POTASH    AND    PERLMUTTER 
SETTLE   THINGS 

V 


BOOKS  BY 
MONTAGUE  GLASS 

POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 
WORRYING  WON'T  WIN 


HARPER  &  BROTHERS  NEW  YORK 

[ESTABLISHED  1817] 


POTASH 

AND  PERLMUTTER 
SETTLE  THINGS 


by 
MONTAGUE  GLASS 

Author  of 
"  Worrying  Won't  Win" 


Harper  &.  Brothers  Publishers 
New  York   and   London 


POTASH  AND  PKRunrrres  Smut  THINGS 

Copyright.  ,9I0.    by   Harper  &  Brother, 

Printed  in  the  United  States  of  America 

Published  September,  1919 


I-T 


CONTENTS 


CHAP.  PACE 

I.  THEY  ARRIVE,  AND  So  DOES  THE  PRESIDENT      .     .  1 

II.  SETTLING  THE  PRELIMINARIES 15 

III.  THE  PRESIDENT'S  VISIT  TO  ENGLAND 24 

IV.  EVERYTHING  Is  PROCEEDING  SATISFACTORILY — MAY 

BE  33 

V.  THIS   HERE   PEACE   CONFERENCE — IT   NEEDS   PUB 

LICITY  42 

VI.  JOINING  THE  LEGION  OF  HONOR 5? 

VII.  SOME  CRUEL  AND  UNUSUAL  PUNISHMENTS  FOR  THE 

KAISER 62 

VIII.  IT  ENTERS  ON  ITS  NO-GOLD-CASKET  PHASE    ...  72 

IX.  WORRYING  SHOULD  BEGIN  AT  HOME,  AIN'T  IT?  .     .  82 

X.  THE  NEW  HUNGARIAN  RHAPSODY 92 

XI.  IT  Is  STILL  UP  IN  THE  AIR,  BUT  You  CAN'T  SAY  THE 

SAME  FOR  TRANSATLANTIC  VOYAGES       ....  102 

XII.  THIS  HERE  VICTORY  LIBERTY  LOAN 112 

XIII.  WHEN  Is  A  SECRET  TREATY  SECRET?        ....  122 

XIV.  THE  FIRST  DAY  OF  MAY      ........  13$ 

XV.  THE  PEACE  TREATY  AS  GOOD  READING     ....  142 

XVI.  THE  GERMAN  ROMAN  HOLIDAY  AND  THE  AMERICANI 

ZATION  OF  AMERICANS 152 

XVII.  MR.  WILSON'S  FAVOR  OF  THE  20TH  ULTO.  AND  CON 

TENTS  NOTED 162 

XVIII.  BEING  UP  IN  THE  AIR,  AS  APPLIED  TO  TRANSATLANTIC 

FLIGHTS,  CROWN  JEWELS,  AND  LEAGUE  OF  NATIONS 

SPEECHES 172 

XIX.  THE  LEAK  AND  OTHER  MYSTERIES  182 


CONTENTS 

CHAP.  PACE 

XX.  JULY  THE  FIRST  AND  AFTER 194 

XXI.  WHAT    THE    PUBLIC    WANTS,    ECONOMICALLY    AND 

THEATRICALLY 202 

XXII.  THEY  Discuss  THE  SIGNING  OF  IT 212 

XXIII.  THE  RECENT  UNPLEASANTNESS  IN  TOLEDO,  OHIO     .  222 

XXIV.  FEEDING  THE  PEACE  CONFERENCERS  AND  THE  HOUSE 

HOLD    232 

XXV.  WHAT  ARE  You  GOING  TO  Do  ABOUT  IT?    THIS  IN 

CLUDES   LIBELED   MILLIONAIRES,   ENFORCED   PRO 
HIBITION,  AND  SHANTUNG 241 

XXVI.  THE  APPROACHING  ROYAL  VISIT  251 


ILLUSTRATIONS 

"He  GIVES  HIMSELF  DEAD  AWAY  BY  GETTING 

SORE*' Frontispiece 

"I  WOULDN'T  BLAME  CHAIRMAN  CLBMENCEAU 
NEITHER,  BECAUSE  IF  THIS  HERE  PEACE 
CONFERENCE  Is  GOING  TO  END  THIS  SIDE 

OF     NlNETEEN-FIFTY,      IT'S      GOT      TO      BE 

SPEEDED  UP  SOME" Facing  p.    44 

"A  WHOLE  LOT  OF  PEOPLE  Is  So  BADLY  PRE 
DICTED  TO  THE  LAPEL-BUTTON  HABIT  THEY 

WOULD  JOIN  ANYTHING" "         52 

"...  WHICH  WHEN  You  CONSIDER  THAT  MR. 

WILSON  STARTED  IN — IN  A  SMALL  WAY"   .       "       144 


POTASH   AND   PERLMUTTER 
SETTLE  THINGS 


THEY  ARRIVE,  AND  SO  DOES  THE  PRESIDENT 

"  \TU,  what's  the  matter  now?"  Morris  Perl- 
•*•  »  mutter  asked,  as  he  entered  the  office  one 
morning  after  the  cessation  of  hostilities  on  the 
western  front. 

"Ai,  tzuris!"  Abe  moaned  in  reply,  and  for  at 
least  a  minute  he  continued  to  rock  to  and  fro 
in  his  chair  and  to  make  incoherent  noises  through 
his  nostrils  in  the  manner  of  a  person  suffering 
either  from  toothache  or  the  recent  cancelation 
of  a  large  order. 

"It  serves  you  right,"  Morris  said,  "f  told 
you  you  shouldn't  eat  that  liberty  roast  at  Wasser- 
bauer's  yesterday.  It  used  to  give  you  the  in 
digestion  when  it  was  known  as  Koenigsburger 
Klops,  which  it  is  like  the  German  Empire  now 
calling  itself  the  German  Republic;  changing  its 
name  ain't  going  to  alter  its  poisonous  disposition 
none." 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

"That's  right!"  Abe  said.  "Make  jokes,  why 
don't  you?  You  are  worser  as  this  here  feller 
Zero." 

"What  feller  Zero?"  Morris  demanded. 

"Zero  the  emperor  what  fiddled  when  Rome 
was  burning,"  Abe  replied.  "He's  got  nothing 
on  you.  You  would  fiddle  if  Rome,  Watertown, 
and  Ogdensburg  was  burning." 

"I  don't  know  what  you  are  talking  about  at 
all,"  Morris  said.  "And,  besides,  the  feller's 
name  was  Nero,  not  Zero." 

"That's  what  you  say,"  Abe  commented, 
"which  you  also  said  that  the  operators  was  only 
bluffing  and  that  they  wouldn't  strike  on  us  in  a 
thousand  years,  and  considering  that  you  said 
this  only  yesterday,  Mawruss,  it's  already  won 
derful  how  time  flies." 

"Well,"  Morris  said,  "how  could  I  figure  that 
them  lunatics  is  going  to  pick  out  the  time  when 
we've  got  practically  no  work  for  them  and  was 
going  to  fire  them,  anyway,  to  call  a  strike  on 
us?" 

"You  should  ought  to  have  figured  that  way," 
Abe  declared.  "Didn't  the  Kaiser  abdicate  just 
before  them  Germans  got  ready  to  kick  him  out?" 

"The  king  business  ain't  the  garment  business," 
Morris  observed. 

"I  know  it  ain't,"  Abe  agreed.  "Kings  has  got 
their  worries,  too,  but  when  it  comes  to  laying 
awake  nights  trying  to  figure  out  whether  them 
designers  somewheres  in  France  is  going  to  turn 
out  long,  full  skirts  or  short,  narrow  skirts  for  the 


THEY  ARRIVE,  AND  SO  DOES  THE  PRESIDENT 

fall  and  winter  of  nineteen-nineteen  and  nineteen- 
twenty,  Mawruss,  I  bet  yer  the  entire  collection 
of  kings,  active  or  retired,  doesn't  got  to  take  two 
grains  of  trional  between  them." 

"If  everybody  worried  like  you  do,  Abe," 
Morris  said,  "the  government  would  got  to  issue 
sleeping-powder  cards  like  sugar  cards  and  limit 
the  consumption  of  sleeping-powders  to  not  more 
than  two  pounds  of  sleeping-powders  per  person 
per  month  in  each  household." 

"Well,  some  one  has  got  to  do  the  worrying 
around  here,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said,  "which  if  it 
rested  with  you,  y'understand,  we  could  make 
up  a  line  of  samples  for  next  season  that  wouldn't 
be  no  more  like  Paris  designs  than  General  Per- 
shing  looks  like  his  pictures  in  the  magazines." 

"Say,  for  that  matter,"  Morris  said,  "we  are 
just  as  good  guessers  as  our  competitors;  on  ac 
count  the  way  things  is  going  nowadays,  nobody 
is  going  to  try  to  make  a  trip  to  Paris  to  get 
fashion  designs,  because  if  he  figured  on  crossing 
the  ocean  to  buy  model  gowns  for  the  fall  and 
winter  of  nineteen-nineteen  and  nineteen-twenty, 
y'understand,  between  the  time  that  he  applied 
for  his  passport  and  the  time  the  government 
issued  it  to  him,  y'understand,  it  would  already 
be  the  spring  and  summer  season  of  nineteen- 
twenty -four  and  nineteen-twenty -five.  So  the  best 
thing  we  could  do  is  to  snoop  round  among  the 
trade,  and  whatever  we  find  the  majority  is  mak 
ing  up  for  next  year,  we  would  make  up  the  same 
styles  also,  and  that's  all  there  would  be  to  it." 

3 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

"We  wouldn't  do  nothing  of  the  kind,"  Abe 
declared.  "  I've  been  thinking  this  thing  over,  and 
I  come  to  the  conclusion  that  it's  up  to  you  to  go 
ovef  to  Paris  and  see  what  is  going  on  over  there." 

"I  don't  got  to  go  to  Paris  for  that,  Abe," 
Morris  said.  "I  can  read  the  papers  the  same 
like  anybody  else,  and  just  so  long  as  there  is  a 
chance  that  the  war  would  start  up  again  and  them 
hundred-mile  guns  is  going  to  resume  operations, 
I  am  content  to  get  my  ideas  of  Paris  styles  at  a 
distance  of  three  thousand  miles  if  I  never  sold 
another  garment  as  long  as  I  live." 

"But  when  it  was  working  yet,  it  only  went  off 
every  twenty  minutes,"  Abe  said. 

"I  don't  care  if  it  went  off  every  Fourth  of 
July,"  Morris  said,  "because  if  I  went  over  there 
it  would  be  just  my  luck  that  the  peace  negotia 
tions  falls  through  and  the  Germans  invent  a 
gun  leaving  Frankfort  ever  hour  on  the  hour  and 
arriving  in  Paris  daily,  including  Sundays,  with 
out  leaving  enough  trace  of  me  to  file  a  proof  of 
death  with.  Am  I  right  or  wrong?" 

"All  right,"  Abe  said.  "If  that's  the  way  you 
feel  about  it,  I  will  go  to  Paris." 

"  You  will  go  to  Paris?"  Morris  exclaimed. 

"Sure!"  Abe  declared.  "The  operators  is  on 
strike,  business  is  rotten,  and  I'm  sick  and  tired  of 
paying  life-insurance  premiums,  anyway.  Be 
sides,  if  Leon  Sarnmet  could  get  a  passport,  why 
couldn't  I?" 

"You  mean  to  say  that  faker  is  going  to  Paris 

to  buy  model  gowns?"  Morris  demanded. 

4 


THEY  ARRIVE,  AND  SO  DOES  THE  PRESIDENT 

"I  seen  him  on  the  Subway  this  morning,  and 
the  way  he  talked  about  how  easy  he  got  his 
passport,  you  would  think  that  every  time  he  was 
in  Washington  with  a  line  of  them  masquerade 
costumes  which  Sammet  Brothers  makes  up,  if 
he  didn't  stop  in  and  take  anyhow  a  bit  of  lunch 
with  the  Wilsons,  y'understand,  the  President 
raises  the  devil  with  Tumulty  why  didn't  he  let 
him  know  Leon  Sammet  was  in  town." 

"Then  that  settles  it,"  Morris  declared,  reach 
ing  for  his  hat. 

"Where  are  you  going?"  Abe  asked. 

"I  am  going  straight  down  to  see  Henry  D. 
Feldman  and  tell  that  crook  he  should  get  for 
me  a  passport,"  Morris  said. 

"You  wouldn't  positively  do  nothing  of  the 
kind,"  Abe  said.  "Did  you  ever  hear  the  like? 
Wants  to  go  to  a  lawyer  to  get  a  passport!  An 
idea!" 

"  Well,  who  would  I  go  to,  then — an  osteaopath?" 
Morris  asked. 

"Leon  Sammet  told  me  all  about  it,"  Abe  said. 
"You  go  down  to  a  place  on  Rector  Street  where 
you  sign  an  application,  and— 

"That's  just  what  I  thought,"  Morris  inter 
rupted,  "and  the  least  what  happens  to  fellers 
which  signs  applications  without  a  lawyer,  y'un 
derstand,  is  that  six  months  later  a  truck-driver 
arrives  one  morning  and  says  where  should  he 
leave  the  set  of  Washington  Irving  in  one  hundred 
and  fifty-six  volumes  or  the  piano  with  stool  and 

scarf  complete,  as  the  case  may  be.     So  I  am 

5 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

going  to  see  Feldman,  and  if  it  costs  me  fifteen  or 
twenty  dollars,  it's  anyhow  a  satisfaction  to  know 
that  when  you  do  things  with  the  advice  of  a  smart 
crooked  lawyer,  nobody  could  put  nothing  over  on 
you  outside  of  your  lawyer." 

When  Morris  returned  an  hour  later,  however, 
instead  of  an  appearance  of  satisfaction,  his  face 
bore  so  melancholy  an  expression  that  for  a  few 
minutes  Abe  was  afraid  to  question  him. 

"JVw/"  he  said  at  last.  "I  suppose  you  got 
turned  down  for  being  overweight  or  something?" 

"What  do  you  mean — overweight?"  Morris 
demanded.  "What  do  you  suppose  I  am  apply 
ing  for — a  twenty-year  endowment  passport  or 
one  of  them  tontine  passports  with  cash  surrender 
value  after  three  years?" 

"Then  what  is  the  matter  you  look  so  rach- 
monos?"  Abe  said. 

"How  should  I  look  with  the  kind  of  partner 
which  I've  got  it?"  Morris  asked.  "Paris  models 
he  must  got  to  got.  Domestic  designs  ain't  good 
enough  for  him.  Such  high-grade  idees  he's  got, 
and  I've  got  to  suffer  for  it  yet." 

"Well,  don't  go  to  Europe.  What  do  7  care?" 
Abe  said. 

"  We  must  go,"  Morris  replied. 

"What  do  you  mean — we?"  Abe  demanded. 

" I  mean  you  and  me,"  Morris  said.  "Feldman 
says  that  just  so  long  as  it  is  one  operation  he 
would  charge  the  same  for  getting  one  passport 
as  for  getting  two,  excepting  the  government  fee 

of  two  dollars.     So  what  do  you  think — I  am 

6 


THEY  ARRIVE,  AND  SO  DOES  THE  PRESIDENT 

going  to  pay  Henry  D.  Feldman  two  hundred 
dollars  for  getting  me  a  passport  when  for  two 
dollars  extra  I  can  get  one  for  you  also?" 

"But  who  is  going  to  look  after  the  store?" 
Abe  exclaimed. 

"Say!"  Morris  retorted,  "you've  got  relations 
enough  working  around  here,  which  every  time 
you've  hired  a  fresh  one,  you've  given  me  this 
blood-is-redder-than-water  stuff,  and  now  is  your 
chance  to  prove  it.  We  wouldn't  be  away  longer 
as  six  weeks  at  the  outside,  so  go  ahead,  Abe. 
Here  is  the  application  for  the  passport.  Sign 
your  name  on  the  dotted  line  and  don't  say  no 
more  about  it." 

"Yes,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said,  three  weeks  later, 
as  they  sat  in  the  restaurant  of  their  Paris  hotel, 
"  in  a  country  where  the  coffee  pretty  near  strangles 
you,  even  when  it's  got  cream  and  sugar  in  it, 
y'understand,  the  cooking  has  got  to  be  good, 
because  in  a  two-dollar-a-day  American  plan  ho 
tel  the  management  figures  that  no  matter  how 
rotten  the  food  is,  the  guests  will  say,  *  Well,  any 
how,  the  coffee  was  good,'  and  get  by  with  it  that 
way." 

"On  the  other  hand,  Abe,"  Morris  suggested, 
"maybe  the  French  hotel  people  figure  that  if 
they  only  make  the  coffee  bad  enough,  the  guests 
would  say,  'Well,  one  good  thing,  while  the  food 
is  terrible,  it  ain't  a  marker  on  the  coffee.' ' 

"But  the  food  tastes  pretty  good  to  me, 
Mawruss,"  Abe  said. 

7 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

"Wait  till  you've  been  here  a  week,  Abe," 
Morris  advised  him.  "Anything  would  taste 
good  to  you  after  what  you  went  through  on 
that  boat." 

"What  do  you  mean — after  what  /  went 
through?"  Abe  demanded.  "What  I  went  through 
don't  begin  to  compare  with  what  you  went 
through,  which  honestly,  Mawruss,  there  was 
tunes  there  on  that  second  day  out  where  you 
acted  so  terrible,  understand  me,  that  rather  as 
witness  such  human  suffering  again,  if  any  one 
would  of  really  and  truly  had  your  interests  at 
heart,  they  would  of  give  a  couple  of  dollars  to  a 
steward  that  he  should  throw  you  overboard  and 
make  an  end  of  your  misery." 

"Is  that  so!"  Morris  retorted.  "Well,  let  me 
tell  you  something,  Abe.  If  you  think  I  was  in  a 
bad  way,  don't  kid  yourself,  when  you  lay  there 
in  your  berth  for  three  days  without  strength 
enough  to  take  off  even  your  collar  and  necktie, 
y' understand,  that  the  captain  said  to  the  first  offi 
cer  ain't  it  wonderful  what  an  elegant  sailor  that 
Mr.  Potash  is  or  anything  like  it,  understand  me, 
which  on  more  than  one  occasion  when  I  seen 
the  way  you  looked,  Abe,  I  couldn't  help  thinking 
of  what  chances  concerns  like  the  Equitable 
takes  when  they  pass  a  feller  as  A  number  one 
on  his  heart  and  kidneys,  and  ain't  tried  him  out 
on  so  much  as  a  Staten  Island  ferry-boat  to  see 
what  kind  of  a  traveler  he  is." 

"Listen,  Mawrttss,"  Abe  interrupted,  "did  we 
come  over  here  paying  first-class  fares  for  prac- 

8 


THEY  ARRIVE,  AND  SO  DOES  THE  PRESIDENT 

tically  steerage  accommodations  to  discuss  life 
insurance,  or  did  we  come  over  here  to  buy  model 
garments  and  get  through  with  it,  because  believe 
me,  it  is  no  pleasure  for  me  to  stick  around  a 
country  where  you  couldn't  get  no  sugar  or  but 
ter  in  a  hotel,  not  if  you  was  to  show  the  head 
waiter  a  doctor's  certificate  with  a  hundred- 
dollar  bill  pinned  on  it.  So  let  us  go  round  to  a 
few  of  these  high-grade  dressmakers  and  see  how 
much  we  are  going  to  get  stuck  for,  and  have  it 
over  with." 

Accordingly,  they  paid  for  the  coffee  and  milk 
without  sugar  and  the  dark  sour  rolls  without 
butter  which  nowadays  form  the  usual  hotel 
breakfast  in  France,  and  set  out  for  the  office  of 
the  commission  agent  whose  place  of  business  is 
the  rendezvous  for  American  garment-manufact 
urers  in  search  of  Parisian  model  gowns.  The 
broad  avenues  in  the  vicinity  of  the  hotel  seemed 
unusually  crowded  even  to  people  as  accustomed 
to  the  congested  traffic  of  lower  Fifth  Avenue 
as  Abe  and  Morris  were,  but  as  they  proceeded 
toward  the  wholesale  district  of  Paris  the  streets 
became  less  and  less  traveled,  until  at  length  they 
walked  along  practically  deserted  thoroughfares. 

"And  we  thought  business  was  rotten  in 
America,"  Morris  said.  "Why,  there  ain't  hard 
ly  one  store  open,  hardly." 

Abe  nodded  gloomily. 

"It  looks  to  me,  Mawruss,  that  if  there  is  any 
new  garments  being  designed  over  here,"  he  said, 

"they  would  be  quiet  morning  gowns  appropriate 

9 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

for  attending  something  informal  like  a  sale  by  a 
receiver  in  supplementary  proceedings,  or  a  more  or 
less  elaborate  afternoon  costume,  not  too  showy, 
y'understand,  but  the  kind  of  model  that  a  fashion 
able  Paris  dressmaker  could  wear  to  a  referee  in 
bankruptcy's  office  so  as  not  to  make  the  attending 
creditors  say  she  was  her  own  best  customer, 
understand  me/' 

"Well,  what  could  you  expect?"  Morris  said, 
as  they  toiled  up  the  stairs  to  the  commission 
agent's  office.  "The  chances  is  that  up  to  a 
couple  of  months  ago,  in  a  Paris  dressmaker's 
shop,  a  customer  arrived  only  every  other  week, 
whereas  a  nine-inch  bomb  arrived  every  twenty 
minutes,  and  furthermore,  Abe,  it  was  you  that 
suggested  this  trip,  not  me,  so  now  that  we  are 
over  here,  we  should  ought  to  make  the  best  of  it, 
and  if  this  here  commission  agent  can't  show  us 
no  new  designs,  he  could,  anyhow,  show  us  the 
sights." 

But  even  this  consolation  was  denied  them, 
for  when  they  reached  the  commission  agent's 
door  it  was  locked  and  barred,  as  were  all  the 
other  offices  on  that  floor,  and  bore  a  placard 
reading: 

FERME 

A  CAUSE  DU  JOUR  DE  FETE 

"Nu!"  Morris  said,  after  he  had  read  and  re 
read  the  notice  a  number  of  times,  **  what  are  we 
going  to  do  now?" 

10 


THEY  ARRIVE,  AND  SO  DOES  THE  PRESIDENT 

"This  is  the  last  hair,"  Abe  said,  "because  you 
know  how  it  is  with  these  Frenchers,  if  they  close 
for  a  death  in  the  family,  it  is  liable  to  be  a  matter 
of  weeks  already." 

"Maybe  it  says  gone  to  lunch,  will  be  back  in 
half  an  hour,"  Morris  suggested,  hopefully. 

"Not  a  chance,"  Abe  declared.  "More  likely 
it  means  this  elegant  office  with  every  modern 
improvement  except  an  elevator,  steam  heat, 
and  electric  light,  to  be  sublet,  because  it  would 
be  just  our  luck  that  the  commission  agent  is 
back  in  New  York  right  now  with  a  line  of  brand- 
new  model  gowns,  asking  our  bookkeeper  will 
either  of  the  bosses  be  back  soon." 

"We  wouldn't  get  back  in  ten  years,  I'll  tell 
you  that,  unless  we  hustle,"  Morris  declared. 
He  led  the  way  down-stairs  to  the  ground  floor, 
where,  after  a  few  minutes,  they  managed  to 
attract  the  attention  of  the  concierge,  who  emerged 
from  her  shelter  at  the  foot  of  the  stairs  and  in 
rapid  French  explained  to  Abe  and  Morris  that 
all  Paris  was  celebrating  with  a  public  holiday  the 
arrival  of  President  Wilson. 

"It's  a  funny  thing  about  the  French  language," 
Morris  said,  as  she  concluded.  "Even  if  you  don't 
understand  what  the  people  mean,  you  could 
'most  always  tell  what  they've  been  eating,  which 
if  the  French  people  was  limited  by  law  to  a  ton 
of  garlic  a  month  per  person,  Abe,  this  lady  would 
go  to  jail  for  the  rest  of  her  life." 

"Attendez!"  said  the  concierge.     "Au  dessus  il 

yd  un  monsieur  qui  parle  anglais." 

11 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

She  motioned  for  them  to  wait  and  ascended 
the  stairs  to  the  floor  above,  where  they  heard 
her  knock  on  an  office  door.  Evidently  the  per 
son  who  opened  it  was  annoyed  by  the  interrup 
tion,  for  his  voice — and  to  Abe  and  Morris  it  was 
a  strangely  familiar  voice — was  raised  in  angry 
protest. 

"Now  listen,"  said  the  tenant,  "I  told  you 
before  that  I've  only  got  this  place  temporarily, 
and  as  long  as  I  am  in  here  I  don't  want  you  to 
do  no  cleaning  nor  nothing,  because  the  air  is 
none  too  good  here  as  it  is,  and  furthermore — 

He  proceeded  no  farther,  however,  for  Abe  and 
Morris  had  taken  the  stairs  three  at  a  jump  and 
began  to  wring  his  hands  effusively  upon  the 
principle  of  any  port  in  a  storm. 

"Well,  well,  well,  if  it  ain't  Leon  Sammet!" 
Abe  cried,  and  his  manner  was  as  cordial  as 
though,  instead  of  their  nearest  competitor, 
Leon  were  Potash  &  Perlmutter's  best  customer. 

"The  English  language  bounces  off  of  that 
woman  like  water  from  a  duck's  neck,"  Leon 
said,  "which  every  five  minutes  she  comes  up  here 
and  talks  to  me  in  French  high  speed  with  the 
throttle  wide  open  like  a  racing-car  already." 

"And  the  exhaust  must  be  something  terrible," 
Abe  said. 

"I  am  nearly  frozen  from  opening  the  windows 
to  let  out  her  conversation,"  Leon  said,  "and 
especially  this  morning,  when  I  thought  I  could 
get  a  lot  of  letter-writing  done  without  being  in 
terrupted,  on  account  of  the  holiday." 

12 


THEY  ARRIVE,  AND  SO  DOES  THE  PRESIDENT 

"So  that's  the  reason  why  everything  is  closed 
up!"  Morris  exclaimed. 

"But  Christmas  ain't  for  pretty  near  two 
weeks  yet,"  Abe  said. 

"What  has  Christmas  got  to  do  with  it?"  Leon 
retorted.  "To-day  is  a  holiday  because  President 
Wilson  arrives  in  Paris." 

"And  you  are  working  here?"  Abe  cried. 

"Why  not?"  Leon  asked. 

"You  mean  to  say  that  President  Wilson  is 
arriving  in  Paris  to-day  and  you  ain't  going  to 
see  him  come  in?"  Morris  exclaimed.  "What 
for  an  American  are  you,  anyway?" 

"Say,  for  that  matter,  President  Wilson  has 
been  arriving  in  New  York  hundreds  of  times 
in  the  past  four  years,"  Leon  said,  "and  I  'ain't 
heard  that  you  boys  was  on  the  reception  com 
mittee  exactly." 

"That's  something  else  again,"  Abe  said.  "In 
New  York  we've  got  business  enough  to  do  with 
out  fooling  away  our  time  rubbering  at  parades, 
but  President  Wilson  only  comes  to  Paris  once  in 
a  lifetime." 

"And  some  of  the  people  back  home  is  kicking 
because  he  comes  to  Paris  even  that  often,"  Leon 
commented. 

"Let  'em  kick/'  Morris  declared,  "which  the 
way  some  Americans  runs  down  President  Wilson 
only  goes  to  show  that  it's  an  old  saying  and  a 
true  one  that  there  is  no  profit  for  a  man  in  his 
own  country,  so  go  ahead  and  write  your  letters 
if  you  want  to,  Leon,  but  Abe  and  me  is  going 

13 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

down-town  to  the  Champs  Elizas  and  give  the 
President  a  couple  of  cheers  like  patriotic  American 
sitsons  should  ought  to  do." 

"In  especially,"  Abe  added,  "as  it  is  a  legal 
holiday  and  we  wouldn't  look  at  no  model  gar 
ments  to-day." 


n 

SETTLING   THE   PRELIMINARIES 

"  AFTER  all,  Mawruss,"  Abe  Potash  said,  as 
•**•  he  sat  with  his  partner,  Morris  Perlmutter, 
in  their  hotel  room  on  the  night  after  the  Presi 
dent's  arrival  in  Paris,  "  a  President  is  only  human, 
and  it  seems  to  me  that  if  they  would  of  given  him 
a  chance  to  go  quietly  to  a  hotel  and  wash  up 
after  the  trip,  y'understand,  it  would  be  a  whole 
lot  better  as  meeting  him  at  the  railroad  depot 
and  starting  right  in  with  the  speeches." 

"What  do  you  mean — give  him  a  chance  to 
wash  up?"  Morris  asked.  "Don't  you  suppose 
he  had  a  chance  to  wash  up  on  the  train,  or  do 
you  think  him  and  Mrs.  Wilson  sat  up  all  night 
in  a  day -coach?" 

"I  don't  care  if  they  had  a  whole  section,"  Abe 
retorted;  "it  ain't  the  easiest  thing  in  the  world 
to  step  off  a  train  in  a  stovepipe  hat,  with  a  clean 
shave,  after  a  twenty-hour  trip,  even  if  it  would 
of  been  one  of  them  eighteen-hour  limiteds  even, 
and  begin  right  away  to  get  off  a  lot  of  schmooes 
about  he  don't  know  how  to  express  the  surprise 
and  gratification  he  feels  at  such  an  enthusiastic 
reception,  in  especially  as  he  probably  lay  awake 
half  the  night  trying  to  memorize  the  bigger  part 

15 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

of  the  speech  following  the  words,  'and  now, 
gentlemen,  I  wouldn't  delay  you  no  longer.' 
So  that's  why  I  say  if  they  would  have  let  him  go 
to  his  hotel  first,  y'understand,  why,  then  he — 

"But  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Wilson  ain't  putting  up 
at  no  hotel.  They  are  staying  with  a  family 
by  the  name  of  Murat,"  Morris  explained. 

"Relations  to  the  Wilsons  maybe?"  Abe 
inquired. 

"Not  that  I  heard  tell  of,"  Morris  replied. 

"Well,  whoever  they  are  they've  got  my 
sympathy,"  Abe  said;  "because  once,  when  the 
Independent  Order  Mattai  Aaron  held  its  annual 
Grand  Lodge  meeting  in  New  York,  me  and  Rosie 
put  up  the  Grand  Master,  by  the  name  Louis  M. 
Koppelman,  used  to  was  Koppelman  &  Fine,  the 
Fashion  Store,  Pottstown,  Pennsylvania,  and  the 
way  that  feller  turned  the  house  upside  down, 
if  he  would  have  stayed  another  week  with  us, 
understand  me,  I  would  have  hired  a  first-class  A 
number  one  criminal  lawyer  to  defend  me  and 
wired  the  relations  for  instructions  as  to  how  to 
ship  the  body  home." 

"I  bet  yer  the  Murats  feel  honored  to  got  Mr. 
and  Mrs.  Wilson  staying  with  them,"  Morris  said. 

"For  the  first  few  days  maybe,"  Abe  admitted, 
"but  wait  till  a  couple  weeks  go  by!  I  give  them 
until  January  1, 1919,  and  after  that  Mr.  and  Mrs. 
Murat  would  be  signaling  each  other  to  come 
up-stairs  into  the  maid's  room  and  be  holding  a 
few  ain't-them-people-got-no-home  conversations. 
Also,  Mawruss,  for  the  rest  of  their  married  life, 

16 


SETTLING  THE  PRELIMINARIES 

Mawruss,  every  time  the  tropic  of  who  invited 
them  in  the  FIRST  place  comes  up  at  meal-times, 
y'understand,  either  Mr.  or  Mrs.  Murat  is  going 
to  get  up  from  the  table  and  lock  themselves  up 
in  the  bedroom  for  the  remainder  of  the  evening. 
Am  I  right  or  wrong?" 

"I  wouldn't  argue  with  you,"  Morris  said, 
"because  if  I  would  give  you  the  slightest  encour 
agement  you  are  liable  to  go  to  work  and  figure 
where  Mrs.  Murat  is  kicking  to  Mr.  Murat  that 
she  couldn't  make  out  with  the  housekeeping 
money  while  the  Wilsons  is  in  Paris,  on  account 
of  having  to  buy  an  extra  bottle  of  Grade  B  milk 
every  day,  or  something  like  that,  which  you 
talk  like  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Wilson  was  in  Paris  on  a 
couple  of  weeks'  vacation,  whereas  the  President 
has  come  here  to  settle  the  peace  of  the  world." 

"Did  I  say  he  didn't?"  Abe  protested. 

"And  while  you  are  sitting  here  talking  a  lot 
of  nonsense,"  Morris  went  on,  "big  things  is 
happening,  which  with  all  the  questions  he  has 
got  to  think  about,  I  bet  yer  the  President  oser 
worries  his  head  about  a  little  affair  like  board 
and  lodging.  Also  I  read  in  one  of  them  Paris 
editions  of  an  American  paper  that  there  come 
over  to  France  on  the  same  steamer  with  him 
over  three  hundred  experts — college  professors 
and  the  like — and  them  fellers  is  now  staying  in 
Paris  at  various  hotels,  which,  if  that  don't  justify 
Mr.  Wilson  in  putting  up  with  a  private  family, 
y'understand,  I  don't  know  what  does!" 

"I  thought  at  the  time  I  read  about  them 
3  17 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

experts  coming  over  to  help  the  President  in  the 
Peace  Conference  that  he  was  letting  himself 
in  for  something,"  Abe  observed. 

"I  bet  yer!"  Morris  said.  "And  that's  where 
Colonel  House  was  wise  when  he  comes  over  on  a 
steamer  ahead  of  them,  because  it  is  bad  enough 
when  you  are  crossing  the  ocean  in  winter-time 
to  be  President  of  the  United  States  and  to  have 
to  try  not  to  act  otherwise,  without  having  three 
hundred  experts  dogging  your  footsteps  and 
thinking  up  ways  to  start  a  conversation  and 
swing  it  towards  the  subject  they  are  experts  in. 
Which  I  bet  yer  every  time  the  President  tried 
to  get  a  little  exercise  by  walking  around  the 
promenade  deck  after  lunch  there  was  an  expert 
on  Jugo-Slobs  laying  for  him  who  was  all  worked 
up  to  tell  everything  he  knew  about  Jugo-Slobs 
in  a  couple  of  laps,  provided  the  President  lasted 
that  long." 

"Well,  I'll  tell  you,"  Abe  said,  "a  man  which 
employs  experts  to  ask  advice  from  deserves 
all  he  gets,  Mawruss,  because  you  know  how  it  is 
when  you  ask  an  advice  from  somebody  which 
don't  know  a  thing  in  the  world  about  what  he 
is  advising  you.  He'll  talk  you  deaf,  dumb,  and 
blind,  anyhow.  So  you  can  imagine  what  it  must 
be  like  when  you  are  getting  advice  from  an 
expert!" 

"It  seems  to  me  that  before  the  President  gets 
through  he  will  be  looking  around  for  an  expert 
which  is  expert  in  choking  off  advice  from  experts, 
otherwise  the  first  time  the  President  consults 

18 


SETTLING  THE  PRELIMINARIES 

one  of  them  experts,  if  he's  going  to  wait  for  the 
expert  to  get  through,  he  will  have  to  be  elected 
to  a  third  term  and  then  maybe  hold  over,  at 
that,"  Morris  commented. 

"I  should  think  the  President  would  be  glad 
when  this  Peace  Conference  is  over,"  Abe  said. 

"Say!  For  that  matter  he'll  be  glad  when  it's 
started,"  Morris  said.  "Which  the  way  it  looks 
now,  Abe,  the  preliminaries  of  a  peace  conference 
is  harder  on  a  President  in  the  way  of  speeches 
and  parades  than  two  Liberty  Loan  campaigns 
and  an  inauguration.  Take,  for  instance,  the 
matter  of  dinners,  and  I  bet  yer  before  he  even 
goes  to  London  next  week  he  would  have  six 
meals  with  the  President  of  France  alone — I 
can't  remember  his  name." 

"Call  him  Lefkowitz,"  Abe  said-  "I'll  know 
who  you  mean." 

"Well,  whatever  it  is,  he  looks  like  a  hearty 
eater,  Abe,"  Morris  remarked. 

"In  fact,  Mawruss,  from  what  I  seen  of  them 
French  politicians  in  the  parade  this  morning," 
Abe  observed,  "none  of  them  looked  like  they 
went  slow  on  starchy  foods  and  red  meats,  whereas 
take  the  American  Peace  Commissioners,  from  the 
President  down,  and  while  they  don't  all  of  them 
give  you  the  impression  that  they  eat  breakfast 
food  for  dinner  exactly,  still  at  the  same  time  if 
these  here  peace  preliminaries  is  going  to  include 
more  dinners  than  parades,  the  French  Com 
missioners  has  got  them  under  a  big  handicap." 

"Maybe  you're  right,"  Morris  agreed.     "But 

19 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

my  idee  is  that  with  these  here  preliminary  peace 
dinners  it  ain't  such  a  bad  thing  for  us  if  our 
Peace  Commissioners  wouldn't  be  such  hearty 
eaters,  y'understand,  because  you  know  how  it 
is  when  we've  got  a  hard-boiled  egg  come  into  the 
place  to  look  over  our  line,  it's  a  whole  lot  better 
to  get  an  idee  of  about  how  much  he  expects  to 
buy  after  lunch  than  before,  in  especially  if  we 
pay  for  the  lunch.  So  if  this  here  President 
Lefkowitz,  or  whatever  the  feller's  name  is,  ex 
pects  to  fill  up  the  President  with  a  big  meal 
of  them  French  d  la  dishes  until  Mr.  Wilson 
gets  so  good-natured  that  he  is  willing  to  tell 
not  only  his  life  history,  but  also  just  exactly 
what  he  means  by  a  League  of  Nations,  y'under 
stand,  the  dinner  might  just  as  well  start  and 
end  with  two  poached  eggs  on  toast,  for  all  the 
good  it  will  do." 

"Still,  it  ain't  a  bad  idee  to  have  all  these  din 
ners  over  and  done  with  before  the  business  of 
the  Peace  Conference  begins,  Mawruss,"  Abe  re 
marked,  "because  hafterwards,  when  Mr.  Wilson's 
attitude  on  some  of  them  fourteen  propositions 
for  peace  becomes  known,  y'understand,  it  ain't 
going  to  be  too  pleasant  for  Mrs.  Wilson  to  be 
sitting  by  the  side  of  her  husband  and  watch 
the  looks  of  some  of  the  guests  sitting  opposite 
during  the  fish  course,  for  instance,  not  wishing 
him  no  harm,  but  waiting  for  a  good-sized  bone 
to  lodge  sideways  in  his  throat,  or  something." 

"She  is  used  to  that  from  home  already,  when 
ever  she  has  a  few  Republican  Senators  to  dinner 

20 


SETTLING  THE  PRELIMINARIES 

at  the  White  House,"  Morris  said.  "But  that 
ain't  here  nor  there,  anyhow,  because  after  the 
Peace  Conference  begins  the  President  will  be  so 
busy,  y'understand,  that  sending  out  one  of  the 
Assistant  Secretaries  of  State  to  a  Busy  Bee  lunch 
room  to  bring  him  a  couple  of  sandwiches  and 
some  coffee  will  be  the  nearest  to  a  formal  dinner 
that  the  President  will  come  to  for  many  a  day. 
Take,  for  instance,  the  proposition  of  the  Freedom 
of  the  Seas,  and  there's  a  whole  lot  to  be  said 
on  both  sides  by  people  like  yourself  which  don't 
know  one  side  from  the  other." 

"And  I  don't  want  to  know,  neither,"  Abe  said, 
"because  it  wouldn't  make  no  difference  to  me 
how  free  the  seas  was  made,  once  I  get  back  on 
terra  cotta,  Mawruss;  they  could  not  only  make 
the  seas  free,  y'understand,  but  they  could  also 
offer  big  bonuses  in  addition,  and  I  wouldn't  leave 
America  again  not  if  they  was  to  give  me  a  life 
pass  good  on  the  Olympic  or  Aquitania  with  meals 
included." 

"So  your  idea  is  that  the  freedom  of  the  seas 
means  traveling  for  nothing  on  ocean  steamers?" 
Morris  commented. 

"Say!"  Abe  retorted,  "why  should  I  bother 
my  head  what  such  things  mean  when  I  got  for  a 
partner  a  feller  which  really  by  rights  belongs 
down  at  the  Peace  headquarters,  along  with  them 
other  big  experts?" 

"I  never  claimed  to  be  an  expert,  but  at  the 
same  time,  I  ain't  an  ignerammus,  neither,  which 

even  before  I  left  New  York,  I  knew  all  about 

21 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

this  here  Freedom  of  the  Seas,"  Morris  said, "  which 
the  day  before  we  sailed  I  was  talking  to  Henry 
Binder,  of  Binder  &  Baum,  and  he  says  to  me — 

"Excuse  me,  but  what  does  Binder  &  Baum 
know  about  the  Freedom  of  the  Seas?"  Abe  de 
manded.  "They  are  in  the  wholesale  pants  busi 
ness,  ain't  it?" 

"Sure,  I  know,"  Morris  continued,  "and 
Paderewski  is  a  piano-player,  and  at  the  same 
time  he  went  over  to  Poland  to  organize  the  new 
Polish  Republic." 

"And  the  result  will  be  that  when  the  new 
Polish  Republic  gets  started  under  the  direction 
of  this  here  piano-player,"  Abe  said,  "and  they 
get  a  new  Polish  National  Anthem,  it  will  be  an 
expert  piano-player's  idea  of  something  which  is 
easy  to  play,  and  the  consequence  is  that  until 
the  next  Polish  revolution,  every  time  a  band 
plays  the  Polish  National  Anthem,  them  poor 
Polacks  would  got  to  stand  up  for  from  forty-five 
minutes  to  an  hour  while  the  band  struggles  to 
get  through  with  what  it  would  have  taken 
Paderewski  three  minutes  at  the  outside." 

"Henry  Binder  is  a  college  graduate  even  if  he 
would  be  in  the  pants  business,"  Morris  said, 
"and  he  said  to  me:  'Perlmutter,'  he  said,  'the 
Freedom  of  the  Seas  is  like  this,'  he  says.  'You 
take  a  country  like  Norway  and  it  stands  in  the 
same  relation  to  the  big  naval  powers  like  we 
would  to  the  other  big  manufacturers.  Now,  for 
instance,'  he  says,  'last  year  we  did  a  business  of 
over  two  million  dollars,  and— 

22 


SETTLING  THE  PRELIMINARIES 

Abe  raised  his  right  hand  like  a  traffic  police 
man. 

"Stop  right  there,  Mawruss,"  he  said,  "because 
if  the  Freedom  of  the  Seas  is  anything  like  Binder 
&  Baum  doing  a  business  of  two  million  dollars 
last  year,  I  don't  believe  a  word  of  it,  which  it 
wouldn't  make  no  difference  if  Henry  Binder 
was  talking  about  the  Freedom  of  the  Seas  or 
astronomy,  sooner  or  later  he  is  bound  to  ring  in 
the  large  amount  of  goods  he  is  selling,  and,  any 
way,  no  matter  what  Henry  Binder  tells  you, 
you  must  got  to  reckon  ninety-eight  per  cent, 
discount  before  you  could  believe  a  word  he  says." 

"And  do  you  suppose  for  one  moment  that  the 
members  of  the  Peace  Conference  is  going  to  act 
any  different  from  Henry  Binder  in  that  respect?" 
Morris  asked.  "Every  one  of  the  representatives 
of  the  countries  engaged  in  this  here  Peace  Con 
ference  is  coming  to  France  with  a  statement 
of  the  very  least  they  would  accept,  and  it  is 
pretty  generally  understood  that  all  such  state 
ments  are  subject  to  a  very  stiff  discount,  which 
that  is  what  these  here  preliminaries  is  for,  Abe 
—to  get  a  line  on  the  discounts  before  the  Peace 
Conference  discusses  the  claims  themselves." 

"Well,  when  it  comes  to  the  Allies  scrapping 
between  themselves  about  League  of  Nations  and 
Freedoms  of  Seas,  I  am  content  that  they  should 
be  allowed  a  liberal  discount  on  what  they  say 
for  what  they  mean,  Mawruss,  but  when  it  comes 
to  Germany,"  he  concluded,  "she's  got  to  pay, 
and  pay  in  full,  net  cash,  and  then  some." 

23 


Ill 

THE  PRESIDENT'S  VISIT  TO  ENGLAND 


alphabet  ain't  what  it  used  to  be  before 
the  war,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said,  as  he  read 
the  paper  at  breakfast  in  his  Paris  hotel  shortly 
after  President  Wilson's  visit  to  England.  "For 
mer  tunes  if  a  feller  understood  C.  O.  D.  and  N. 
G.,  y'understand,  he  could  read  the  papers  and 
get  sense  out  of  it  the  same  like  he  would  be  a 
college  gradgwate,  already;  but  nowadays  when 
you  pick  up  a  morning  paper  and  read  that 
Colonel  Harris  Lefkowitz,  we  would  say,  for 
example,  A.  D.  C.  to  the  C.  O.  at  G.  H.  Q.  of  the 
A.  E.  F.,  has  been  decorated  with  the  D.  S.  O.,  you 
feel  that  the  only  way  to  get  a  line  on  what  is 
going  on  in  the  world  is  to  get  posted  on  this  — 
now  —  algebry  which  ambitious  young  shipping- 
clerks  gets  fired  for  studying  during  office  hours." 
"Well,  if  you  get  mixed  up  by  these  here  letters, 
think  what  it  must  be  like  for  President  Wilson 
to  suddenly  get  one  of  them  English  statesmen 
sprung  on  him  by  —  we  would  say  —  the  King  — 
where  the  King  says:  'Mr.  President,  shake 
hands  with  the  Rutt  Hon.  Duke  of  Cholomondley, 
K.C.M.G.,  R.V.O.,  K.C.B.,  F.P.A.,  G.S.I.,  and 
sometimes  W.and  Y.,'"  Morris  said,  "in  especially 

24 


THE  PRESIDENT'S  VISIT  TO  ENGLAND 

as  I  understand  Cholomondley  is  pronounced  as  if 
written  Rabinowitz." 

"It  would  anyhow  give  the  President  a  tropic 
for  conversation  such  as  ain't  it  the  limit  what 
you  got  to  pay  to  get  visiting-cards  engraved 
nowadays,  which  it  really  and  truly  must  cost  the 
English  aristocracy  a  fortune  for  such  things," 
Abe  said,  "in  particularly  if  the  daughter  of  such 
a  feller  gets  married  with  engraved  invitations, 
Mawruss,  after  he  had  paid  the  stationery  bill, 
y'understand,  he  wouldn't  got  nothing  left  for  her 
dowry." 

"Well,  I  guess  the  President  wasn't  in  no 
danger  of  running  out  of  tropics  of  conversation 
while  he  was  in  England,  Abe,"  Morris  said, 
"which  during  all  the  spare  time  Mr.  Wilson  had 
on  his  trip  he  did  nothing  but  hold  conversations 
with  Mr.  Balfour,  and  this  here  Lord  George,  and 
you  could  take  it  from  me,  Abe,  there  wasn't 
many  pauses  to  be  filled  up  by  Mr.  Wilson  saying 
ain't  it  a  funny  weather  we  are  having  nowadays, 
or  something  like  that." 

"How  do  you  know?"  Abe  asked.  "Was  you 
there?" 

"I  wasn't  there,"  Morris  said,  "but  last  night 
I  was  speaking  in  the  lobby  of  the  hotel  to  one  of 
them  newspaper  reporters  which  made  the  trip 
with  the  President,  and  after  I  had  given  the 
young  feller  one  of  the  cigars  we  brought  with  us 
from  New  York  he  got  quite  friendly  and  told 
me  all  about  it.  It  seems,  Abe,  that  the  visit 
was  a  wonderful  success,  in  particular  the  first 

25 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

day  Mr.  Wilson  was  in  England.  The  weather 
was  one  of  the  finest  days  they  had  in  wrinter  over 
in  England  for  years  already.  Only  six  inches 
of  rain,  and  the  passage  across  the  English  Channel 
was  so  smooth  for  this  time  of  the  year  that  less 
than  eighty  per  cent,  of  the  passengers  was  ill  as 
against  the  normal  percentage  of  99.31416.  As 
Mr.  Wilson  had  requested  that  no  fuss  should 
be  made  over  his  visit,  things  was  kept  down  as 
much  as  possible,  so  that,  on  leaving  Calais,  the 
President's  boat  was  escorted  by  only  ten  torpedo- 
boat  destroyers,  a  couple  battle-ships,  three 
cruisers,  and  eight-twelfths  of  a  dozen  assorted 
submarines.  There  was  also  a  simple  and  informal 
escort  of  about  fifty  airy-oplanes,  the  six  dirigible 
balloons  having  been  cut  out  of  the  program  in 
accordance  from  the  President's  wishes.  How 
ever,  Abe,  all  this  simplicity  was  nothing  com 
pared  to  the  way  they  acted  when  the  President 
arrived  at  Dover.  There  the  arrangements  was 
what  you  might  expect  when  the  President  of  a 
plain,  democratic  people  visits  the  country  of 
another  plain,  democratic  people,  Abe.  The 
only  people  there  to  meet  them  was  about  twenty 
or  thirty  dukes,  a  few  field-marshals,  three  regi 
ments  of  soldiers,  including  the  bands,  and  some 
body  which  the  newspaper  reporter  says  he  at 
first  took  for  Caruso  in  the  second  act  of  *Aida' 
and  afterwards  proved  to  be  the  mayor  of  Dover 
in  his  official  costume. 

"The  ceremony  of    welcoming    Mr.  and  Mrs. 
Wilson  to  the  shores  of  England  was  very  short, 

26 


THE  PRESIDENT'S  VISIT  TO  ENGLAND 

the  whole  thing  being  practically  over  in  two 
hours  and  thirty  minutes,"  Morris  continued. 
"It  consisted  of  either  the  firing  of  a  Presiden 
tial  salute  of  twenty-one  guns  or  the  play 
ing  of  the  American  National  Anthem  by 
the  massed  bands  of  three  regiments,  the  reporter 
says  he  couldn't  tell  which,  on  account  he  stood 
behind  one  of  the  drums.  Later  the  President 
made  a  short  speech,  in  which  he  said:  'May  I 
not  say  how  glad  I  am  to  land  in  Dover,*  or 
something  to  that  effect." 

"And  after  that  boat-ride  from  France  he 
would  have  said  so  if  it  had  been  Barren  Island, 
or  any  other  place — just  so  long  as  it  was  free 
from  earthquakes  and  didn't  roll  none,"  Abe 
agreed.  "Also,  Mawruss,"  he  continued,  "some 
day  the  President  is  going  to  begin  a  speech  with, 
'May  I  not,'  and  the  chairman  of  the  meeting  will 
take  him  at  his  word  and  put  it  to  a  standing  vote, 
and  it  is  going  to  surprise  the  President  how  few 
people  is  going  to  remain  seated  on  the  proposition 
of  whether  or  not  he  shall  continue  to  begin  letters 
and  speeches  with,  'May  I  not.": 

"Say!"  Morris  exclaimed.  "When  we  get  by 
mail  a  cancelation  and  answer  it,  'Dear  Gents, 
Your  favor  received,'  does  that  mean  we  think 
the  customer  is  doing  us  a  favor  by  canceling  an 
order  on  us?  Oser  a  Stuck.  And  in  the  same 
way,  when  Mr.  Wilson  says,  'May  I  not?'  nobody 
fools  themselves  for  a  minute  that  the  President 
is  asking  permission.  That's  just  a  habit  us  and 
him  got  into,  Abe,  and  in  fact,  Abe,  Mr.  Wilson's 

27 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

'May-I-nots*  have  always  meant  that  not  only 
was  he  going  to  say  what  he  intended  to  say, 
but  that  he  was  also  going  to  do  it,  too.  So, 
therefore,  you  take  the  speech  he  made  at  the 
Gelthall  in  London,  and— 

"But  as  I  understand  your  story,  Mawruss, 
he  only  just  arrived  in  Dover,"  Abe  said,  "so  go 
ahead  with  your  lies,  and  tell  me  what  happened 
next." 

"Well,"  Morris  went  on  to  say,  "after  the 
mayor  of  Dover  had  presented  Mr.  Wilson  with 
the  Freedom  of  the  City  in  a  gold  casket — 

"Excuse  me,  Mawruss,"  Abe  interrupted,  "but 
what  is  this  here  Freedom  of  the  City  that  mayors 
is  all  the  time  presenting  to  Mr.  Wilson?" 

"I  don't  know,"  Morris  replied,  "except  that 
seemingly  a  Freedom  of  the  City  always  comes 
in  a  gold  casket." 

"Sure,  I  know,"  Abe  said,  "but  what  does  Mr. 
Wilson  gain  by  all  these  here  Freedoms  of  Cities?" 

"Gold  caskets,"  Morris  replied,  "although  I 
think  myself  that  some  of  these  mayors  ain't 
above  getting  by  with  a  gold-plated  silver  casket, 
or  even  a  rolled-gold  casket,  relying  on  the  fact 
that  Mr.  Wilson  is  too  much  of  a  gentleman  to 
get  an  appraisal,  anyhow  till  he  returns  to 
America." 

"Well,  if  I  would  be  Mr.  Wilson,  I  wouldn't 
take  it  so  particular  to  act  too  gentlemanly  to 
them  mayors,"  Abe  commented,  "because  I  see 
in  the  papers  that  when  the  mayor  of  London 
presented  him  with  the  Freedom  of  the  City, 

28 


THE  PRESIDENT'S  VISIT  TO  ENGLAND 

Mr.  Wilson  got  the  Freedom  part,  but  he  was 
told  that  the  gold  casket  was  in  preparation, 
which  I  admit  that  I  don't  know  nothing  about 
this  here  mayor  of  London,  but  you  know  how 
it  is  when  a  customer  gets  married,  Mawruss,  and 
we  put  off  sending  him  a  wedding  present  till  we 
could  get  round  to  it,  y'understand,  which  we  are 
all  human,  Mawruss,  and  it  wouldn't  surprise  me 
in  the  least  if  six  months  from  now  the  mayor  of 
London  would  be  going  round  saying,  'Why 
should  we  give  that  feller  a  gold  casket — am  I 
right  or  wrong?' — and  let  the  whole  gold-casket 
thing  die  a  natural  death." 

"They'll  probably  come  across  with  it  after  a 
few  how-about-casket  cables,  and,  anyhow,  if 
they  didn't,  Abe,  the  English  people  certainly 
done  enough  for  Mr.  Wilson,"  Morris  continued, 
"because  that  newspaper  reporter  told  me  that 
the  reception  which  Mr.  Wilson  got  in  London 
was  something  enormous,  y'understand.  The 
King  and  Queen  was  waiting  to  meet  him  and 
the  station  platform  was  covered  with  a  red- 
velvet  pile  carpet  which  was  so  thick,  understand 
me,  that  they  'ain't  been  able  as  yet  to  locate  a 
couple  of  suit-cases  which  was  carelessly  put 
down  by  the  Rutt  Hon.  the  Duke  of  Warrington, 
K.G.Y.,  Y.M.H.A.,  First  Lord  Red  Cap  in  Waiting, 
and  sunk  completely  out  of  sight  while  he  helped 
a  couple  of  Assistant  Red  Caps  in  Waiting,  also 
dukes,  load  the  Presidential  wardrobe  trunks 
on  the  Royal  Baggage  Transfer  truck." 

"What  do  you  mean — also  dukes?"  Abe  de- 

29 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

manded.  "Do  you  mean  to  say  that  the  Red 
Caps  which  hustles  the  King's  baggage  is  dukes?" 

"At  the  very  least,"  Morris  declared,  "because 
the  Master  of  the  Royal  Fox-hounds  is  an  earl, 
Abe,  and  I  leave  it  to  you,  Abe,  if  handling  bag 
gage  ain't  a  better  job  than  feeding  dogs.  Also, 
Abe,  there  is  Lords  in  Waiting  and  Ladies  in 
Waiting,  and  it  wouldn't  surprise  me  in  the  slight 
est  if  during  their  stay  in  Buckingham  Palace 
some  of  the  members  of  Mr.  Wilson's  party  which 
ain't  been  tipped  off  have  telephoned  down  to 
the  office  for  towels  and  kept  the  Marquis  of 
Hendersonville,  Lanes  County,  England,  Knight 
Commander  of  the  Bath,  waiting  at  the  bedroom 
door  ten  minutes,  while  they  went  through  all 
their  clothes  trying  to  find  something  smaller 
than  a  quarter  to  slip  him." 

"And  do  you  believe  for  one  moment,  Mawruss 
—if  there  was  a  Marquis  of  Hendersonville,  which 
I  never  heard  of  such  a  person,  Mawruss — and 
he  did  happen  to  be  Knight  Commander  of  the 
Bath,  y'understand,  that  he  is  actually  handing 
out  soap  and  towels  in  the  King  of  England's 
palace?"  Abe  inquired. 

"Certainly  I  don't  believe  it,"  Morris  replied, 
"and  I  also  don't  believe  that  calling  anybody 
Right  Honorable  is  going  to  make  him  any  more 
right  than  he  is  honorable,  unless,  of  course,  he 
is  honorable  to  start  with  and  really  and  truly 
wants  to  be  right,  y'understand.  And  that  is 
what  Mr.  Wilson  went  to  England  to  find  out, 
Abe,  because  it  ain't  going  to  affect  the  Peace 

30 


THE  PRESIDENT'S  VISIT  TO  ENGLAND 

Conference  one  way  or  the  other  if  the  Master 
of  the  Royal  Fox-hounds  don't  know  a  dawg- 
biscuit  from  a  gingersnap,  y'understand,  whereas 
if  this  here  war  is  going  to  be  settled  once  and 
for  all,  Abe,  it's  quite  important  that  the  Right 
Honorable  English  statesmen  should  have  right 
and  honorable  intentions." 

"And  did  Mr.  Wilson  find  out?"  Abe  asked. 

"Sure  he  did,"  Morris  said,  "although  from 
what  this  here  newspaper  reporter  tells  me,  Abe, 
there  was  a  whole  lot  of  lost  motion  about  the 
investigation.  Take,  for  instance,  the  attitude 
of  Mr.  Lord  George  on  the  Freedom  of  the  Seas, 
for  instance,  and  you  would  think  that  in  the  case 
of  a  busy  man  like  Mr.  Wilson,  y'understand,  he 
would  of  rung  him  up  on  the  telephone,  made 
an  appointment  for  luncheon  the  next  morning, 
and  by  half  past  one  at  the  outside  they  would 
have  got  the  matter  in  such  shape  that  the  only 
point  not  settled  between  'em  would  be  a  friendly 
quarrel  as  to  see  who  should  pay  for  the  eats, 
y'understand.  Actually,  however,  the  arrange 
ments  for  having  Mr.  Wilson  get  into  touch  with 
Lord  George  was  conducted  by  the  Comptroller 
of  the  Royal  Household,  and  the  line  of  march 
was  down  Piccadilly  as  far  as  Forty-second  Street, 
over  to  Hyde  Park,  and  by  way  of  Hyde  Park 
west  to  Eighth  Avenue  to  Mr.  Lord  George's 
office  in  the  London  &  Liverpool  Title  Guarantee 
and  Trust  Company  Building.  The  order  of 
procession  was  as  follows: 

"Twelve  mounted  policemen. 

31 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

"The  band  of  the  King's  Own  Sixty-ninth 
Regiment. 

"Typographical  Union  No.  6,  Allied  Printing 
Trades  Council  of  Great  Britain  and  Ireland. 

"William  J.  Mustard  Association,  Drum  and 
Fife  Corps. 

"Household  Guards. 

"First  carriage — Mr.  Wilson  and  the  King. 

"Second  carriage — Mrs.  Wilson  and  the  Queen. 

"Third  carriage — Mr.  George  Creel. 

"Fourth  carriage — Master  of  the  Royal  Fox 
hounds,  Master  of  the  Royal  Buck-hounds,  Mas 
ter  of  the  Royal  Stag-hounds,  two  Masters  of 
Assorted  hounds. 

"Six  Motor-cycle  Policemen. 

"The  Stock  Exchange  closed,  and  promissory 
notes  falling  due  on  that  date  became  automat 
ically  payable  on  the  following  day.  Admission 
to  the  revie wing-stand  was  by  card,  some  of  which 
found  their  way  into  the  hands  of  the  speculators, 
and  will  shortly  be  the  subject  of  a  John  Doe 
investigation  by  the  district  attorney  of  Middlesex 
County,  so  the  newspaper  feller  told  me.'"" 

"But  what  is  this  here  Lord  George's  attitude 
towards  the  Freedom  of  the  Seas,  Mawruss?" 
Abe  asked. 

"That  the  newspaper  feller  didn't  know,"  Mor 
ris  said. 

"  Well,  who  does  know?"  Abe  insisted. 

"Lord  George,"  Morris  replied. 


IV 


EVERYTHING      IS      PROCEEDING      SATISFACTORILY— 
MAYBE 

"XT'ES,  Abe,"  Morris   Perlmutter   said   to   his 

*  partner,  Abe  Potash,  a  few  days  after  Mr. 
Wilson's  return  from  his  visit  to  Italy,  "up  to 
a  short  time  ago  hardly  anybody  in  America  had 
ever  even  heard  about  Italy's  claims  to  the  Dal 
matian  territory." 

"Naturally!"  Abe  replied;  "because  if  there  is 
six  people  in  the  whole  United  States  which  is 
engaged  in  the  business  of  selling  spotted  dogs  to 
fire-engine  houses,  Mawruss,  that  would  be  big 
already." 

Morris  threw  up  both  hands  in  a  gesture  of 
despair.  "What  is  the  use  talking  foreign  politics 
to  a  feller  which  thinks  that  Italy's  claims  to  the 
Dalmatian  territory  means  she  wants  the  exclu 
sive  right  to  make  New  York,  Cleveland,  Chicago, 
and  St.  Louis  with  a  line  of  spotted  dogs  for  fire- 
engine  companies!"  he  exclaimed. 

"And  I  wouldn't  even  have  known  that  it 
meant  that  much,"  Abe  retorted,  entirely  un 
abashed,  "excepting  that  six  months  ago  my  wife's 
sister's  cousin  wanted  me  I  should  advance  her 

a   hundred   dollars  to   pay   a  lawyer  he  should 
4  33 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

bring  suit  against  the  city  for  her  on  account  she 
got  bitten  by  one  of  them  fire-house  Dalmatians, 
Mawruss,  which  up  to  that  time  I  always  had  an 
idea  they  was  splashed-up  white  dogs.  So  go 
ahead,  Mawruss,  I'll  be  the  goat.  What  is 
Italy's  claims  to  the  Dalmatian  territory?" 

"Well,  in  the  first  place,  Italy  thinks  she 
should  be  awarded  all  them  towrns  where  a  ma 
jority  of  the  people  which  lives  in  them  speaks 
Italian,"  Morris  said;  "like  Fiume,  Spalato, 
Ragusa — 

"Also  New  Rochelle,  Mount  Vernon,  and  The 
Bronx,"  Abe  added;  "and  if  she  wants  to  get 
nasty,  Mawruss,  she  could  claim  all  the  territory 
east  of  Third  Avenue,  from  Ninetieth  Street  up 
to  the  Harlem  River,  too.  Furthermore,  Mawruss, 
there  is  neighborhoods  south  of  Washington 
Square  where  not  only  the  majority  of  the  people 
speaks  Italian,  but  the  minority  speaks  it  also. 
So  you  see  how  complicated  things  becomes 
when  a  new  beginner  like  me  starts  in  to  talk 
foreign  politics." 

"For  that  matter,  all  us  Americans  is  new 
beginners  on  foreign  politics,  from  Mr.  Wilson 
down,  Abe,"  Morris  said.  "And  that  is  why  Mr. 
Wilson  done  a  wise  thing  when  he  visited  Italy 
the  other  day,  and  took  a  lot  of  American  news 
paper  fellers  with  him,  because,  between  you  and 
me,  Abe,  it  wouldn't  surprise  me  in  the  least  if 
some  of  them  reporters  went  down  there  under 
the  impression  that  the  only  thing  which  dis 
tinguished  Ragusa  from  Ravioli  or  Spalato  from 

34 


PROCEEDING  SATISFACTORILY— MAYBE 

Spaghetti  was  the  difference  in  the  shape  of  the 
noodles,  but  that  otherwise  they  was  cooked  the 
same,  with  chicken  livers  and  tomato  sauce, 
which  you  know  how  it  is  in  America:  ninety 
per  cent,  of  the  people  gets  their  education  from 
reading  in  newspapers,  and  the  consequence  is 
that  if  the  American  newspaper  reporters  has  a 
sort  of  hazy  idea  that  Sonnino  is  either  an  item 
on  the  bill  of  fare,  to  be  passed  up  on  account 
of  having  garlic  in  it,  or  else  a  tenor  which  the 
Metropolitan  Opera  House  ain't  given  a  contract 
to  as  yet,  y'understand,  then  the  American  pub 
lic  has  got  the  same  sort  of  hazy  idea.  So  Mr. 
Wilson  done  the  right  thing  traveling  to  Italy, 
even  if  he  did  have  an  uncomfortable  journey." 

"What  do  you  mean — an  uncomfortable  jour 
ney?"  Abe  demanded.  "Why,  I  understand  he 
traveled  on  the  King  of  Italy's  royal  train!" 

"Sure,  I  know,"  Morris  agreed;  "but  when  a 
king  is  sleeping  on  a  royal  train  in  Europe,  Abe, 
he  can  be  pretty  near  as  comfortable  as  a  traveling- 
salesman  sitting  up  all  night  on  a  day-coach  in 
America,  and  if  he  spends  two  nights  on  such  a 
royal  train,  the  way  President  Wilson  did  in  going 
from  Paris  to  Rome,  which  is  about  as  far  as  from 
New  York  to  Chicago,  y'understand,  it  wouldn't 
make  no  difference  how  many  people  is  waiting  at 
the  station  to  holler  'Long  live  the  King!'  under 
stand  me,  he  is  going  to  feel  half  dead,  anyway." 

"And  yet  there  is  people  which  claims  that  Mr. 
Wilson  don't  give  a  whoop  whether  he  makes 
himself  popular  or  not,"  Abe  commented,  "which 

35 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

before  I  could  lay  awake  two  nights  on  a  train,  I 
wouldn't  care  if  every  newspaper  reporter  in  the 
United  States  never  got  no  nearer  to  Italy  than  a 
fifty-cent  table  d'hote,  including  wine." 

"Maybe  you  would  care  if  you  was  going  to 
Italy  to  make  speeches  the  way  Mr.  Wilson  did," 
Morris  said.  "Which  if  the  King  of  Italy  was  to 
go  to  America  and  make  speeches  in  Italian  at  the 
Capitol  in  Washington,  it  would  be  just  as  well 
if  he  would  bring  along  an  audience  of  a  few 
dozen  Italians  with  him,  and  not  depend  on 
enough  barbers,  shoe-blacks,  and  vegetable-stand 
keepers  horning  in  on  the  proceedings  to  give  the 
Congressmen  and  Senators  a  hint  as  to  where  the 
applause  should  come  in.  In  fact,  I  was  speaking 
to  one  of  them  newspaper  fellers  which  went  to 
Italy,  Abe,  and  he  says  that  he  listened  carefully 
to  all  the  speeches  which  was  made  in  Italian, 
Mawruss,  and  that  once  he  thought  he  heard  the 
word  Chianti  mentioned,  but  he  couldn't  say  for 
certain.  He  told  me,  however,  that  the  correspond 
ent  of  The  New  York  Evening  Post  also  claims 
that  he  heard  Orlando,  the  Prime  Minister,  in  a 
speech  delivered  in  Rome,  use  the  words  II 
Trovatore,  but  that  otherwise  the  whole  thing  was 
like  having  the  misfortune  to  see  somebody  give 
an  imitation  of  Eddie  Foy  when  you've  escaped 
seeing  Eddie  Foy  in  the  first  place,  so  you  can 
imagine  what  chance  Mr.  Wilson  would  have 
stood  with  them  Italians  if  the  American  corre 
spondents  hadn't  been  along  to  start  the  cries  of 
'Bravo!'  in  the  right  spot. 


PROCEEDING  SATISFACTORILY— MAYBE 

"So  you  see,  Abe,  it's  a  good  thing  for  them 
newspaper  men  to  see  what  kind  of  people  the 
Italians  is  in  their  own  country,"  Morris  con 
tinued,  "because  if  this  here  League  of  Nations 
idea  is  going  to  be  put  over  by  Mr.  Wilson, 
Americans  should  ought  to  know  from  the  start 
that  Italy  is  a  Big  League  nation  and  its  batting 
average  in  this  war  is  just  as  good  as  the  other 
Big  League  nations." 

"Did  any  one  say  it  wasn't?"  Abe  demanded. 

"I  know  they  didn't,"  Morris  said.  "But  just 
the  same,  Abe,  there's  a  whole  lot  of  people  in 
America  which  judges  the  Italians  by  the  way 
they  behave  in  the  ice  business  and  'Cavalleria 
Rusticana/  and  also  a  feller  can  get  a  very  un 
favorable  opinion  of  Italians  by  being  shaved 
in  one  of  them  ten-cent  palace  barber  shops,  under 
stand  me,  so  even  if  them  newspaper  men  couldn't 
appreciate  the  performance  without  a  libretto, 
y'understand,  they  could  anyhow  see  for  them 
selves  that  the  Italians  in  Italy  is  doctors  and 
lawyers,  clothing-dealers  and  bankers,  just  the 
same  like  the  Americans  are  in  America,  and  if 
they  can  pass  the  word  back  home,  with  a  few 
details  of  how  it  feels  to  be  a  foreigner  in  a  for 
eign  country,  that  wouldn't  do  no  harm,  neither." 

"That  is  something  which  an  American  news 
paper  correspondent  wouldn't  touch  on  at  all," 
Abe  said,  "because  I  bet  that  every  last  one  of 
them  has  already  sent  back  to  America  an  article 
about  this  trip  to  Italy,  which,  when  the  readers 
of  his  newspaper  looks  at  it,  Mawruss,  not  only 

37 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

would  they  think  that  he  understood  Sonnino's 
speech  from  start  to  finish,  y'understand,  but 
also  that  every  time  the  newspaper  feller  is  in 
Rome,  which  the  article  would  lead  one  to  believe 
has  been  on  an  average  of  once  a  week  for  the 
past  ten  years,  Mawruss,  him  and  Sonnino  drink 
coffee  together." 

"Ain't  he  taking  a  big  chance  when  he  writes 
a  thing  like  that?"  Morris  commented. 

" Yow!  A  chance!"  Abe  exclaimed.  "Why,  to 
read  the  things  that  a  few  of  these  here  Wash 
ington  correspondents  used  to  write  when  they 
was  in  America  yet,  you  would  think  every  one 
of  them  was  pestered  to  death  with  telephone 
messages  from  the  White  House  where  Mr. 
Tumulty  says  if  the  newspaper  feller  has  got  a 
little  spare  time  that  evening  the  President  would 
consider  it  a  big  favor  if  he  would  step  around  to 
the  White  House,  as  Mr.  Wilson  would  like  to 
ask  him  an  advice  about  a  diplomatic  note  which 
has  just  been  received  from  Lord  George  in 
regards  to  the  Freedom  of  the  Seas  or  something." 

"But  don't  you  suppose  the  newspaper  which  a 
nervy  individual  like  that  is  working  for  would 
fire  him  on  the  spot?"  Morris  observed. 

"Not  at  all,"  Abe  said,  "because  the  newspaper- 
owner  likes  people  to  get  the  idea  that  the  news 
paper  has  got  such  an  important  feller  for  a 
Washington  correspondent,  just  as  much  as  the 
correspondent  does  himself,  Mawruss,  so  you  can 
imagine  the  bluff  some  of  them  fellers  is  going  to 
throw  now  that  they  really  got  something  inter- 

88 


PROCEEDING  SATISFACTORILY— MAYBE 

esting  to  write  about  like  this  here  Peace  Con 
ference.  If  Mr.  Wilson  gains  all  his  fourteen 
points,  y'understand,  the  special  Paris  corre 
spondent  of  the  Bridgetown,  Pa.,  Daily  Regis 
ter  is  going  to  write  home,  'And  he  could  have 
gained  fifteen  if  he  would  only  have  listened  to 
me/  Also,  Mawruss,  during  the  next  three 
months,  if  the  Peace  Conference  lasts  that  long, 
the  readers  of  the  Cyprus,  N.  J.,  Evening  Chron 
icle  is  going  to  get  the  idea  that  President 
Wilson,  Clemenceau,  Lord  George,  and  a  feller 
by  the  name  of  Delos  M.  Jones,  who  is  writing 
Peace  Conference  articles  for  the  Cyprus,  N. 
J.,  Evening  Chronicle,  are  in  secret  conference 
together  every  day,  including  Sundays,  from  10 
A.M.  to  midnight,  fixing  up  the  boundaries  between 
Rumania  and  Servia." 

"Well,  them  boys  has  got  to  produce  something 
to  make  their  bosses  back  in  America  continue 
paying  salary  and  traveling  expenses,"  Morris 
said,  "because  from  what  this  here  newspaper 
correspondent  tells  me,  if  he  didn't  get  his  imag 
ination  working,  all  he  could  write  for  his  paper 
would  be  descriptions  of  Paris  scenery,  including 
the  outside  of  the  buildings  where  on  the  insides, 
with  the  doors  locked  and  the  curtains  pulled,  Mr. 
Wilson  and  the  American  Peace  Commissioners  is 
openly  and  notoriously  carrying  on  open  and 
notorious  peace  conversations  with  the  other 
allied  Peace  Commissioners,  and  for  all  the  news 
paper  correspondents  know  to  the  contrary,  Abe, 
the  only  point  on  which  them  Peace  Commission 

39 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

fellers  ain't  breaking  up  the  furniture  over  is  that 
when  they  come  out,  y 'understand,  it  is  agreed 
that  the  newspaper  correspondents  will  be  told 
that  everything  is  proceeding  satisfactorily." 

"But  I  thought  Mr.  Wilson  promised  before 
he  left  America  that  the  old  secret  diplomacy 
would  be  a  thing  of  the  past,"  Abe  said. 

"So  he  did,"  Morris  agreed,  "and  by  what  I 
gather  from  this  here  newspaper  man  he  kept 
his  promise,  too,  and  we  now  have  got  a  new 
diplomacy,  compared  to  which  the  fellers  who 
were  working  under  the  rules  of  the  old  secret 
diplomacy  bladded  everything  they  knew." 

"But  I  distinctly  read  it  in  the  papers  the  other 
day  that  every  morning  at  half  past  ten,  Mawruss, 
Mr.  Lansing  meets  the  newspaper  correspondents 
and  lets  them  know  what's  been  going  on , "  Abe  said . 

"He  meets  them,"  Morris  replied,  "but  so  far 
as  letting  them  know  what  has  been  going  on  is 
concerned,  all  he  says  that  everything  is  pro 
ceeding  satisfactorily  and  is  there  any  gentleman 
there  which  would  like  to  ask  him  any  questions, 
which  naturally  any  newspaper  correspondent 
who  could  ask  Mr.  Lansing  such  questions  as 
would  make  Mr.  Lansing  give  out  any  informa 
tion  he  didn't  want  to  give  out,  wouldn't  be  wast 
ing  his  time  working  as  a  newspaper  correspond 
ent,  Abe,  but  would  be  considering  offers  from  the 
law  firm  of  Hughes,  Brandeis,  Stanchfield,  Hughes 
&  Stanchfield  to  come  in  as  a  full  partner  and 
take  exclusive  charge  of  the  cross-examination 
of  busted  railroad  presidents." 

40 


PROCEEDING  SATISFACTORILY— MAYBE 

"Maybe  the  reason  why  Mr.  Lansing  don't  tell 
them  newspaper  correspondents  nothing  is  that  he 
ain't  got  nothing  to  tell  them,"  Abe  suggested. 

"Well,  then,  if  I  would  be  him,  Abe,  I  would 
make  up  something,"  Morris  said,  "because  if 
he  don't  they  will,  or  anyhow  some  of  them  will, 
and  there  is  going  to  be  a  lot  of  stuff  printed  in 
American  papers  where  the  correspondent  says 
he  learns  from  high  authority  that  things  ain't 
going  so  good  in  the  Peace  Conference  as  Mr. 
Wilson  would  like,  because  Mr.  Wilson  is  the 
doctor  in  the  case,  and  you  know  how  it  is  when 
somebody  is  too  sick  to  be  seen  and  the  doctor  is 
worried,  Abe,  he  sends  down  word  by  the  nurse 
that  everything  is  proceeding  satisfactorily,  and 
the  visitor  goes  away  trying  to  remember  did  he 
or  did  he  not  throw  away  that  fifty-cent  black 
four-in-hand  tie  he  wore  to  the  last  funeral  he 
went  to." 

"I  got  a  whole  lot  of  confidence  in  Mr.  Wilson 
as  the  doctor  for  this  here  war-sickness  which 
Europe  is  suffering  from,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said. 

"So  have  I,"  Morris  said:  "but  you've  got  to 
remember-  that  there's  a  whole  lot  of  those  doctors 
on  the  case,  Abe — some  of  them  quack  doctors,  too, 
and,  when  the  doctors  disagree,  who  is  to  decide?" 

"I  don't  know,"  Abe  said;  "but  I  think  I  know 
who  would  like  to." 

"Who?"  Morris  asked. 

"Some  of  these  here  Washington  newspaper 
correspondents  you  was  talking  about,"  Abe 
concluded. 

41 


THIS    HERE    PEACE    CONFERENCE IT    NEEDS 

PUBLICITY 

"TKTELL,  Mawruss,"  Abe  Potash  said,  as 
V  V  he  and  his  partner,  Morris  Perlmutter, 
sat  at  breakfast  in  their  Paris  hotel  one  Sunday 
morning,  "I  see  that  the  Peace  Conference  had 
a  meeting  the  other  day  where  it  was  regular 
ly  moved  and  seconded  that  there  should  be  a 
League  of  Nations,  and,  in  spite  of  what  them 
Republican  Senators  back  home  predicted,  Maw 
russ,  when  Chairman  Clemenceau  said,  'Con 
trary  minded,'  you  could  of  heard  a  pin  drop." 

"Sure  you  could,"  Morris  Perlmutter  agreed, 
"because  the  way  this  here  Peace  Conference 
is  being  run,  Abe,  when  Mr.  Clemenceau  says: 
*A11  those  in  favor  would  please  say  Aye?  he  ain't 
asking  them,  he's  TELLING  them,  which  I  was 
speaking  to  the  newspaper  feller  last  night,  Abe, 
and  he  says  that,  compared  to  the  delegates 
at  this  here  Peace  Convention,  y 'understand,  the 
delegates  of  a  New  York  County  Democratic 
Convention  are  free  to  act  as  they  please.  In 
fact,  Abe,  as  I  understand  it,  at  the  sewed-up 
political  conventions  which  they  hold  it  in  Amer 
ica,  the  bosses  do  occasionally  let  a  delegate  get  up 

42 


THIS  PEACE  CONFERENCE  NEEDS  PUBLICITY 

and  say  a  few  words  which  ain't  on  the  program 
exactly,  but  at  this  here  Peace  Convention  a  dele 
gate  who  tries  to  get  off  a  speech  which  'ain't  first 
been  submitted  in  writing  ten  days  in  advance 
should  ought  to  go  into  training  for  it  by  picking 
quarrels  with  waiters  in  all-night  restaurants. 

"Take  this  here  meeting  which  they  held  it  on 
Saturday,  Abe,"  Morris  continued,  "and  it  was 
terrible  the  way  Chairman  Clemenceau  jumps, 
for  instance,  on  a  feller  from  Belgium  by  the 
name  M.  Hyman." 

"That  ain't  the  same  M.  Hyman  which  used 
to  was  M.  Hyman  &  Co.  in  the  coat-pad  business?" 
Abe  inquired. 

"This  here  M.  Hyman  used  to  was  a  Belgium 
minister  in  London,"  Morris  went  on,  "which 
he  got  up  and  objected  to  the  way  the  five  big 
nations — America,  Great  Britain,  France,  Italy, 
and  Japan — was,  so  to  speak,  hogging  the  con 
vention." 

"Well,  I  think  the  Reverend  Hyman  was  right, 
at  that,"  Abe  said,  "which  I  just  finished  reading 
Mr.  Wilson's  speech  at  that  meeting,  Mawruss, 
in  which  he  said  that  no  longer  should  the  select 
classes  govern  the  rest  of  mankind,  y'understand, 
and  after  the  American,  French,  British,  Italian, 
and  Japanese  delegates  gets  through  applauding 
what  Mr.  Wilson  says,  they  select  themselves  to 
run  the  rest  of  the  nations  in  the  League  of 
Nations.  Naturally  an  ex-minister  like  the  Rev 
erend  Hyman  is  going  to  say,  'Why  don't  you 
practise  what  you  preach?" 

43 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

"And  if  he  wouldn't  of  been  an  ex-minister, 
Abe,"  Morris  said,  "the  chances  is  that  Chairman 
Clemenceau  would  of  whispered  a  few  words 
into  the  cauliflower  ear  of  one  of  the  sergeants-at- 
arms,  and  when  the  session  closed,  y 'understand, 
the  hat-check  boy  would  have  had  one  hat  left 
over  with  the  initials  M.  H.  in  it  which  Mr. 
Hyman  didn't  have  time  to  claim  before  he  hit 
the  car  tracks,  y'understand,  and  I  wouldn't 
blame  Chairman  Clemenceau,  neither,  because,  if 
this  here  Peace  Conference  is  going  to  end  this 
side  of  nineteen-fifty,  it's  got  to  be  speeded  up 
some.'* 

"Nobody  says  it  'ain't,"  Abe  agreed,  "but  this 
here  M.  Hyman  is  a  Belgium  and  he's  got  a  right 
to  be  heard." 

"He  would  have  if  everybody  didn't  admit  that 
Belgium  shall  be  protected  in  every  which  way, 
Abe,"  Morris  agreed,  "but  there  is  also  a  lot  of 
small  nations  which  has  got  delegates  at  the 
Peace  Convention,  like  Cuba,  y'understand,  and 
some  of  them  South  American  republics,  and, 
once  you  begin  with  them  fellers,  where  are  you 
going  to  leave  off?  Take,  for  instance,  the  Com 
mittee  on  Reparation,  which  has  got  charge  of 
deciding  how  much  money  Germany  ought  to 
pay  for  losses  suffered  by  the  countries  which 
made  war  on  her,  y'understand,  and  there  wasn't 
one  of  them  Spanish-American  republics  which 
didn't  want  to  get  appointed  on  that  committee, 
because,  when  the  Reparation  Committee  gets 
to  work,  practically  all  of  them  republics  is  going 

44 


THIS  PEACE  CONFERENCE  NEEDS  PUBLICITY 

to  come  along  with  claims  for  smoke  damages, 
bills  for  labor  in  connection  with  ripping  out  the 
fixtures  of  confiscated  German  steamers,  loss  of 
services  of  the  Presidents  of  such  republics  by 
reason  of  tonsillitis  from  talking  about  how 
bravely  they  would  have  fought  if  they  had 
raised  an  army  and  navy  which  they  didn't, 
y 'understand,  and  any  other  claims  against 
Germany  which  they  think  they  might  have  had 
a  chance  to  get  by  with." 

"Well,  of  course  there  is  bound  to  be  a  lot  of 
them  small  republics  which  is  going  to  make  a 
play  for  a  little  easy  money,  Mawruss,"  Abe 
said,  "but  the  indications  is  that  when  the  proofs 
of  claims  is  filed  by  the  alleged  creditors,  y'under- 
stand,  there  would  be  a  couple  of  them  comma 
hounds  on  the  Reparation  Committee  which 
would  reject  such  claims  on  the  grounds  of  mis 
placed  semicolons  alone.  Then  six  months  hafter- 
wards,  when  the  representative  of  one  of  them 
republics  goes  over  to  what  used  to  was  the 
office  of  the  Peace  Conference  with  a  revised 
proof  of  claim,  which  he  has  just  received  by 
return  mail,  understand  me,  he  would  find  the 
premises  temporarily  occupied  by  one  of  them 
crooked  special-sale  trunk  concerns,  and  that's 
all  there  would  be  to  it." 

"Then  you  think  that  this  here  Peace  Con 
ference  would  only  last  six  months,  Abe?"  Morris 
asked. 

"Sure  I  do,"  Abe  replied,  "and  less,  even, 
because  right  now  already  the  interest  is  begin- 

45 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

ning  to  die  out,  which  it  wouldn't  surprise  me  in 
the  slightest,  Mawruss,  if  in  three  weeks  or  so, 
when  Mr.  Wilson  is  temporarily  out  of  the  cast 
on  account  of  going  home  to  America  to  sign 
the  new  tax  bill,  y 'understand,  the  attendance  of 
the  delegates  would  begin  to  fall  off  so  bad,  under 
stand  me,  that  the  Peace  Conference  managers 
would  got  to  spend  a  lot  of  money  for  putting  in 
advertisements  that  George  Clemenceau  presents: 

"  'TiiE  INTERNATIONAL  PEACE  CONFERENCE 
The  Unparalleled  Success  of  Two  Hemispheres 

*  Enthralling* Tribune 

'Punch  with  a  Kick  in  It' Sun 

'Vigor  and  Suspense* World 

'  Wins  Audience' Globe 

'  Gripping' Mail 

'Ausgezeichnet* Tageblatt 

QUAI  D'ORSAY 

Now. 
Matinees,  Saturday,  2:30."; 

"And  even  then  they  wouldn't  get  an  audience, 
Abe,"  Morris  said,  "because  those  kind  of  adver 
tisements  don't  fool  nobody  but  the  suckers 
which  pays  for  them,  Abe." 

"Maybe  not,"  Abe  agreed,  "but  if  the  dele 
gates  stays  away,  Mawruss,  the  Peace  Conference 
could  always  get  an  audience  by  letting  in  the 
newspaper  correspondents,  which  I  d :  a't  care  if 

46 


THIS  PEACE  CONFERENCE  NEEDS  PUBLICITY 

in  addition  to  Mr.  Lord  George  and  Colonel 
House  they  would  got  performing  at  this  here 
Peace  Conference  Douglas  Fairbanks  and  Caruso, 
it  wouldn't  be  a  success  as  a  show,  anyhow,  because 
no  theayter  could  get  any  audiences  if  they 
would  make  it  a  policy  to  bar  out  the  newspaper 
crickets." 

"Well,  I'll  tell  you,"  Morris  began.  "Nobody 
likes  to  read  in  newspapers  more  than  I  do,  Abe. 
They  help  to  pass  away  many  unpleasant  minutes 
in  the  Subway  when  a  feller  would  otherwise  be 
figuring  on  if  God  forbid  the  brakes  shouldn't 
hold  what  is  going  to  become  of  his  wife  and 
children,  y 'understand ;  but,  at  the  same  time, 
from  the  way  this  here  newspaper  feller  which 
hogs  our  cigars  is  talking,  Abe,  I  gather  that  the 
big  majority  of  newspaper  reporters  now  in  Paris 
has  got  the  idea  that  this  here  Peace  Conference 
is  being  held  mainly  to  give  newspaper  reporters  a 
chance  to  write  home  a  lot  of  snappy  articles 
about  peace  conferences,  past  and  present.  Al 
though,  of  course,  there  is  certain  more  or  less 
liberal-minded  newspaper  men  which  think  that 
if,  incidentally,  Mr.  Wilson  puts  over  the  League 
of  Nations  and  the  Freedom  of  the  Seas,  why, 
they  'ain't  got  no  serious  objections,  just  so  long 
as  it  don't  involve  talking  the  matter  over  pri 
vately  without  a  couple  of  hundred  newspaper 
reporters  present." 

"Sure,  I  know,"  Abe  said;  "but  if  them  news 
paper  fellers  has  got  such  an  idee,  Mawruss,  it  is 
Mr.  Wilson's  own  fault,  because  ever  since  we 

5  47 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

got  into  the  war,  y'understand,  Mr.  Wilson  has 
been  talking  about  open  covenants  of  peace 
openly  arrived  at,  and  even  before  we  went  into 
the  war  he  got  off  the  words  'pitiful  publicity/ 
and  also  it  was  him  and  not  the  newspaper  men 
which  first  give  the  readers  of  newspapers  to 
understand  that  the  old  secret  diplomacy  was  a 
thing  of  the  past,  Mawruss,  so  the  consequences 
was  that,  when  Mr.  Wilson  come  over  here,  the 
owners  of  newspapers  sent  to  Paris  everybody 
that  was  working  for  them — from  dramatic 
crickets  to  baseball  experts — just  so  long  as  they 
could  write  the  English  language,  y'understand, 
because  them  newspaper-owners  figured  that, 
according  to  Mr.  Wilson's  own  suggestions,  this 
here  Peace  Conference  was  not  only  going  to  be  a 
wide-open  affair,  openly  arrived  at,  y'understand, 
but  also  pitifully  public,  whereas  not  only  it  ain't 
wide  open,  Mawruss,  but  it  is  about  as  pitifully 
public  as  a  conference  between  the  members 
of  the  financial  committee  of  Tammany  Hall 
on  the  day  before  Election.  Also,  Mawruss,  a 
newspaper  reporter  could  arrive  at  that  Peace 
Conference  openly  or  he  could  arrive  at  it  dis 
guised  with  false  whiskers  till  his  own  wife  wouldn't 
know  him  from  a  Jugo-Slob  delegate,  y'under 
stand,  and  he  couldn't  get  past  the  elevator- 
starter  even." 

"That  was  when  the  conference  opened,"  Morris 
said;  "but  I  understand  they  are  now  letting  them 
into  the  next  room  and  giving  them  once  in  a 
while  a  look  through  the  door  during  the  supper 

48 


THIS  PEACE  CONFERENCE  NEEDS  PUBLICITY 

turns  when  the  Polack  and  Servian  delegates  is 
performing." 

"And  that  ain't  going  to  do  them  a  whole  lot 
of  good,  neither,"  Abe  declared,  "because  this 
here  newspaper  feller  told  me  last  night,  when 
he  was  smoking  my  last  cigar,  that  he  has 
been  mailing  back  an  article  a  day  to  Amer 
ica  ever  since  the  President  arrived  here  and 
there  ain't  not  one  of  them  which  has  got  there 

yet." 

"And  I  was  reading  in  the  America  edition 
of  the  Paris  edition  of  the  London  edition  of  the 
Manchester,  England,  Daily  News  that  the  news 
paper  correspondents  couldn't  only  send  back  a 
couple  of  hundred  words  or  so  by  telegraph,  Abe," 
Morris  said,  "which  the  way  it  looks  to  me,  Abe, 
if  some  news  don't  find  its  way  back  to  America 
pretty  quick  about  this  here  Peace  Conference 
and  Mr.  Wilson,  y'understand,  people  back  home 
in  Washington  is  going  to  say  to  each  other, 
*I  wonder  whatever  become  of  this  here — now— 
Wilson?'  and  the  friend  is  going  to  say,  'What 
Wilson?'  And  the  other  feller  would  then  say, 
'Why,  this  here  Woodruff  Wilson.'  And  then 
the  friend  would  say,  'Oh,  HIM!  Didn't  he  move 
away  to  Paris  or  something?'  And  the  other 
feller  would  then  say,  *I  see  where  Benny  Leonard 
put  up  a  wonderful  fight  in  Madison  Square 
Garden  yesterday,'  and  that's  all  there  would  be 
to  THAT  conversation." 

"Maybe  it  is  because  of  this,  and  not  because 
of  signing  the  new  tax  bill,  that  the  President  is 

49 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

going  home  in  a  few  days  for  a  short  stay  in 
America,"  Abe  suggested. 

"  Sure,  I  know,"  Morris  agreed ;  "  but  what  good 
is  them  short  visits  going  to  do  him,  because  I 
ain't  such  an  optician  like  you  are,  Abe.  I 
believe  that  this  here  Peace  Conference  is  going 
to  last  a  whole  lot  longer  than  six  months,  Abe, 
and,  if  Mr.  \Vilson  keeps  on  going  home  and 
coining  back,  maybe  the  first  time  he  goes  back 
he  would  get  some  little  newspaper  publicity 
out  of  it,  and  the  second  time  also,  perhaps,  but 
on  the  third  when  he  returns  from  France  only  the 
Democratic  newspapers  would  give  him  more  as 
half  a  column  about  it,  and  later  on,  when  he 
lands  from  his  third  to  tenth  trips,  inclusive,  all 
the  notice  the  papers  would  take  from  it  would 
be  that  in  the  ship's  news  on  the  ninth  page  there 
would  be  a  few  lines  saying  that  among  those 
returning  on  the  S.S.  George  Washington  was  J. 
L.  Abrahams,  and  so  on  through  the  B's,  C's, 
and  D's  right  straight  down  to  the  Ws,  which 
you  would  got  to  read  over  several  times  before 
you  would  discover  the  President  tucked  away 
as  W.  Wilson  between  two  fellers  named  Max 
Wangenheim  and  Abraham  Welinsky." 

"There  is  something  in  what  you  say,  Maw- 
russ,"  Abe  admitted;  "but,  at  the  same  time,  a 
big  man  like  Mr.  Wilson  ain't  looking  to  get  no 
newspaper  notoriety.  He  is  working  to  become 
famous." 

"Sure,  I  know,"  Morris  said;  "but  the  only 
difference  between  notoriety  and  fame  is  that  with 

50 


THIS  PEACE  CONFERENCE  NEEDS  PUBLICITY 

notoriety  you  get  the  publicity  now,  whereas 
with  fame  you  get  the  publicity  fifty  years  from 
now,  and  the  publicity  which  Mr.  Wilson  is  going 
to  get  fifty  years  from  now  ain't  going  to  help 
him  a  whole  lot  in  the  next  presidential  campaign." 

"Mr.  Wilson  ain't  worrying  about  the  next 
presidential  campaign,  Mawruss,"  Abe  declared. 
"What  he  is  trying  to  do  is  to  make  a  success 
of  this  here  Peace  Conference." 

"Then  he  would  better  get  a  press  agent  for  it," 
Morris  observed,  "because,  if  they  don't  get 
some  more  publicity,  it  will  die  on  its  feet." 


VI 

JOINING    THE    LEGION    OF    HONOR 

;'  ¥  SEE  where  several  Americans  took  advantage 
*  to  join  the  Legion  of  Honor  while  they  was 
over  here,"  Morris  Perlmutter  remarked,  as  he 
sat  at  luncheon  with  his  partner,  Abe  Potash, 
in  the  restaurant  of  their  Paris  hotel. 

"Some  people  is  crazy  for  life  insurance,"  Abe 
Potash  commented,  "in  especially  if  they  could 
combine  it  with  the  privilege  to  make  speeches 
at  lodge-meetings.  Also,  Mawruss,  a  whole  lot  of 
people  is  so  badly  predicted  to  the  lapel-button 
habit  that  they  would  join  anything  just  so  long 
as  they  get  a  lapel-button  to  show  for  it." 

"But  this  here  Legion  of  Honor  must  be  a  pretty 
good  fraternal-insurance  proposition  at  that," 
Morris  observed,  "because  it  says  here  in  the  paper 
where  several  New  York  bankers  has  gone  into 
it,  which  it's  a  mighty  hard  thing  to  separate 
them  fellers  from  their  money  even  with  first- 
class,  A-number-one,  gilt-edged,  two-name  com 
mercial  paper,  and  if  this  here  Legion  of  Honor 
was  just  a  lapel-button  affair  which  assessed  its 
members  every  time  they  had  a  death  claim  to 
pay,  you  could  take  it  from  me,  Abe,  not  one  of 
them  bankers  would  of  went  near  it,  so  maybe 

52 


JOINING  THE  LEGION  OF  HONOR 

it  would  be  a  good  thing  if  we  looked  into  it, 
Abe." 

"If  you  want  to  join  this  here  Legion  of  Honor, 
that's  your  business,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said,  "but 
I  already  belong  to  the  Independent  Order  Mattai 
Aaron,  which  I've  been  paying  them  crooks  for 
three  years  now  that  I  should  get  a  sick  benefit 
fifteen  dollars  a  week  without  being  laid  up  with 
so  much  as  tonsillitis  even." 

"About  the  sick  benefit  I  wasn't  thinking  about 
at  all,"  Morris  declared;  "but  you  take  a  feller 
like  Sam  Feder,  president  of  the  Kosciusko  Bank, 
for  instance,  and  if  we  should  be  maybe  next  year 
a  little  short  and  wanted  an  accommodation  from 
two  to  three  thousand  dollars,  y'understand,  it 
wouldn't  do  us  no  harm  if  we  could  give  him  the 
L.  of  H.  grip  for  a  starter.  Am  I  right  or  wrong?" 

"Say!"  Abe  exclaimed.  "The  chances  is  that 
when  them  New  York  bankers  gets  back  to  New 
York  they  will  want  to  forget  all  about  joining 
this  here  L.  of  H." 

"Why,  what  is  there  so  disgraceful  about  join 
ing  the  L.  of  H.?"  Morris  asked. 

"Nobody  said  nothing  about  its  being  dis 
graceful,  because  lots  of  decent,  respectable  fellers 
is  liable  to  make  a  mistake  of  that  kind,  under 
stand  me,"  Abe  said;  "but  you  take  one  of  these 
here  members  of  the  firm  of — we  would  say,  for 
example,  J.  G.  Morgan,  y'understand,  which 
comes  back  from  Paris  after  joining  this  here 
L.  of  H.,  and  what  happens  him?  The  first 
morning  he  comes  down  to  the  office  wearing 

53 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

an  L.  of  H.  button,  Mawruss,  everybody  from 
the  paying-teller  up  is  going  to  ask  him  what 
is  the  idea  of  the  button,  and  he  is  going  to  spend 
the  rest  of  the  day  listening  to  stories  about  peo 
ple  joining  insurance  fraternities  which  busted  up 
and  left  the  members  with  undetermined  sentences 
of  from  three  to  five  years,  y 'understand.  The 
consequence  would  be  that  if  any  of  his  depositors 
expect  to  get  an  accommodation  by  giving  him 
the  L.  of  H.  grip  or  wearing  an  L.  of  H.  button, 
y'understand,  they  might  just  so  well  send  him  an 
invitation  to  a  banquet  where,  in  order  to  gain 
his  confidence  and  respect,  they  are  going  to 
drink  champagne  out  of  an  actress's  slipper,  and 
be  done  with  it.  Am  I  right  or  wrong ?'? 

"Well,  you  couldn't  exactly  blame  them  fellers 
which  joined  the  L.  of  H.,"  Morris  observed, 
"because  Paris  has  a  very  funny  effect  on  some 
of  the  most  level-headed  Americans  which  goes 
there  without  their  families  and  business  asso 
ciates,  which  if  this  here  League  of  Nations  had 
been  fixed  up  at  a  Peace  Conference  held  some- 
wheres  down  on  Lower  Broadway  instead  of  the 
Quai  d'Orsay,  Abe,  the  chances  is  that  the  United 
States  Senate  would  of  had  a  whole  lot  more 
confidence  in  it  than  they  have  at  present." 

"Say!"  Abe  explained.  "This  here  League  of 
Nations  could  of  been  pulled  off  in  Paris  or  it 
could  of  been  pulled  off  in  a  respectable  neigh 
borhood  like  Prospect  Park  West,  Brooklyn, 
Mawruss,  for  all  the  spare  time  it  gave  the  fellers 
which  framed  it  to  indulge  in  any  wild  night  life. 

54 


JOINING  THE  LEGION  OF  HONOR 

Take,  for  instance,  the  proposed  constitution  and 
by-laws,  which  was  printed  on  three  pages  of  the 
newspaper  the  other  day,  Mawruss,  and  anybody 
which  dictated  that  megillah  to  a  stenographer 
would  be  too  hoarse  for  weeks  afterwards  to  order 
so  much  as  a  plain  Benedictine.  Also,  Mawruss, 
nobody  which  didn't  lead  a  blameless  We  could 
have  a  brain  clear  enough  to  understand  the 
thing,  let  alone  composing  it,  which  last  night  I 
sat  up  till  two  o'clock  this  morning  reading  them 
twenty-six  articles,  Mawruss,  and  ten  grains  of 
asperin  hardly  touched  the  headache  which  I  got 
from  it." 

"Naturally,"  Morris  said,  "because  when  Mr. 
Wilson  wrote  that  constitution,  Abe,  he  figured 
that  people  which  is  going  to  read  it  has  got  a 
better  education  as  one  year  in  night  school." 

"Sure,  I  know,"  Abe  agreed,  satirically,  "but 
at  the  same  time  everybody  ain't  such  a  natural- 
born  Harvard  gradgawate  like  you  are,  Mawruss, 
and  furthermore,  Mawruss,  it's  a  big  mistake  for 
Mr.  Wilson  to  go  ahead  on  the  idea  that  we  are, 
y'understand,  because,  so  far  as  I  remember  it, 
the  Constitution  of  the  United  States  didn't  say 
that  this  was  a  government  of  the  college  gradga- 
wates  by  the  college  gradgawates  for  the  college 
gradgawates,  y'understand;  neither  did  the  Dec- 
claration  of  Independence  start  in  by  saying, 
'We,  the  college  gradgawates  of  the  United 
States,'  Mawruss.  The  consequences  is  that  most 
of  us  ingeramusses  which  has  got  one  vote  apiece, 
even  around  last  November  already,  begun  to 

55 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

feel  neglected,  and  you  could  take  it  from  me, 
Mawruss,  if  Mr.  Wilson  tries  to  win  the  con 
fidence  of  the  American  people  with  a  few  more 
of  them  documents  with  the  twin-six  words  in 
them,  y'understand,  by  the  time  he  gets  ready 
to  run  for  President  again,  Mawruss,  the  only 
people  which  is  going  to  vote  for  him  would  be 
the  Ph.D.  and  A.M.  fellers." 

"Well,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said,  a  few  days  after 
the  conversation  above  set  forth,  "I  see  that 
President  Wilson  got  back  to  America  after  a 
rough  passage." 

"Was  he  seasick?"  Morris  asked. 

"Not  a  day,"  Abe  replied. 

"Then  that  accounts  for  it,"  Morris  commented. 

"Accounts  for  what?"  Abe  asked. 

"Doctor  Grayson  being  an  admiral,"  Morris 
replied,  "which  a  couple  of  years  ago,  when  Mr. 
Wilson  appointed  Doctor  Grayson  to  be  an  ad 
miral  over  the  heads  of  a  couple  of  hundred  fellers 
which  had  been  captains  of  ships  for  years  already, 
a  lot  of  people  got  awful  sore  about  it,  and  now 
it  appears  that  he  got  the  appointment  because 
he  can  cure  seasickness." 

"I  suppose  if  Doctor  Grayson  could  cure  loco 
motive  ataxia  the  President  would  of  appointed 
him  Director-General  of  Railroads,"  Abe  remarked. 

"For  my  part,  Abe,"  Morris  said,  "if  I  had  a 
good  doctor  like  Doctor  Grayson  attending  me, 
and  it  was  necessary  to  appoint  him  to  some 
thing  in  order  to  keep  him,  Abe,  I  would  appoint 
him  a  field-marshal,  just  so  long  as  he  could  make 

56 


JOINING  THE  LEGION  OF  HONOR 

me  comfortable  on  an  Atlantic  trip  in  winter 
time." 

"But  there  isn't  no  office  in  the  army  or  navy 
that  President  Wilson  could  appoint  Doctor 
Grayson  to  which  would  have  been  a  big  enough 
reward  if  Doctor  Grayson  could  have  made  the 
President  feel  comfortable  in  Washington  when 
he  got  there,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said,  "which  I  see 
by  the  paper  this  morning  that  thirty-seven 
United  States  Senators,  coming  from  every  state 
in  the  Union  except  Missouri,  suddenly  discovered 
they  was  from  Missouri,  in  particular  the  Senator 
from  Massachusetts,  and  not  only  does  them 
Senators  want  to  know  what  the  meaning  of  that 
constitution  of  the  League  of  Nations  means, 
but  they  also  give  notice  that,  whatever  it  means, 
they  are  going  to  knife  it,  anyway.'' 

"Sure,  I  know,"  Morris  said;  "they're  like  a 
lot  of  business  men  you  and  me  has  had  experience 
with,  Abe.  They  claim  a  shortage  and  kick 
about  the  quality  of  the  shipment  before  they 
even  start  to  unpack  the  goods.  Why  don't  they 
wait  till  Mr.  Wilson  goes  back  and  finishes  up  his 
job?" 

"They  haven't  got  the  time,"  Abe  replied, 
"because  the  session  ends  on  March  4th  at  noon, 
just  about  twenty-four  hours  before  Admiral 
Grayson  is  paying  his  first  professional  call  on 
President  Wilson  aboard  the  George  Washington, 
and  by  the  time  Congress  gets  together  again 
President  Wilson  expects  to  have  the  League  of 
Nations  proposition  sewed  up  so  tight  that  there 

57 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

will  be  nothing  left  for  them  Senators  to  do  but  to 
indorse  it." 

"But,  as  I  understand  it,  them  Senators  just 
loafed  away  their  time  during  the  end  of  the  ses 
sion  and  didn't  pass  a  whole  lot  of  laws  which 
they  should  ought  to  have  passed,  Abe,  so  that  it 
will  be  necessary  for  President  Wilson  to  call  an 
extra  session  in  a  few  days,"  Morris  said. 

"That's  what  them  Senators  figured,"  Abe 
agreed,  "but  they  was  mistaken,  Mawruss,  be 
cause  the  President  ain't  going  to  run  any  chances 
of  being  interrupted  while  he  is  working  on  this 
here  Peace  Conference  by  S  O  S  messages  from 
Washington  to  please  come  home  if  he  wants  to 
save  anything  out  of  the  wreck  Congress  is  making 
of  the  inside  of  the  Capitol." 

"But  I  thought  that  before  he  went  to  Europe 
in  the  first  place,  Abe,  President  Wilson  said  to 
Congress  that  it  wouldn't  make  any  difference 
to  them  about  his  being  in  Europe,  because  he 
was  in  close  touch  with  them,  and  that  the  cables 
and  the  wireless  would  make  him  available  just 
as  though  he  was  still  living  in  the  White  House," 
Morris  said. 

"Sure,  I  know,"  Abe  agreed;  "but  the  trouble 
with  that  situation  was  that  it  'ain't  been  dis 
covered  by  the  inventors  yet  how  a  President 
can  shake  hands  with  a  Senator  by  wireless  or 
how  he  can  sit  down  to  dinner  by  wireless  with  a 
few  Congressmen  and  make  them  feel  that  he  is 
their  one  best  friend.  Also,  Mawruss,  it  comes 
high  even  for  a  President  to  send  cable  messages 

58 


JOINING  THE  LEGION  OF  HONOR 

to  a  Senator  which  he  thinks  is  getting  sore  about 
something,  such  cable  messages  being  in  the 
nature  of:  *  Hello,  Henry,  what's  the  good  word? 
Why  is  it  I  'ain't  seen  you  up  to  the  White  House 
lately,  Henry?'  or,  'Where  have  you  been  keep 
ing  yourself  lately,  Henry?'  or,  'Mrs.  Lodge  and 
the  children  all  right,  Henry?'  or  something  like 
that." 

"Say,  for  that  matter,  Abe,"  Morris  observed, 
"President  Wilson  never  did  a  whole  lot  of  jolly 
ing  when  he  could  have  done  it  over  the  telephone 
at  unlimited  local-service  rates.  In  fact,  from 
what  I  have  seen  of  Mr.  Wilson,  he  looks  to  me 
like  a  man  who  would  find  it  a  whole  lot  easier 
to  be  easy  in  his  manner  toward  Congressmen 
by  wireless  or  by  cable  than  face  to  face." 

"Well,  you  couldn't  blame  Mr.  Wilson  exactly, 
Mawruss,"  Abe  said,  "because,  up  to  the  time 
he  became  Governor  of  New  Jersey,  his  idea  of 
being  a  good  mixer  was  to  get  together  with  a 
couple  of  LL.D.'s  and  sit  up  till  pretty  near  nine 
o'clock  knocking  the  trustees,  y'understand.  In 
fact,  up  to  the  time  he  resigned  from  being  presi 
dent  of  Princeton  College,  life  to  Mr.  Wilson  was 
just  correcting  one  examination  paper  after  an 
other,  all  of  which  'ain't  got  nothing  to  do  with 
this  here  League  of  Nations  being  a  good  thing, 
Mawruss,"  Abe  declared. 

"And  it  don't  affect  the  fact  that  Mr.  Wilson 
is  a  high-grade,  A-number-one  gentleman,  which 
is  doing  the  best  he  knows  how  to  make  good  to 
his  country,  Abe,"  Morris  declared. 

59 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

"Did  I  say  he  wasn't?"  Abe  asked. 

"Then  what  are  you  dragging  up  his  past  life 
for?"  Morris  demanded. 

"What  do  you  mean — dragging  up  his  past  life?" 
Abe  rejoined.  "The  way  you  talk,  Mawruss,  you 
would  think  that  being  president  of  a  college 
come  in  two  degrees,  like  grand  larceny,  and  had  to 
be  lived  down  through  the  guilty  party  getting 
the  respect  of  the  community  by  years  of  honest 
work." 

"Say,  lookyhere,  Abe,"  Morris  protested,  "don't 
try  to  twist  things  around  till  it  looks  like  I  was 
knocking  Mr.  Wilson,  and  not  you." 

"I  am  knocking  President  Wilson!"  Abe  ex 
claimed.  "Why,  I've  got  the  greatest  respect 
for  Mr.  Wilson,  and  always  did,  Mawruss,  but 
it  would  be  foolish  not  to  admit  that  the  practice 
which  a  President  of  the  United  States  gets  in 
being  a  college  professor  is  more  useful  to  him  in 
framing  up  a  first-class,  A-number-one  League  of 
Nations  than  it  is  in  getting  his  political  enemies 
to  accept  it.  Am  I  wright  or  wrong?" 

"Maybe  he  would  have  got  them  to  accept  it 
if  he  had  stayed  in  touch  with  them  personally 
and  managed  the  Peace  Conference  by  wireless 
and  cable,"  Morris  suggested. 

"He  probably  figured  that  if  he  wanted  to  put 
over  this  here  League  of  Nations  it  was  more 
necessary  for  him  to  be  on  the  job  in  Fiance 
than  on  the  job  in  America,"  Abe  said. 

"Well,"  Morris  commented,  "the  next  time 
the  United  States  of  America  has  a  Peace  Con- 

60 


JOINING  THE  LEGION  OF  HONOR 

ference  on  its  hands,  Abe,  the  President  will  have 
to  be  a  copartnership  instead  of  an  individual, 
with  one  member  of  the  firm  in  Washington  and 
the  other  in  Paris." 

"But  what  would  Admiral  Grayson  do?"  Abe 
asked.  "He  couldn't  be  in  two  places  at  the 
same  time." 

"Probably  the  Washington  President  could 
find  a  bright  young  physician  in  the  Treasury 
Department,"  Morris  concluded,  "and  promote 
him  to  the  honorary  title  and  salary  of  Comptroller 
of  the  Currency." 
6 


VII 


SOME     CRUEL     AND     UNUSUAL     PUNISHMENTS     FOR 
THE  KAISER 

'  T  SEE  where  an  American  army  officer  reports 
•i-  that  he  has  investigated  into  the  food  situa 
tion  in  Germany  and  that  the  German  people 
looks  thin,"  Abe  Potash  observed  to  his  partner, 
Morris  Perlmutter. 

"That's  already  German  propoganda,  Abe," 
Morris  said.  "Word  come  down  from  head 
quarters  that  the  German  people  should  look 
thin  in  order  to  get  the  sympathy  of  the  Ameri 
can  officer,  so  they  looked  thin,  y'understand." 

Abe  shrugged  his  shoulders.  "Maybe  you're 
right,  Mawruss,"  he  said,  "but  all  I  could  say  is 
that  them  German  propoganders  which  has 
charge  of  making  the  German  people  look  thin 
is  wasting  their  time  in  Germany,  because  there 
is  plenty  people  in  America  which  would  make 
them  propoganders  rich  for  life  if  they  would 
only  come  over  to  New  York  and  open  an  office 
for  giving  reduction  propoganda  at  a  thousand 
dollars  a  treatment." 

"Well,  I'll  tell  you,"  Morris  said;  "ordinarily, 
if  the  German  people  looked  thin  you  would  believe 
them.  Also,  before  the  war,  if  somebody  went 

62 


PUNISHMENTS  FOR  THE  KAISER 

to  Germany  and  people  asked  him  when  he  come 
back  how  was  the  weather  there,  he  didn't  say, 
'Unless  they  was  putting  one  over  on  me,  it  was 
snowing,'  y 'understand,  but  to-day  it's  different. 
Nobody  has  got  no  confidence  in  the  Germans 
nowadays.  In  fact,  even  the  Germans  themselves 
is  losing  confidence  in  them.  Take  Berlin,  for 
instance,  and  every  week  the  Spartacist,  or  Red, 
government  has  got  the  support  of  the  people 
from  9:30  A.M.  Tuesday  until  6  P.M.  Thursday, 
when  the  German  people  begins  to  lose  confidence 
in  them,  so  that  by  8:30  A.M.  Friday  the  Coalition, 
or  Yellow,  government  comes  into  power.  The 
Coalition,  or  Yellow,  government  then  keeps  the 
confidence  of  the  people  until  Sunday  midnight, 
when,  under  the  influence  of  the  Sunday  night 
Ersat  Delicatessen  supper,  the  Germans  starts  in 
to  suspect  that  everything  ain't  right  with  the 
Yellow  government,  neither,  so  back  they  go  to 
the  Red  government,  and  they  seize  Police  Head 
quarters,  the  Bureau  of  Assessments  and  Arrears, 
and  desk  room  in  the  office  of  the  Deputy  Com 
missioner  of  Water-supply,  Gas,  and  Electricity, 
and  that's  the  way  it  goes." 

"It's  a  funny  thing  to  me  why  them  colored 
German  governments  always  starts  a  revolution 
by  seizing  Police  Headquarters,  Mawruss,"  Abe 
commented. 

"That's  the  way  they  finance  the  revolution," 
Morris  replied;  "because  I  understand  that  the 
night  life  in  Berlin  has  been  going  on  the  same  as 
usual,  revolution  or  no  revolution,  Abe,  which  I 

63 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

bet  yer  that  as  soon  as  the  new  chief  of  police 
is  appointed  by  the  Red  or  Yellow  government, 
as  the  case  may  be,  he  don't  waste  no  time,  but 
he  right  away  sends  out  plain-clothes  men  to  the 
proprietors  of  them  Berlin  all-night  restaurants 
with  positive  instructions  to  close  all  restaurants 
at  eleven  sharp  and  not  to  accept  nothing  but 
gold  coin  of  the  present  standard  of  weight  and 
fineness." 

"And  yet  it  used  to  be  thought  that  when  it 
comes  to  graft,  Mawruss,  German  officials  was 
like  Caesar's  ghost,"  Abe  observed — "above  sus 
picion." 

"That's  only  another  way  of  them  impressions 
about  Germany  which  us  Americans  has  had 
reversed  on  us,  Abe,"  Morris  said,  "which  the 
way  our  idees  about  what  kind  of  a  people  the 
Germans  used  to  was  has  changed,  Mawruss,  it 
wouldn't  surprise  me  in  the  least  if  the  old  habit 
the  Germans  had  for  drinking  beer  was  just  a 
bluff,  y 'understand,  and  that  at  heart  they  was 
prohibitionists  to  a  man.  In  fact,  Abe,  if  I 
would  be  a  German  Bolshevik  with  instructions 
to  shoot  the  Kaiser  on  sight,  I  should  go  gunning 
for  a  short,  stout  man  with  a  tooth-brush  mustache 
and  a  holy  horror  of  wearing  uniforms,  because 
it's  my  opinion  that  all  them  so-called  portraits 
of  the  Kasier  was  issued  for  the  purpose  of  mis 
leading  anarchists  to  shoot  at  a  thin  man  in  a 
heavily  embroidered  uniform  with  spike-end 
mustaches." 

"Well,  whatever  he  looks  like,  Mawruss,"  Abe 

64 


PUNISHMENTS  FOR  THE  KAISER 

said,  "if  I  was  him,  rather  than  have  such  a  terrible 
fate  hanging  over  me,  y'imderstand,  I  would 
telegraph  to  Berlin  for  them  to  send  along  a  good 
shot  while  they  was  about  it,  and  have  the  thing 
over  with  quick,  Mawruss." 

"  Say !"  Morris  exclaimed.  "  You  and  me  should 
have  hanging  over  us  the  life  which  the  Kaiser 
is  going  to  lead  from  now  on!  For  two  hundred 
and  fifty  dollars  a  week  at  a  Pallum  Beach  hotel 
you  could  only  get  a  very  small  idea  of  the  hard 
ships  the  Kaiser  will  got  to  undergo  in  the  future, 
Abe." 

"But  do  you  mean  to  told  me  that  after  what 
happened  to  that  English  lady  in  Brussels  and 
the  captain  of  the  English  mail-boat,  Mawruss, 
the  English  ain't  going  to  persecute  the  Kaiser?" 
Abe  demanded. 

"  You — the  English  would  persecute  the  Kaiser!" 
Morris  exclaimed.  "Don't  you  know  that  the 
Kaiser's  mother  was  the  King  of  England's  father's 
sister?  Do  you  suppose  for  a  moment  that  the 
King  of  England  wants  a  convict  in  the  family?" 

"Well,  has  he  got  any  mishbocha  in  France, 
Mawruss?"  Abe  asked.  "Because  if  not,  Mawruss, 
it  seems  to  me  that  now,  while  all  the  witnesses 
is  in  Paris,  it  wouldn't  be  a  bad  idea  to  get  the 
March  term  of  the  Paris  County  grand  jury  to 
hand  down  an  indictment  for  murder  with  intent 
to  kill  or  something." 

'That  sounds  reasonable  to  anybody  not  con 
nected  with  this  here  Peace  Conference,  Abe," 
Morris  admitted,  "but  it  seems  that  the  Coni- 

65 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

mittee  for  Fixing  Responsibility  says  that  if  they 
was  to  hang  or  shoot  the  Kaiser  it  would  give 
him  an  awful  drag  with  the  German  people,  and 
they  don't  want  the  Kaiser  to  get  popular  again, 
dead  or  alive.  Their  idea  is  to  punish  him  by 
letting  him  live  on  to  be  an  outcast  among  all 
the  people  of  the  earth,  except  the  proprietors 
of  first-class  European  hotels,  dealers  in  high- 
grade  automobiles,  expensive  jewelry  storekeepers, 
fashionable  tailors,  and  a  couple  of  million  other 
people  who  don't  attach  an  awful  lot  of  importance 
to  the  moral  character  of  anybody  which  wants 
to  enjoy  life  and  has  got  the  money  to  do  it  with. 
In  other  words,  Abe,  they  claim  that,  in  leaving 
the  Kaiser  to  his  conscience  and  his  bank-account 
they  are  punishing  him  a  whole  lot  worse  as 
hanging  him  or  shooting  him." 

"And  I  suppose  that  same  committee  is  going 
to  sentence  von  Tirpitz  to  six  months  at  Monte 
Carlo,  while  Ludendorff  will  probably  be  con 
fined  to  a  Ritz  hotel  eight  hours  a  day  for  the 
rest  of  his  natural  life,"  Abe  suggested. 

"The  committee  claims  not,"  Morris  replied. 
"It  seems  that  the  Kaiser's  ministers — like  von 
Tirpitz  and  Ludendorff — is  going  to  get  what 
is  coming  to  them,  on  the  grounds  that  they  are 
guilty  of  violations  of  international  law  and  'ain't 
got  no  relations  among  the  royal  families  of  Eng 
land  or  Italy." 

"But  why  not  bring  the  whole  fleet  over  to 
America,  and  let  the  authorities  dispose  of  them 
there?"  Abe  inquired. 

66 


PUNISHMENTS  FOR  THE  KAISER 

"The  Kaiser  would  be  just  as  much  a  martyr 
if  he  was  sentenced  in  America  as  in  Europe," 
Morris  replied. 

"Who  says  anything  about  sentencing  him?" 
Abe  demanded.  "All  it  would  be  necessary  to 
do  would  be  to  swear  out  a  warrant  against  him 
and  leave  the  rest  to  a  couple  of  headquarters 
detectives,  which,  naturally,  when  them  fellers 
would  tell  him  to  come  along  with  them,  the 
Kaiser  would  technically  resist  the  arrest  by 
asking  what  for.  This  would  mean  at  the  very 
least  ten  stitches  in  his  scalp,  Mawruss,  not 
reckoning  a  couple  of  broken  ribs  or  so  when  the 
fingerprints  was  taken,  and,  while  it  wouldn't 
be  only  a  starter  in  the  way  of  punishment,  he 
would  anyhow  find  out  that  it  is  one  thing  to  be 
actually  engaged  in  a  modern  battle,  and  that 
looking  at  it  through  a  high-power  telescope  while 
sitting  in  a  bomb-proof  limousine  six  miles  away 
is  absolutely  something  else  again.  Later  on, 
Mawruss,  when  a  New  York  police-court  lawyer 
visited  him  in  his  cell  after  the  Kaiser  had  lunched 
on  bread  and  water  and  the  police-court  lawyer 
on  what  used  to  be  called  Koenigsburger  Klops 
and  is  now  known  as  Liberty  Roast,  understand 
me,  the  Kaiser  would  get  just  an  inkling  of  what 
it  means  to  be  caught  in  a  gas  attack  without  a 
gas-mask." 

"  You  talk  like  you  would  got  a  little  experience 
in  the  way  of  sitting  in  prison  yourself,  Abe," 
Morris  commented. 

"I  am  giving  you  what  practically  happened  to 

67 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

a  feller  by  the  name  Immerglick  which  was  arrested 
by  mistake  on  account  the  police  thought  he  looked 
like  an  Italian  who  was  wanted  for  barrel  murder, 
Mawruss,"  Abe  exclaimed,  "and  if  the  police  be 
haves  this  way  to  a  perfect  stranger  which  is  inno 
cent  at  that,  Mawruss,  you  could  imagine  what 
them  fellers  would  do  to  a  well-known  guilty  party 
like  the  Kaiser.  But  that's  neither  here  nor 
there,  Mawruss.  What  I  am  trying  to  do  is  to 
work  out  a  punishment  proposition  for  the  Kaiser 
which  would  get  by  with  such  a  sensitive  bunch 
as  this  here  committee  to  place  responsibility 
seems  to  be." 

"Go  ahead  and  have  a  good  tune  with  your 
pipe-dream,  Abe,"  Morris  said.  "You  couldn't 
make  me  feel  bad,  no  matter  what  happens  to  the 
Kaiser  in  your  imagination." 

"Well,"  Abe  continued,  "after  he  is  through 
with  trying  to  get  rid  of  the  police-court  lawyer, 
Mawruss,  he  should  ought  to  be  arranged  before 
the  magistrate  in  a  traffic  court,  y'understand, 
and  should  be  accused  of  driving  at  the  rate  of 
twenty-two  miles  an  hour,  which  is  two  miles 
past  the  legal  speed  limit,  and  then  he  would 
find  out  that  all  them  commandants  of  Ruhleben 
and  the  other  German  prison  camps  wasn't  even 
new  beginners  in  the  art  of  making  prisoners 
feel  cheap,  because  you  take  one  of  these  here 
traffic-court  magistrates  which  has  had  years  of 
experience  bawling  out  respectable  sitsons  who 
has  got  the  misfortune  to  own  automobiles, 
Mawruss,  and  what  such  a  feller  wouldn't  do  to 

68 


PUNISHMENTS  FOR  THE  KAISER 

humilitate  the  Kaiser,  y 'understand,  ain't  even 
dreamt  of  in  German  prison  camps  yet." 

"I  see  you  still  feel  sore  about  getting  fined 
twenty-five  dollars  for  driving  like  a  maniac 
down  at  Far  Rockaway  last  summer  Abe,'* 
Morris  commented. 

"How  I  feel  or  how  I  don't  feel  hain't  got  noth 
ing  to  do  with  it,  Mawruss,"  Abe  retorted.  "And 
furthermore,  Mawruss,  any  motor-cycle  police 
man  which  has  got  the  nerve  to  swear  that  he 
could  tell  inside  of  two  miles  an  hour  how  fast 
somebody  is  driving,  understand  me,  is  guilty 
of  perjury  on  the  face  of  it,  which  I  told  the 
judge.  'Judge,  your  Honor,'  I  says,  'I  admit  I 
was  going  fast,'  I  says,  *but — ' " 

"Excuse  me,"  Morris  interrupted,  "but  I 
thought  you  was  talking  about  how  to  punish 
the  Kasier,  ain't  it,  which,  while  I  admit  you  got 
some  pretty  good  ideas  on  the  subject,  Abe,  still  at 
the  same  time  there  is  plenty  of  ways  that  the  Kai 
ser  could  get  punished  in  America  without  going 
to  the  trouble  and  expense  of  arresting  him  first, 
Abe.  There  is  a  whole  lot  of  experiences  which 
the  American  people  pays  to  go  through  just 
once,  y'understand,  which  if  the  Kaiser  could 
be  persuaded  to  take  them  all  on,  one  after  the 
other,  Abe,  his  worst  enemies  would  got  to  pity 
him.  Supposing,  for  instance,  he  would  start  off 
with  one  of  them  electric  vibrating  face  massages, 
Abe,  and  if  he  comes  through  it  alive,  y'under 
stand,  he  would  then  be  hustled  off  to  one  of 
these  here  strong-arm  bunkopathic  physicians, 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

which  charges  five  dollars  for  the  first  visit  and 
never  has  to  quote  rates  for  the  second  or  third 
visits,  because  once  is  plenty,  y'understand." 

"But  I  thought  the  idea  was  not  to  let  anybody 
have  any  sympathy  for  the  Kaiser,  Mawruss," 
Abe  broke  in. 

"Plenty  of  fellers  I  know  goes  to  these  here 
near-doctors,"  Morris  declared,  "and  nobody 
has  got  any  sympathy  for  them,  neither.  Also, 
Abe,  I  'ain't  got  no  sympathy  for  anybody  who 
goes  to  these  here  restaurants  where  they  run  off  a 
cabarattel  review,  Abe,  and  yet  it's  a  terrible 
punishment  at  that,  so  there's  another  tip  for 
you  if  you  want  any  more  ideas  for  making  the 
Kaiser  suffer." 

"Say,  when  it  comes  right  down  to  it,  Mawruss, 
and  if  you  don't  want  to  show  the  feller  no  mercy 
at  all,  y'understand,"  Abe  said,  "what's  the  matter 
with  making  him  see  some  of  them  war  plays 
they  was  putting  on  in  New  York  last  winter?" 

"Why  only  war  plays?"  Morris  asked.  "I  sat 
through  a  couple  musical  shows  last  winter  with 
out  the  option  of  a  fine,  y'understand,  and  it 
would  be  a  good  thing  if  the  Kaiser  could  see 
performances  like  that — just  to  make  him  realize 
that  in  losing  his  throne,  y'understand,  he  has 
no  longer  got  the  power  to  order  the  actors  shot, 
together  with  the  composer  and  the  man  that 
wrote  the  jokes." 

"But  the  biggest  punishment  of  all  you  'ain't 
even  hinted  at  yet,"  Abe  said,  "and  it's  a  punish 
ment  which  thousands  of  Americans  is  getting 

70 


PUNISHMENTS  FOR  THE  KAISER 

right  now  without  no  sympathy  from  nobody, 
which  its  name  is: 

"Form  1040.    United  States  Internal  Revenue 
Service 

INDIVIDUAL  INCOME  TAX  RETURN 

For  Net  Incomes  of  More  than  $5,000 

FOR  CALENDAR  YEAR,  1918.' 

Also,  Mawruss,  when  you  consider  what  the 
Kaiser  done,  Mawruss,  I  ask  you  is  it  too  much 
that  the  Committee  on  Fixing  Responsibility 
should  order  him  starved  to  death  or  talked  to 
death  or  any  other  slow  and  painful  death, 
because  such  a  fate  is  going  to  be  a  happy  one 
compared  with  the  thousands  of  decent,  respect 
able  American  business  men  which  is  headed 
straight  for  an  insane-asylum,  trying  to  fill  out 
"(a)  Totals  taxable  at  1918  rates  (see  instruc 
tions  page  2  under  C). 

(b)  Totals  taxable  at  1917  rates  (see  instruc 

tions,  included  in  K  (a)  page  2. 

(c)  Amount  of  stock  dividends  (column  4)  tax 

able  at  1916  rates  (enter  as  20)."; 

"Well,  after  all,  Abe,"  Morris  said,  "there's 
one  worser  punishment  you  could  hand  out  the 
Kaiser  than  filling  out  this  here  income  tax." 

"What's  that?"  Abe  inquired. 

"Paying  it,"  Morris  said. 


71 


VIII 

IT   ENTERS   ON   ITS   NO-GOLD-CASKET   PHASE 

""IK  7HEN  a  feller  gets  his  name  in  the  papers 

V  V  as  often  as  Mr.  Wilson,  Mawruss,  it  don't 
take  long  for  them  highwaymen  to  get  on  to  him," 
Abe  Potash  remarked,  shortly  after  Mr.  Wilson's 
return  to  Paris. 

"What  highwaymen?"  Morris  inquired. 

"Them  presidents  of  orphan-asylums  and 
homes,"  Abe  said,  "and  in  a  way  it  serves  Mr. 
Wilson  right,  Mawruss,  because,  instead  of  keep 
ing  it  to  himself  that  he  got  stuck  over  four  thou 
sand  dollars  for  tips  alone  while  he  was  in  France, 
y 'understand,  as  soon  as  he  arrived  in  Boston 
he  goes  to  work  and  blabs  the  whole  thing  to 
newspaper  reporters,  and  you  could  take  it  from 
me,  Mawruss,  that  for  the  next  six  months  Mr. 
Wilson  would  be  flooded  with  letters  from  Asso 
ciations  for  the  Relief  of  Indignant  Armenians, 
Homes  for  Chronic  Freemasons,  and  who  knows 
what  else.  So  therefore  you  take  this  here 
Carter  H.  Glass,  Mawruss,  and  he  naturally  comes 
to  the  conclusion  that  Mr.  Wilson  is  an  easy 
mark,  because — 

"Excuse  me,  Abe/'  Morris  interrupted,  coldly, 

72 


IT  ENTERS  ON  ITS  NO-GOLD-CASKET  PHASE 

"but  who  do  you  think  this  here  Carter  H.  Glass 
is,  anyway?" 

"I  don't  know,"  Abe  went  on,  "but  whoever 
he  is  he  probably  figured  that  if  he  was  going 
to  get  turned  down  he  would  anyhow  get  turned 
down  big,  because  it  says  here  in  the  paper  that  he 
cables  Mr.  Wilson  he  should  please  let  him  have 
three  million  dollars  for  this  here  Bureau  for  Pay 
ing  Allowances  to  the  Relations  of  Soldiers  and — 

"Listen,  Abe,"  Morris  said,  "if  you  wouldn't 
know  who  Carter  H.  Glass  is  after  paying  twelve 
per  cent,  on  all  you  made  over  four  thousand 
dollars  last  year,  y'understand,  nothing  that  I 
could  say  would  ever  learn  you,  so  therefore  I 
'ain't  got  no  expectations  that  you  are  going  to 
remember  it  when  I  tell  you  that  this  here  Carter 
H.  Glass  is  Secretary  of  the  Treasurer,  and  when 
he  cabled  Mr.  Wilson  for  three  million  dollars, 
it  ain't  so  hopeless  like  it  sounds.  Also,  Abe, 
while  Mr.  Wilson  gives  it  out  to  the  papers  that 
he  got  stung  four  thousand  dollars  for  tips,  it  also 
appears  in  the  papers  that  he  came  home  with  a 
few  gold  caskets  and  things,  not  to  mention  one 
piece  of  tapestry  which  the  French  government 
presented  him  with,  valued  at  two  hundred  thou 
sand  dollars  alone,  y'understand,  and  if  that  kind 
of  publicity  is  going  to  give  Mr.  Wilson  a  reputa 
tion  as  an  easy  giver-up,  Abe,  all  I  can  say  is 
that  the  collectors  for  orphan-asylums  and  homes 
don't  read  the  papers  no  more  carefully  than  you 
do,  Abe." 

"But  why  should  the  Secretary  of  the  United 

73 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

States  Treasury  got  to  touch  Mr.  Wilson  for?" 
Abe  demanded.  "Every  day  the  people  of  the 
United  States  is  paying  into  the  United  States 
Treasury  millions  and  millions  dollars  income-tax 
money  and  all  the  President  owns  is  a  few  gold 
caskets  which  he  got  presented  with,  and  maybe 
a  little  tapestry,  y'understand.  What's  the  mat 
ter  with  that  feller  Carter  H.  Glass?  Is  he  afraid 
he  is  going  to  run  short  if  he  spends  a  couple 
million  dollars  or  so?  Has  he  lost  his  nerve  or 
something?" 

"  Well,  I'll  tell  you,  Abe,"  Morris  began.  "The 
Secretary  of  the  Treasury  'ain't  got  such  a  cinch 
like  some  people  think,  y'understand.  If  the 
Bureau  for  Paying  Allowances  to  the  Relations 
of  Soldiers  send  over  and  asks  the  Secretary  of 
the  Treasury  to  be  so  good  and  let  'em  have  for  a 
few  days  three  million  dollars,  understand  me, 
you  would  naturally  think  that  it  is  one  of  them 
dead  open-and-shut,  why-certainly  propositions. 
The  impression  you  have  is  that  the  Secretary 
grabs  ahold  of  the  'phone  and  says  to  the  head  of 
stock  to  look  on  the  third  shelf  from  the  elevator 
shaft  is  there  any  more  of  them  million-dollar 
bills  with  the  picture  of  Rutherford  B.  Hayes  on 
'em  left,  and  if  not,  to  send  Jake  up  with  three 
hundred  of  them  three-by-seven-inch  ten-thou 
sand-dollar  bills,  and  that's  all  there  is  to  it. 
But  as  a  matter  of  fact  he  doesn't  do  nothing  of 
the  kind,  because  nobody  could  get  any  money 
out  of  the  Secretary  of  the  Treasury  except  by 
an  act  of  Congress." 

74 


IT  ENTERS  ON  ITS  NO-GOLD-CASKET  PHASE 

"Well,  it's  nothing  against  Mr.  Glass  that  he  is 
such  a  tight-wad,  Mawruss,  because  that's  the 
kind  of  man  to  have  as  Secretary  of  the  Treasurer, 
Mawruss,  which  supposing  they  had  one  of  them 
easy-come,  easy-go  fellers  for  Secretary  of  the 
Treasurer,  Mawruss — somebody  who  would  fall 
for  every  hard-luck  story  he  hears,  y'understand, 
and  how  long  is  it  going  to  be  before  the  police 
is  asking  him  what  did  he  done  with  it  all?"  Abe 
said.  "So,  for  my  part,  Mawruss,  they  could 
abuse  Mr.  Glass  all  they  want  to,  y'understand, 
but  I  would  be  just  as  well  satisfied,  so  far  as  my 
income  taxes  is  concerned,  if  the  only  way  you 
could  get  money  out  of  him  was  by  a  miracle 
instead  of  an  act  of  Congress.  Am  I  right  or 
wrong?" 

"Do  me  the  favor,  Abe,"  Morris  said,  "and 
don't  talk  a  lot  of  nonsense  about  a  subject  about 
which  you  don't  know  nothing  about,  because 
when  I  say  that  nobody  could  get  money  out  of 
Carter  H.  Glass  except  by  an  act  of  Congress, 
y'understand,  I  ain't  talking  poetical  in  a  manner 
of  speaking.  They  must  actually  got  to  got 
and  act  of  Congress  before  anybody  could  get 
any  money  out  of  the  Secretary  of  the  Treasury, 
no  matter  if  Mr.  Glass  would  be  the  most  generous 
feller  in  existence,  which,  for  all  I  know,  he  might 
be.  So,  therefore,  Abe,  when  Congress  adjourned 
without  passing  the  acts  which  was  necessary  in 
order  that  the  Secretary  of  the  Treasury  should 
pay  the  railroads  seven  hundred  and  fifty  million 
dollars  to  keep  'em  going,  y'understand,  not  to 

75 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

mention  such  chicken-feed  like  three  million  dol 
lars  for  this  here  Soldiers'  Relations  Bureau  and 
the  like,  it  leaves  the  country  practically  broke 
with  seven  or  eight  billion  dollars  in  the  bank. 
Now  do  you  understand  what  I  am  driving  into?" 

"I  think  I  do,"  Abe  said,  "but  explain  it  to  me 
just  as  if  I  didn't,  because  what  is  a  mystery  to 
me  is,  why  did  Congress  adjourn  without  passing 
them  acts,  Mawruss?" 

"They  did  it  to  put  Mr.  Wilson  in  bad  on 
account  he  went  to  Europe  without  calling  an 
extra  session,"  Morris  said. 

"I  thought  Congress  got  paid  by  the  year 
and  not  by  the  session,"  Abe  remarked. 
,  "So  they  do,"  Morris  continued,  "but  they 
said  they  wanted  to  stay  in  session  while  Mr. 
Wilson  was  in  Europe  to  help  him,  and  Mr.  Wilson 
thought  they  wanted  to  stay  in  session  while  he 
was  in  Europe  to  knock  him,  and  he  said :  *  Watch ! 
I'll  fix  them  fellers,'  and  they  said:  *  Watch!  We'll 
fix  that  feller.'  And  between  the  two  of  them, 
the  railroads  is  left  dry  and  high,  the  Wrar  Risks 
Bureau  claims  that  they  could  only  keep  going 
for  a  week  or  so,  the  Soldiers'  Relations  people 
is  sending  out  JOS  signals,  and  that's  the  way 
it  goes." 

"And  who  do  you  think  is  right,  Mawruss?" 
Abe  asked.  "Mr.  Wilson  or  Congress?" 

"Well,  I  ain't  exactly  prepared  to  say,  y'under- 
stand,"  Morris  replied,  "but  it's  a  question  in  my 
mind  whether  or  not  there  ain't  just  so  much  need 
for  a  Peace  Conference  in  Washington  as  there 

76 


IT  ENTERS  ON  ITS  NO-GOLD-CASKET  PHASE 

is  in  Paris,  and  if  so,  Abe,  whether  Mr.  Wilson 
ain't  at  the  wrong  Peace  Conference." 

"So  far  as  that  goes,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said, 
"he  might  just  so  well  be  in  Washington  as  in 
Paris,  because  the  tapestry  and  gold-casket  period 
of  this  here  Conference  is  already  a  thing  of  the 
past,  which  I  see  that  Mr.  Wilson  ain't  even 
staying  with  the  Murats  no  longer." 

"Naturally,"  Morris  said,  "after  the  way  this 
here  Murat  went  around  talking  about  the  League 
of  Nations." 

"Why,  I  thought  he  was  in  favor  of  it!"  Abe 
said. 

"He  was  in  favor  of  it,"  Morris  said,  "up  to 
the  time  Mr.  Wilson  and  Lord  George  had  the 
conference  with  the  Jugo-Slobs  where  they  laid 
out  the  frontiers  by  making  the  ink-bottle  represent 
Bessarabia  and  the  mucilage-bottle  Macedonia. 
When  Murat  saw  the  library  carpet  the  next 
morning,  he  began  to  say  that,  after  all,  why 
shouldn't  France  control  her  own  foreign  policy." 

"I  don't  blame  him,"  Abe  commented. 

"Later  on  the  Polish  National  Committee 
called  on  Mr.  Wilson  and  was  shown  into  the 
parlor  before  the  butler  had  a  chance  to  put 
the  slip  covers  on  the  furniture,"  Morris  con 
tinued,  "and  that  very  evening  Murat  went 
around  saying  that  if  France  was  going  to  have 
to  police  the  corridor  through  West  Prussia  to 
Dantzig,  he  was  against  articles  fourteen  to 
twenty,  both  inclusive,  of  the  League  constitu 
tion,  and  where  could  he  find  a  good  dry-cleaner." 

7  77 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

"That  don't  surprise  me,  neither,"  Abe  re 
marked. 

"But  it  wasn't  till  the  President's  body-guard 
of  secret-service  men  had  an  all-night  stud-poker 
session  in  the  yellow  guest-room  that  he  actually 
made  speeches  against  the  League  of  Nations," 
Morris  went  on,  "and  at  that,  the  room  will  never 
look  the  same  again." 

"I  wonder  if  there  ain't  some  kind  of  property- 
damage  insurance  that  he  could  have  took  out 
against  a  thing  happening  like  that?"  Abe  specu 
lated. 

"I  don't  know,'*  Morris  said,  "but  if  there  is, 
you  can  bet  your  life  that  this  here  Mrs.  Bis- 
choffsheim,  where  the  President  is  staying  now, 
has  got  it." 

"And  she  is  going  to  need  it,  Mawruss,"  Abe 
said,  "because  what  the  best  home-trained  men 
do  with  cigarettes  and  fountain-pens,  when  their 
minds  are  occupied  with  business  matters,  ain't 
calculated  to  improve  the  appearance  of  a  bar 
room,  neither." 

"Say!"  Morris  commented.  "The  President 
oser  cares  what  his  address  is  in  Paris,  but  I'll 
bet  you  he  is  doing  a  lot  of  thinking  as  to  what 
it  is  going  to  be  in  Washington  after  March  4, 
1921." 

"It  ain't  a  question  of  who  is  going  to  move  out 
of  the  White  House,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said.  "What 
people  in  America  is  wondering  is,  Who  is  going 
to  move  in,  which  right  now  there  is  a  couple  of 
generals,  five  or  six  Senators,  and  a  banker  or  so 

78 


IT  ENTERS  ON  ITS  NO-GOLD-CASKET  PHASE 

which  is  figuring  on  not  renewing  the  leases  of 
their  apartments  beyond  March  3,  1921,  in  case 
they  should  be  obliged  to  go  to  Washington  for 
four  years,  or  maybe  eight." 

"Lots  of  things  can  happen  before  the  next 
presidential  election,"  Morris  said. 

"That's  what  these  Senators  and  generals 
thinks,"  Abe  agreed,  "and  in  the  mean  time, 
Mawruss,  nobody  has  got  to  press  them  a  whole 
lot  to  speak  at  dinners  and  conventions,  which 
I  see  that  a  general  made  a  speech  at  a  meeting 
in  memory  of  Grover  Cleveland  the  other  day 
where  he  didn't  refer  once  to  Mr.  Wilson,  but 
said  that  Mr.  Cleveland  wasn't  an  expert  at 
verbal  messages  and  believed  in  the  Monroe 
Doctrine." 

"Well,  suppose  the  general  did  say  that," 
Morris  said.  "  What  of  it?" 

"Nothing  of  it,"  Abe  replied;  "but  on  the 
other  hand,  if  this  here  general  had  gone  a  bit 
farther,  understand  me,  and  said  that  Grover 
Cleveland  never  refused  to  meet  Judge  Cohalan 
at  the  Metropolitan  Opera  House  and  as  a  general 
rule  didn't  act  cold  toward  a  Sinn  Fein  committee, 
Mawruss,  you  would  got  to  admit  that  such 
remarks  is  anyhow  suspicious,  ain't  it?" 

"All  it  is  suspicious  of  to  me,  Abe,"  Morris 
said,  "is  that  if  such  a  general  has  got  ambitions 
to  be  President,  y 'understand,  he  ain't  going  the 
right  way  about  it,  because  fashions  in  opinions 
changes  like  fashions  in  garments,  Abe.  At  this 
day  and  date  nobody  could  tell  no  more  about 

79 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

what  the  people  of  the  United  States  is  going 
to  think  in  the  fall  of  1920  as  what  they  are  going 
to  wear  in  the  fall  of  1920,  which  it  would  of 
been  a  whole  lot  better  for  the  general's  prospects 
if  he  would  of  said  that  Grover  Cleveland  was 
just  as  expert  at  verbal  messages  as  another  great 
American  and  believed  just  as  strongly  in  a 
League  of  Nations.  In  fact,  Abe,  if  there  was, 
Heaven  forbid,  a  chance  of  me  being  nominated 
for  President  in  1920,  I  wrould  lay  pipes  for  claim 
ing  that  it  was  me  that  suggested  the  whole  idea 
of  the  League  of  Nations  to  President  Wilson 
in  the  first  place.  Am  I  right  or  wrong?" 

"You're  right  about  the  Heaven  forbid  part, 
anyway,"  Abe  commented. 

"Because,"  Morris  continued,  as  though  he  had 
not  heard  the  interruption,  "what  between  the 
people  who  are  willing  to  take  President  Wilson's 
word  for  it  and  the  people  who  ain't  willing  to 
take  a  United  States  Senator's  word  for  anything, 
y'understand,  this  here  League  of  Nations  looks 
like  a  pretty  safe  proposition  for  any  politician 
to  tie  up  to,  and  it  wouldn't  surprise  me  in  the 
least  if  even  some  of  them  Senators  which  signed 
the  round  robin  would  be  claiming  just  before  the 
1920  National  Conventions  that  they  was  never 
what  you  might  call  actually  against  a  League 
of  Nations  except,  as  one  might  say,  in  a  manner 
of  speaking,  if  you  know  what  I  mean.  Also, 
Abe,  these  here  Senators  which  is  now  acting 
like  they  would  have  sworn  a  solemn  oath,  in 

addition  to  the  usual  amount  of  swearing  about 

80 


IT  ENTERS  ON  ITS  NO-GOLD-CASKET  PHASE 

such  things,  that  they  would  never  ratify  this  here 
League  of  Nations,  y'understand,  are  already 
beginning  to  say  that  they  wouldn't  ratify  it 
anyhow  in  its  present  form,  understand  me,  and 
before  they  got  through,  Abe,  you  could  take  it 
from  me,  that  when  it  finally  comes  up  for  rati 
fication  them  same  Senators  is  going  to  go  over 
it  again  carefully  and  find  that  it  has  been  amended 
by  inserting  two  commas  in  Article  two  and  a 
semicolon  in  Article  twenty-five,  and  a  glad  shout 
of  'Oh,  well,  this  is  something  else  again!'  will  go 
up,  understand  me,  and  after  they  vote  to  unan 
imously  ratify  it  they  will  be  telling  each  other 
that  all  you  have  to  do  is  to  make  a  firm  stand 
against  Mr.  Wilson  and  he  will  back  right  down." 

"The  way  it  looks  to  me,  Mawruss,"  Abe 
commented,  "the  back-down  is  on  the  other  foot." 

"It's  fifty-fifty,  Abe,  because,  when  the  Presi 
dent  gets  his  back  up,  the  Senate  starts  to  back 
down,"  Morris  concluded,  "and  vice  versa." 


IX 

WORRYING    SHOULD    BEGIN   AT   HOME,   AIN*T    IT? 

"  T  SEE  where  the  Italian  delegates  to  the  Peace 
A  Conference  says  that  if  Italy  don't  get 
Fiume,  Mawruss,  there  would  be  a  revolution 
in  Italy,"  Abe  Potash  remarked  to  his  partner, 
Morris  Perlmutter. 

"Any  excuse  is  better  than  none,"  Morris  Perl- 
mutter  commented,  "which  it  is  very  clear  to  me, 
Abe,  that  with  the  example  of  Poland  in  front 
of  them,  the  Italians  being  also  a  musical  people 
and  seeing  that  Poland  has  got  it  a  first-class 
A-number-one  pianist  like  Paderewski  for  a  Presi 
dent,  y'understand,  they  are  taking  the  oppor 
tunity  of  Fiume  to  put  in  Caruso  or  Scotti  or  one 
of  them  fellers  as  President." 

"They  would  got  to  offer  their  Presidents  an 
awful  big  salary  if  they  expect  to  compete  with 
the  Metropolitan  Opera  House,  Mawruss,"  Abe 
said. 

"If  Poland  could  do  it,  Abe,  why  couldn't 
Italy?"  Morris  said.  "Which  Paderewski  didn't 
have  to  tune  pianos  on  the  side  to  make  a  living 
over  here,  neither,  Abe,  and,  besides,  Abe,  if  they 
would  let  Caruso  have  a  free  hand  in  the  forma 
tion  of  his  Cabinet,  he  would  probably  get  a  good 


WORRYING  SHOULD  BEGIN  AT  HOME 

barytone  for  Secretary  of  State,  a  basso  for 
Secretary  of  Commerce  and  Labor,  De  Luca  for 
Secretary  of  the  Treasury,  Martinelli  for  Secretary 
of  War,  and  draw  on  the  Chicago  Opera  Company 
for  Secretaries  of  the  Navy,  the  Interior,  and 
Agriculture.  After  that,  Abe,  all  the  Italian 
government  would  got  to  do  would  be  to  move 
the  capital  to  Milan  and  hold  dpen  sessions  of  the 
Cabinet  at  the  Scala  with  a  full  orchestra,  and 
they  could  take  in  from  ten  to  twenty  thousand 
dollars  at  the  door,  daily,  in  particular  if  they  was 
to  advertise  that  Caruso  would  positively  appear 
at  every  session  of  the  Cabinet,  y'understand." 

"But,  joking  to  one  side,  Mawruss,"  Abe  de 
clared,  "while  personally  I  got  to  admit  that  up 
to  a  short  time  ago,  for  all  I  knew  about  Fiume, 
y'understand,  if  somebody  would  of  said  to  me 
suddenly,  *  Fiume,'  I  would  have  said,  'Fiume 
yourself,  you  dirty  loafer!'  and  the  chances  is  there 
would  have  been  a  fight  then  and  there,  under 
stand  me.  Still,  I  couldn't  help  thinking  that  as 
between  old  friends  like  the  Italians  and  perfect 
strangers  like  the  Jugo-Slobs,  y'understand,  Italy 
should  ought  to  have  Fiume  and  anything  else 
she  wants  within  reason  and  even  a  couple  of 
places  not  within  reason,  if  she  wants  them  that 
bad." 

"In  deciding  these  things,  Abe,"  Morris  said, 
"Mr.  Wilson  couldn't  consider  prejudice." 

"No?"  Abe  retorted.  "Well,  could  he  consider 
who  discovered  America?  A  Jugo-Slob,  I  sup 
pose,  what?  But  never  mind  going  so  far  back  as 

83 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

Christopher  Columbus,  Mawruss.  Take  our  best 
workmen  right  in  our  own  shop,  Mawruss — them 
Tonics  and  them  Roccos  with  all  the  time  a 
pleasant  smile  no  matter  how  hard  we  work  them, 
and  what  are  they?  Jugo-Slobs  or  Italians?  Take  it 
in  the  city  of  New  York  alone,  and  do  we  get  there 
half  a  million  Jugo-Slobs  or  half  a  million  Italians? 
I  am  asking  you?  Also,  Mawruss,  I  suppose  the 
American  people  is  crazy  to  see  Jugo-Slob  opera, 
with  wonderful  Jugo-Slob  singers  and  composed 
by  Jugo-Slob  composers,  ain't  it?  Furthermore, 
Mawruss,  when  you  want  to  give  your  wife  a 
treat,  you  take  her  out  and  blow  her  to  a  good 
Jugo-Slob  table  d'hote,  one  dollar  and  a  half 
including  wine — what?" 

"Listen,  Abe,"  Morris  protested,  "I  didn't  say 
a  word  that  Italy  shouldn't  have  Fiume." 

"I  know  you  didn't,"  Abe  said,  "but  there's  a 
whole  lot  of  people  which  does,  Mawruss,  and 
how  'they  expect  to  use  it  for  an  argument  to 
get  the  millions  of  Italians  in  America  to  sub 
scribe  to  the  next  Victory  Loan,  Mawruss,  may 
be  perfectly  clear  to  them,  Mawruss,  but  I  couldn't 
see  it  and  I  doubt  if  them  millions  of  Italians 
will  be  able  to  see  it,  neither.'* 

"Probably  you  ain't  wrong  exactly,"  Morris 
said,  "but  whichever  way  Mr.  Wilson  thinks 
is  the  best  for  the  good  of  Europe,  Abe,  that's 
the  way  he  would  decide  it  about  Fiume." 

"Well,  I'll  tell  you,  Mawruss,"  Abe  observed, 
"while  I  consider  that  Europe,  excepting  the 

coffee  they  give  you  for  breakfast,  is  a  high-grade 

84 


WORRYING  SHOULD  BEGIN  AT  HOME 

continent,  taking  it  by  and  large,  still  at  the  same 
time  I  ain't  so  fanatical  about  it  that  if  I  would 
be  President  Wilson,  I  wouldn't  once  in  a  while 
give  America  a  look-in  also.  Furthermore,  Maw- 
russ,  admitting  that  Mr.  Wilson  is  acting  wonder 
ful  in  the  way  he  is  unselfish  about  America, 
y'understand,  and  that  he  would  probably  go 
down  in  history  as  a  great  and  good  man,  y'under 
stand,  he  should  ought  to  watch  out  that  he  don't 
act  too  unselfish  about  America,  Mawruss,  other 
wise  he  would  be  going  down  as  a  great  and  good 
man  in  French  and  English  history  and  not  in 
American  history." 

"There  is  even  some  people  which  figures  that 
he  would  be  a  great  man  in  the  history  of  the 
world  even,'*  Morris  interrupted. 

"Sure,  I  know,"  Abe  said,  "and  that's  the 
trouble  with  a  whole  lot  of  people  these  days, 
Mawruss.  They  are  figuring  on  world  proposi 
tions,  and  what  goes  on  in  the  next  block  don't 
interest  them  at  all.  Worrying  should  begin  at 
home,  Mawruss,  whereas  with  them  world  thinkers 
they  couldn't  get  really  and  truly  anxious  about 
the  way  things  is  going  anywheres  nearer  to  the 
Woolworth  Building  than  the  Nevski  Prospekt. 
'Ain't  you  ashamed  of  yourselves  to  be  kicking 
about  not  having  a  job,'  they  says  to  the  returning 
American  soldiers,  'when  thousands  of  muzhiks 
in  Ukrania  is  idle.'  And  they  go  to  work  and 
collect  dollar  after  dollar  for  milk  to  feed  Czecho 
slovak  babies,  with  sixty  cents  after  sixty  cents 
overhead  on  the  collection,  y'understand,  while 

85 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

right  here  in  New  York  City  families  with  an 
income  of  eighteen  dollars  a  week  has  got  to  pay 
twenty  cents  a  quart  for  grade  B  milk  when  the 
milk-wagon  drivers  ain't  on  strike." 

"People  has  become  European- Americans  from 
reading  too  much  newspapers  nowadays,  Abe," 
Morris  said,  "which  in  these  times  of  one  news 
paper  trying  to  show  the  others  how  much  more 
money  it  is  spending  for  foreign  cables,  y 'under 
stand,  if  you  want  to  see  who  is  murdered  in 
your  own  town,  understand  me,  you  are  liable  to 
find  a  couple  of  lines  about  it  'most  any  part  of 
the  paper  except  in  the  first  four  pages,  and  the 
consequences  is  that  people  gets  the  impression 
from  reading  the  papers  that  a  strike  in  Berlin 
is  ever  so  much  more  important  than  a  strike  in 
Hoboken  for  the  simple  reason  that  as  the  Berlin 
strike  cost  the  newspaper  proprietor  several  hun 
dred  dollars  for  cables,  he  put  it  on  the  front 
page,  whereas  the  strike  in  Hoboken  only  cost 
him  seven  cents  car  fare  for  the  reporter  each 
way,  and  therefore  it  gets  slipped  in  on  the  eleventh 
page  with  over  it  the  head-line:  'PLAN  AMERI 
CAN  ORCHESTRA.  Chicago's  New  Philharmonic 
Is  Headed  by  Mrs.  J.  Ogden  Armour/  the  orches 
tra  story  with  the  strike  head-line  having  failed 
to  get  into  the  paper  at  all." 

"Well,  I'll  tell  you,"  Abe  said,  "people  which 
reads  the  newspapers  don't  take  the  same  amount 
of  interests  in  strikes  like  they  once  used  to  did 
before  the  United  States  government  organized 
them  Conciliation  and  Arbitration  Boards,  which 

86 


WORRYING  SHOULD  BEGIN  AT  HOME 

nowadays  strikes  is  long,  dull  affairs  consisting 
of  the  first  strike,  the  arbitration,  the  decision, 
the  second  strike,  the  arbitration,  the  decision, 
the  third  strike,  and  so  on  for  several  months, 
because  that's  the  trouble  with  arbitration, 
Mawruss:  everybody  is  willing  to  arbitrate  and 
nobody  is  willing  to  be  decided  against." 

"Also  strikes  is  becoming  too  common,  Abe,'* 
Morris  said.  "Everybody  is  going  on  strike 
nowadays,  from  milk-wagon  drivers  to  the  United 
States  Senate,  and  although  the  last  strike  only 
begun  as  a  strike  and  ended  up  as  a  lock-out, 
y 'understand,  still  the  example  wasn't  good  to 
the  country,  which  if  the  strike  fever  is  going 
to  spread  as  high  up  as  the  United  States  Senate, 
Abe,  where  is  it  going  to  stop?  The  first  thing 
you  know,  the  members  of  the  Metropolitan  Club 
will  be  going  on  strike  for  a  minimum  of  six 
hundred  sturgeon  eggs  in  a  ten-dollar  portion  of 
fresh  Astrakhan  caviar,  and  the  Amalgamated 
Bank  Presidents  of  America,  New  York  Local 
No.  1,  will  be  walking  out  in  a  body  for  a  mini 
mum  wage  of  fifty  thousand  dollars  a  year,  with 
a  maximum  working  year  of  four  months." 

"But  even  when  strikes  had  no  foreign  competi 
tion  in  the  newspapers,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said, 
"the  interest  in  them  soon  died  out,  which  very 
few  people  outside  the  parties  concerned  ever 
finds  out  when  a  strike  ends  or  who  wins,  and  you 
might  even  say  gives  a  nickel  one  way  or  the  other, 
Mawruss." 

"It  ain't  only  strikes  which  affects  people  like 

87 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

that,  Abe,"  Morris  commented.  "Long-drawn- 
out  murder  trials  and  graft  investigations  also  suf 
fers  that  way,  which  I  bet  yer  the  American  news 
paper-reading  people  will  soon  get  on  to  the  fact 
that  the  newspapers  is  playing  up  to  their  cable 
tolls,  y'understand,  and  everybody  will  be  start 
ing  in  to  read  the  paper  at  the  fourth  or  fifth 
page.'' 

"Still,  I  think  that  considerable  interest  was 
revived  in  the  League  of  Nations  and  the  Peace 
Conference  by  the  argument  that  Senator  Lodge 
put  up  last  wreek  in  Lowell,  Massachusetts,"  Abe 
said. 

"It  wasn't  in  Lowell,  but  with  Lowell,"  Morris 
corrected. 

"In  or  with,"  Abe  said,  "it  caused  a  whole  lot 
of  comment  in  the  newspapers,  and  the  people 
which  bought  the  next  morning  them  papers 
that  printed  the  whole  affair  in  full,  Mawruss, 
skipped  as  much  as  two  or  three  pages  about  it." 

"Well,  they  didn't  miss  much,  Abe,"  Morris 
said,  "because  it  didn't  come  up  to  the  adver 
tisement." 

"What  do  you  mean — the  advertisement?"  Abe 
inquired. 

"Why,  for  days  already,  the  newspapers  come 
out  with  a  notice  that  Senator  Lodge  would  argue 
with  this  here  Lowell,  which  he  is  a  college  president 
and  not  a  town,  Abe,  the  argument  to  take  place 
in  a  big  hall  in  Boston,  and  the  application  for 
tickets  was  something  tremendous,  Abe,  because 
you  know  how  arguments  about  the  League  of 

88 


WORRYING  SHOULD  BEGIN  AT  HOME 

Nations  is,  Abe.  Sometimes  the  parties  only  use 
language  and  sometimes  the  smaller  one  of  the 
two  goes  to  a  hospital,  understand  me.  But, 
however,  in  this  case  it  must  be  that  the  friends 
of  Senator  Lodge  must  have  went  to  him  and 
said:  'What  do  you  want  to  get  into  an  argu 
ment  with  Lowell  for?  Treat  him  with  con 
tempt.  What  do  you  care  what  he  says  about  you? 
You  are  dock  a  United  States  Senator,  ain't  it?' 
And  the  friends  of  this  here  Lowell  also  must 
have  went  to  him  and  said:  *  Listen,  Lowell, 
don't  make  a  show  of  yourself.  If  Lodge  wants 
to  behave  himself  that  way,  all  right;  he's  only 
a  United  States  Senator,  but  you  are  anyhow 
president  of  Harvard  College,  and  you  can't 
afford  to  act  that  way.'  'Act  what  way?'  Lowell 
probably  said.  'Do  you  think  I  am  going  to 
sit  down  and  let  him  walk  all  over  Wilson,  which 
Wilson  and  me  was  presidents  of  colleges  together 
for  years  already? ' ' 

"And  besides  a  college  president  don't  make 
such  big  money  that  he  could  afford  to  sneeze 
at  his  share  of  the  gate  receipts,  neither,"  Abe 
commented. 

"Be  that  as  it  may,"  Morris  said,  "they  prob 
ably  figured  that  it  was  too  late  to  call  the  thing 
off,  but  their  friends  must  have  got  them  together 
and  talked  Lodge  over  into  behaving  like  a  gentle 
man,  because  he  practically  agreed  to  everything 
that  Lowell  said  and,  so  to  speak,  'threw'  the 
whole  debate  right  at  the  outset,  which,  reading 
the  reports  in  the  newspapers  next  morning,  Abe, 

89 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

it  is  a  wonder  to  me  that  the  referee  or  the  umpire 
didn't  stop  it  before  it  had  gone  the  first  five 
minutes,  even." 

"Well,  if  people  is  foolish  enough  to  bet  on 
such  things,  Mawruss,"  Abe  commented,  "they 
deserve  to  lose,  ain't  it?*' 

"So  the  consequences  is  that  some  people  is 
now  saying  that  Senator  Lodge  backed  down  be 
cause  he  didn't  have  a  leg  to  stand  on,"  Morris 
continued,  "while  them  people  which  probably 
made  a  little  easy  money  on  Lowell  is  saying, 
'Yow!  backed  down!'  and  that  Lowell  is  a 
crackerjack,  A-number-one  arguer,  and  won  the 
argument  on  his  merits,  y 'understand." 

"The  whole  thing  should  ought  to  be  investi 
gated  by  the  Massachusetts  Boxing  Commission 
in  order  to  see  that  them  kind  of  disgraceful 
exhibitions  shouldn't  occur  again,"  Abe  said, 
"otherwise  this  here  James  Butler  which  is  presi 
dent  of  Columbia  College  will  fix  up  an  argument 
with  another  United  States  Senator,  and  who 
ever  is  now  president  of  Princeton  College  will 
arrange  a  frame-up  with  a  Governor  of  a  state  or 
somebody,  and  the  first  thing  you  know,  Mawruss, 
college  presidents  will  be  getting  such  a  reputation 
as  public  speakers  that  the  next  Republican  Na 
tional  Convention  will  be  again  unloading  a  college 
president  on  us  as  President  of  the  United  States." 

"Say,"  Morris  protested,  "if  all  college  presi 
dents  would  make  as  good  a  President  as  Mr. 
Wilson  done,  Abe,  I  am  content  that  we  should 
have  such  a  president  for  President." 

90 


WORRYING  SHOULD  BEGIN  AT  HOME 

"President  Wilson  done  all  right,  Mawruss," 
Abe  declared.  "He  done  a  whole  lot  to  add  a 
touch  of  refinement  to  what  otherwise  would 
of  been  a  very  rough  war,  understand  me.  He's 
got  the  respect  and  admiration  of  the  whole  world, 
Mawruss,  and  I  ain't  going  to  say  but  neither, 
but  would  say  however.  Mawruss,  for  the  next 
ten  years  or  so  the  United  States  of  America  ain't 
going  to  be  as  quiet  as  a  college  exactly.  Maybe 
the  presidents  of  colleges  will  continue  to  deal 
with  college  professors  and  college  students  which 
couldn't  talk  back,  Mawruss,  but  the  next  Presi 
dent  of  the  United  States  will  have  to  stand  an 
awful  lot  of  back-talk  from  a  whole  lot  of  people 
about  taxes,  business  conditions,  railroads,  and 
so  forth,  and  instead  of  coming  right  back  with  a 
snappy  remark  originally  made  by  some  big 
Roman  philosopher  and  letting  it  go  at  that, 
Mawruss,  he  would  got  to  come  right  back  with 
a  plan  devised  by  some  big  Pittsburgh  business 
man  and  act  on  it,  too." 

"There's  something  in  what  you  say,  Abe," 
Morris  admitted. 

"So,  therefore,  if  we've  got  to  drag  a  college 
president  for  President,  Mawruss,"  Abe  con 
cluded,  "let's  hope  he  would  be  anyhow  president 
of  a  business  college." 


THE   NEW   HUNGARIAN   RHAPSODY 

''  T   SEE  where  a  feller  by  the  name  Rubin  or 

-••  Robin  or  something  like  that,  which  was 
working  as  a  traveling-salesman  for  the  Red 
Cross  in  Russia,  got  examined  by  Congress  the 
other  day,"  Abe  Potash  said  one  morning  in  March, 
"and  in  the  course  of  explaining  how  he  come  to 
spend  all  that  money  for  traveling  expenses  or 
something,  he  says  that  the  Bolsheviki  in  Russia 
is  a  very  much  misunderstood  people.'* 

"Sure,  I  know,"  Morris  said;  "it  is  always  the 
case,  Abe,  that  when  somebody  does  something 
which  could  only  be  explained  on  the  grounds 
that  he  would  sooner  be  in  jail  than  out,  he  goes 
to  work  and  claims  that  nobody  understands 
him." 

"But  Rubin  claims  that  the  reason  Bolshevism 
sprung  in  the  first  place  was  that  the  Bolsheviki 
was  tired  of  the  war,"  Abe  continued,  "whereas 
the  Allies  thought  they  were  quitters." 

"What  do  you  mean — whereas?"  Morris  asked. 

"Wait,  that  ain't  the  only  'whereas,'"  Abe 
said.  "Rubin  also  said  that  the  Allies  thinks 
the  Bolsheviki  is  a  bunch  of  organized  murderers, 
whereas  the  Allies  don't  understand  that  the  only 

92 


THE  NEW  HUNGARIAN  RHAPSODY 

people  murdered  by  them  Bolsheviki  was  the 
property-owners  which  objects  to  their  property 
being  taken,  and  that  as  a  matter  of  fact  them 
poor  Bolsheviki  are  simply  obliged  to  take  the 
property,  there  being  no  other  alternative  except 
working  for  a  living." 

"Nebichl"  Morris  exclaimed,  "and  did  he  say 
anything  else  about  them  Bolsheviki  that  we 
should  ought  to  break  our  hearts  over,  Abe?" 

"Rubin  didn't,  but  there  is  some  of  these  here 
liberal-minded  papers  which  seems  to  think  that 
what  this  here  Rubin  says  is  not  only  a  big  boost 
for  the  Bolsheviki,  but  that  it  should  ought  to  be 
a  lesson  to  us  not  to  pass  laws  in  this  country  to 
prevent  the  Bolsheviki  from  operating  over  here." 

"But  we  already  got  laws  over  here  to  take 
care  of  people  which  would  sooner  commit  mur 
der  than  work,  Abe,"  Morris  said,  "and  as  for 
being  liberal-minded  about  the  Bolsheviki,  Abe, 
I  am  content  that  after  they  are  sentenced  they 
should  have  all  the  privilege  that  the  other  con 
victs  have,  and  that's  as  far  as  I  would  go." 

"Well,  you  couldn't  claim  credit  for  being  very 
funny  that  way,  Mawruss.  You've  got  practi 
cally  all  the  unliberal-minded  people  in  the  United 
States  siding  with  you,"  Abe  declared,  "because, 
being  liberal-minded  is  a  matter  of  being  able 
to  see  only  the  unpopular  side  of  every  question. 
It  is  the  liberal-minded  people  which  thinks 
there  is  something  to  be  said  in  favor  of  the 
Germans  and  says  it,  y 'understand.  It  is  the 
liberal-minded  people  which  is  always  willing  to 

8  93 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

try  anything  that  don't  seem  reasonable  to 
practically  everybody." 

"And  I  suppose  them  liberal-minded  people 
would  even  approve  of  Germany  trying  to  get  out 
of  paying  an  indemnity  by  pulling  off  one  of  them 
street  affairs  with  shooting  which  passes  for  Bol 
shevik  revolution,"  Morris  said,  "but  the  backing 
of  such  liberal-minded  Americans  wouldn't  help 
the  Germans  none,  because  there  would  be  a  whole 
lot  of  husky  parties  in  khaki  going  into  Germany 
and  acting  in  such  an  unliberal-minded  way  that 
the  Germans  would  wish  they  would  have  paid 
the  indemnity  voluntarily  on  the  instalment  plan 
rather  as  have  it  collected  all  in  one  sum  by  levy 
and  sale  under  an  execution." 

"Well,  I'll  tell  you,"  Abe  said,  "it  is  always  the 
case  that  when  the  creditors  begin  to  scrap  among 
themselves,  y'understand,  the  fraudulent  bankrupt 
stands  a  good  chance  to  get  away  with  the  con 
cealed  assets,  ain't  it,  and  in  particular  in  this 
case  where  there  is  so  many  liberal-minded  people 
around  which  don't  want  to  be  too  hard  on  Ger 
many,  anyway" 

"I  bet  yer,"  Morris  said,  fervently;  "and  while 
this  here  Peace  Conference  is  killing  a  whole  lot 
of  time  deliberating  how  to  make  this  the  last 
war,  y'understand,  they  will  wake  up  some  fine 
morning  to  find  out  that  they  have  really  made 
it  the  last  war  but  one.  Furthermore,  Abe,  this 
next-to-the-last  war  wouldn't  be  a  marker  to  the 
war  we  are  going  to  have  in  collecting  indemnities 

from  Bolsheviki,  because  when  it  comes  to  atroc- 

M 


ities,  Abe,  a  Bolshevik  government  could  make 
the  old  German  government  look  like  the  Society 
for  the  Prevention  of  Cruelty  to  Children,  y'un- 
derstand." 

"Might  the  Peace  Conference  would  hurry  up, 
maybe,"  Abe  suggested. 

"They've  got  to  hurry  up  if  they  don't  want 
to  be  shifted  from  a  Peace  Conference  to  a  Council 
of  War,"  Morris  said.  "Look  what  has  already 
happened  in  Hungary." 

"And  yet,  Mawruss,  you  would  think  that  with 
a  nation  like  the  Hungarians,  which  is  used  to 
eating  in  Hungarian  restaurants,  y'understand, 
a  little  thing  like  starvation  wouldn't  worry  them 
at  all,"  Abe  said,  "so  therefore  I  couldn't  under 
stand  why  the  Hungarians  should  have  gone 
Bolshevik  from  want  of  food,  as  the  papers  says 
they  did." 

"My  paper  didn't  say  it,"  Morris  commented, 
"and  if  it  did,  I  wouldn't  believe  it,  anyway, 
because  the  most  you  could  claim  for  Bolshevism 
as  a  cure  for  starvation  is  that  it  keeps  the  patient 
so  busy  worrying  about  his  other  troubles  that  he 
forgets  how  hungry  he  is.  Furthermore,  Abe, 
the  way  it  looks  to  me,  this  here  Bolshevik  revolu 
tion  in  Hungary  ain't  even  what  the  Poor  Food 
Law  would  call  a  Bolshevik  Type  revolution, 
because  it  is  my  idea  that  Lenine  and  Trotzky 
could  read  the  papers  the  same  like  anybody  else. 
So,  therefore,  when  they  seen  it  that  all  the  Ameri 
can  newspaper  correspondents  was  sending  out 
word  that  the  Peace  Conference  should  ought 

95 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

to  hurry  up  its  work  because  of  the  spread  of 
Bolshevism,  y 'understand,  and  that  the  delegates 
should  ought  to  go  easy  on  Germany  because,  if 
they  didn't,  Germany  would  probably  go  Bolshe 
vik,  y'understand,  this  here  Trotzky,  which  once 
used  to  work  on  a  New  York  newspaper  but  lived 
it  down  by  changing  his  name  from  Bronstein  to 
Trotzky,  understand  me,  at  once  gets  up  a  line 
of  snappy  advertisements  headed: 

"'WHY  BOLSHEVISM?' 

to  the  effect  that  a  Revolution  a  Day  Drives 
Indemnities  Away  and  for  particulars  to  write 
to  Trotzky  &  Lenine,  Department  M,  Petrograd 
Land  Title  and  Trust  Building,  Petrograd.  And, 
of  course,  Hungary  fell  for  it." 

"So  you  think  that  this  here  Hungarian  revolu 
tion  is  a  fake?"  Abe  asked. 

"It  ain't  a  fake,  it's  a  business,"  Morris  replied, 
"which  I  bet  yer  that  right  now  Messrs.  Ebert, 
Scheidemann  &  Co.  is  writing  Trotzky  &  Lenine 
they  should  please  quote  prices  on  Bolshevist  up 
risings  as  per  Hungarian  sample,  F.O.B.  Berlin, 
and  also  that  it  wouldn't  be  only  a  matter  of  a 
few  days  when  knocking  Germany  would  be  a 
capital  offense  in  Petrograd,  upon  the  grounds 
that  the  customer  is  always  right." 

"But  I  understand  that  in  Budapest  the  work 
ing-men  is  seizing  the  factories  and  running  them 
themselves,"  Abe  said. 

"There's  always  bound  to  be  a  certain  number 

96 


THE  NEW  HUNGARIAN  RHAPSODY 

of  people  which  couldn't  take  a  job,"  Morris 
commented. 

"There's  no  joke  about  it,"  Abe  declared, 
"which  I  see  in  the  paper  this  morning  that  the 
new  Hungarian  Soviet  government  has  directed 
the  presidents  of  banks  to  put  their  business 
in  the  hands  of  the  clerks  and  that  the  landlords 
has  got  to  let  the  janitors  manage  the  apartment- 
houses." 

"The  landlords  has  got  to  do  that  in  America, 
whether  the  government  tells  'em  to  or  not,  Abe," 
Morris  said,  "and  as  for  the  bank  presidents,  Abe, 
they  might  just  as  well  go  out  and  look  for  another 
job  to-day  as  to  wait  till  next  week  when  them 
committees  of  factory-workers  will  start  in  to 
make  overdrafts  at  the  point  of  a  revolver." 

"Things  must  be  terribly  mixed  up  in  Hungary, 
according  to  the  papers,"  Abe  observed. 

"Well,  I'll  tell  you,"  Morris  said,  "in  some 
countries  a  Bolshevik  government  could  be  quite 
disturbing,  but  take  Hungarian  cooking,  for  in 
stance,  and  it  wouldn't  really  make  a  whole  lot  of 
difference  if  gulyas  or  paprika  chicken  was  cooked 
by  one  chef  or  a  committee  of  scullions,  Abe,  it 
would  be  just  so  miscellaneous  and  nobody  could 
tell  from  eating  it  what  had  been  put  into  it, 
y'understand.  Also,  Abe,  take  these  here  gipsy 
Hungarian  bands,  and  while  there  would  probably 
be  a  terrible  conglomeration  of  noises  if  a  com 
mittee  of  players  was  to  start  in  to  conduct  the 
Boston  Symphonies  or  the  New  York  Philhar 
monics,  y'understand,  a  committee  of  gipsy  mu- 

97 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

sicians  couldn't  make  a  czardas  sound  worser 
than  it  does,  no  matter  how  they  disagree  as  to  the 
way  it  should  ought  to  be  played." 

"For  that  matter,  there's  a  lot  of  things  pro 
duced  in  Germany  which  a  Soviet  government 
couldn't  spoil,  neither,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said,  "like 
music  by  this  here  Nathan  Strauss,  the  composer, 
or  Koenigsburger  Klops,  now  called  Liberty  Roast, 
which  I  see  by  last  Sunday's  paper  that  the  Kaiser 
has  been  talking  again." 

"And  what's  that  got  to  do  with  Germany 
going  Bolshevik?"  Morris  asked. 

"Nothing,  except  that  it  partially  accounts 
for  it,"  Abe  replied,  "which  a  newspaper  feller 
by  the  name  of  Begbie  called  on  the  Kaiser  in 
Holland,  and  he  says  the  Kaiser  couldn't  see  it 
at  all." 

"See  what?"  Morris  asked. 

"Why,  he  couldn't  see  what  people  is  making 
such  a  fuss  about,"  Abe  said.  "He  says  that, 
so  far  as  starting  this  here  war  is  concerned,  he 
didn't  say  nothing,  he  didn't  do  nothing,  and  all  he 
knows  about  it  is  that  he  lays  the  whole  thing 
to  the  Freemasons." 

"You  mean  the  F.  A.  M.?"  Morris  asked. 

"What  other  Freemasons  is  there?"  Abe  said. 

"  You're  sure  he  didn't  say  the  Knights  of  Pythias 
or  the  I.  O.  O.  F.,  because,  while  I  don't  belong  to 
the  Masons  myself,  Abe,  Rosie's  sister's  husband's 
brother  by  the  name  Harris  November  has  been 
a  thirty-sixth  degree  Mason  for  years  already," 
Morris  declared,  "and  I'll  swear  that  if  a  gabby 

98 


feller  like  him  would  have  known  that  the  Masons 
had  anything  to  do  with  bringing  on  the  war, 
Abe,  he  would  of  spilled  it  already  long  since 
ago." 

"Well,  of  course,  I  don't  know  nothing  about 
what  Harris  November  said  or  what  he  didn't 
say,  Mawruss,  but  that's  what  the  Kaiser  said," 
Abe  continued,  "and  he  also  had  a  good  deal  to 
say  about  Queen  Victorine  of  England  what  a 
wonderful  woman  she  was,  olav  hasholom,  and 
how  she  told  him  many  times  he  should  look  out 
for  that  low-life  of  a  son  of  hers  by  the  name 
Edwin." 

"But  I  always  thought  this  here  Edwin  was 
such  a  decent,  respectable  feller,"  Morris  inter 
rupted. 

"That's  what  everybody  else  thought,"  Abe 
went  on,  "but  the  Kaiser  says  that  many  times 
the  old  lady  says  to  him  he  shouldn't  have  nothing 
to  do  with  Edwin.  'Believe  me,'  she  said,  accord 
ing  to  the  Kaiser,  'he  wouldn't  do  you  no  good 
intellectually,  morally,  or  socially,'  and  so  for 
that  reason  the  Kaiser  wouldn't  join  the  Entente 
with  England,  France,  and  Russia." 

"Because  this  here  Edwin  was  at  the  bottom 
of  it?"  Morris  inquired. 

"That's  what  the  Kaiser  said,"  Abe  replied. 

"Maybe  he  also  caught  the  poor  Czar  selig 
eating  with  his  knife  or  something,"  Morris 
suggested. 

"That  he  didn't  say,  neither,"  Abe  answered, 
"but  he  might  just  so  well  have  said  it,  for  all  it 

99 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

would  go  down  with  me,  Mawruss,  because  we 
all  know  how  kings  sow  their  rolled  oats,  Mawruss, 
and  any  king  which  wouldn't  associate  with  any 
other  king  on  the  grounds  of  running  around  the 
streets  till  all  hours  of  the  night  or  gambling, 
y'understand,  if  that  ain't  a  case  of  a  pot  calling 
a  kettle,  I  don't  know  what  is.'* 

"And  I  suppose  he  topped  off  them  lies  by 
getting  religious,  ain't  it?"  Morris  remarked. 

"Naturally,"  Abe  said.  "And  in  particular  he 
got  very  sore  at  the  Freemasons  on  account  of 
them  being  atheists." 

"That's  the  first  tune  I  hear  that  about  the 
Freemasons,"  Morris  observed.  "I  think,  my 
self,  that  he  was  getting  them  mixed  up  with 
the  Elks." 

"The  Elks  ain't  atheists,"  Abe  said. 

"I  know  they  ain't,  but  at  the  same  time  they 
ain't  religious  fanatics  exactly,"  Morris  said, 
"which  to  a  particular  feller  like  the  Kaiser  would 
be  quite  enough,  Abe." 

"Also,  Mawruss,"  Abe  went  on,  "he  claims 
that  the  Freemasons  is  all  Bolshevists,  and  in 
fact,  from  the  way  he  carried  on  about  the  Free 
masons,  you  would  think  he  was  crazy  on  the  sub 
ject." 

"Maybe  they  once  turned  him  down  or  some 
thing,"  Morris  commented,  "which  when  I  was 
treasurer  of  Friendship  Lodge,  129,  I.  O.  M.  A., 
before  we  quit  giving  sick  benefits,  Abe,  we  turned 
down  a  feller  by  the  name  Turkeltaub  on  account 

of  varicose  veins,  and  the  way  he  went  around 

100 


THE  NEW  HUNGARIAN  RHAPSODY 

calling  us  all  kinds  of  highwaymen  you  wouldn't 
believe  at  all." 

"But  the  newspaper  feller  that  interviewed 
him  says  that  the  Kaiser  seems  to  be  in  pretty 
good  health,  Mawruss,"  Abe  declared. 

"That  don't  make  him  a  good  risk,  neither," 
Morris  retorted.  "I  suppose  the  interviewer 
didn't  say  how  his  appetite  was." 

"What's  his  appetite  got  to  do  with  it?"  Abe 
asked. 

"Because,  in  speaking  of  murderers  just  before 
they  go  to  the  chair,  Abe,"  Morris  concluded, 
"the  newspaper  always  say,  *The  condemned 
man  ate  hearty.' " 


XI 


IT  IS  STILL  UP  IN  THE  AIR,  BUT  YOU  CAN'T  SAY  THE 
SAME  FOR  TRANSATLANTIC  VOYAGES 


;<  T  AM  surprised  to  see  that  an  old-established 

•»•  and  well-settled  government  like  Mexico 
should  got  a  revolution  on  his  hands,  Mawruss," 
Abe  Potash  declared  as  he  skimmed  the  head 
lines  in  the  morning  papers. 

"What  makes  you  think  that  Mexico  is  an  old- 
established  and  well-settled  government,  Abe?" 
Morris  Perlmutter  asked. 

"Germany  and  Hungary  do,"  Abe  replied, 
"which  up  to  the  time  this  here  General  Blanquet 
lands  the  other  day  in  Mexico,  people  was  begin 
ning  to  say  that  why  couldn't  Germany  have 
one  last  revolution  and  stick  to  it  and  look  at 
Mexico  the  way  she  settled  down,  not  having  had 
a  single  revolution  to  speak  of  since  January 
fifteenth,  nineteen-nineteen." 

"Well,  I  think  the  reason  why  the  Mexicans 
'ain't  had  a  revolution  in  so  long  isn't  because 
they  didn't  want  to,  Abe,"  Morris  said,  "but 
because  it  has  taken  them  all  that  time  to  learn 
the  technical  terms.  You  see,  a  really  and  truly 
up-to-date  revolution  couldn't  be  run  off  nowa 
days,  Abe,  unless  it  is  one  of  them  Bolshevik 

102 


IT  IS  STILL  UP  IN  THE  AIR 

Type  revolutions,  and  in  order  to  get  the  right 
kind  of  newspaper  publicity  for  it  the  management 
has  got  to  know  enough  Russian  not  to  say  soviet 
when  they  mean  mir.  Also  I  bet  yer  when  it 
comes  to  a  zemstvo,  the  Mexicans  don't  know 
even  now  whether  you  dance  it  to  a  guitar  and 
cascanet  accompaniment  or  eat  it  with  garlic 
and  chili  sauce." 

"A  feller  could  make  quite  some  money  nowa 
days  from  teaching  Russian  by  mail  to  revolu 
tionary  socialists,"  Abe  commented. 

"That  ain't  necessary  in  this  country,  Abe," 
Morris  said,  "because  the  Bolshevik  government 
in  Russia  has  sent  over  here  a  feller  by  the  name 
of  Martens  to  give  a  course  in  Bolshevism  to 
American  working-men." 

"And  did  our  government  let  him  land?"  Abe 
asked. 

"Seemingly  they  did,"  Morris  replied,  "which 
is  pretty  liberal  of  our  government  when  you 
consider  that  right  now  we  got  American  soldiers 
in  Russia  which  is  fighting  Bolshevism." 

"It's  even  more  than  liberal,  it's  crazy,"  Abe 
said,  "because  while  I  believe  in  free  speech, 
y 'understand,  Bolshevik  speeches  ain't  free  by 
a  whole  lot.  Over  in  Hungary  they  became 
payable  in  thirty,  sixty,  and  ninety  days  and  the 
only  people  which  ain't  ruined  by  them  is  the 
makers  and  indorsers." 

"You  are  right  about  the  makers,  Abe,"  Morris 
commented.  "For  the  most  part  they  are  a 
bunch  of  no-account  foreigners  which  all  they 

103 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

risk  by  making  such  speeches  is  hoarseness,  y 'un 
derstand,  but  some  of  the  indorsers  of  such 
speeches  comes  from  the  best  American  families, 
and  if  the  time  ever  comes  when  there  should 
be  a  little  temporary  Bolshevik  trouble  by  for 
eigners  in  this  country  who  have  been  encouraged 
by  the  liberal  attitude  of  the  government  to 
think  that  the  worst  which  could  happen  to  them 
would  be  ten  dollars  or  ten  days,  y 'understand, 
them  indorsers  would  got  to  pay  the  same  like 
any  other  decent,  respectable  people  which  ain't 
Bolsheviks.  Take,  for  example,  in  Hungary 
and  the  protelariats  is  making  the  middle  class 
give  up  their  bath-rooms  to  the  working-people 
every  Saturday  night." 

"But  the  protelariats  in  New  York  has  all  got 
bath-rooms  in  their  tenement-houses,  Mawruss," 
Abe  protested. 

"I  know  they  have,  but  they'll  probably  figure 
that  why  should  they  trouble  themselves  to 
empty  the  coal  out  of  their  bath-tubs,  which  is 
what  them  protelariats  now  use  bath-tubs  for, 
Abe,  just  to  save  the  middle  class  the  inconvenience 
of  changing  their  bath  night  from  Saturday  to 
Friday,"  Morris  said,  "but  at  the  same  time, 
Abe,  it  don't  look  to  me  that  a  country  which 
has  got  the  modern  convenience  of  America  is 
going  to  go  Bolshevik  for  the  next  few  hundred 
years,  anyway,  because  it  is  my  idee  that  what 
makes  a  people  become  Bolsheviks  is  the  lack  of 
good  plumbing  and  savings-bank  accounts,  and 
rather  as  have  the  privacy  of  their  bath-rooms 

104 


IT  IS  STILL  UP  IN  THE  AIR 

and  their  savings-bank  accounts  invaded,  the  big 
majority  of  the  American  people  would  declare 
the  United  States  of  America  an  obsolete  monarchy 
with  Ivan  D.  Ivanovitch,  alias  John  D.  Rocka- 
feller,  Jr.,  as  the  first  Czar,  understand  me." 

"Well,  if  I  would  be  the  United  States  govern 
ment  I  wouldn't  let  a  Bolshevik  land  exactly," 
Abe  declared. 

"What  do  you  mean — you  wouldn't  let  him 
land  exactly?"  Morris  asked. 

"I  mean  what  I  say,"  Abe  said.  "I  would 
let  him  pretty  nearly  land  and  then  tip  up  the 
gang-plank.  Also,  Mawruss,  if  I  would  be  the 
United  States  government,  I  would  allow  free 
speech,  but  not  free  speakers,  y'understand,  which 
I  would  make  public  speaking  a  profession  the 
same  like  lawyers,  dentists,  or  doctors,  because 
if  nobody  could  be  a  public  speaker  without  taking 
a  four-year  course  in  public  speaking  and  then 
getting  licensed  to  practise  as  a  public  speaker 
after  passing  an  examination,  y'understand,  he 
would  think  anyhow  twice  before  he  says  some 
thing  in  public  which  would  bring  him  up  on 
charges  to  show  cause  why  he  shouldn't  have 
his  license  to  practise  as  a  public  speaker  taken 
away  from  him.  In  other  words,  Mawruss,  the 
way  I  would  prevent  Bolshevism  is  that  I  would 
make  the  sheepskin  take  the  place  of  the  soap 
box  as  a  necessary  article  for  public  speaking, 
and  incidentally  in  the  foreign  neighborhoods 
of  our  big  cities,  y'understand,  not  only  would 
soap-boxes  be  used  for  soap,  but  it  would  also 

105 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

go  a  long  way  towards  making  bath-tubs  used  for 
bathing." 

"At  the  same  time,  Abe,"  Morris  said,  "I 
couldn't  help  thinking  that  if  the  feller  who  talks 
in  public  was  given  less  to  talk  about,  y'under- 
stand,  it  would  help  a  whole  lot,  too,  which  there 
wouldn't  be  nearly  so  many  loafers  go  into  the 
Bolshevik  line  if  there  wasn't  so  many  respectable 
people  engaged  in  what  might  be  called  manu 
facturing  Bolshevik  supplies,  such  as  army  officers 
which  claims  that  nobody  has  a  right  to  kick  if  a 
soldier  gets  ten  years'  hard  labor  for  using  bad 
grammar  in  speaking  to  an  officer,  y 'understand. 
Also  there  is  a  lot  of  state  Legislatures  in  this 
country  which  has  seemingly  formed  themselves 
into  Societies  for  the  Encouragement  of  Bolshe 
vism  by  earning,  anyhow,  the  gratitude  of  canners 
and  cotton  manufacturers  who  have  got  women 
and  children  working  for  them  till  all  hours  of  the 
night,  y 'understand.  Then  again  there  is  the 
perfectly  respectable  people  which  would  like  to 
make  by  law  a  Sunday  out  of  every  week-day 
and  a  living  tomb  out  of  Sunday,  understand  me, 
and  which  would  have  nobody  but  themselves 
to  blame  if  some  day  they  would  got  to  furnish 
soap  and  towels  for  the  protelariats  in  their 
bath-rooms." 

"Well,  I'll  tell  you,"  Abe  said,  "Bolshevism 
as  a  form  of  government  is  pretty  nearly  exploded, 
Mawruss.  It  is  now  used  principally  as  a  threat 
such  as  when  Germany  says  if  the  Polaks  get 

Danzig  and  West  Prussia,  y'understand,  Germany 

100 


IT  IS  STILL  UP  IN  THE  AIR 

would  take  up  Bolshevism,  and  Paderewski  says 
if  the  Polaks  don't  get  Danzig,  Poland  would 
take  up  Bolshevism,  understand  me." 

"And  Paderewski  would  take  up  giving  piano 
lessons  to  raise  enough  money  to  get  out  of  Poland, 
Abe,"  Morris  commented,  "and  he  would  prob 
ably  have  to  do  so,  too,  as  there  ain't  much 
chance  of  his  getting  away  with  that  Danzig 
stuff.  Also,  Abe,  we  Americans  should  ought 
to  be  the  last  to  encourage  him  to  think  that  he 
will,  Abe,  because  while  I  don't  know  how  long 
it  is  since  Danzig,  Germany,  was  Danzig,  Poland, 
I  do  know  that  it  ain't  nearly  so  long  ago  as 
Galveston,  Texas,  was  Galveston,  Mexico,  y 'un 
derstand.  So,  therefore,  if  Mr.  Wilson  lets  Poland 
get  back  Danzig,  it  wouldn't  be  long  before  Mexico 
would  elect  Teresa  Carreno  or  Fanmie  Bloomfield 
Zeisler  as  President  and  claim  Galveston  with  a 
corridor  taking  in  San  Antonio  and  Houston, 
understand  me." 

"Just  the  same,  I  am  in  favor  that  Germany 
should  have  to  give  up  Danzig  even  if  Danzig 
'ain't  belonged  to  Poland  since  1492  and  the  only 
Danzig  people  now  speaking  Polish  as  a  regular 
language  is  the  interpreter  of  the  First  District 
Magistrate's  Court  for  the  "City  and  County  of 
Danzig,  y 'understand,"  Abe  declared.  "Further 
more,  I  think  this  here  Peace  Conference  is  taking 
it  too  particular  about  what  Germany  should  or 
shouldn't  give  up,  Mawruss,  which  if  the  shoe 
pinched  on  the  other  foot,  Mawruss,  and  this  here 
Peace  Conference  was  being  held  in  Berlin  or 

107 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

Vienna,  y'understand,  with  Germany,  Austria, 
Turkey,  and  Bulgaria  as  the  Big  Four,  under 
stand  me,  there  wouldn't  be  any  question  as  to 
what  Allied  territory  would  or  wouldn't  be  given 
up  by  the  Allies,  Mawruss.  If  Germany  would 
have  won  the  war,  Mawruss,  she  would  have 
taken  Calais  and  Boulogne  with  as  much  argu 
ment  over  it  as  a  golluf-player  taking  a  Scotch 
highball,  y'understand,  and  if  France  would  have 
threatened  to  go  Bolshevik  on  account  of  it, 
Germany  would  of  said,  'Don't  do  us  no  favors,' 
understand  me,  and  let  it  go  at  that.  So,  there 
fore,  if  the  people  of  Danzig  couldn't  speak  Polish, 
Mawruss,  let  'em  learn  to  do  so,  even  if  it  would 
be  necessary  for  them  to  go  to  a  nose  and  throat 
specialist  till  they  got  used  to  the  pronunciation." 

"Say,  for  my  part  I  am  willing  that  this  here 
Peace  Conference  should  do  anything  and  every 
thing,  Abe,  just  so  long  as  they  would  get  through 
with  their  work  and  I  wouldn't  have  to  listen  no 
longer  to  your  nonsense,"  Morris  declared. 

"No  nonsense  at  all,"  Abe  protested.  "The 
thing  this  here  Peace  Conference  should  ought  to 
have  done  from  the  start  was  to  consider  what 
Germany  would  have  done  under  the  circum 
stances,  put  the  reverse  English  on  it,  and  then 
let  her  whoop,  which  I  see  by  the  paper  that  they 
are  now  getting  ready  to  make  airyoplane  journeys 
across  the  Atlantic  Ocean,  Mawruss." 

"And  what's  that  got  to  do  with  this  here 
Peace  Conference?"  Morris  asked. 

"Nothing,"  Abe  said,  "except  that  I  see  Mr. 

108 


IT  IS  STILL  UP  IN  THE  AIR 

Wilson  is  writing  home  that  they  should  please 
send  over  the  George  Washington  in  case  it  should 
be  necessary  for  him  to  make  good  any  bluff  he 
might  throw  to  the  Peace  Conference  that  if  they 
don't  do  as  he  says,  he  would  leave  them  flat 
and  go  back  to  America.  So,  therefore,  if  he 
has  to  make  good  sooner  than  he  thinks,  he  could 
go  home  by  airyoplane  and  not  wait  for  the  George 
Washington" 

"I  don't  think  that  this  here  transatlantic 
airyoplane  flying  is  exactly  in  the  President-carry 
ing  class  just  yet,  Abe,"  Morris  suggested. 

"Neither  do  I,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said,  "but  the 
manufacturers  of  airyoplanes  seems  pretty  con 
fident,  Mawruss.  In  fact,  I  see  in  the  papers 
that  it  won't  be  but  a  matter  of  a  few  years  when 
the  New  York  business  man  which  has  business 
to  do  in  London,  instead  of  getting  on  the  Maure- 
tania  in  New  York  and  landing  six  days  later 
in  Liverpool,  y'understand,  would  be  able  to 
take  the  railroad  to  Halifax,  Nova  Scotia,  spend 
the  night  there  or  anyhow  only  as  many  nights 
there  as  it  would  be  necessary  before  the  steamer 
sails  for  Saint  John's,  Newfoundland,  and  then 
take  the  steamer  to  Saint  John's,  Newfoundland, 
where  there  would  be  a  passenger  airyoplane  in 
waiting  and  no  first-class  hotels,  y'understand. 
At  Saint  John's,  such  is  the  strides  airyoplane- 
manufacturing  has  made,  Mawruss,  he  would 
probably  only  have  to  stick  around  for  five  or 
six  days  till  the  airyoplane  was  in  shape  to  leave, 
understand  me,  and  in  twenty-four  hours  he 

9  109 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

would  land  at  the  Azores,  where  there  ain't  no 
hotels  at  all,  understand  me.  In  less  than  four 
days  more,  provided  the  repairs  didn't  take  longer, 
he  would  be  on  his  way  to  Lisbon,  Portugal, 
which  he  would  reach  on  the  following  day  or 
days.  There  the  same  airyoplane  or  another 
airyoplane,  in  case  the  same  airyoplane  got 
smashed  in  landing,  would  be  ready  or  approxi 
mately  ready  to  start  for  Paris,  and  might  even 
start,  you  couldn't  tell.  On  arriving  in  Paris, 
he  would  be  only  a  few  hours  by  railroad  and 
steamer  from  London,  provided  he  was  in  shape 
to  travel,  which,  when  you  consider  that  only  a 
few  years  ago  flying  was  in  its  infancy,  Mawruss, 
you've  got  to  admit  that  nobody  could  ever 
have  dreamed  that  it  was  possible  to  make  such 
a  journey." 

"Not  unless  you  ate  something  which  dis 
agreed  with  you  before  you  went  to  sleep,"  Morris 
commented,  "and  even  then,  Abe,  where  is  the 
advantage?" 

"It  ain't  the  advantage,  it's  the  novelty  of 
the  thing,"  Abe  said,  "and  I'll  bet  yer,  Mawruss, 
that  if  an  Airyoplane  Company  was  to  open  a 
ticket-office  in  New  York  to-morrow,  Mawruss, 
men  would  be  standing  in  line  to  buy  accommo 
dations  on  the  first  available  airyoplane — men 
with  wives  and  families  and  no  life  insurance  at 
that." 

"They  would  be  the  very  first  ones,"  Morris 
agreed,  "but  the  way  it  looks  to  me,  Abe,  New 

York  business  men  which  has  not  business  to  do 

no 


IT  IS  STILL  UP  IN  THE  AIR 

in  London  would  continue  to  take  twin-screw 
steamers  with  bilge  keels,  no  matter  how  unim 
portant  the  business  they  was  going  to  transact 
over  there  might  be,  because  even  the  stock 
holders  in  airyoplane-manufacturing  corporations 
would  got  to  admit  that  while  airyoplane-flying 
ain't  in  its  infancy,  exactly,  it  ain't  in  the  prime 
of  life,  neither.  Also,  Abe,  as  long  as  gas  only 
costs  a  dollar  twenty-five  a  thousand  cubic  feet, 
why  should  any  one  want  to  pull  off  such  a  high- 
priced  suicide  as  these  here  transatlantic  airy- 
oplane  voyages  is  going  to  be?" 

"Anyhow,  the  first  one  has  still  got  to  be  made 
yet,  Mawruss,"  Abe  remarked. 

"And  even  if  the  tenth  one  was  successful, 
Abe,"  Morris  concluded,  "you  could  take  it  from 
me,  this  here  transatlantic  airyoplane  navigation 
ain't  going  to  put  much  of  a  crimp  into  the  business 
of  manufacturing  seasick  remedies.  Am  I  right 
or  wrong?" 


XII 

THIS   HERE   VICTORY   LIBERTY   LOAN 


way  some  people  is  acting  about  this 
A  here  Victory  Loan,  Mawruss,"  Abe  Potash 
remarked  one  morning  in  April,  "you  would  think 
that  they  was  all  presidents  of  a  first  national 
bank  and  that  this  here  Carter  J.  Glass  has  already 
made  a  big  overdraft  and  if  he  don't  like  the  line 
of  credit  they  are  giving  him,  he  should  be  so 
good  as  to  take  his  account  somewheres  else, 
y  'understand." 

"Them  same  people  probably  think  that  in 
vesting  their  money  in  any  securities  bearing 
interest  at  less  than  fifteen  per  cent,  per  annum 
is,  so  to  speak,  the  equivalence  from  giving  money 
to  orphan-asylums  and  hospitals,  understand  me," 
Morris  Perlmutter  said.  '  *  We  already  give  them 
Liberty  Loan  schnorrers  two  hundred  dollars 
toward  the  expenses  of  their  rotten  war,'  they 
probably  say,  'and  still  they  ain't  satisfied."1 

"And  at  that  they  don't  mean  nothing  by  it," 
Abe  said,  "because  there  is  a  whole  lot  of  business 
men  in  the  United  States  which  couldn't  even 
give  up  the  family  housekeeping  money  every 
week  without  anyhow  saying  to  their  wives: 


THIS  HERE  VICTORY  LIBERTY  LOAN 

'Here,  take  my  blood;  take  my  life.  What  do 
you  want  from  me,  anyway?' ' 

"Maybe  they  do  and  maybe  they  don't  mean 
nothing  by  it,  Abe,"  Morris  said,  "but  it  would 
be  a  whole  lot  easier  for  this  here  Carter  J.  Glass 
if  everybody  would  act  as  his  own  Victory  Bond 
salesman  and  try  to  sell  himself  just  one  more 
bond  than  he  has  really  got  any  business  buying, 
y'understand." 

"It  would  be  a  whole  lot  easier  for  this  here 
Carter  J.  Glass,  Mawruss,  but  it  would  be  practi 
cally  impossible  for  pretty  nearly  everybody 
else,"  Abe  remarked,  "which  human  nature  is  so 
constituted,  Mawruss,  that  the  only  time  a  man 
really  and  truly  uses  some  high -class,  silver- 
tongued  salesmanship  on  himself  is  when  he  is 
trying  to  persuade  himself  that  it  is  all  right 
for  him  to  do  something  which  he  knows  in  his 
heart  it  is  dead  wrong  for  him  to  do." 

"Well,  at  least,  Abe,  in  this  here  Victory  Loan 
Campaign,  every  man  should  ought  to  try  to 
put  himself  in  the  place  of  the  salesman  which 
is  trying  to  sell  him  some  of  these  Victory  Bonds," 
Morris  continued,  "so  we  would  say,  for  example, 
that  you  would  be  a  Victory  Bond  salesman,  Abe, 
and  you  are  calling  on  a  feller  which  he  is  a  pretty 
tough  proposition  in  such  matters  by  the  name 
of,  we  would  say,  for  instance,  Abe  Potash." 

"Why  don't  you  make  the  feller  which  the 
salesman  is  supposed  to  call  on  a  really  and 
truly  hard-boiled  egg,  by  the  name,  we  would 
say,  for  instance,  Mawruss  Perlmutter?"  Abe 

113 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

asked.  "Which  when  you  put  up  to  me  a  hypo 
critical  case,  Mawruss,  why  is  it  you  must  always 
start  in  by  getting  insulted  already?" 

"What  do  you  mean  getting  insulted?"  Morris 
asked.  "I  am  only  putting  something  up  to  you 
for  the  sake  of  argument  not  arguments.'* 

"Well,  then,  why  not  be  perfectly  neuter  and 
call  the  tough  proposition  which  the  Victory 
Bond  salesman  is  visiting,  somebody  by  the  name 
of  a  competitor  like  Leon  Sammet,  for  instance?" 
Abe  suggested. 

"Because  I  am  trying  to  make  you  put  your 
self  in  the  place  of  the  Victory  Bond  salesman 
who  is  trying  to  sell  you  bonds,"  Morris  declared. 

"Put  your  own  self  in  the  place  of  the  Victory 
Bond  salesman,"  Abe  exclaimed,  "which  if  you 
want  to  give  me  any  hypocritical  cases  for  the 
sake  of  argument,  Mawruss,  I  have  seen  the  way 
you  practically  snap  the  head  off  a  collector  for 
a  charitable  fund  enough  times  to  appreciate 
how  you  would  behave  towards  a  Victory  Bond 
salesman,  so  go  ahead  on  the  basis  that  you  are 
the  tough  proposition  and  not  me." 

"A  charitable  fund  is  one  thing  and  this  here 
Victory  Loan  another,"  Morris  said. 

"I  know  it  is,"  Abe  agreed,  "but  at  the  same 
time,  Mawruss,  a  whole  lot  of  people  feels  that  if 
ever  they  give  a  couple  dollars  to  an  orphan- 
asylum,  they  practically  got  vaccinated  against 
future  attacks  of  the  same  complaint,  and  if  three 
years  later  the  collector  for  the  orphan-asylum 
calls  on  them  again  they  say:  'WTiy,  I  already 

114 


THIS  HERE   VICTORY  LIBERTY  LOAN 

gave  you  two  dollars  for  that  orphan-asylum! 
What  did  you  done  with  it  all?'  And  I  bet  yer 
that  just  as  many  people  considered  that  the 
fifty-dollar  bond  which  they  bought  during  the 
First  Liberty  Loan  Campaign  should  ought  to 
have  set  up  such  a  strong  antiseptic  in  then* 
system  that  they  would  be  immune  to  all  other 
Liberty  Bond  Campaigns,  no  matter  if  such 
campaigns  would  continue  until  there  was,  God 
forbid!  a  Fiftieth  Liberty  Loan  already." 

"Some  people  never  even  got,  so  to  speak, 
jabbed  the  first  time,"  Morris  observed,  "and 
the  way  they  avoid  Liberty  Bond  salesmen,  Abe, 
you  would  think  that  such  a  salesman  was  a  sort 
of  Liberty  Bond  Typhoid  Mary  and  would  infect 
them  tightwads  with  a  disease  where  they  were 
liable  to  break  out  all  over  with  coupons  or 
something." 

"As  a  matter  of  fact,  Mawruss,  that's  just  the 
effect  which  a  Liberty  Bond  salesman  should 
ought  to  have  on  the  right  kind  of  sitson,"  Abe 
said,  "which  while  I  don't  mean  to  say  that  making 
a  good  investment  like  buying  of  a  Liberty  Bond 
should  ought  to  be  considered  as  a  disease,  Maw 
russ,  it  should  anyhow  be  infectious  and  should 
ought  to  spread  so  rapidly  that  everybody  in 
the  United  States  could  say  they  had  it  to  the 
extent  of  at  least  one  fifty-dollar  bond  of  the 
Victory  Loan." 

"But  there  is  over  a  hundred  million  people 
in  the  United  States,  Abe,"  Morris  said,  "and  if 
they  all  bought  one  fifty-dollar  bond,  y'under- 

115 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

stand,  it  would  make  the  Victory  Loan  five  billion 
dollars,  whereas  this  here  Carter  J.  Glass  is  only 
asking  for  four  billion  five  hundred  million." 

"Well,  to  my  mind,  he's  acting  too  modest, 
Mawruss,"  Abe  went  on,  "because  if  we  expect 
Germany  to  raise  the  first  five  billion  dollars  of 
her  indemnity  with  nothing  to  show  for  it  but 
the  promise  that  she  would  have  to  raise  five 
billion  more  every  two  years  till  the  whole  indem 
nity  was  paid,  understand  me,  how  much  more 
should  we  raise  over  here  with  the  promise  that 
it  is  going  to  be  paid  back  to  us  in  a  few  years, 
with  interest  at  the  rate  of  four  and  three- 
quarters  per  cent,  per  annum?  Why,  under  them 
conditions,  Mawruss,  any  American  which  would 
refuse  to  buy  a  Victory  Loan  Bond  should  ought 
to  be  considered  as  applying  for  German  sitson- 
ship  papers  and  should  ought  to  be  exported  to 
Hamburg,  where  his  adopted  fellow-sitsons  is 
getting  frisked  by  the  German  government  for 
every  cent  they  possess  and  ain't  getting  so  much 
as  a  receipt  to  show  for  it." 

"For  that  matter,  an  American  which  refuses 
to  buy  Victory  Liberty  Bonds  should  ought  to 
completely  lost  his  memory,  Abe,"  Morris  de 
clared.  "Evidently  a  feller,  if  some  one  starts  a 
conversation  about  the  war,  is  going  to  say, 
'What  war?'  and  when  it  is  reminded  to  his 
memory  that  as  recently  ago  as  last  November 
the  papers  was  printing  every  day  columns  and 
columns  about  the  war  which  was  going  on  in 
Europe,  he  would  probably  say:  'Oh,  that  war! 

116 


THIS  HERE  VICTORY  LIBERTY  LOAN     > 

I  thought  that  war  was  already  a  thing  of  the 
past/  And  also  probably  he  might  even  ask, 
'Tell  me,  was  there  many  people  hurt?"1 

"Well,  if  some  folks  has  got  such  short  memories 
like  all  that,  and  is  only  affected  by  what  they 
have  read  in  the  papers  at  the  latest  the  day 
before  yesterday,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said,  "why 
not  have  the  Victory  Liberty  Loan  salesmen 
approach  them  on  the  basis  of  what  is  going  on 
now  in  Europe?  'You  are  asked/  such  a  sales 
man  would  say,  'to  invest  your  money  in  a  first- 
class  A-number-one  security,  backed  by  the 
United  States  government  and  bearing  interest 
at  the  rate  of  four  and  three-quarters  per  cent, 
per  annum,  and  that  is  the  very  least  you  could 
do  for  your  country  when  you  consider  that  right 
now/  the  salesman  would  say,  and  he  should 
practise  in  advance  to  make  his  voice  sound 
tragical,  'right  now  your  uncles  and  my  uncles  is 
making  peace  in  Paris  with  all  the  strength  of 
language  which  they've  got  in  their  system. 

'Yes,  Mr.  Sitson/  the  salesman  should  go  on 
to  say,  'the  government  is  only  asking  you  to 
invest  in  interest-bearing  cash  money,  so  to  speak, 
and  what  for  a  sacrifice  is  that  compared  to  the 
suffering  of  your  father-in-laws  and  my  father-in- 
laws  which  is  bravely  standing  larynx  to  larynx 
in  the  battle  area  of  the  Peace  Conference  while 
the  air  is  filled  with  the  French,  Italian,  Greek, 
Jugo-Slob,  and  Polish  remarks?  You  sit  here  in 
your  comfortable  home  while  the  flower  of  our 
experts  and  college  professors  is  exposed  to  all 

117 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

kinds  of  coffee  and  cigars.  Ain't  you  ashamed 
to  be  doing  nothing  but  buy  bonds  when  old  and 
feeble  men  like  most  of  the  American  Peace 
delegates  is  battling  with  French  waiters,  French 
taxicab-drivers,  French  hotel  service,  and  French 
laundry-lists,  giving  and  receiving  no  mercy, 
y 'understand,  and  you  should  thank  Heaven  that 
your  own  country  has  been  spared  the  horrors 
of  having  on  our  own  soil  this  here  Peace  Con 
ference  which  is  now  raging  in  Paris,  understand 
me." 

"That  would  be  anyhow  an  argument,"  Morris 
admitted,  "but  with  these  here  Victory  Liberty 
Bonds  it  shouldn't  ought  to  be  a  case  of  first  come 
first  serve.  With  only  four  and  a  half  billion 
dollars'  worth  of  Victory  Liberty  Bonds  for  sale, 
Abe,  seventy-five  per  cent,  of  the  people  of  the 
United  States  should  ought  to  be  going  around 
looking  as  sore  as  fellers  that  sell  tickets  in  theater 
box-offices,  and  when  any  one  asks  'em  why, 
they  should  say:  'Ain't  it  just  my  luck!  I  put 
off  buying  my  Victory  Liberty  Bonds  till  April 
23d,  and  when  I  got  round  to  the  bank  there 
wasn't  one  left.'  Yes,  Abe,  instead  of  Victory 
Liberty  Bond  salesmen  having  to  go  about  visit 
ing  customers,  y'understand,  they  should  ought 
to  have  luxurious  fitted-up  offices,  and  it  should 
ought  to  be  a  case  of  when  the  customer  arrives 
the  Victory  Liberty  Bond  salesman  should  ought 
to  be  playing  auction  pinochle  or  rummy  with 
two  other  Victory  Liberty  Bond  salesmen.  Then 
when  the  customer  says  is  this  the  place  where 

118 


THIS  HERE  VICTORY  LIBERTY  LOAN 

they  sell  Victory  Liberty  Bonds,  the  salesman 
says,  Til  be  with  you  in  a  minute,'  and  makes  the 
customer  stand  around  without  even  offering 
him  a  seat  until  the  salesmen  gets  through  play 
ing  two  more  hands.  The  customer  should  then 
make  out  his  own  application,  y'understand, 
have  the  exact  change  ready,  and  close  the 
door  quietly  when  leaving,  and  that's  the  way 
I  would  sell  Victory  Liberty  Bonds  if  I  was  the 
government." 

"That's  the  way  you  even  try  to  sell  garments," 
Abe  commented. 

"Because,"  Morris  continued,  evading  the 
challenge,  "it  is  my  idee  that  it  is  a  privilege  to 
be  allowed  to  buy  these  here  Victory  Liberty 
Bonds,  and  before  any  one  gets  that  privilege, 
Abe,  he  should  be  made  to  prove  that  he  has  done 
something  to  deserve  it.  Yes,  Abe,  instead  of  a 
man  wearing  a  button  to  show  that  he  has  bought 
Liberty  Bonds,  he  should  ought  to  go  before  a 
notary  public  and  make  an  oath  that  he  has 
given  up  his  quota  to  all  Red  Cross  and  United 
War  Relief  drives  and  otherwise  done  everything 
he  could  do  to  help  win  the  war  if  he  couldn't 
fight  in  it,  y'understand,  and  then,  and  only 
then,  Abe,  he  should  be  given  a  button  entitling 
him  to  buy  Victory  Liberty  Bonds  under  the 
conditions  I  have  stated." 

"But,  joking  apart,  Mawruss,  and  talking  busi 
ness,  not  poetry,  understand  me,"  Abe  asked, 
"do  you  actually  think  that  this  here  Victory 
Liberty  Loan  would  be  all  taken  up  by  them 

119 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

methods?  To  my  mind,  Mawruss,  it  would  be 
a  whole  lot  better  to  look  the  horse  straight  in 
the  teeth,  y'understand,  and  take  it  as  settled 
that  a  lot  of  people  which  has  got  the  money  to 
buy  bonds  would  go  round  saying  that  they 
would  be  very  glad  to  buy  bonds  if  they  only  had 
the  money,  y'understand.  To  such  people,  Maw 
russ,  I  would  remind  them  again  that  a  war,  even 
when  you  win  it,  ain't  a  cash-in-advance  proposi 
tion.  In  fact,  a  war  ain't  even  a  C.  O.  D.  prop 
osition.  Wars  is  paid  for  on  the  instalment 
plan,  Mawruss,  and  while  this  particular  war  is 
over,  understand  me,  the  bill  has  still  got  to  be 
paid,  and  if  such  people  won't  lend  the  govern 
ment  the  money  to  pay  for  the  war,  the  govern 
ment  would  have  to  do  what  the  German  govern 
ment  is  going  to  do  to  the  German  people — 
instead  of  touching  them  for  it  and  paying  it 
back,  they  would  frisk  them  for  it  and  not  even 
say  much  obliged,  y'understand." 

"At  that,  Abe,  I  ain't  worried  a  whole  lot  about 
the  result  of  this  Victory  Liberty  Loan,"  Morris 
said.  "When  all  is  said  and  done,  Abe,  the 
American  people  love  their  country." 

"I  know  they  do,"  Abe  agreed,  "but  also, 
Mawruss,  there  is  a  whole  lot  of  fellers  which 
loves  their  families  and  at  the  same  time  don't 
lose  no  sleep  nights  because  they  ain't  providing 
for  them  as  they  should  ought  to  do.  So  to 
them  people  I  would  say:  *  Which  would  you 
rather  have  it  as  a  souvenir  of  the  war:  Victory 

Liberty  Bonds  or  tax  bills?'     Also,  'Would  you 

120 


THIS  HERE  VICTORY  LIBERTY  LOAN 

sooner  be  paid  interest  or  would  you  sooner  pay 
interest?"' 

"In  other  words,  Abe,  you  would  threaten  'em 
into  buying  bonds,"  Morris  observed. 

"Only  when  it's  necessary,  Mawruss,"  Abe 
concluded,  "and  that  wouldn't  be  in  the  case  of 
one  thousandth  of  one  per  cent,  of  the  entire 
population,  because  the  great  majority  of  the 
people  thinks  the  way  I  do  about  their  money: 
the  government  let  me  make  it,  and  the  govern 
ment  lets  me  keep  it,  and  if  the  government  would 
sooner  borrow  part  of  it  instead  of  taking  it  all, 
Mawruss,  that's  only  the  government's  good 
nature,  which  nobody  should  presume  too  much 
on  good  nature,  Mawruss.  Am  I  right  or  wrong?" 


XIII 

WHEN   IS  A   SECRET  TREATY   SECRET? 

"  T  SEE  where  President  Wilson  sent  a  letter 
•1  to  the  German  government  that  they  might 
just  so  well  save  the  car  fare  and  not  send  any 
delegates  to  this  here  Peace  Conference  which 
wouldn't  be  prepared  for  the  worst,  Mawruss," 
Abe  Potash  said  one  morning  in  April. 

"You  would  think,  considering  how  excited 
the  German  people  gets  nowadays,  that  they 
would  have  a  hard  time  finding  any  one  to  take 
the  job  of  delegate,  Abe,"  Morris  Perlmutter 
suggested,  "which  the  least  that  happens  to 
one  of  them  German  delegates  after  the  German 
people  finds  out  what  was  in  the  paper  he  signed 
is  that  his  executioners  would  claim  that  the  day 
light-saving  law  made  it  unnecessary  for  them 
to  wait  till  sunrise,  y'understand." 

"Well,  he  would  always  have  the  excuse  that 
the  only  thing  he  seen  of  the  Peace  Treaty  before 
he  signed  it  was  a  dotted  line,  Mawruss,"  Abe 
said,  "and  also,  Mawruss,  it  is  just  possible  that 
the  return  half  of  them  German  peace  delegates 
will  read  via  Amsterdam,  and  that  before  taking 

a  three  years'  lease  of  an  Amsterdam  apartment 

122 


WHEN  IS  A  SECRET  TREATY  SECRET? 

some  of  them  peace  delegates  would  first  visit 
a  ticket-scalper  and  get  that  much  off  their 
minds,  anyway." 

"And  even  in  Paris  them  German  peace  dele 
gates  wouldn't  be,  neither,"  Morris  declared, 
"which  I  see  that  the  French  government  is  too 
safe  arranging  for  the  accommodation  of  them 
German  delegates  at  a  hotel  next  to  the  place 
where  the  Peace  Treaty  is  going  to  be  signed, 
Abe,  and  the  lot  on  which  the  hotel  stands  is 
going  to  be  protected  with  an  egg-proof  fence 
eight  feet  high  so  that  the  German  delegates  can 
escape  any  stray  rotten  eggs." 

"The  fence  could  be  twelve  feet  high,  Mawruss," 
Abe  remarked,  "and  it  wouldn't  do  any  good, 
because  nobody  could  escape  rotten  eggs  in  a 
French  hotel,  Mawruss,  rotten  coffee,  neither. 
Also,  Mawruss,  eggs  'ain't  got  nothing  to  do 
with  that  fence,  because  if  that  fence  wouldn't 
be  there,  Mawruss,  when  it  comes  time  for  them 
German  delegates  to  sign  the  treaty,  Mawruss, 
the  Peace  Conference  would  got  to  appoint  a 
Committee  of  Resident  Buyers  to  round  up 
them  German  delegates,  on  account  that  nobody 
else  but  Resident  Buyers  who  is  accustomed  to 
entertaining  their  American  clients  would  know 
where  them  German  delegates  had  disappeared 
to." 

"Well,  in  a  way  it  is  the  Peace  Conference's 
own  fault  because  they  sent  word  to  the  German 
government  that  they  didn't  want  to  deal  with  no 
messengers,  but  that  the  German  delegates  should 

123 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

all  be  high-up  officials,  Abe,"  Morris  said,  "which 
seemingly  as  a  general  thing  the  higher  up  a 
German  happens  to  be,  y 'understand,  the  lower 
down  he  can  act.  Take,  for  example,  the  Crown 
Prince,  Abe,  and  I  always  thought  that  no  matter 
how  much  people  abused  him,  Abe,  he  could  any 
how  go  home  and  say  to  his  wife  whatever  I  done, 
I  done  it  all  for  you,  instead  of  going  somewhere 
else  and  saying  it  to  ballet-dancers,  as  his  wife's 
mother  claims." 

"I  understand  he  was  leading  a  double  life, 
Mawruss,"  Abe  observed. 

"He  was  leading  a  double  life  in  spades,  Abe," 
Morris  declared,  alluding  to  the  game  of  auction 
pinochle.  "Day  after  day  his  wife's  mother  says 
he  would  leave  the  house  to  go  down-town  to 
the  palace,  and  instead  he  would  go  down-town 
not  to  the  palace  and  never  show  up  till  all  hours 
of  the  morning.  Then  when  his  wife  asked  him 
where  he  was  putting  in  his  time,  y 'understand, 
instead  of  acting  reasonable  and  telling  her  a 
phony  story  about  being  sick  and  tired  of  getting 
stuck  at  the  Reichskanzlei  night  after  night,  and 
that  he  wished  the  old  man  would  get  through 
springing  a  new  chancellor  on  him  every  week, 
understand  me,  he  gives  himself  dead  away  by 
getting  sore.  In  fact,  Abe,  his  mother-in-law 
says  that  the  Hohenzollern  royal  colors  is  black 
and  blue,  anyhow  so  far  as  the  Crown  Princess 
is  concerned,  and  that  she  made  up  her  mind 
that  she  wouldn't  let  her  daughter  live  with  him 
no  longer,  so  the  chances  is  that  if  the  German 

124 


WHEN  IS  A  SECRET  TREATY  SECRET? 

people  goes  back  to  the  monarchy,  they  would  not 
only  got  to  pay  indemnities  for  what  the  Crown 
Prince  done,  but  alimony  besides." 

"Well,  even  if  the  mother-in-law  couldn't 
prove  what  she  says  about  her  daughter's  husband, 
which  very  few  mother-in-laws  can,  Mawruss," 
Abe  said,  "the  Crown  Princess  would  be  able  to 
get  her  devorce  upon  the  grounds  that  her  husband 
was  convicted  of  a  felony,  y'understand,  which 
he  will  be,  Mawruss,  just  so  soon  as  the  Peace 
Conference  has  finished  drawing  up  the  indict 
ment.'* 

"Then  them  German  people  will  be  paying 
her  temporary  alimony  permanently  for  the  rest 
of  her  life,  Abe,"  Morris  said,  "because  them  fel 
lers  which  is  drawing  the  indictments  against  the 
Kaiser  and  the  Crown  Prince  seems  to  be  taking 
their  own  time  about  it." 

"It's  a  big  job,  Mawruss,  because  you  take 
the  indictment  against  the  Crown  Prince,  Mawruss, 
and  the  chances  is  that  the  first  two  hundred 
counts  alone  is  for  French  chateau  furniture,  and 
when  some  one  steals  anything  from  a  French 
chateau,  Mawruss,  it's  a  hundred  to  one  that  he 
is  guilty  not  only  of  larceny,  y'understand,  but 
of  concealing  mortgaged  property  besides,  under 
stand  me,"  Abe  said,  "which  it  has  always  been 
a  wonder  to  me,  Mawruss,  that  some  of  these 
ladies  of  the  four  hundred  who  open  tea-rooms 
for  European  war  relief  has  never  considered 
doing  nothing  for  them  Ruined  Mortgagees  of 
France,  or  the  Suffering  Judgment  Creditors  of 

10  125 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

Allied  Noblemen.  Most  of  our  best  families 
has  had  experience  some  time  or  another  with 
railroad  reorganizations,  and  you  would  think 
they  would  have  enough  sympathy  for  them 
Starving  Lienors  of  France,  Mawruss,  to  get  up, 
anyhow,  a  bazaar.  It  could  be  advertised  with  a 
picture  by  some  big  artist  like  C.  G.  Gibson,  where 
an  old  man  in  what  used  to  was  a  fur  overcoat 
before  the  moths  got  into  it  is  bending  over  Liber 
2244  of  Mortgages,  page  391,  which  is  all  the  old 
feller  has  got  to  show  for  what  was  once  a  first 
lien  on  some  gilt-edged  chateau  property,  Maw 
russ." 

"Well,  I'll  tell  you,"  Morris  said,  "there's  a 
certain  number  of  people  which  nobody  has  got 
any  sympathy  with,  like  mortgagers,  coal  dealers, 
head  waiters,  garage  proprietors,  and  fellers  which 
works  in  theayter  ticket  -  offices,  to  which,  of 
course,  must  also  be  added  Postmaster-General 
Burleson." 

"And  why  that  feller  is  so  unpopular  is  a  mys 
tery  to  me,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said.  "You  would 
think,  to  hear  the  way  the  newspapers  talk  about 
him,  that  the  very  least  he  had  done  was  to  mix 
arsenic  with  the  gum  which  they  put  on  the  backs 
of  stamps,  whereas,  so  far  as  I  could  see,  the  poor 
feller  is  only  trying  to  do  his  duty  and  keep  down 
the  wages  of  telephone  operators,  which  I  don't 
know  how  strong  telephone  operators  is  with 
the  rest  of  the  country,  but  compared  with  the 
hit  that  they  make  with  me,  Mawruss,  Mr.  Bur 
leson  would  be  a  general  favorite,  y'understand." 

126 


WHEN  IS  A  SECRET  TREATY  SECRET? 

"He  was  already  in  bad  before  them  telephone 
girls  struck  on  him,  Abe,"  Morris  said,  "and 
for  the  very  reason,  as  you  say,  that  he  has  always 
done  his  duty  as  he  seen  it,  which  the  trouble 
with  them  fellers  that  do  their  duty  as  they  see  it 
is  that  nobody  else  could  see  it,  Abe.  It  is  also 
the  case  that  them  people  which  do  their  duty 
as  they  see  it  usually  has  rotten  eyesight,  Abe, 
and  when  it  comes  right  down  to  it,  Abe,  there  is 
even  some  people  which  claims  that  Mr.  Wilson 
should  also  consult  an  oculist  to  find  out  if  he 
don't  need  to  have  his  glasses  changed.  In  fact, 
there's  a  couple  of  fellers  by  the  name  Orlando 
and  Sonnino  which  seems  to  think  that  Mr. 
Wilson  is  practically  blind  so  far  as  Fiume  is 
concerned." 

"You  mean  to  say  they  'ain't  settled  that  Fiume 
thing  yet,  Mawruss?"  Abe  asked. 

"  They  did  and  they  didn't,"  Morris  said.  "  Mr. 
Wilson  give  out  a  long  statement  about  it  in 
which  he  thought  he  settled  it,  Abe,  and  the 
Italian  peace  delegates  said  they  would  go  home 
and  leave  the  Peace  Conference  flat,  y'understand, 
and  thought  they  settled  it,  but  the  way  it  looks 
now,  Abe,  if  the  Peace  Conference  stays  in  session 
till  they  do  settle  it,  when  Mr.  Wilson  comes  back 
and  explains  the  Peace  Treaty  to  Congress,  he 
will  speak  with  such  a  strong  French  accent  that 
only  the  members  from  Louisiana  will  be  able  to 
understand  a  word  he  says." 

"But  why  does  Mr.  Wilson  say  that  Italy 
shouldn't  have  Fiume?"  Abe  inquired. 

127 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

"Because  it  doesn't  square  up  with  his  fourteen 
points,"  Morris  replied,  "and  seemingly  he  don't 
want  to  stretch  a  point." 

"Well,  if  he  did,  Mawruss,  it  wouldn't  be  the 
first  time,"  Abe  declared,  "because  if  you 
recollect  them  fourteen  points,  which  is  more 
than  most  people  could,  Mawruss,  point  number 
one  said  that  there  should  be  open  covenants  of 
peace  openly  arrived  at,  Mawruss,  and  also  some 
thing  about  such  terms  being  discussed  openly, 
frankly,  and  in  the  public  view,  Mawruss,  and 
the  way  Mr.  Wilson  has  stretched  that  point, 
Mawruss,  it  '11  never  look  like  the  same  point 
again." 

"Say!"  Morris  interrupted.  "As  a  keep-it- 
dark  proposition,  Abe,  Mr.  Wilson  'ain't  got 
nothing  on  this  here  lAoyd  George,  Clemenceau, 
and  the  firm  of  Orlando  &  Sonnino,  to  say  nothing 
of  the  Japanese  delegates,  which  I  suppose  you 
heard  about  them  secret  treaties,  Abe." 

"I  never  heard  tell  of  them,"  Abe  replied. 

"Neither  did  Mr.  Wilson  until  the  other  day, 
which  the  way  it  happened  was  this,"  Morris  con 
tinued:  "Orlando  &  Sonnino  was  talking  the 
whole  thing  over  in  a  friendly  way  with  Lloyd 
George  and  Mr.  Wilson,  and  Mr.  Wilson  says 
that  when  it  come  right  down  to  it  Italy's  claims 
to  Trieste  wasn't  what  would  be  called  in  the 
language  of  diplomacy  exactly  kosher,  neither,  and 
Sonnino  says:  'Is  that  so?  Well,  how  about  our 
treaty?'  And  although  Orlando  kicked  his  part 
ner  under  the  table  and  Lloyd  George  give  him 

128 


WHEN  IS  A  SECRET  TREATY  SECRET? 

one  of  them  what-are-you-trying-to-do-spoil-every- 
thing  looks,  Mr.  Wilson  caught  on  right  away. 
'What  treaty?'  he  asked,  and  Lloyd  George  says: 
'WTiy,  you  know  what  treaty.  I  was  sitting 
right  here  when  Clemenceau  told  you  all  about  it,' 
and  it  appears  that  all  the  time  Mr.  Wilson  was 
kidding  himself  along  that  if  he  compromised  by 
letting  Italy  have  Trieste,  she  would  pass  up 
Fiume,  Abe,  it  seems  she  had  a  secret  agreement 
with  France  and  England  that  she  was  to  have 
Trieste,  anyway." 

"No  wonder  Mr.  Wilson  feels  sore,"  Abe 
remarked. 

"Wait,  that  ain't  all,"  Morris  said.  "Now  it 
appears  that  Japan  has  also  a  secret  treaty  with 
France  and  England  to  get  a  slice  of  China  which 
formerly  belonged  to  Germany,  y'understand, 
and  Mr.  Wilson  is  beginning  to  experience  what 
it  is  like  when  you  sit  in  a  poker  game  all  evening 
and  don't  find  out  till  the  last  round  is  on  that 
everybody  else  around  the  table  is  playing  for 
the  house." 

"They  could  all  be  playing  honest  at  that, 
Mawruss,"  Abe  suggested. 

"Sure  they  could,  with  the  exception  of  having 
a  couple  of  secret  treaties  of  so,"  Morris  agreed, 
"but  at  the  same  time,  Abe,  I  wouldn't  be  a  bit 
surprised  if  since  the  discovery  of  these  here 
secret  treaties,  Mr.  Wilson  has  waked  up  more 
than  once  somewheres  around  three  A.M.  and  asked 
himself  did  he  or  did  he  not  need  a  mandatory, 
y'understand,  and  also  wondered  what  the  folks 

129 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

back  home  is  thinking — particularly  a  few  Sena 
tors  like  Lodge  and  Johnson." 

"I  don't  agree  with  you,  Mawruss,"  Abe  de 
clared.  "I  think  that  Mr.  Wilson  will  get  the 
better  end  of  the  deal,  because  from  what  has 
happened  in  this  war,  Mawruss,  diplomacy  is 
one  of  them  games  where  the  feller  which  don't 
know  how  to  play  it  has  got  a  big  advantage  over 
the  feller  that  does.  So,  therefore,  while  the 
old-time  experienced  diplomatist  is  saying  it 
never  has  been  done  that  way  and  therefore 
couldn't  be  done,  Mawruss,  a  new  beginner  like 
Mr.  Wilson  has  already  gone  to  work  and  done  it, 
which  I  bet  yer  right  now,  Mawruss,  that  if  Mr. 
Wilson  don't  want  Italy  to  have  Fiume  she  won't 
get  it,  and  the  same  thing  goes  for  Japan  also, 
Mawruss — secret  treaty  or  no  secret  treaty." 

"Still,  there's  a  whole  lot  of  people  in  America 
which  would  like  to  see  Italy  get  Fiume,  Abe," 
Morris  said. 

"There  was  a  whole  lot  of  people,  Mawruss," 
Abe  said,  "but  this  secret-treaty  business  has 
killed  it,  which  if  Italy  wanted  to  be  fair  about  it, 
why  didn't  she  come  right  out  before  the  armistice 
even  and  say,  'Look-a-here,  we  got  a  secret  treaty 
and  we  may  as  well  tell  you  so  right  from  the 
start'?" 

"Then  the  secret  treaty  wouldn't  been  no  more 
secret,  Abe,"  Morris  said. 

"She  would  have  been  doing  the  manly  thing, 
anyway,"  Abe  said. 

"I  know  she  would,"  Morris  admitted,  "but 

130 


WHEN  IS  A  SECRET  TREATY  SECRET? 

that's  the  difference  between  the  old-fashioned 
Italian  diplomacy  and  the  new-fashioned  Ameri 
can  diplomacy.  The  Italians  believe  that  there 
should  be  secret  covenants  of  peace  secretly 
arrived  at,  and  we  believe  that  there  should  be 
open  covenants  of  peace  openly  arrived  at." 

"There  is  also  the  difference,  Mawruss,  that  the 
Italians  stick  to  their  beliefs,"  Abe  concluded, 
"and  we  don't." 


XIV 

THE   FIRST   DAY   OF  MAY 

:'  T  SEE  where  in  Genoa  they  already  changed 

•*•  the  name  of  a  street  which  only  last  week 
they  called  Wilson  Avenue,  Mawruss,"  Abe 
Potash  said  one  morning  after  the  rupture  with 
Orlando. 

"Well,  that's  the  trouble  with  calling  articles 
after  the  latest  popular  success,  Abe,"  Morris 
said.  "It  don't  make  no  difference  if  it's  streets 
or  cigars,  the  first  thing  you  know  the  people  gets 
a  grouch  on  the  original  of  the  brand  and  the 
manufacturer  has  got  to  tear  up  a  few  thousand 
Flor  de  President  Wilson  labels  and  go  back  to 
calling  it  the  Regalia  de  Ginsburg  Brothers,  or 
whatever  the  name  was." 

"But  in  Genoa  they  didn't  go  back  to  the  name 
of  the  old  street,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said.  "They 
renamed  it  Fiume  Street." 

"And  it  wouldn't  surprise  me  in  the  least  if  a 
few  Burleson  streets  was  changed  to  Second  Class 
Avenue,  Abe,"  Morris  declared,  "on  account  this 
is  a  time  of  great  ups  and  downs  in  the  reputa 
tions  of  politicians,  not  to  say  statesmen,  Abe, 
which  six  months  from  now  nobody  would  be 
able  to  say  offhand  whether  the  name  was  Bela 

132 


THE  FIRST  DAY  OF  MAY 

Hanson  or  Old  Kun  except  the  immediate  family 
in  Budapest  or  Seattle,  as  the  case  may  be." 

"In  a  way,  Mawruss,  the  reputations  of  poli 
ticians,  not  to  say  statesmen,  can  get  to  be,  so  to 
speak,  a  nuisance  to  their  fellow-countrymen," 
Abe  observed,  "which  it  happens  once  in  a 
while  that  some  politicians  and  statesmen  gets 
to  having  such  a  high  regard  for  their  reputations, 
Mawruss,  they  would  sooner  injure  their  country 
than  their  reputation.  Italian  statesmen,  French 
statesmen,  English  statesmen,  and  even,  you 
might  say,  American  statesmen  goes  about  their 
work  with  one  eye  on  the  job  in  hand  and  the 
other  eye  on  a  possible  statue  or  so  at  the  junction 
of  Main  Street  and  Railroad  Avenue  in  their  native 
town,  y'understand,  with  a  subscription  on  the 
pedestal : 

"'HARRIS  J.  SONNINO 

Erected  by  His  Fellow-Townsmen  of  East  Rome, 
August  1,  1919.'" 

"Such  an  ambition,  anyhow,  makes  the  states 
men  try  to  do  the  right  thing,"  Morris  observed. 

"And  it  also  occasionally  makes  him  do  the 
obstinate  thing,  Mawruss,"  Abe  continued.  "In 
fact,  Mawruss,  sometimes  I  couldn't  help  wishing 
that  it  was  the  custom  to  have  corporations  and 
not  men  as  ambassadors  and  presidents,  because 
it  would  be  such  a  simple  matter  when  the  Repub 
licans  nominated  the  Chicago  Title  Guarantee, 
Security  and  Mortgage  Company  for  President 

133 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

and  the  Democrats  nominated  the  Algonquin 
Trust  Company,  of  Pottstown,  for  the  voters  of 
the  country  to  compare  the  statement  of  assets 
of  each  company  and  judge  which  was  the  most 
reliable,  y'understand.  Also,  Mawruss,  if  the 
Algonquin  Trust  Company  was  now  President 
of  the  United  States,  understand  me,  and  some 
body  was  to  say  they  didn't  like  the  way  the 
President  was  running  things  at  the  Peace  Con 
ference,  y'understand,  nobody  would  have  the 
nerve  to  arrest  him  for  criticizing  a  great  and  good 
corporation  like  the  Algonquin  Trust  Company. 
Furthermore,  Mawruss,  if  Italy  had  been  repre 
sented  at  this  here  Peace  Conference  not  by 
Sonnino,  but  by  the  Milan  Trust  Company, 
which  no  doubt  acts  as  executor,  guardian  or 
trustee  like  any  other  trust  company,  and  there 
fore  why  not  as  ambassador,  understand  me,  there 
never  would  have  been  no  scrap  about  Fiume 
arising  from  the  fact  that  the  Milan  Trust  Com 
pany  could  never  go  home  and  face  the  people 
of  Italy  without  Fiume,  and  also  nobody  would 
have  considered  that  Mr.  Wilson's  statement  was 
a  direct  slap  in  the  face  of  the  Milan  Trust  Com 
pany,  Mawruss." 

"Listen,  Abe,"  Morris  protested,  "if  you  are 
trying  to  invent  this  schmooes  about  corporations 
just  so  you  could  knock  Mr.  Wilson,  y'understand, 
such  a  scheme  wouldn't  deceive  a  child  even." 

"I  wouldn't  knock  President  Wilson  for  any 
thing,  Mawruss,"  Abe  retorted.  "  I  couldn't  knock 
him,  because  when  I  think  of  Mr.  WTilson  I  see 

134 


THE  FIRST  DAY  OF  MAY 

before  my  eyes  a  good-looking  gentleman  with  a 
pleasant  smile  on  his  face,  y 'understand,  and  not 
very  far  away  stands  Mrs.  Wilson,  which,  if  Mr. 
Wilson  didn't  put  over  even  one  fourteenth  of  his 
fourteen  points,  Mawruss,  his  visit  to  Europe 
with  Mrs.  Wilson  wouldn't  be  wasted,  Mawruss, 
because  it  would  have  given  them  people  over 
in  the  old  country  a  chance  to  see  what  an  Ameri 
can  lady  is  and  should  ought  to  be,  y'understand. 
But  on  the  other  hand,  Mawruss,  if  the  Democrats 
had  elected  the  Algonquin  Trust  Company  as 
President  of  the  United  States  at  the  last  election, 
y'understand,  whenever  I  would  think  of  the 
President  of  the  United  States  I  would  see  before 
my  eyes  a  twenty-five-story  fire-proof  building 
with  all  the  rents  raised  one  hundred  and  fifty 
per  cent,  since  last  January,  understand  me, 
and  I  could  go  to  work  and  knock  with  a  clear 
conscience." 

"But  why  should  you  want  to  knock  the  Presi 
dent  of  the  United  States?"  Morris  demanded. 

"Ain't  I  telling  you  that  I  don't  want  to  knock 
him?"  Abe  declared.  "All  I  am  saying  is  that, 
if  such  a  thing  was  possible,  it  would  be  a  whole 
lot  better  to  have  a  corporation  as  President  of 
the  United  States  instead  of  an  individual,  Maw 
russ,  because  corporations  don't  get  sick,  corpora 
tions  don't  get  insulted,  a  corporation  oser  cares 
whether  it  gets  cheered  or  hooted,  and  finally, 
Mawruss,  a  corporation  couldn't  ride  around 
Italy  in  an  open  carriage  with  the  King  of  Italy 
and  give  the  Italian  people  the  impression  that  all 

135 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

they  had  to  do  was  to  ask  for  Fiume  and  it  was 
theirs." 

"And  another  thing  about  a  corporation,  Abe, 
is  that  it  ain't  a  copartnership  where  one  partner 
could  get  every  day  a  headache  from  listening 
to  the  other  partner  talking  a  lot  of  nonsense, 
Abe,"  Morris  declared,  "which  you  must  got  to 
remember  that,  beginning  the  first  of  May,  if 
you  would  go  to  a  soda-fountain  and  say,  'Give 
me  something  for  a  headache,'  they  would  give 
you  a  United  States  Internal  Revenue  stamp  for 
which  you  would  got  to  pay  two  cents  before 
they  would  even  take  the  cork  out  of  the  bromo- 
asperin  bottle." 

"What's  the  difference  whether  they  tax  a 
headache  coming  or  going,  Mawruss?"  Abe 
commented. 

"A  whole  lot  of  difference,"  Morris  said.  "In 
the  first  place,  the  taxes  which  the  country  used  to 
collect  in  one  week  from  people  when  they  were 
catching  headaches  would  be  more  than  equiva 
lence  to  the  taxes  which  the  country  is  going  to 
collect  from  people  curing  headaches  during  the 
next  ten  years.  Also,  Abe,  nobody  thought  it 
was  a  hardship  to  pay  taxes  on  a  coming  head 
ache,  whereas  there  will  be  a  terrible  howl  go  up 
over  the  tax  on  the  same  article  in  the  opposite 
direction." 

"At  that,  I  think  these  here  May  1st  taxes 
is  going  to  have  a  good  effect  on  the  American 
people,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said,  "because  there's 
nothing  like  taxes  to  make  a  man  wake  up  and 

136 


THE  FIRST  DAY  OF  MAY 

take  an  interest  in  the  way  the  government  is 
being  run." 

"A  man  would  got  to  be  an  awful  sound  sleeper 
in  that  respect  if  he  wasn't  roused  up  a  little  by 
the  income  tax  which  he  has  been  paying  for  the 
past  four  or  five  years,  Abe,"  Morris  said. 

"That's  only  once  a  year,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said, 
"but  these  here  May  1st  taxes  is  going  to  keep 
him  awake  three  hundred  and  sixty-five  days 
out  of  the  year.  People  which  thought  you  was 
a  tightwad  if  you  happened  to  mention  that  six 
hundred  million  dollars  of  the  country's  money 
was  used  up  in  experimenting  with  aeroplanes,  is 
now  going  to  shriek  in  agony  every  time  they  buy 
a  three-dollar-and-a-quarter  shirt  that  it's  a 
shame  and  a  disgrace  the  way  every  little  secretary 
in  the  President's  Cabinet  is  gallivanting  half 
over  Europe  on  the  people's  money,  and  they'd 
probably  be  just  as  hard  if  the  shirt  only  cost 
two  dollars  and  a  quarter,  excepting  that  the 
luxury  tax  of  ten  per  cent,  is  only  collected  from 
the  purchasers  of  men's  shirts  of  the  value  of  three 
dollars  and  upwards  on  amounts  in  excess  of  three 
dollars  each.  Also,  Mawruss,  people  which  has 
just  paid  eight  dollars  for  a  bathrobe  on  which  the 
tax  would  be  ten  per  cent,  of  fifty  cents,  or  five 
cents  cash,  y 'understand,  is  going  to  say :  *  Couldn't 
that  feller  travel  to  and  from  Europe  in  one 
state-room  the  same  like  anybody  else?  Must  he 
got  to  have  a  whole  steamboat?'  and  they  will 
start  right  in  to  estimate  that  the  cost  of  keeping 
a  steamboat  the  size  of  the  George  Washington  in 

137 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

commission  is  forty-five  thousand  six  hundred 
and  twenty-two  dollars  and  thirty-eight  cents 
per  diem,  and  is  it  any  wonder  you've  got  to  pay 
a  one-cent  tax  on  every  orange  phosphate,  under 
stand  me." 

"Some  people  is  willing  to  get  in  a  knock  at 
Mr.  Wilson  without  even  so  much  as  an  orange- 
phosphate  tax  for  an  excuse,  Abe,"  Morris  said, 
significantly. 

"I  know  they  are,"  Abe  replied,  innocently, 
"and  as  for  Postmaster-General  Burleson,  seem 
ingly  he  couldn't  suit  nobody  no  matter  what  he 
does.  Take,  for  instance,  them  fourteen  bombs 
which  was  mailed  in  New  York  the  other  day, 
Mawruss,  and  if  it  wouldn't  be  that  Postmaster- 
General  Burleson  has  probably  given  strict  orders 
that  no  mail  should  be  forwarded  which  was 
short  even  a  half-a-cent  postage-stamp  even, 
the  chances  is  that  every  one  of  them  fourteen 
bombs  would  have  been  delivered  and  exploded 
by  now.  But  suppose  that,  instead  of  Postmaster- 
General  Burleson,  we  would  have  had  as  Post 
master-General  some  good-natured  feller  which 
when  his  New  York  representatives  called  him 
up  and  told  him  they  were  holding  fourteen  pack 
ages  there  for  additional  postage,  would  have 
said:  'Oh,  let  'em  go.  We  couldn't  afford  to  be 
small  about  a  little  thing  like  additional  postage.' 
And  what  would  have  happened?  Why,  the 
fourteen  judges,  mayors,  and  assorted  Senators 
and  district  attorneys  to  which  them  packages 
was  addressed  would  have  been  lucky  if  they 

138 


THE  FIRST  DAY  OF  MAY 

escaped  with  nothing  worse  than  singed  eyebrows, 
Mawruss.  And  to-day  yet,  Mawruss,  them  fellers 
which  has  got  only  Postmaster-General  Burleson 
to  thank  that  they  can  still  riffle  a  deck  of  cards, 
understand  me,  is  probably  going  around  beefing 
about  the  terrible  delay  in  the  delivery  of  mail 
under  the  administration  of  Postmaster-General 
Burleson." 

"And  do  you  think  that  the  police  will  ever  find 
out  who  sent  them  bombs,  Abe?"  Morris  asked. 

"Probably  not,"  Abe  replied,  "but  they  will 
probably  find  some  man  or  men  who  would  have 
liked  to  have  sent  them  and  would  have  been 
glad  to  have  sent  them,  and  as  nobody  is  going  to 
miss  such  fellers,  Mawruss,  it  probably  won't 
make  much  difference  in  the  long  run  if  any  such 
case  of  mistaken  identity  ain't  discovered  until 
the  sentence  is  carried  out,  y 'understand." 

"I  see  that  it  says  in  the  paper  where  the 
anarchists  which  sent  them  bombs  was  celebrating 
the  first  day  of  May,  which  is  the  anarchists' 
Fourth  of  July,  Abe,"  Morris  observed,  "which, 
considering  all  the  trouble  that  takes  place  in 
Europe  with  general  strikes  and  riots  on  the  first 
of  May,  Abe,  it's  a  wonder  to  me  that  the  con 
stitution  of  the  League  of  Nations  didn't  contain 
an  article  providing  that  in  the  interests  of  inter 
national  peace,  y'understand,  the  month  of  May 
should  hereafter  contain  thirty  days  instead  of 
thirty-one,  commencing  with  the  second  day  of 
May,  and  leave  them  anarchists  up  against  it 
for  a  day  to  celebrate." 

139 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

"The  first  of  May  is  the  socialists'  Fourth  of 
July,  not  the  anarchists',"  Abe  said,  "which,  while 
it  is  possible  that  these  here  anarchists  sent  them 
bombs  around  the  first  of  May  out  of  compliment 
to  their  friends  the  socialists,  Mawruss,  an  anar 
chist  don't  attach  no  particular  sentiment  to  the 
day  when  a  bomb  explodes,  just  so  long  as  it  does 
enough  damage,  Mawruss." 

"Just  the  same,  I  am  in  favor  of  doing  away 
with  the  first  of  May,"  Morris  insisted,  "and  if  it 
ain't  practical  to  abolish  the  date,  Abe,  let  'em 
anyhow  cut  out  the  celebration.  Them  general 
strikes  causes  a  whole  lot  of  trouble." 

"They  do  if  you  take  them  seriously,"  Abe 
agreed, "  because  in  this  country,  at  least,  Mawruss, 
only  a  few  people  takes  part  in  the  May  first 
general  strike.  This  year  we  only  had  two  of 
our  work-people  away  on  account  of  the  general 
strike,  and  one  of  them  now  claims  he  stayed  home 
on  account  of  injuring  his  hand  in  one  of  our 
buttonhole-machines,  which  I  have  got  proof  to 
show,  Mawruss,  that  when  the  police  threw  him 
out  of  the  hall  where  the  meeting  was  taking 
place  he  landed  on  his  wrist." 

"He  should  have  landed  on  his  neck,"  Morris 
observed,  "because  if  them  socialists  get  hurt  by 
their  nonsense  it's  their  own  fault,  Abe.  They 
go  to  work  and  announce  a  general  strike,  and 
naturally  the  authorities  takes  them  seriously 
and  gets  ready  for  trouble  with  a  lot  of  policemen, 
which  you  know  as  well  as  I  do,  Abe,  when  the 
police  gets  ready  for  trouble  they  usually  find  it, 

140 


THE  FIRST  DAY  OF  MAY 

even  if  they  have  to  make  it  themselves.  The 
consequence  is,  Abe,  that  a  fractured  skull  has 
become  practically  the  occupational  disease  of 
being  a  socialist,  just  the  same  as  phosphorus- 
poisoning  attacked  people  which  worked  in  match- 
factories  in  the  old  days  before  the  Swedish  manu 
facturers  invented  matches  which  strike  only  on 
the  box  one  time  out  of  fifty  if  the  weather  con 
ditions  is  just  right." 

"Sure,  I  know,"  Abe  observed,  "but  people 
worked  in  match-factories  because  they  couldn't 
make  a  living  in  any  other  way,  Mawruss,  whereas 
nobody  compels  any  one  to  be  a  socialist  if  he 
don't  want  to,  Mawruss,  and  what  enjoyment 
them  socialists  get  out  of  it  I  don't  know." 

"It  gives  them,  for  one  thing,  the  privilege  of 
wearing  a  red  necktie,"  Morris  suggested. 

"And  that  don't  make  them  a  first-class  risk 
for  accident  insurance,"  Abe  concluded,  "around 
the  first  of  May,  anyhow." 

11 


XV 

THE  PEACE  TREATY  AS  GOOD  READING 

'  AT  last  the  wind-up  of  this  here  Peace  Con- 
•**•  ference  seems  to  be  in  sight,  Mawruss," 
Abe  Potash  said  to  his  partner,  Morris  Perl- 
mutter,  the  day  after  the  Treaty  of  Peace  was 
handed  to  the  German  plenipotentiaries.  "As 
short  a  time  ago  since  as  last  week  it  begun  to  look 
like  our  American  delegates  was  going  to  stay  in 
Paris  for  the  rest  of  their  lives,  which,  according 
to  the  tables  of  mortality  prepared  by  some  of 
our  leading  life-insurance  companies,  based  on 
the  average  ages  of  all  five  of  them  delegates, 
would  be  anyhow  until  August  1,  1919." 

"Well,  they  seem  to  have  done  a  pretty  good 
job,  Abe,"  Morris  observed.  "I  read  over  the 
accounts  of  the  Treaty  of  Peace,  Abe,  and  what 
them  Germans  has  got  to  do  outside  of  restoring 
the  skull  of  the  Sultan  Okwawa  under  Section 
Eight  of  the  treaty  would  keep  her  busy  for 
fifty  years  yet." 

"And  who  is  this  here  Sultan  Okwawa?"  Abe 
inquired. 

"I  don't  know,"  Morris  replied,  "but,  consider 
ing  the  number  of  skulls  which  needs  restoring 
on  account  of  what  the  Germans  done  during  the 

142 


THE  PEACE  TREATY  AS  GOOD  READING 

past  five  years,  Abe,  and  also  considering  the  fact 
that  this  is  the  only  skull  mentioned  by  name  in 
the  Peace  Treaty,  he  must  of  had  some  pretty  in 
fluential  friends  at  the  Peace  Conference.  Also,  I 
see  that  the  Germans  is  also  to  give  back  the 
papers  belonging  to  M.  Reuher  which  they  took  in 
1871,  and,  although  Section  Eight  don't  say  noth 
ing  about  it,  I  presume  that  if  the  papers  are  re 
turned  the  finder  can  keep  the  money  which  was 
in  the  wallet  at  the  time  it  was  lost." 

"Do  you  mean  to  tell  me  that  this  here  Peace 
Treaty  has  got  such  small  particulars  like  that 
in  it?"  Abe  demanded. 

"It  don't  seem  to  have  overlooked  anything, 
Abe,"  Morris  went  on,  "which,  when  you  con 
sider  that  Mr.  Wilson  started  in — in  a  small  way— 
with  only  fourteen  points,  it's  already  wonderful 
how  that  man  worked  his  way  up.  There  must 
be  several  hundred  thousand  points  in  that  Peace 
Treaty,  including  such  points  like  the  Sultan's 
skull  and  this  here  Reuher's  papers,  which  Mr. 
Wilson  never  even  dreamed  of  when  he  sat  down 
that  day  in  January,  1918,  and  thought  out  the 
original  fourteen." 

"He  probably  considered  that  if  we  ever  licked 
Germany  sufficient  to  make  her  accept  as  much 
as  thirty-three  and  a  third  per  cent,  of  them 
fourteen  points  that  we  would  be  doing  well 
already,"  Abe  remarked. 

"And  so  did  everybody  else,"  Morris  agreed. 
"And  now  they  would  got  to  accept  a  Treaty  of 
Peace  which  loads  up  Germany  with  practically 

143 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

every  punishment  that  this  here  Peace  Conference 
could  think  of  except  Prohibition." 

"I  must  read  that  treaty  sometime,"  Abe 
said.  "It  sounds  like  it  would  be  quite  amusing 
already." 

"Amusing  ain't  no  name  for  it,"  Morris  said. 
"The  way  the  American  people  is  going  to  enjoy 
reading  that  Treaty  of  Peace,  Abe,  would  put 
Mr.  Wilson  not  only  in  the  class  of  favorite  Ameri 
can  Presidents  along  with  George  Washington 
and  Abraham  Lincoln,  but  also  would  give  him 
an  insured  position  as  one  of  America's  favorite 
authors  along  with  Harry  Bell  Wright  and  Brad- 
street.  A  good  American  could  pass  a  very 
profitable  month  or  so  skimming  it  over,  Abe, 
which  it  consists  of  fifteen  sections,  of  which  only 
the  head-lines  fills  three  full  pages  of  the  morn 
ing  papers." 

"  Well,  how  long  do  you  think  it  would  take  them 
German  delegates  to  read  it,  Mawruss?"  Abe 
inquired. 

"They  ain't  going  to  read  it,"  Morris  said. 
"They're  only  going  to  sign  it,  and  it  ain't  a  bad 
idea,  neither,  because  if  they  did  read  it,  Abe, 
some  of  them  Germans  would  drop  dead  along 
about  the  second  section,  which  describes  how 
much  of  Germany  is  left  after  France,  Poland, 
Denmark,  and  Belgium  gets  through  helping 
themselves." 

"Might  they  would  expire  while  they  was  read 
ing  the  first  section,  maybe,"  Abe  suggested. 

"The  first  section  'ain't  got  nothing  to  do  with 

144 


THE  PEACE  TREATY  AS  GOOD  READING 

Germany,"  Morris  explained.  "The  first  section 
consists  of  the  constitution  of  the  League  of 
Nations." 

"Is  that  the  same  constitution  of  the  League 
of  Nations  which  them  United  States  Senators 
raised  such  a  round  robin  about?"  Abe  asked. 

"It  has  been  changed  since  then,"  Morris  said. 
"The  amendments  consist  of  two  commas  con 
tributed  by  ex-President  Taft  and  a  semicolon 
from  Charles  Evans  Hughes.  Elihu  Root  also 
suggested  they  insert  the  words  as  aforesaid  in 
the  first  paragraph  and  also  the  words  anything 
hereinbefore  contained  to  the  contrary  notwithstand 
ing  in  the  last  paragraph,  but  couldn't  get  by 
with  it.  However,  Abe,  the  League  of  Nations 
is  already  such  old  stuff  that  people  reading  it  in 
Section  One  of  the  Peace  Treaty  will  in  all  proba 
bility  skip  it  the  way  they  did  the  first  tune  it 
come  out,  and,  anyhow,  the  real  Treaty  of  Peace, 
so  far  as  the  plot  and  action  is  concerned,  don't 
start  till  the  second  section." 

"Could  you  remember  any  of  the  second 
section?"  Abe  asked. 

"  That's  the  section  which  tells  about  how  much 
territory  Germany  gives  up  to  Poland,  France, 
Belgium,  and  Denmark,  and  after  it  goes  into 
effect,  Abe,  it  is  going  to  considerably  alter  the 
words,  if  not  the  music,  of  '  Deutschland,  Deutsch- 
land,  ueber  Alles?"  Morris  declared.  "It  also 
means,  Abe,  that  the  school-boys  who  used  to 
was  geography  sharks  and  could  bound  Germany 
right  off  the  reel,  Abe,  would  now  got  to  learn 

145 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

them  boundaries  all  over  again  and  then  take 
half  an  hour  or  so  to  tell  what  they've  learned. 
You  see,  Abe,  the  Danzig  area,  for  instance, 
consists  of  a  V  made  a  W  by  the  addition  of  a 
similar  V  on  the  west,  including  the  citv  of  Danzig 
and- 

" Excuse  me,"  Abe  interrupted,  "but  this  here 
sounds  like  a  clothing  alteration  to  me,  which,  if 
Germany's  boundary  was  made  smaller,  why  did 
they  got  to  put  a  couple  of  V's  into  it?" 

"The  V's  was  put  into  Poland's  boundary,  not 
Germany's,"  Morris  said. 

"And  I  bet  that  Poland  breathes  a  whole 
lot  easier  now  that  her  boundary  has  got  a  couple 
of  V's  in  it,"  Abe  commented. 

"Them  two  V's  ain't  all  Poland  gets,"  Morris 
continued.  "She  also  gets  the  southeastern  tip 
of  Silesia  beyond  and  including  Oppeln,  most  of 
Posen  and  West  Prussia,  and  a  line  is  drawn 
from—" 

"That's  all  right,"  Abe  said.  "I'll  take  your 
word  for  it,  Mawruss,  because,  while  that  might 
be  music  to  some  people's  ears,  when  it  comes  to 
geography  I  couldn't  tell  one  note  from  another. 
So  go  ahead  and  tell  me  what  is  in  the  next 
section." 

"The  next  section  is  also  got  in  it  a  little  com 
plicated  geography,  Abe,"  Morris  said.  "It 
practically  repeats  what  was  said  in  the  last 
section  about  how  much  territory  Germany  gives 
up,  and  then  proceeds  to  rub  it  in.  You  know, 
of  course,  about  the  Sarre  Basin." 

146 


THE  PEACE  TREATY  AS  GOOD  READING 

"I  say  I  do,  but  don't  let  that  stop  you,"  Abe 
replied.  "Go  ahead  and  describe  it  to  me  just 
like  as  if  I  didn't." 

"Well,  to  make  a  long  story  short  before  I  tell 
it,  Abe,"  Morris  said,  "the  Sarre  Valley,  which 
in  Germany  is  like  the  Scranton  and  Wilkes- 
Barre  section  in  Pennsylvania,  is  to  be  practically 
owned  by  France  for  fifteen  years.  At  the  end 
of  that  time,  an  election  is  going  to  be  held  and 
the  people  will  vote  as  to  whether  they  want  to 
stay  French  or  go  back  to  Germany." 

"And  I  suppose  France  will  count  the  votes," 
Abe  commented,  "in  which  case  she  will  probably 
appoint  a  board  of  elections  consisting  of  whoever 
happens  to  be  the  Philadelphia  director  of  public 
safety  at  that  time,  the  leader  of  the  Eighth 
Assembly  District  of  New  York  City,  and  a 
couple  of  Chicago  aldermen,  Mawruss." 

"The  Treaty  of  Peace  don't  provide  for  it," 
Morris  said,  "but  if  any  odds  are  quoted  on  the 
Curb,  Abe,  it  wouldn't  be  on  the  result,  but 
the  size  of  the  majority.  There  is  also  the  same 
kind  of  an  election  to  be  held  in  Schleswig-Hol- 
stein,  without  much  chance  of  a  recount  taking 
place,  either,  but  so  far  as  the  rest  of  Sections 
Three,  Four,  and  Five  is  concerned,  Abe,  Ger 
many  gives  up  all  her  interests  in  every  part  of 
the  world  without  the  privilege  of  even  having 
all  those  in  favor  please  saying  Aye,  y'under- 
stand." 

"It  would  have  made  a  big  noise,  anyhow," 
Abe  declared.  "Because  the  only  people  who 

147 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

ain't  in  favor  of  Germany  giving  up  her  colonies 
is  Germans,  and  not  all  Germans  at  that." 

"However,  what  happens  to  Germany  in  the 
first  five  sections  of  this  here  Peace  Treaty,  Abe, 
is  only,  so  to  speak,  the  soup  and  entree  of  the  meal 
which  the  Allies  makes  of  her,"  Morris  said. 
"Section  Six  is  where  the  real  knife-and-fork  work 
begins,  Abe,  which  it  starts  right  in  with  the 
German  army  and  reduces  it  to  the  size  of  the 
Salvation  Army,  exclusive  of  the  doughnut-cook 
ing  department." 

"I'm  surprised  that  you  should  compare  the 
Salvation  Army  to  a  low-life  army  like  the  German 
army,"  Abe  protested. 

"I  am  only  talking  for  the  sake  of  argument, 
Abe,"  Morris  assured  him,  "which  if  this  here 
Section  Six  is  carried  out,  Abe,  the  new  German 
army  wouldn't  be  armed  with  anything  near  as 
dangerous  as  doughnuts.  In  fact,  Abe,  the  way 
this  here  Peace  Treaty  specifies  what  arms  and 
ammunition  the  German  army  should  be  supplied 
with,  the  only  thing  that  it  would  got  to  remind  it 
that  it  is  an  army  and  not  a  Sangerbund  would  be 
the  uniforms." 

"And  I  am  surprised  that  the  Peace  Treaty 
didn't  forbid  uniforms  also,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said, 
"because  if  it  wouldn't  of  been  for  his  uniforms, 
Mawruss,  the  chances  is  that  the  German  people 
would  of  caught  on  to  that  miserable  four-flusher 
of  a  Kaiser  already  long  since  ago,  Mawruss. 
Take  these  here  spiked  helmets,  in  particular  the 
ones  which  is  made  of  nickel  plate,  Mawruss,  and 

148 


THE  PEACE  TREATY  AS  GOOD  READING 

only  to  wear  such  a  thing  is  liable  to  bring  out  all 
the  meanness  in  them  naturally  mean  German 
soldiers,  Mawruss,  so  therefore  I  am  in  favor 
that  the  Peace  Treaty  be  amended  by  providing 
that  the  uniform  of  the  German  army  should  be  a 
three-button,  black,  single-breasted  sack  suit  with 
no  padding  in  the  shoulders,  Mawruss,  and  the  hel 
met  should  be  a  brown  derby  hat  of  the  pattern 
of  1898,  and  that  the  soldiers  agree  to  wear  this 
derby  hat,  of  the  same  block  and  width  of  brim, 
for  at  least  twenty  years,  Mawruss,  because 
nothing  takes  the  conceit  out  of  a  man  so  much  as 
wearing  a  funny-looking  hat,  y 'understand." 

"This  here  Peace  Treaty  don't  need  no  outside 
assistance  when  it  comes  to  taking  the  conceit 
out  of  the  German  army,  and  the  navy,  neither, 
Abe,"  Morris  continued.  "In  fact,  Section  Six 
does  the  same  to  the  German  navy  as  you  would 
like  to  do  to  the  German  army,  excepting  that, 
instead  of  derby  hats,  it  refers  to  battle-ships. 
In  other  words,  Abe,  it  says  that  the  German 
navy  should  have  only  six  small  battle-ships  and 
that  none  of  them  could  be  replaced  inside  of 
twenty  years.  Just  consider  for  a  moment  how 
it  feels  for  a  speed-bug  which  once  used  to  con 
sider  that  if  he  didn't  buy  himself  every  three 
months  a  new  special-body  twin  six,  y'under 
stand,  that  he  was  living  pretty  close  to  the 
cushion,  and  condemn  such  a  feller  to  go  round 
for  the  next  twenty  years  in  a  four-cylinder  1910- 
model  Punkocar,  Abe,  and  you  will  get  some  small 
idea  of  what  Admiral  von  Tirpitz  and  all  them 

149 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

other  bloodthirsty  German  admirals  feels  when 
they  read  that  part  of  Section  Six  which  refers  to 
the  new  German  navy." 

"That  wasn't  the  way  they  used  to  feel,*'  Abe 
declared.  "Up  to  a  few  days  ago,  Mawruss, 
von  Tirpitz  and  Hindenburg  and  all  them  other 
German  army  and  navy  experts  was  treating 
this  war  like  it  would  of  been  a  pinochle  game, 
and  each  of  them  was  busy  explaining  by  post 
mortems  how  if  his  partner  hadn't  played  the 
hand  rotten  they  would  have  won  by  three  points, 
not  counting  the  last  trick,  but  what  are  you  going 
to  do  with  a  Strohschneider  like  that,  and  so  forth." 

"Did  they  mention  anything  about  playing 
with  marked  cards?"  Morris  asked. 

"They  did  not,"  Abe  said,  "nor  did  they  say 
anything  about  having  stacked  the  cards  or  deal 
ing  off  of  the  bottom  of  the  deck,  Mawruss,  but 
you  would  think  from  the  way  them  fellers  acted 
at  Versailles,  Mawruss,  that  this  here  Peace 
Conference  is  the  breakup  of  a  nice  little  friendly 
game,  y'understand,  and  that  not  only  should  the 
winners  take  I.  O.  U's.  from  the  losers,  but  that 
it  is  also  up  to  the  winners  to  serve  a  good  deli 
catessen  supper  and  pay  for  the  lights  and  at 
tendance." 

"That  must  have  been  before  they  heard  about 
the  capora  which  is  in  store  for  them  under  Section 
Seven  of  this  here  Peace  Treaty,  Abe,"  Morris 
said,  "which  in  order  that  there  shouldn't  be  any 
softening  of  the  sound  to  them  German  cauli 
flower  ears,  Abe,  the  words  one  billion  ain't  used 

150 


THE  PEACE  TREATY  AS  GOOD  READING 

at  all,  but  instead  it  speaks  about  a  thousand 
million  pounds,  Abe,  and,  while  it  ain't  any  harder 
to  raise  than  one  billion  pounds,  it  certainly  gives 
you  the  impression  that  it  is.'* 

"And  how  many  of  these  thousands  of  millions 
of  pounds  must  the  German  people  got  to  pay 
before  they  get  through?"  Abe  asked. 

"That  the  Peace  Treaty  don't  say,  Abe,"  Morris 
replied.  "It  leaves  the  fixing  of  the  total  amount 
for  a  commission  to  be  appointed  later,  Abe,  and 
the  German  people  will  be  notified  of  their  lia 
bilities  not  later  than  May  1,  1921;  but  in  the 
mean  time,  Abe,  just  to  keep  up  their  spirits  they 
would  got  to  pay  a  few  instalments  of  one  thousand 
million  pounds  each." 

"But  if  the  instalments  is  one  thousand  million 
pounds  each,  Mawruss,  what  do  you  think  will 
be  the  grand  total  which  Germany  would  have 
to  pay?"  Abe  asked. 

"About  the  same  grand  total  as  the  Allies 
would  have  been  obliged  to  pay  if  Germany  had 
won,"  Morris  replied. 

"And  how  much  would  that  have  been?"  Abe 
inquired. 

"All  they  could  raise,  Abe,"  Morris  concluded, 
"plus  ten  per  cent." 


XVI 

THE    GERMAN    ROMAN    HOLIDAY    AND    THE    AMERIr 
CANlZATION   OF  AMERICANS 

'  T  WAS  speaking  to  my  wife's  sister's  boy  which 

•1  he  is  just  getting  ready  to  gradgawate  from 
High  School,  Mawruss,  and  I  wish  you  could  hear 
the  way  that  feller  talks,  Mawruss,"  Abe  Potash 
said  to  his  partner,  Morris  Perlmutter. 

"I  shall  probably  got  to  have  that  pleasure, 
Abe,"  Morris  Perlmutter  replied,  "because  the 
first  thing  your  wife's  relations  does  when  they 
gradgawate  from  school  or  go  broke,  as  the  case 
may  be,  is  to  get  a  job  in  this  place  and  the  second 
thing  they  do  is  to  get  fired." 

"Listen,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said,  "if  I  would  of 
given  jobs  in  this  place  to  the  number  of  relations 
by  marriage  which  you  already  stuck  me  with, 
y 'understand,  I  might  just  so  well  run  a  free  busi 
ness  college  and  be  done  with  it,  which  what  I  was 
going  to  say  was  that  this  here  young  feller  was 
telling  me  that  in  the  old  days  when  the  Romans 
won  a  war  the  way  the  Allies  did,  they  used  to 
make  the  losers  walk  in  a  parade  so  that  the  Roman 
people  could  see  how  them  losers  suffered." 

"And  what's  that  got  to  do  with  my  giving 
jobs  to  my  wife's  relations?"  Morris  inquired. 

152 


THE  GERMAN  ROMAN  HOLIDAY 

"  It  'ain't  got  nothing  to  do  with  it,  but  if  you 
would  let  me  open  my  mouth  once  in  a  while 
and  not  try  to  gag  me  every  time  I  want  to  tell 
you  something,  Mawruss,"  Abe  continued,  "may 
be  I  could  learn  you  something." 

"Maybe,"  Morris  admitted,  "but  when  you 
start  in  to  tell  about  how  smart  one  of  your 
nephews  by  marriage  is,  Abe,  it  generally  ends  up 
by  our  paying  a  few  weeks'  salary  to  a  young  feller 
which  all  he  learned  about  double  entry  is  making 
birds  with  a  pen,  so  I  just  want  to  warn  you 
before  you  go  any  further,  Abe,  that  in  the  future 
with  me,  Abe,  if  any  of  your  nephews  is  an  expert 
bird-maker  with  a  pen,  y 'understand,  you  should 
please  find  him  a  job  in  a  millinery  concern  and 
let  me  out." 

"I  wasn't  going  to  say  nothing  about  giving  a 
job  to  nobody,"  Abe  protested.  "All  I  am  try 
ing  to  tell  you  is  that  if  the  Treaty  of  Peace,  which 
you  talked  my  head  off  about  the  other  day, 
contained  a  section  that  the  Germans  should 
walk  in  a  parade  and  show  to  the  Allies  how  that 
Peace  Treaty  made  them  suffer,  Mawruss,  Lenine 
and  Trotsky  and  all  the  other  crickets  who  abuse 
Mr.  Wilson  like  the  New  York  Republican  news 
papers  and  the  American  ladies  who  are  attending 
that  Zurich  Permanent  Peace  Convention,  would 
of  called  the  Allies  all  sorts  of  barbarians,  y 'under 
stand.  However,  Mawruss,  it  only  goes  to  show 
how  unnecessary  such  a  section  in  the  Peace  Treaty 
would  be,  Mawruss,  because  the  Germans  is  now 
obliging  with  a  wonderful  Roman  exhibition  of 

153 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

themselves.  In  fact,  Mawruss,  from  the  lowest 
to  the  highest,  them  German  people  seems  to  be 
saying  to  each  other,  'Let's  act  like  real  Ger 
mans  and  make  the  worst  of  it ! ' ' 

"Did  any  one  expect  anything  else  from  them 
Germans?"  Morris  asked. 

"Well,  from  the  way  this  here  four-flusher  von 
Brockdorff-Rantzau  behaved  the  day  they  handed 
him  the  Peace  Treaty,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said, 
"it  looked  like  the  Germans  had  made  up  their 
minds  to  be  just  so  stiff-necked  as  they  always 
was,  Mawruss,  and  I  begun  to  think  that  they 
were  going  to  treat  it  as  a  case  of  so  mechullak, 
so  mechullah,  y'understand,  but  the  way  them 
Germans  is  now  crying  like  children,  Mawruss, 
there  ain't  going  to  be  enough  sackcloth  and 
ashes  in  Germany  to  go  around,  and  them  Ger 
man  professors  will  have  to  get  busy  and  invent 
some  ersatz  sackcloth  and  ashes  to  supply  the 
demand." 

"Crooks  are  always  poor  sports,  Abe,"  Morris 
declared,  "in  particular  when  they  throw  them 
selves  on  the  mercy  of  the  people  that  they  didn't 
intend  to  show  no  mercy  to  themselves.  Take 
this  here  Ebert,  for  instance,  and  he  don't  make 
no  bones  about  saying  that  the  German  people 
relied  on  President  Wilson  and  the  United  States 
of  America  being  easy  marks,  but  ai  Tzuris, 
what  a  mistake  that  was!  In  effect  he  says  that 
President  WTilson  on  January  22,  1917,  made  the 
statement  that  the  victor  must  not  force  his 
conditions  on  the  vanquished,  and  relying  on 

154 


THE  GERMAN  ROMAN  HOLIDAY 

that  statement,  Germany  went  to  work  and  got 
into  a  war  with  the  United  States  because  if 
Germany  got  licked,  y'understand,  the  worst 
that  can  happen  her  is  that  she  makes  peace  again 
on  her  own  terms,  and  then  when  Germany  did 
get  licked,  see  what  happens  to  her.  President 
Wilson  behaves  like  a  frozen  snake  in  the  grass 
which  somebody  tries  to  warm  by  putting  the 
snake  into  his  pants  pocket,  y'understand,  and 
when  the  snake  gets  thawed  out,  understand  me, 
it  bites  the  hand  that  feeds  it,  and  what  are  you 
going  to  do  in  a  case  like  this?" 

"At  that,  Mawruss,  Ebert  ain't  making  near  so 
bad  an  exhibition  of  himself  as  this  here  Prince 
von  Hohenlohe.  There  was  a  feller  which  was 
used  to  was  the  German  Chancellor,  Mawruss," 
Abe  said,  "and  the  dirty  deals  which  he  helped 
to  put  over  on  the  Rumanians  and  the  Russians, 
by  way  of  Treaties  of  Peace,  y'understand,  was 
such  that  if  we  would  of  attempted  it  with  the 
Germans,  Mawruss,  and  the  United  States  Con 
gress  would  of  confirmed  it,  MawTruss,  Victor 
Berger  would  be  fighting  to  be  let  out  of  the 
House  of  Representatives  and  to  be  admitted 
to  Leavenworth,  instead  of  vice  versa,  on  the 
grounds  that  he  didn't  want  to  associate  with  no 
crooks,  y'understand,  but  seemingly  this  here 
Hohenlohe  is  suffering  from  loss  of  memory  as 
well  as  loss  of  self-respect,  Mawruss,  because  he 
is  now  making  speeches  in  which  he  is  weeping 
all  over  his  already  tear-stained  copy  of  the  Peace 
Treaty  and  calling  it  the  Tragedy  of  Versailles, 

12  155 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

whereas  compared  to  the  Treaty  of  Peace  which 
you  might  call  the  Tragedy  of  Brest-Litovsk, 
Mawruss,  this  here  Versailles  Treaty  of  Peace  is 
a  Follies  of  1919  with  just  one  laugh  after  another, 
y'understand." 

"And  I  see  also  where  this  here  Scheidemann  is 
also  figuring  very  largely  in  this  here  Roman 
exhibition  the  Germans  is  making  of  themselves, 
Abe,"  Morris  observed.  "He  said  the  other  day 
that  the  Germans  would  never,  never,  never — 
or  anyhow  not  until  next  Thursday  a  week — 
sign  the  Peace  Treaty.  He  put  his  hand  on 
where  a  German's  heart  would  be  if  he  had  one, 
Abe,  and  said  that  no  Germans  would  positively 
and  absolutely  not  submit  to  any  such  Treaty 
of  Peace  as  the  one  offered  to  them,  or  that  is  to 
say  they  would  not  submit  to  it  except  on  and 
after  May  22,  1919,  and  anyhow,  nobody  would 
ever  trust  President  Wilson  again." 

"And  yet,  Mawruss,  when  them  Germans  gets 
over  the  first  shock  of  this  here  Peace  Treaty 
and  wipe  away  their  tears  sufficient  to  see  things 
a  little  more  clearly,  y'understand,"  Abe  com 
mented,  "it  is  just  barely  possible  that  they  are 
going  to  do  some  rapid  figuring  on  what  they  gain 
by  not  supporting  a  few  thousand  princes,  not 
to  mention  the  money  which  that  bloodthirsty 
Kaiser  and  his  family  used  to  draw  in  salaries  and 
commissions,  Mawruss,  and  when  these  amounts 
are  offset  against  indemnities  which  the  Germans 
are  required  to  pay  under  the  Peace  Treaty, 
Mawruss,  it  will  in  all  probability  be  found  that 

156 


THE  GERMAN  ROMAN  HOLIDAY 

the  German  nation  is  beggared,  as  this  here 
Scheidemann  would  say,  to  the  extent  of  $0.831416 
per  capita  per  annum  by  such  indemnities.  The 
result  is  going  to  be  that  some  of  them  Germans 
will  then  begin  to  figure  how  maybe  it  was  worth 
that  much  money  per  capita  per  annum  to  get  rid 
of  that  rosher  and  they  will  also  begin  to  realize 
that  it  has  been  worth  even  more  than  that 
much  per  capita  per  annum  to  the  Allied  people 
to  see  a  performance  such  as  the  German  people 
continuing  to  weep  in  sympathy  with  Ebert  and 
Scheidemann,  y'understand,  they  will  be  advising 
them  two  boys  to  go  and  take  for  ten  cents  apiece 
some  mathematic  spirits  of  ammonia  and  quit 
their  sobbing." 

"However,  Abe,"  Morris  remarked,  "there  was 
a  few  Americans  which  instead  of  being  in  the 
audience  enjoying  the  performance  was  back 
on  the  stage  with  the  Germans  and  weeping 
just  so  hard  as  any  of  them.  Take  these  here 
American  lady  delegates  to  the  small-time  Peace 
Conference  which  is  running  at  Zurich,  Switzer 
land,  in  opposition  to  the  old  original  Peace  Con 
ference  in  Paris,  Abe,  and  them  ladies  with  their 
voices  choked  by  tears,  Abe,  passed  a  resolution 
that  be  it  resolved  that  the  Peace  Treaty  is  already 
secret  diplomacy,  that  it  is  the  old  case  of  the  side 
winning  the  war  getting  the  spoils,  and  a  lot  of 
other  resolutions  to  which  the  only  resolution 
anybody  could  pass  in  answer  to  such  resolutions 
would  be,  'Well,  what  of  it?" 

"That  only  proves  to  me,  Mawruss,  how  nec- 

157 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

essary  it  is,  this  here  Americanization  work  which 
you  read  so  much  about  in  the  papers,"  Abe 
declared.  "Here  is  four  American  ladies  which 
is  lived  in  the  country  for  some  years — in  fact, 
ever  since  they  was  born,  and  that  ain't  such  a 
short  tune  neither,  when  you  see  their  pictures, 
Mawruss,  and  yet  them  ladies  talks  like  they 
never  heard  tell  of  the  Star-spangled  Banner. 
Seemingly  the  fact  that  we  licked  Germany  don't 
appeal  to  them  at  all,  and  so  far  as  these  resolutions 
which  they  passed  between  sobs,  Mawruss,  gives 
any  indications,  Mawruss,  they  would  like  to 
have  seen  this  here  European  War  end  in  a  draw, 
with  perhaps  Germany  getting  just  a  shade  the 
better  of  it." 

"And  what  has  all  this  got  to  do  with  Ameri 
canization  work,  Abe?"  Morris  inquired.  "I 
always  thought  that  Americanization  was  taking 
the  greenhorns  which  comes  to  this  country  from 
Europe,  and  teaching  them  how  to  think  and 
act  like  Americans." 

"That  comes  afterward,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said, 
"because  it  seems  that  ever  since  this  here  Euro 
pean  War,  Mawruss,  Americanization  needs  to 
begin  at  home,  Mawruss,  and  that  the  first  ones 
to  be  Americanized  should  ought  to  be  Americans. 
There  is,  for  instance,  Mr.  O.  G.  Villard,  who  was 
born  and  raised  in  this  country,  Mawruss,  which 
he  comes  out  with  a  statement  the  other 
day  that  them  loafers  of  the  Munich  soviet  who 
killed  all  them  professors  and  ladies  a  couple 
of  weeks  ago,  compared  very  favorably  with  the 

158 


THE  GERMAN  ROMAN  HOLIDAY 

legislatures  of  the  states  of  New  York  and  Penn 
sylvania,  Mawruss.  Now  when  you  consider 
that  them  two  legislatures  is  part  of  our  govern 
ment,  Mawruss,  the  way  it  looks  to  me  is  that 
if  a  foreigner  had  said  such  a  thing  he  would  have 
been  Americanized  without  the  option  of  a  fine 
by  the  nearest  city  magistrate." 

"At  the  same  time,  Abe,"  Morris  said,  "when 
you  read  in  the  papers  about  the  New  York 
State  Senator  Thompson  and  the  goings-on  up 
in  Albany,  Abe,  it  looks  like  Americanization 
should  ought  to  be  done  at  the  source,  y 'under 
stand,  and  then  it  wouldn't  be  necessary  to 
Americanize  Mr.  Villard  at  all." 

"Sure,  I  know,  Mawruss,"  Abe  agreed,  "but 
what  I  am  driving  into  is  that  Americanization 
for  Americans  must  appeal  very  strongly  to 
colored  Americans,  especially  the  Americaniza 
tion  of  those  Americans  who  believe  that  the 
colored  man  should  ought  to  be  put  in  his  place 
and  don't  hesitate  about  designating  the  place 
as  the  end  of  a  rope  without  the  trouble  and 
expense  of  a  jury  trial,  y 'understand." 

"I  would  even  get  a  little  more  personal  as 
that,  Abe,"  Morris  declared.  "I  would  even  say 
that  there  should  ought  to  be  classes  in  Ameri 
canization  for  those  Americans  who  believe  that  the 
religion  and  race  origin  of  certain  other  Amer 
icans  makes  them  eligible  to  give  their  children's 
lives  to  the  country  and  their  money  to  Red 
Cross  and  other  War  Drives — but  that  it  don't 
make  them  eligible  to  stay  at  first-class  sum- 

159 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

mer  hotels  or  play  golluf  by  first-class  country 
clubs." 

"Say,"  Abe  broke  in,  "there  is  need  of  more 
important  Americanization  among  Americans  than 
that,  Mawruss.  There  should  ought  to  be  Ameri 
canization  of  Americans  who  think  it  is  American 
for  landlords  to  ask  for  raises  of  their  rent  and 
un-American  for  workmen  to  ask  for  raises  of  their 
wages.  In  fact,  this  whole  Americanization  move 
ment  should  ought  to  be  centered  on  American 
izing  out  of  Americans  any  habits,  customs,  or 
schemes  they  try  to  put  across  which  is  apt  to 
make  Polish-Americans,  Italian-Americans,  Jew 
ish-Americans  or  Assorted  Foreign-Americans  say 
to  one  another,  'Well,  if  that's  the  way  Ameri 
cans  behave,  give  me  back  my  hyphen  and  let 
me  go  home.'" 

"Well,  after  all,  Abe,  it's  a  mighty  small  bunch 
of  Americans  which  ain't  Americanized  yet," 
Morris  observed. 

"I  know  it,"  Abe  said,  "and  it's  their  smallness 
which  makes  me  sore,  Mawruss,  because  no  matter 
how  small  they  are  by  number,  or  nature,  Mawruss, 
they  are  the  ones  that  the  Turks  pulled  on  us 
when  we  protested  about  them  poor  Armenians 
nebich.  Also,  Mawruss,  if  Mr.  Wilson  should 
protest  that  the  new  Polish  Republic  ain't  treat 
ing  our  people  as  equals,  y 'understand,  the  new 
Polish  Republic  could  come  right  back  with: 
'Neither  is  any  number  of  summer  hotels  we 
could  name  in  the  Adirondacks  Mountains  of 
your  own  United  States.'  Also,  if  the  Peace 

160 


THE   GERMAN  ROMAN  HOLIDAY 

Delegates  from  this  country  gives  a  hint  to  the 
Greeks  that  there  is  colonies  of  Bulgarians  living 
in  Greece  for  years  already  which  wants  to  be 
Greeks  and  should  ought  to  have  the  same  voting 
rights  as  Greeks,  y'understand,  all  Venezuela  or 
whatever  the  Greek  secretary  of  state  has  got  to 
say  is,  'Well,  we  hold  that  these  people  'ain't 
got  a  right  to  vote  under  a  law  called  the  Grand 
father  Law,  which  we  copied  from  similar  laws 
passed  in  the  states  of  Georgia,  Alabama,  and 
Mississippi — in  your  own  United  States/  and 
them  poor  old  Peace  Delegates  of  ours  wouldn't 
have  a  word  to  say." 

"At  that,  Abe,  I  think  all  them  disagreeable 
things  in  this  country  is  going  to  be  changed  by 
the  war,"  Morris  suggested. 

"Perhaps,  Mawruss,"  Abe  concluded,  "but 
considering  what  changes  have  taken  place  be 
cause  of  this  war,  it's  wonderful  how  little  changed 
things  really  are." 


XVII 

MR.     WILSON'S     FAVOR     OF     THE     20TH     ULTO.     AND 
CONTENTS   NOTED 

"T/'ES,  Mawruss,"  Abe  Potash  said  to  his  part- 

•»•  ner,  Morris  Perhnutter,  one  morning  re 
cently,  "a  feller  which  has  got  to  write  to  the 
newspaper  to  say  that  he  didn't  say  what  the 
newspaper  said  he  said  when  it  reported  his 
speech,  y'understand,  has  usually  made  a  pretty 
rotten  speech  in  the  first  place,  and  in  the  second 
place  when  he  tries  to  explain  what  it  really  was 
that  he  did  say,  Mawruss,  it  practically  always 
sounds  worse  than  what  the  newspaoer  said  he 
said." 

"But  what  did  he  say  and  who  said  it,  Abe?" 
Morris  inquired. 

"Ambassador  Morgenstimmung  or  Morgen- 
stern,  I  couldn't  remember  which,  Mawruss," 
Abe  replied,  "and  although  he  'ain't  wrote  to  the 
newspapers  yet  to  deny  that  he  said  it,  Mawruss, 
it  is  only  a  question  of  time  when  he  would  do  so, 
because  he  either  said  one  thing  or  the  other, 
but  he  couldn't  say  both." 

"Listen,  Abe,  if  you  think  that  unless  you  break 
it  to  me  gradually  what  this  here  Morgenstern 
said,  it  would  be  too  much  of  a  shock  to  me," 

162 


MR.   WILSON'S  FAVOR 

Morris  announced,  "let  me  tell  you  that  it  is  a 
matter  of  indifference  to  me  what  he  said." 

"So  it  is  to  'most  everybody  else  except  the 
immediate  family,  Mawruss,"  Abe  continued,  "but 
not  to  keep  you  in  suspense,  Mawruss,  what  this 
Ambassador  Morgenstern  said  was  in  a  speech 
to  the  American  soldiers  in  Coblenz  where  he 
told  them  that  there  was  going  to  be  another 
big  war  in  which  America  would  got  to  fight 
during  the  next  fifteen  or  twenty  years,  and  also 
that  he  had  every  confidence  in  the  League  of 
Nations." 

"Well,  there's  a  whole  lot  of  United  States 
Senators  which  has  got  the  same  kind  of  con 
fidence  in  the  League  of  Nations,  Abe,"  Morris 
declared.  "In  fact,  some  of  them  is  confident 
that  the  League  of  Nations  will  bring  about  a 
war  for  us  in  even  less  than  fifteen  years." 

"Well,  I'll  tell  you,"  Abe  said,  "the  word  con 
fidence  has  got  a  whole  lot  of  different  meanings, 
Mawruss,  and  it's  quite  possible  that  this  here 
Ambassador  Morgenstern  used  the  word  with 
reference  to  the  League  of  Nations  in  its  Chatham 
Square  or  green-goods  meaning,  because  otherwise 
how  could  the  League  of  Nations  cause  another 
war  in  less  than  fifteen  years,  unless,  of  course, 
the  feller  which  prophesied  it  was  a  Republican 
Senator,  which  Mr.  Morgenstern  is  not." 

"To  tell  you  the  truth,  Abe,"  Morris  said,  "I 
have  heard  and  read  so  many  different  things 
about  this  here  League  of  Nations  that  it  wouldn't 
surprise  me  in  the  least  if  the  final  edition  of  it 

163 


POTASH  AND  PERLMTJTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

provided  that  any  nation  which  didn't  go  to  war 
at  least  once  every  three  years  with  some  other 
nation  or  nations,  y 'understand,  should  be  expelled 
from  the  League  of  Nations  with  costs,  y'under- 
stand,  and  in  fact,  Abe,  it  is  my  opinion  that  when 
some  one  makes  a  speech  about  this  here  League 
of  Nations  nowadays,  he  might  just  so  well  write 
a  letter  to  himself  denying  that  he  said  what  the 
newspaper  said  he  said,  and  let  it  go  at  that, 
because  it's  a  hundred  to  one  that  he  was  the  only 
person  who  didn't  skip  it  when  it  was  printed 
in  its  original  garbled  condition." 

"At  that,  Mawruss,  you  are  going  to  be  really 
and  truly  surprised  to  find  out  what  that  League 
of  Nations  covenant  means  when  it  comes  up  to  be 
argued  about  by  the  United  States  Senate,"  Abe 
observed,  "because  a  great  many  of  them  Senators 
is  high-grade,  crackerjack,  A-number-one  lawyers 
on  the  side,  Mawruss,  and  formerly  used  to  make 
their  livings  by  showing  that  the  contract  which 
the  plaintiff  made  with  the  defendant  meant  just 
the  opposite  to  what  the  plaintiff  or  defendant 
meant  it  to  mean — or  vice  versa,  according  to 
which  end  of  the  lawsuit  such  a  Senator  was 
arguing  on,  Mawniss,  so  you  can  imagine  what 
is  going  to  happen  to  that  League  of  Nations 
covenant.  Take  a  level-headed  lawyer  like  Sena 
tor  Hiram  S.  Johnson  of  California,  Mawruss, 
which  he  'ain't  got  the  least  disposition  to  believe 
that  the  League  of  Nations  covenant  means  what 
President  Wilson  says  it  means,  understand  me, 
and  when  he  gets  through  showing  what  he  thinks 

164 


MR.  WILSON'S  FAVOR 

it  means,  and  Senator  Borah  gets  through  showing 
what  he  thinks  it  means,  and  Senator  Reed  gets 
through  thinking  what  HE  thinks  it  means,  under 
stand  me,  that  League  of  Nations  covenant  will 
have  as  many  different  meanings  as  the  con 
tested  last  will  and  testament  of  a  childless  million 
aire  who  has  married  a  telephone  operator  on  his 
death-bed  to  spite  his  grandnieces  and  nephews, 
Mawruss." 

"Congress  will  have  a  lot  of  other  matters  to 
settle  before  that  League  of  Nations  comes  up, 
Abe,"  Morris  said,  "which  I  was  reading  the  other 
day  the  message  which  President  Wilson  wrote 
from  Paris,  and  he  certainly  laid  out  a  lot  of  work 
for  them  to  do  till  he  gets  back." 

"You  mean  that  letter  of  May  20th  where  he 
says:  'Dear  Gents:  Sorry  not  to  be  with  you 
and  I  have  been  out  of  touch  with  things  over  in 
America  so  long  that  you  will  know  a  whole  lot 
better  than  I  do  what  is  needed  in  the  way  of 
laws,'  Mawruss,  and  then  goes  to  work  and  tells 
them  what  is  needed  to  the  extent  of  half  a  news- 
paperful?"  Abe  asked. 

"I  couldn't  remember  the  exact  words,"  Morris 
replied. 

"Well,  I've  been  expecting  every  day  to  see  in 
the  newspapers  that  he  got  an  answer  from  the 
round  robins  reading:  'Dear  Sir:  Yours  of  the  20th 
inst.  to  hand  and  contents  noted  and  in  reply 
would  say  we  wouldn't  positively  do  nothing  of 
the  kind,  and  in  case  you  are  not  back  with 
samples  on  or  before  ten  days  from  date,  we  will 

165 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

take  such  steps  as  we  may  think  proper  to  pro 
tect  our  interests  in  the  matter  and  oblige,'"  Abe 
said,  "because  if  you  will  remember,  Mawruss, 
them  round  robins  wanted  Mr.  Wilson  to  let  the 
Senate  go  on  making  laws  while  he  was  away, 
and  the  President  says,  'You  couldn't  make 
no  laws  till  I  get  back,'  and  then  when  them  round 
robins  asked  him  when  he  would  be  back,  he 
said,  'I'll  be  back  when  I  am  back,'  and  now  he 
ain't  back,  and  he  has  got  to  ask  them  round 
robins  to  go  to  work  with  the  other  Senators  and 
Congressmen  and  make  the  laws  which  they 
wanted  to  make  in  the  first  place,  Mawruss." 

"Then  it  is  going  to  be  some  time  before  he 
gets  back  if  any  such  a  deadlock  like  that  hap 
pened,  Abe,"  Morris  said,  "because  I  see  where  it 
says  in  the  papers  that  Mr.  Wilson  won't  come 
back  until  he  has  signed  the  treaties  of  peace  with 
Germany  and  Austria,  and  France  and  England 
won't  agree  to  finish  up  the  treaties  for  Mr.  Wil 
son's  signature  until  they  know  that  the  United 
States  Senate  wrill  ratify  them  and  the  United 
States  Senate  won't  ratify  them  until  they  are 
finished  up  and  submitted  to  them  signed  by  Mr. 
Wilson,  and  then  I  didn't  read  no  more  about  it, 
Abe,  because  I  begun  to  get  dizzy." 

"I  very  often  get  that  way  myself  nowadays 
when  I  am  reading  in  the  newspapers,  Mawruss," 
Abe  said,  "in  particular  when  they  print  them 
full  texts,  like  the  full  text  of  the  League  of  Na 
tions  Covenant  or  the  full  text  of  the  President's 
message.  Former  times  when  the  papers  had  in 

166 


MR.   WILSON'S   FAVOR 

'em  straight  murders  and  bank  robberies  from 
the  inside  or  out,  Mawruss,  and  you  sat  opposite 
somebody  in  the  Subway  who  had  to  move  his 
lips  while  he  was  reading,  you  took  it  for  granted 
that  he  was  an  ignoramus  which  had  to  hear 
them  simple  words  pronounced,  even  if  it  was  by 
his  own  lips,  before  he  could  understand  them, 
Mawruss,  but  you  take  this  here  letter  of  the  20th 
inst.,  Mawruss,  and  when  you  read  where  Presi 
dent  Wilson  says  with  reference  to  telephone  and 
telegraph  rates,  Mawruss,  *  there  are  many  con 
fusions  and  inconsistencies  of  rates.  The  scien 
tific  means  by  which  communication  by  such 
instrumentalities  could  rendered  more  thorough 
and  satisfactory  has  not  been  made  full  use  of,' 
understand  me,  you  could  move  your  lips,  your 
scalp,  Heaven  and  Earth,  Mawruss,  and  still 
you  couldn't  tell  what  Mr.  Wilson  was  driving 
into." 

"Well,  I  glanced  over  that  Message  myself, 
Abe,"  Morris  said,  "and  the  capital  I's  was 
sticking  up  all  through  it  like  toothpicks  on  the 
cashier's  desk  of  an  armchair  lunch-room,  Abe. 
In  just  a  few  lines,  Abe,  Mr.  Wilson  says,  'I 
hesitate,  I  feel,  I  am  conscious,  I  trust,  I  may,  I 
shall,  I  dare  say,  I  hope  and  I  shall/  and  when  he 
started  to  say  something  about  Woman  Suffrage, 
he  undoubtedly  begun  with  'May  I  not,'  but 
evidently  when  he  showed  the  first  draft  to 
Colonel  House  or  somebody,  they  said,  'Why 
do  you  always  say,  May  I  no??  and  after  dis 
cussing  such  substitutes  as  'Dock  allow  me,'  'If  you 

167 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

'ain't  got  no  objections,'  and  'You  would  excuse 
me  if  I  would  take  the  liberty,'  Abe,  they  decided 
to  use,  *Will  you  not  permit  me,'  so,  therefore, 
that  part  of  the  President's  message  which  talks 
about  Woman  Suffrage  says,  'Will  you  not 
permit  me  to  speak  once  more  and  very  earnestly 
of  the  proposed  amendment  to  the  Constitution 
and  so  forth,'  and  that,  to  my  mind,  is  what  give 
President  Wilson  the  idea  that  it  might  be  a  good 
thing  to  let  the  manufacture  and  sale  of  wine  and 
beer  continue  after  June  30th,  which  he  probably 
argued,  'If  I  have  such  a  tough  time  shaking 
off  the  May-I-not  habit,  how  about  them  poor 
fellers  which  has  got  the  liquor  habit?" 

"Maybe  he  figured  that  way  and  maybe  he 
didn't,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said,  "but  if  any  one  feels 
that  he  ought  to  stock  up  with  a  few  bottles  of 
wine  for  Idddush  or  hahdolah  purposes  on  or  after 
June  30,  1919,  Mawruss,  he  oughtn't  to  be  misled 
by  anything  President  Wilson  %said  in  his  letter 
of  the  20th  ulto.,  Mawruss,  because  when  it  comes 
to  extending  the  life  of  the  beer  and  wine  industry 
after  June  30th,  Mawruss,  them  Senators  and 
Representatives  is  more  likely  to  take  suggestions 
from  the  President  of  the  Anti-Saloon  League 
than  from  the  President  of  the  United  States." 

"And  I  don't  know  but  what  they  are  right  at 
that,  Abe,"  Morris  said,  "because  this  here  Pro 
hibition  is  strictly  a  matter  of  what  the  majority 
thinks,  Abe." 

"But  from  the  howl  that  has  been  going  up, 
Mawruss,"  Abe  protested,  "it  looks  to  me  like 

168 


MR.  WILSON'S  FAVOR 

the  majority  of  people  wants  the  sale  of  schnapps 
to  continue." 

"I  didn't  say  it  was  a  question  of  what  they 
want,  Abe,"  Morris  declared,  "I  said  it  was  a 
question  of  what  the  majority  thinks,  and  the 
majority  of  people  thinks  that  while  they  can 
drink  schnapps  and  they  can  let  it  alone,  Abe, 
the  majority  of  people  also  think  that  the  majority 
of  the  people  who  drink  schnapps  would  be  a 
whole  lot  better  off  without  it.  So  that's  the  way 
it  stands,  Abe.  Nobody  wants  to  leave  off  buy 
ing  liquor,  but  nobody  wants  to  take  the  responsi 
bility  of  letting  the  sale  of  liquor  continue." 

"Also,  Mawruss,  I've  been  reading  a  good  many 
articles  in  the  magazines  about  this  here  Pro 
hibition  lately,"  Abe  declared,  "and  in  every  case 
the  writer  shows  how  disinterested  he  is,  y'under- 
stand,  by  stating  right  at  the  start  that  so  far  as 
he  is  concerned,  they  could  leave  off  selling  liquor 
to-morrow  and  he  would  be  perfectly  satisfied." 

"And  he  is  going  to  have  to  be,  Abe,"  Morris 
said,  "because  that  way  of  looking  at  the  liquor 
question  is  what  has  brought  about  Prohibition. 
Practically  everybody  who  drinks  schnapps  and 
enjoys  it,  Abe,  is  afraid  that  everybody  else  who 
drinks  schnapps  and  enjoys  it  is  going  to  think 
that  he  drinks  schnapps  and  enjoys  it,  so  he  goes 
to  work  and  pulls  this  phony  unselfish  stuff  about, 
'So-far-as-I-am-concerned,  it  don't  make  no  dif 
ference  how  soon  the  country  goes  Prohibition,' 
and  the  result  is  that  the  country  is  going  Pro 
hibition,  and  nobody  even  now  has  got  nerve 

169 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

enough  to  admit  that  it's  going  to  cut  him  out  of 
a  great  many  good  times  in  the  future." 

"Well,  there's  one  thing  about  it,  Mawruss," 
Abe  declared,  "it's  going  to  make  near-by  foreign 
countries,  no  matter  what  the  climate  may  be, 
great  summer  and  winter  resorts  for  these  fellers 
who  don't  care  how  soon  Prohibition  goes  into 
effect  and  who  will  continue  not  to  care  until 
1  A.M.  on  July  1,  1919.  Yes,  Mawruss,  this  here 
Prohibition  is  going  to  give  a  wonderful  boost 
to  the  business  of  building  bridges  across  the  Rio 
Grande  River  and  to  running  lines  of  steamers 
between  the  United  States  and  them  foreign 
countries  near  by  where  the  inhabitants  have  got 
it  figured  out  that  if  you  drink  and  enjoy  it,  you 
might  just  as  well  admit  it  before  it's  too  late 
to  keep  the  government  from  not  taking  a  joke, 
if  you  know  what  I  mean." 

"Sure  I  know  what  you  mean,"  Morris  said, 
"and  it  has  always  seemed  to  me,  Abe,  that  even 
the  Scotch  whisky  business  ain't  going  to  be 
affected  so  adversely  by  this  here  Prohibition, 
neither,  except  that  the  merchandise  is  going  to 
reach  its  ultimate  hobnail  liver  via  Mexico  and 
Cuba  instead  of  New  York  and  Chicago,  and 
furthermore,  Abe,  there  will  be  a  great  demand 
for  sleepers  on  them  northbound  trains  from 
Mexico,  and  the  berths  will  only  have  to  be  made 
up  once  on  leaving  the  Mexican  frontier.  How 
ever,  the  diners  won't  do  much  of  a  business  on 
them  trains,  but  they  will  certainly  have  to 
carry  extra-large  ice-water  tanks." 

170 


MR.  WILSON'S  FAVOR 

"And  while  I  don't  wish  them  drink-and-leave- 
it-alone  fellers  no  particular  harm,  Mawruss," 
Abe  declared,  vehemently,  "some  time  when  they 
are  traveling  on  one  of  them  oasis-bound  limiteds, 
Mawruss,  it  would  serve  them  right  if  it  run  off 
the  rails  or  something  and  shook  'em  up  just 
enough  to  make  them  realize  the  inconvenience 
their  own  foolishness  has  brought  on  them." 

"Say!"  Morris  exclaimed.  "I  didn't  know  you 
was  taking  this  Prohibition  affair  so  much  to  heart, 
Abe." 

"  What  do  you  mean — take  it  so  much  to  heart?" 
Abe  protested.  "I  take  a  glass  of  schnapps  once 
in  a  while,  Mawruss,  but  so  far  as  I  am  concerned 
this  here  Prohibition  can  come  into  effect  this 
afternoon  yet,  and  it  wouldn't  affect  me  none." 

"I  am  the  same  way,  Abe.     I  can  drink  and  I 
can  leave  it  alone,"  Morris  said.     "Or,  anyhow^ 
I  think  I  can." 
13 


xvni 

BEING    UP    IN    THE    AIR,    AS     APPLIED     TO     TRANS 
ATLANTIC    FLIGHTS,    CROWN    JEWELS,    AND 
LEAGUE    OP    NATIONS    SPEECHES 

'TTIHE  way  I  feel  about  it  is  this,  Mawruss," 
A  Abe  Potash  said  to  his  partner,  Morris 
Perlmutter:  "It  don't  make  no  difference  if 
them  two  boys  failed  in  their  intentions,  y 'under 
stand,  they  succeeded  in  making  millions  and 
millions  of  people  in  Paris,  Winnipeg,  New  York, 
and  who  knows  where  not,  stop  hating  each  other 
for  anyhow  a  few  hours,  and  instead  they  smiled 
and  shook  hands  and  allowed  themselves  a  recess 
in  their  regular  work  of  winning  strikes,  losing 
strikes,  shooting,  starving,  and  cheating  each 
other  and  their  countries,  while  they  all  joined 
in  being  glad  that  Mr<?.  Hawker  and  the  baby 
had  got  the  popper  back  home  with  them  and  that 
Grieve  was  safe  with  his  family  or  anyhow  as 
safe  as  a  young  feller  can  be  who  is  liable  to  quit 
his  home  at  any  moment  and  do  the  same  wonder 
ful,  foolish  thing  all  over  again." 

"It's  too  bad  that  all  them  strikers  and  Bolshe 
viks  which  is  acting  as  senselessly  as  children, 
couldn't  also  act  as  sensibly  as  children,  Abe," 
Morris  Perlmutter  observed,  "and  stop  crying 

172 


BEING  UP  IN  THE  AIR 

long  enough  to  forget  what  they  were  crying 
about,  y'understand,  but  they  won't.  They  are 
bound  and  determined  to  eat  the  goose  which 
lays  the  golden  eggs,  Abe,  and  the  end  is  going  to 
be  that  they  will  find  out  it  ain't  a  goose  at  all, 
but  that  instead  of  killing  a  goose  that's  fit  for 
food  they  have  only  smashed  an  incubator  that's 
fit  for  nothing  but  laying  more  eggs,  and  that's 
the  way  it  goes." 

"Well,  it's  certainly  wonderful  how  popular 
them  two  young  fellers  become  in  the  course  of  a 
few  days,  Mawruss,"  Abe  declared.  "Which 
makes  you  think,  Mawruss,  if  such  a  thing  hap 
pens  to  two  unknown  young  men  like  Hawker 
and  Grieve,  there  is  big  possibilities  in  this  cross- 
the-ocean  flight  for  fellers  which  was  once  highly 
thought  of  and  which  nowadays  nobody  gives  a 
nickel  about.  Take,  for  instance,  them  two  Will 
iam  J.  fellers,  Bryan  and  McAdoo,  which  only 
a  short  time  since  people  was  reading  about  it  in 
the  papers,  Mawruss,  and  what  them  fellers 
should  ought  to  do  is  to  hire  a  good,  undependable 
airyoplane,  y'understand,  and  take  the  first  boat 
for  Trespassing,  or  whatever  the  place  is.  Then 
all  they  have  to  do  is  to  make  a  good  start,  and 
get  afterwards  rescued  by  a  tramp  steamer,  and 
right  away  they  become  general  favorites  again. 
Or  the  kaiser  and  the  crown  prince  might  try  it, 
Mawruss.  There  must  be  plenty  of  airyoplanes 
laying  around  Germany  nowadays  which  could  be 
picked  up  for  a  song,  and  when  word  come  that 
it  had  fallen  into  the  Atlantic  Ocean  with  them  two 

173 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

birds  aboard  somewhere  around  one  thousand 
five  hundred  miles  from  sixty  degrees  forty-three 
minutes,  y'understand,  it  might  make  the  Hohen- 
zollerns  so  popular  that  there  would  be  a  counter 
revolution  or  something." 

"But  suppose  they  would  overdo  the  thing 
and  not  get  rescued,"  Morris  suggested. 

"Well,  that  would  make  them  popular  with  me, 
anyhow,"  Abe  said,  "and  there  is  probably  mill 
ions  of  people  like  me  in  that  respects,  Mawruss. 
Still,  joking  to  one  side,  Mawruss,  there  is  some 
things  which  you  couldn't  joke  about  like  what 
this  young  feller  Read  did,  which  is  working  for 
the  United  States  navy,  Mawruss.  There  was 
a  young  feller  what  took  his  life  in  his  hands, 
Mawruss,  and  yet  from  the  maps  which  the  news 
papers  printed,  you  would  think  it  was  already  a 
dead  open-and-shut  proposition  that  if  the  airyo- 
plane  was  to  break  down  anywheres  between 
Trespassing  and  Europe,  Mawruss,  there  would 
be  waiting  United  States  navy  ships  like  taxi- 
cabs  around  the  Hotel  Knickerbocker,  waiting 
to  pick  up  this  here  Read  before  he  even  so  much 
as  got  his  feet  wet,  understand  me.  Yes,  Mawruss, 
right  across  the  whole  page  of  the  newspaper 
was  strung  the  Winthrop,  the  Farragut,  the  Cush- 
ing,  and  other  fellers'  names  up  to  the  number  of 
fourteen  destroyers,  and  the  way  it  looked  on  that 
map,  there  was  a  solid  line  of  boats  waiting  to 
receive  any  falling  airyoplane  all  the  way  from 
one  side  of  the  ocean  to  the  other,  whereas  you 
know  as  well  as  I  do,  Mawruss,  you  can  as  much 

174 


BEING  UP  IN  THE  AIR 

make  both  ends  meet  on  the  Atlantic  Ocean  with 
fourteen  ships  as  a  shipping-clerk  with  ten  chil 
dren  can  in  New  York  City  on  a  salary  of  eighteen 
dollars  a  week." 

"I  understand  them  ships  wTas  only  fifty  miles 
apart,"  Morris  observed. 

"Sure,  I  know,"  Abe  agreed,  "but  if  that  airy- 
oplane  was  to  drop  anywheres  between  the  second 
and  the  forty-ninth  mile,  Mawruss,  them  ships 
might  just  as  well  have  been  stationed  on  the 
North  River  between  Seventy-second  and  One 
Hundred  and  Thirtieth  streets,  Mawruss,  for  all  the 
good  it  would  have  done  this  young  feller  Read. 
Also,  Mawruss,  if  they  would  have  had  so  many 
destroyers  on  the  Atlantic  Ocean  that  they  would 
have  run  out  of  regular  navy  names  for  them  and 
had  to  resort  to  the  business  directory  so  as  to 
include  the  Acker,  the  Merrall,  the  Condit,  the 
Rogers,  the  Peet,  the  Browning,  the  King,  the 
Marshall,  and  the  Field,  in  that  collection  of  ships, 
Mawruss,  that  wouldn't  of  made  this  here  Read's 
life  a  first-class  insurable  risk,  neither." 

"And  being  picked  up  by  a  destroyer  ain't  such 
a  wonderful  Capora,  neither,  y 'understand,"  Morris 
said,  "which  they  tell  me  that  on  one  of  them 
destroyers  an  admiral  even  couldn't  last  out 
as  far  as  the  Battery  even  without  anyhow  getting 
pale.  Also,  Abe,  I  couldn't  see  that  it  proved 
anything  when  this  here  Read  had  the  good  luck 
to  arrive  at  Lisbon,  except  that  he  was  a  brave 
young  feller  and  seemingly  didn't  care  how  much 
his  family  worried  about  him." 

175 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

"That's  what  people  have  always  said  when 
anything  new  in  the  way  of  transportation  was 
tried,  Mawruss,  but  them  people  was  never  the 
ones  that  deposited  the  checks  when  the  scheme 
begun  to  pay  dividends  some  two  or  three  years 
later,"  Abe  retorted.  "The  world  never  made 
no  advances  with  the  assistance  of  the  even-so 
and  what-of-it  fellers,  which,  when  the  king  and 
queen  of  Spain  raised  a  little  money  on  the  crown 
jewels,  Mawruss,  so  that  Christopher  Columbus 
olav  hasholom  could  make  the  first  trip  across  the 
Atlantic  Ocean  by  water,  Mawruss,  the  people 
which  saw  in  it  the  first  steps  towards  the  Aquitania 
and  Levinathan  wasn't  so  plentiful,  neither." 

"Probably  the  feller  which  lent  the  money  on 
the  jewels  wasn't  so  enthusiastic  about  it,  at  any 
rate,"  Morris  declared,  "because  as  first-class,  A- 
number-one  security  for  a  loan,  Abe,  crown  jewels 
'ain't  got  very  much  of  an  edge  on  them  sym 
pathetic  pearls  which  carries  such  a  tremendous 
overhead  for  electric  light  in  the  store  windows 
where  they  are  displayed.  Take,  for  instance,  the 
Austrian  crown  jewels,  Abe,  and  I  see  in  the  paper 
where  for  years  and  years  everybody  took  the 
Austrian  emperor's  word  for  it  that  they  con 
tained  more  first-water  diamonds  than  could  be 
found  in  stocks  of  all  the  Fifth  Avenue  jewelers 
and  Follies  of  from  1910  to  1919  chorus  ladies 
combined,  and  the  other  day  when  the  provisional 
government  tried  to  sell  them  Austrian  crown 
jewels  to  buy  food  for  the  starving  Austrians, 
y'understand,  for  what  was  thought  to  be  rubies, 

176 


BEING  UP  IN  THE  AIR 

diamonds,  and  pearls  weighing  from  twenty  to  a 
hundred  carats  apiece,  Abe,  they  couldn't  get  an 
offer  of  as  much  as  a  bowl  of  crackers  and  milk.'* 

"What  do  you  suppose  happened  to  the  origi 
nals,  Mawruss?"  Abe  asked. 

"What  should  of  happened  to  them?"  Morris 
asked,  rhetorically.  "I  bet  yer  that  not  once,  but 
hundreds  of  times,  an  Austrian  emperor  has  taken 
one  of  the  ladies  of  the  Vienna  Opera  House  ballet 
to  the  vaults  of  the  Vienna  Deposit  and  Storage 
Company  and  just  to  show  her  how  much  he 
thought  of  her,  when  she  said,  'My,  ain't  that  a 
gorgeous  stone!'  he  has  said,  lDo  you  really  like  it?* 
and  pried  it  right  out  of  its  setting  right  then  and 
there." 

"And  I  also  bet  yer  that  when  the  ballet  lady 
got  a  valuation  on  it  the  next  day,"  Abe  said, 
"the  pawnbroker  said  to  her,  'Ain't  this  a  dia 
mond  which  the  Emperor  pried  out  of  his  crown  for 
you?'  and  when  she  said,  *  Yes,'  he  says  that  the 
fixed  loaning  value  of  an  imperial  pried-out  dia 
mond  was  one  dollar  and  eighty-five  cents,  and 
from  that  time  on  the  ballet  lady  would  be  very 
much  off  all  emperors." 

"It  seems  to  me  that  in  all  the  other  countries 
of  the  world  where  kings  and  emperors  still  hold 
on  to  their  jobs,  Abe,  it  wouldn't  be  a  bad  thing 
for  the  government  to  check  up  the  crown  jewels 
on  them,  in  case  of  emergencies  like  revolutions 
or  having  to  pay  war  indemnities,"  Morris  re 
marked,  "which  I  wouldn't  be  surprised  if  right 
now  the  German  people  is  figuring  on  raising 

177 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

several  million  marks  on  the  German  crown  jewels 
towards  paying  the  first  billion-dollar  instalment 
of  the  war  indemnity,  and  when  the  government 
appraiser  gets  ahold  of  them,  he  will  turn  in  a 
report  that  they  are  not  even  using  that  kind  of 
stuff  in  decorating  soda-fountains  even." 

"In  that  case  the  German  government  will 
probably  try  to  arrange  a  swop,"  Abe  said, 
"trusting  to  luck  that  the  Allied  governments 
having  agreed  to  take  them  crown  jewels  at  the 
value  placed  on  them  by  the  kaiser,  will  not  dis 
cover  their  real  value  until  they've  changed 
hands,  Mawruss,  in  which  event  the  German 
government  will  claim  that  the  substitution  took 
place  after  the  Allies  received  them  and  did  the 
Allies  think  they  could  get  away  with  anything 
as  raw  as  that." 

"Even  the  Germans  'ain't  got  such  a  nerve," 
Morris  commented. 

"  'Ain't  they?"  Abe  retorted.  "  Well,  how  about 
the  counter-claim  they  are  now  making  for 
an  indemnity  of  $3,048,300,000,  aus  gerechnent? 
Them  Germans  has  got  the  nerve  to  claim  any 
thing  that  they  think  they've  got  the  slightest 
chance  of  getting  away  with,  Mawruss,  so  they 
stick  in  this  indemnity  which  they  say  they  ought 
to  receive  from  the  Allies  because  the  blockade 
which  the  Allies  kept  up  against  Germany  during 
the  war  caused  such  a  shortage  in  food  that  one 
million  less  German  children  was  born  during 
that  time." 

"Three  thousand  and   forty-eight  dollars  and 

178 


BEING  UP  IN  THE  AIR 

thirty  cents  is  a  pretty  high  valuation  to  put  on 
a  German,  and  a  new-born  German  at  that," 
Morris  commented.  "You're  sure  that  the  three 
thousand  and  forty-eight  dollars  ain't  a  mistake? 
Because  thirty  cents  sounds  like  the  correct 
figures  to  me,  Abe." 

"The  birth  reduction  ain't  the  only  item  in 
their  bill,  Mawruss,"  Abe  continued.  "They  also 
claim  that  the  blockade  prevented  the  importing 
of  rubber,  camphor,  and  quinine." 

"And  I  suppose  they  claim  that  tire  trouble, 
moths,  and  malaria  increased  something  terrible," 
Morris  said.  "Well,  they're  going  to  have  just 
as  hard  a  tune  proving  that  claim  as  Senator 
Reed  would  that  Brazil  is  a  nation  of  colored 
people,  Abe." 

"When  did  Senator  Reed  say  that,  Mawruss?" 
Abe  asked. 

"When  he  was  arguing  against  the  League  of 
Nations,  in  the  Senate  the  other  day,"  Morris 
replied.  "He  said  that  there  were  fifteen  white 
nations  in  the  League  and  seventeen  colored 
nations,  and  he  reckoned  Brazil  in  as  one  of  the 
colored  nations,  probably  because  he  confused 
the  Brazil  population  with  the  Brazil  nuts  which 
are  sometimes  called  nigger-toes,  Abe.  However, 
Abe,  he  also  included  Cuba  as  a  colored  nation, 
because  he  claimed  that  fifty  per  cent,  of  the 
population  is  colored." 

"But  the  President  of  Cuba  and  the  gentlemen 
which  is  running  the  Cuban  government  ain't 
colored  people,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said. 

179 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

"That  don't  make  no  difference  to  Senator 
Reed,  Abe,"  Morris  declared.  "To  Senator  Reed, 
anything  that's  found  alive  in  a  stable  is  a  horse, 
Abe;  in  fact,  coming  from  Missouri,  as  Senator 
Reed  does,  considering  the  size  of  the  colored 
population  of  that  state,  Senator  Reed  probably 
considers  himself  a  colored  man,  because  Senator 
Reed  is  perfectly  honest  in  his  opinions,  Abe. 
When  he  argues  that  Cuba  is  a  colored  nation, 
he  believes  it,  so,  therefore,  when  he  argues  himself 
into  being  a  colored  man,  he  probably  believes 
that  he  ain't  quite  so  dark  a  colored  man  as 
Senator  Vardaman,  who  comes  from  Mississippi, 
Abe,  but  only  a  light  colored  man,  which  is  of 
course  all  nonsense,  like  Senator  Reed's  arguments. 
Senator  Vardaman  is  a  white  man  and  Senator 
Reed  is  a  white  man  and  they  are  both  of  them  as 
white  as,  but  no  whiter  than,  the  President  of  Cuba 
and  several  million  Brazilian  gentlemen.  But 
with  Senator  Reed  it's  a  case  of  any  argument 
is  a  good  argument,  so  long  as  it  is  an  argument 
against  the  League  of  Nations." 

"But  as  I  understand  it  Senator  Vardaman 
ain't  in  the  Senate  no  more,"  Abe  said.  "He  got 
defeated  last  election." 

"And  the  way  he  is  heading,  Abe,"  Morris  said, 
"Senator  Reed  will  join  him  next  election,  because, 
while  nine  times  out  of  ten,  when  it  comes  to 
re-election,  a  United  States  Senator  has  got  things 
pretty  well  sewed-up,  so  sewed-up  he  couldn't 
have  them,  that  he  could  make  such  foolish  speeches 
on  such  an  important  matter.  Furthermore,  it 

180 


BEING  UP  IN  THE  AIR 

don't  make  no  difference  how  wise  or  how  foolish 
the  speeches  which  Senators  makes  against  the 
League  of  Nations  might  be,  Abe,  it  is  going  to  go 
through,  anyhow" 

"What  makes  you  think  that?"  Abe  asked. 

"Because  I  see  where  the  National  Democratic 
Committee  met  in  Chicago  the  other  day,  and  the 
chairman  by  the  name  Cummings  threatened 
that  if  the  Senate  don't  approve  the  League  of 
Nations  Covenant,  Mr.  Wilson  would  run  for 
President  again,"  Morris  said.  , 

"What  do  you  mean — threatened?"  Abe  de 
manded.  "You  talk  like  Mr.  Wilson  running  for 
President  again  was  something  to  be  scared  about." 

"I  don't  talk  that  way,  but  Mr.  Cummings 
does,"  Morris  said.  "In  fact,  the  Democratic 
National  Committee,  on  the  head  of  what  Mr. 
Cummings  said,  passed  a  resolution  that  they 
were  in  favor  of  the  prompt  ratification  by  the 
Senate  of  the  Treaty  of  Peace,  including  the 
League  of  Nations,  so  it  would  appear  that  the 
Democratic  National  Committee  ain't  so  tickled 
about  Mr.  Wilson  running  again,  neither." 

"Well,  if  Mr.  Wilson  don't  run  again  for  Presi 
dent  on  the  Democratic  ticket,  Mawruss,  who 
will?"  Abe  inquired. 

"I  don't  know,  and,  furthermore,  I  think  that 
the  Democratic  National  Committee  is  temporarily 
in  the  same  condition  about  that  proposition  as 
Hawker  and  Grieve  was  about  that  cross-Atlantic 
proposition — also  temporarily,"  Morris  concluded, 
"I  mean,  up  in  the  air." 

181 


XIX 

THE   LEAK    AXD    OTHER   MYSTERIES 


of  one  poor  night  watchman 
nebich,"  Abe  Potash  said  to  his  partner, 
Morris  Perlmutter,  "the  only  people  which  has 
really  and  truly  suffered  from  the  goings-on  of  them 
anarchists  is  the  insurance  companies,  Mawruss." 

"In  a  case  like  that,  Abe,  the  insurance  com 
panies  ain't  liable  under  their  policies,"  Morris 
said,  "and  they  wouldn't  got  to  pay  no  losses 
for  the  damage  when  them  bombs  done  it  to  them 
buildings." 

"Who  said  anything  about  the  insurance  com 
panies  paying  losses?"  Abe  asked.  "I  am  talking 
about  the  insurance  companies  paying  lawyer 
bills,  Mawruss,  which  I  never  read  any  of  that 
part  of  my  insurance  policies  that  is  printed  in 
only  such  letters  as  could  have  been  designed 
in  the  first  place  by  them  fellers  you  read  about 
who  go  blind  from  engraving  the  whole  of  the 
Constitution  of  the  United  States  on  a  ten-cent 
piece,  y  'understand,  but  I  have  no  doubt,  Maw 
russ,  that  it  wouldn't  make  no  difference  if  the 
loss  was  caused  by  anything  so  legitimate  as 
throwing  a  lighted  cigarette  in  a  waste-paper  bas 
ket,  understand  me,  the  only  reason  why  an 

182 


THE  LEAK  AND  OTHER  MYSTERIES 

insurance  company  pays  any  losses  at  all  is  that 
they  figure  it's  cheaper  to  let  the  policyholder 
have  the  money  than  the  bunch  of  murderers 
they  got  representing  them  as  their  general 
counsel." 

"No  doubt  you're  right,"  Morris  agreed,  "but 
in  these  here  bomb  outrages  Abe,  the  way  the 
police  'ain't  been  able  to  get  a  clue  to  so  much  as  a 
suspicious  red  necktie,  y 'understand,  it  looks  as 
though  this  bomb-exploding  was  going  to  be  such 
a  regular  amusement  with  anarchists  as  pinochle- 
playing  is  with  clothing  salesmen,  understand  me, 
so  the  insurance  companies  would  got  to  make  a 
stand,  otherwise  they  would  be  paying  for  new 
stoops  for  the  houses  of  anybody  and  everybody 
who  ever  said  an  unkind  word  in  public  about 
Lenine  and  Trotzky." 

"It  seems  to  me  that  the  police  ain't  so  smart 
like  they  once  used  to  be,  Mawruss,"  Abe  remarked. 

"No,  nor  never  was,"  Morris  said.  "In  fact, 
Abe,  from  the  number  of  crimes  which  has  got 
into  the  let-bygones-be-bygones  stage  with  the 
police  lately,  clues  ain't  of  no  more  use  to  them 
fellers  at  all.  What  them  detectives  need  is  that 
the  criminal  should  leave  behind  him  at  the  scene 
of  the  crime  a  line  of  snappy,  up-to-date  advertis 
ing  containing  his  name,  address,  and  telephone 
number,  otherwise  they  seem  to  think  they  have 
the  excuse  that  they  couldn't  be  expected  to  per 
form  miracles,  and  let  it  go  at  that." 

"I  see  where  right  here  in  New  York,  Mayor 
Hylan  puts  the  whole  thing  up  to  the  newspapers," 

183 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

Abe  observed.  "He  wrote  to  a  friend  the  other 
day  one  of  them  strictly  confidential  letters  with 
an  agreement  on  the  side  to  ring  up  the  reporters 
as  soon  as  it  was  delivered,  y'understand,  in  which 
he  said  the  reason  why  so  many  crimes  was  going 
undiscovered  by  the  police  was  that  the  news 
papers  was  unprincipled  enough  to  print  that  a 
lot  of  crimes  was  going  undetected  by  the  police, 
understand  me,  and  the  consequence  was  that 
criminals  read  it  and,  relying  on  the  fact  that 
the  police  wouldn't  catch  them  if  they  com 
mitted  crimes,  they  went  to  work  and  committed 
crimes." 

"And  I  suppose  them  criminals'  confidence  in 
the  police  wasn't  misplaced,  neither,"  Morris 
suggested. 

"Not  so  far  as  I've  heard,"  Abe  said,  "but  even 
if  the  newspapers  wouldn't  of  printed  the  infor 
mation,  Mawruss,  why  should  Mayor  Hylan 
assume  that  burglars  don't  write  each  other  letters 
occasionally,  or,  anyhow,  once  in  a  while  meet  at 
lunch  and  talk  over  business  matters?" 

"Well,  I've  noticed  that  Mayor  Hylan,  Mayor 
Thompson,  and  a  lot  of  other  Mayors,  Senators, 
and  people  which  is  all  the  time  getting  into  the 
public  eye  in  the  same  sense  as  cinders  and  small 
insects,  Abe,  always  blames  the  newspapers  for 
everything  that  goes  wrong,"  Morris  remarked, 
"  because  such  people  is  always  doing  and  saying 
things  that  when  it  gets  into  the  newspaper  sounds 
pretty  rotten  even  to  themselves,  understand  me, 
so  therefore  they  begin  to  think  that  the  newspaper 

184 


THE  LEAK  AND  OTHER  MYSTERIES 

is  doing  it  deliberately,  and  consequently  they 
get  a  grouch  on  against  all  newspapers." 

"Sure,  I  know,  Mawruss,  but  that  don't  excuse 
the  police  for  not  finding  out  who  sent  them 
bombs  through  the  mails  in  the  first  place,"  Abe 
said.  "It  is  now  beginning  to  look,  Mawruss, 
that  the  American  police  has  begun  to  act  philo 
sophically  about  crooks,  the  way  the  American 
public  has  always  done,  and  they  shrug  their 
shoulders  and  say,  'What  are  you  going  to  do 
with  a  bunch  of  crooks  like  that? ' ' 

"Well,  in  a  way  you  can't  blame  the  police  for 
not  catching  them  bomb-throwers,  Abe,"  Morris 
said.  "They've  been  so  busy  arresting  people 
for  violations  of  the  automobile  and  traffic  laws 
that  they  'ain't  hardly  got  time  for  nothing  else, 
so  you  see  ^That  a  pipe  it  is  for  criminals,  Abe. 
All  they  have  got  to  do  is  to  keep  out  of  automo 
biles  and  stick  to  street  cars,  and  they  can  rob, 
murder,  and  explode  bombs,  and  the  police  would 
never  trouble  them  at  all." 

"But  considering  the  number  of  people  which 
gets  arrested  every  day  for  things  like  having 
in  their  possession  a  bottle  of  schnapps,  Mawruss, 
or  smoking  paper  cigarettes  in  the  second  degree, 
or  against  the  peace  and  dignity  of  the  people 
of  the  State  of  Kansas  or  Virginia,  and  the  statue 
in  such  case  made  and  provided  leaving  a  bottle 
of  near-beer  uncorked  on  the  window-sill  until 
it  worked  itself  into  a  condition  of  being  fermented 
or  intoxicating  liquor  under  section  six  sub-section 
(b)  of  the  said  act,  y'understand,  it  is  surprising 

185 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

to  me  that  the  police  didn't  by  accident  gather 
in  anyhow  one  of  them  anarchists,  Mawruss," 
Abe  said,  "because,  after  all,  Mawruss,  it  can't 
be  that  only  respectable  people  violate  all  them 
prohibition,  anti-cigarette,  and  anti-speeding  laws, 
and  that,  outside  of  dropping  bombs,  anarchists 
is  otherwise  law-abiding." 

"At  the  same  time,  Abe,  I  couldn't  help  feeling 
sorry  for  a  policeman  who  would  arrest  an  anarchist 
by  accident,  especially  if  he  didn't  carry  any 
accident  insurance,  because  the  only  way  to  avoid 
accidents  in  arresting  anarc\ists  is  to  take  a  good 
aim  at  a  safe  distance,  and  let  somebody  else 
search  the  body  for  packages,"  Morris  declared. 

"To  Ul  you  the  truth,  Mawruss,  I  think  the 
reason  why  them  anarchists  which  explode  bombs 
is  never  discovered,  y'understand,  ain't  up  to  the 
police  at  all,  but  to  the  contractor  which  cleans  up 
the  scene  of  the  explosion,"  Abe  said.  "If  he 
would  only  instruct  his  workmen  to  sift  the 
rubbish  before  they  cart  it  away,  they  might  any 
how  find  a  collar-button  or  something,  because 
next  to  windows,  Mawruss,  the  most  breakage 
caused  by  anarchistic  bomb  explosions  is  to 
anarchists." 

"Still,  there  must  be  a  lot  of  comparatively 
uninjured  anarchists  hanging  around — anarchists 
with  only  a  thumb  or  so  missing  which  the  police 
would  be  able  to  find  if  they  really  and  truly  used 
a  little  gumption,  Abe,"  Morris  said.  "Also  if 
they  would  keep  their  ears  open,  there  must  be 
lots  of  noises  which  now  passes  for  gas-range  trou- 

186 


THE  LEAK  AND  OTHER  MYSTERIES 

ble  and  which  if  investigated  while  the  experi 
menter  was  still  in  the  dancing  and  hand-flipping 
stage  of  agony,  Abe,  might  bring  to  light  some 
of  the  leading  spirits  in  the  chemical  branch  of  the 
American  anarchists.  Then  of  course  there  is  the 
other  noises  which  sounds  like  gas-range  troubles, 
and  which  on  investigation  proves  to  be  speeches, 
Abe,  and  while  it  is  probably  true  that  you  can't 
kill  ideas  by  putting  the  people  which  owns  up 
to  them  in  jail,  Abe,  I  for  one  am  willing  to  take 
a  chance  and  see  how  it  comes  out,  because,  after 
all,  it  ain't  ideas  which  makes  and  explodes  bombs, 
but  the  people  which  holds  such  ideas." 

"Also,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said,  "it  is  the  people 
which  holds  such  ideas  that  says  you  can't  kill 
ideas  by  putting  the  people  what  holds  them 
into  jail,  but  just  so  soon  as  them  people  gets 
arrested,  not  only  do  they  claim  that  they  never 
held  such  ideas,  but  they  deny  that  there  even 
existed  such  ideas,  and  then  the  noise  of  the 
denials  they  are  making  is  drowned  out  by  the 
noise  of  the  bombs  which  is  being  exploded  accord 
ing  to  the  ideas  they  claim  they  don't  hold,  and 
that's  the  way  it  goes,  Mawruss.  The  chances 
is  that  the  mystery  of  who  exploded  them  bombs 
will  remain  a  mystery  along  with  the  mystery  of 
how  the  Peace  Treaty  come  into  the  possession 
of  them  New  York  interests  in  the  form  of  a 
volume  of  three  hundred  and  twenty  pages,  as 
Senator  Lodge  says  it  did." 

"To  me  that  ain't  no  mystery  at  all,  Abe," 
Morris  said.  "The  chances  is  that  them  New 

14  187 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

York  interests,  whatever  they  may  be,  Abe — and 
I  got  my  suspicions,  Abe — simply  seen  it  in  the 
Saturday  edition  of  one  of  them  New  York  papers 
which  makes  a  specialty  of  book-advertising,  an 
advertisement  reading : 

"THE  PEACE  TERMS" 

READ  ABOUT  THEM 

in  this  stirring,  heart-touching  romance.  Get  it,  begin  it; 
you'll  read  every  word  and  wish  there  was  more. 

Would  it  be  worth  while  to  risk  the  happiness  of  all  future 
time  for  the  sake  of  four  years  of  forbidden  pleasure?  With 
the  frankness  characteristic  of  him,  William  W.  Wilson  in 
his  latest  work  tells  what  happens — economically  and  spiritu 
ally — to  the  nation  who  tried  it. 

"THE  PEACE  TERMS" 

BT 

WILLIAM  W.  WILSON 

Author  of  A  Thousand  Snappy  Substitutes  for  May  I  Not,  etc. 

30  Illustrations,  320  pages.  $1.50  net. 

AT  ALL  BOOK-STORES 

so  the  New  York  interests  give  the  office-boy 
three  dollars  and  says  to  him  he  should  go  'round 
to  the  news-stands  in  the  nearest  subway  station 
and  buy  a  couple  of  them  books,  y 'understand, 
and  for  the  remainder  of  the  afternoon,  y'under- 
stand,  the  members  of  the  New  York  interests 
which  'ain't  got  their  feet  up  on  the  desk  reading 
them  books,  is  asking  the  members  which  has  if 
they  'ain't  got  nothing  better  to  do  with  their 

188 


THE  LEAK  AND  OTHER  MYSTERIES 

time  than  to  put  it  in  reading  a  lot  of  nonsense 
like  that,  understand  me." 

"But  who  do  you  think  published  it,  Mawruss?" 
Abe  asked. 

"Say!"  Morris  exclaimed.  "It  is  already  over 
a  month  since  the  first  edition  of  that  Peace  Treaty 
was  handed  to  the  German  delegates,  and  what 
is  a  little  thing  like  a  copyright  to  them  crooks 
when  it  comes  to  making  a  profit  of  ten  cents  a 
volume?  I  bet  yer  that  Europe  is  already  flooded 
with  pirated  editions  of  that  Peace  Treaty  retail 
ing  at  anywheres  from  twenty-five  cents  up,  and 
yet  them  highwaymen  claims  that  it  is  unac 
ceptable  to  them.  As  a  matter  of  fact,  the  Ger 
man  business  man  'ain't  found  anything  nearly 
so  acceptable  in  a  merchandising  way  since  the 
time  they  began  to  imitate  Gillette  safety  razors 
and  Kodak  cameras.  They'll  probably  make 
enough  of  the  Park  Row  and  Ann  Street  peddling 
rights  alone  to  pay  the  first  instalment  of  the 
reparation  indemnity,  Abe." 

"I  see  where  Austria  also  finds  the  terms  of  the 
Peace  Treaty  which  was  handed  to  her  unaccept 
able,  Mawruss,"  Abe  remarked. 

"Well,  for  that  matter,  Abe,  there  probably 
ain't  a  petitentiary  in  this  or  any  other  country 
which  ain't  filled  with  crooks  who  finds  the  terms 
of  their  punishment  unacceptable,"  Morris  said, 
"but  I  never  heard  it  advanced  as  an  argument 
why  the  sentence  should  ought  to  be  upset  on 
appeal,  Abe.  Also,  Abe,  Germany  and  Austria 
is  in  just  so  good  a  position  to  accept  or  not 

189 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

accept  their  punishment  as  any  other  defendant 
would  be  after  he  has  had  his  pedigree  taken  and 
is  handcuffed  to  the  deputy-sheriff  with  the  Black 
Maria  backed  up  against  the  curb,  y 'understand." 

"Well,  I  suppose  I  must  of  lost  thousands  of 
dollars  serving  on  juries  in  my  time,  Mawruss," 
Abe  said,  "and  I  would  of  lost  thousands  more  if 
every  prisoner  would  of  behaved  the  way  Ger 
many  and  Austria  has  since  the  judge  asked  them 
if  they  had  anything  to  say  why  sentence  should 
ought  to  be  passed  on  them.  Evidently  they 
must  of  thought  it  was  up  to  them  to  make 
regular  after-dinner  speeches,  leaving  out  only 
the  once-there-was-an-Irishman  story." 

"And  even  that  'ain't  been  left  out,"  Morris 
said,  "which  I  see  that  the  United  States  Senate 
has  passed  a  resolution  that  they  are  in  favor 
the  Peace  Conference  should  hear  what  the 
delegates  from  the  new  Irish  Republic  has  got  to 
say." 

"Is  Ireland  a  republic  now?"  Abe  asked. 

"It's  anyhow  as  much  of  a  republic  as  the 
Rhenish  Republic  is  a  republic  or  the  Kingdom 
of  the  Hadjes  is  a  kingdom,"  Morris  continued, 
"which  the  American  delegates  let  them  Hadjes 
have  their  say,  Abe,  and  if  the  Hadj-American 
vote  figured  very  strong  in  the  last  presidential 
election  or  the  Hadj-American  subscribers  to 
the  Victory  Loan  represented  as  much  as 
.000000001  per  cent,  of  the  total  amount  raised, 
the  newspapers  kept  it  pretty  quiet,  Abe.  So, 
therefore,  Abe,  leaving  out  of  the  question  alto- 

190 


THE  LEAK  AND  OTHER  MYSTERIES 

gether  that  a  very  big  percentage  of  the  highest 
grade  citizens  which  we've  got  in  this  country  is 
Irish  by  ancestry  and  brains,  Abe,  why  shouldn't 
the  Irish  have  their  say  before  the  Peace  Con 
ference?" 

"For  one  thing,"  Abe  said,  "the  delegates  to 
the  Peace  Conference  is  already  pretty  well 
acquainted  with  what  them  Irishmen  would  tell 
them,  unless  them  delegates  is  deaf,  dumb,  and 
blind." 

"That's  all  right,  Abe,  but  a  good  argument 
was  never  the  worse  for  being  repeated,"  Morris 
concluded,  "in  especially  when  it  comes  from 
people  which  has  given  us  not  only  good  argu 
ments  during  the  past  four  years,  but  service, 
blood,  and  money.  Am  I  right  or  wrong?" 


XX 

JULY   THE   FIRST   AND    AFTER 

'  TT'S  already  surprising  what  people  will  eat  if 
A  they  couldn't  get  anything  else,"  Abe  Potash 
commented  one  morning  in  June. 

"Not  nearly  so  surprising  as  what  they  would 
drink  in  the  same  circumstances,"  Morris  Perl- 
mutter  remarked. 

"Well,  I  don't  know,"  Abe  continued.  "Here 
it  stands  in  the  newspapers  where  a  professor  says 
that  for  the  information  of  them  men  which  would 
sooner  eat  grasshoppers  as  starve,  Mawruss,  they 
taste  very  much  like  shrimps  if  you  know  how 
shrimps  taste,  which  I  am  thankful  to  say  that  I 
don't,  Mawruss,  because  I  never  yet  had  the  nerve 
to  eat  shrimps  on  account  of  them  looking  too 
much  like  grasshoppers." 

"That's  nothing,"  Morris  declared.  "In  Porto 
Rico,  where  they  have  had  prohibition  now  for 
some  time  already,  the  authorities  has  just  found 
out  that  the  people  has  been  drinking  so  much 
hair  tonic  as  ersat-schnapps,  Abe,  that  the  insides 
of  the  stomach  of  a  Porto-Rican  looks  like  the 
outside  of  the  President  of  the  new  Polish  Re 
public,  if  you  know  what  I  mean." 

"Well,   if  the  prohibition  law  is  going  to  be 

192 


JULY  THE  FIRST  AND  AFTER 

enforced  so  as  to  confiscate  the  schnapps  which  is 
now  being  stored  away  by  the  people  who  have 
had  an  insurance  actuary  figure  out  their  expect 
ancy  of  life  at  ten  drinks  a  day  for  13.31416  years, 
Mawruss,  or  all  the  cellar  will  hold,  y'under- 
stand,"  Abe  said,  "it  won't  be  much  later  than 
July  2d  before  somebody  discovers  that  there's 
quite  a  kick  to  furniture  polish  or  6-in-l,  Maw 
russ,  and  in  fact  I  expect  to  see  after  July  1st,  1919, 
that  there  would  be  what  looks  like  stove  polish, 
shoe  polish,  automobile-body  polish,  and  silver 
polish  retailing  at  from  one  dollar  to  a  dollar  and 
a  half  per  hip-pocket-size  bottle,  which^after  being 
strained  through  blotting-paper,  y'understand, 
would  net  the  purchaser  three  drinks  of  the  worst 
whisky  that  ever  got  sold  on  Chatham  Square 
for  five  cents  a  glass." 

"And  I  suppose  that  pretty  soon  they  will  be 
passing  a  law  forbidding  the  manufacture  of  stove 
polish  and  directing  that  the  labels  on  the  bottles 
shall  contain  the  statement: 

"Stove  Polish  by  Volume  2,  Seventy -five  per 
cent.  And  in  a  thimbleful  of  what  ain't  stove 
polish  in  that  stove  polish,  Abe,  there  wouldn't 
be  no  more  harm  than  two  or  three  quarts  of  so 
much  nitroglycerin,  y 'understand,"  Morris  said. 
"Also  on  Saturday  nights  you  will  see  the  poor 
women  nebich  hanging  around  the  swinging  doors 
of  paint  and  color  stores  right  up  to  closing-time 
to  see  is  their  husbands  inside,  while  the  single 
men  will  stagger  from  house-furnishing  store  to 
house-furnishing  store — or  the  Poor  Men's  Clubs, 

193 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

as  they  call  them  places  where  stove  and  silver 
polish  is  sold." 

"But  joking  to  one  side,  Mawruss,  you  don't 
suppose  that  the  Polaks  and  the  Huns  and  all 
them  foreigners  is  going  to  leave  off  drinking 
schnapps  just  because  of  a  little  thing  like  a  pro 
hibition  amendment  to  the  Constitution  of  the 
United  States,  do  you?"  Abe  said. 

"Why  do  you  limit  yourself  to  Polaks  and 
Huns,  Abe?"  Morris  asked.  "Believe  me,  there 
is  fellers  whose  forefathers  was  old  established 
American  citizens  before  Henry  Clay  started  his 
cigar  business,  y'understand,  and  when  them  boys 
gets  a  craving  for  schnapps  after  July  1st,  they 
would  oser  go  to  the  nearest  Carnegie  Library 
and  read  over  the  Prohibition  Amendment  to  the 
Constitution  till  that  gnawing  feeling  at  the  pit  of 
the  stomach  had  passed  away,  understand  me. 
At  least,  Abe,  that  is  what  I  think  is  going  to  hap 
pen,  and  from  the  number  of  people  which  is  giving 
out  prophecies  to  the  newspapers  about  what  is 
going  to  happen,  and  from  the  way  they  differ 
from  each  other  as  to  what  is  going  to  happen — 
not  only  about  prohibition,  but  about  conditions 
in  Europe,  the  Next  War,  the  Kaiser's  future, 
and  the  next  presidential  campaign,  y'under 
stand,  it  seems  to  me  that  anybody  could  prophesy 
anything  about  eierything  and  get  away  with  it." 

"They  could  anyhow  get  away  with  it  till  it  does 
happen."  Abe  commented. 

"Sure  I  know,  but  generally  it  don't  happen," 
Morris  said.  "  Take  for  instance  where  Mr.  Van- 

194 


JULY  THE   FIRST  AND  AFTER 

derlip  is  going  round  telling  about  the  terrible 
things  which  is  going  to  happen  in  Europe  unless 
something  which  Mr.  Vanderlip  suggests  is  done, 
and  take  also  for  instance  where  Mr.  Davison  is 
going  round  telling  about  the  terrible  things  which 
is  going  to  happen  in  Europe  unless  something 
which  Mr.  Davison  suggests  is  done,  y'under- 
stand,  and  while  I  don't  know  nothing  about 
Europe,  understand  me,  I  know  something  about 
Mr.  Vanderlip,  which  is  that  he  just  lost  his  jobs 
as  director  of  the  War  Savings  Stamp  Campaign 
and  president  of  the  National  City  Bank,  and  you 
know  as  well  as  I  do,  Abe,  when  a  man  has  just 
lost  his  job  things  are  apt  to  look  pretty  black  to 
him,  not  only  in  Europe,  understand  me,  but  in 
Asia,  Africa,  and  America,  and  sometimes  Aus 
tralia  and  New  Zealand,  also." 

"Well,  how  about  Mr.  Davison?"  Abe  asked. 

"Well,  I'll  tell  you,"  Morris  said,  "Mr.  Davison 
is  a  banker  and  I  am  a  garment  manufacturer, 
y 'understand,  and  with  me  it's  like  this:  Condi 
tions  in  the  garment  trade  is  never  altogether 
satisfactory  to  me,  Abe.  As  a  garment  manufact 
urer,  I  can  always  see  where  things  is  going  to  the 
devil  in  this  country  or  any  other  country  where  I 
would  be  doing  business  unless  something  is  done, 
y'understand,  and  if  anybody  would  ask  me  what 
ought  to  be  done,  the  chances  is  that  I  would  sug 
gest  something  to  be  done  which  wouldn't  make  it 
exactly  rotten  for  the  garment  trade,  if  you  know 
what  I  mean." 

"Mr.   Vanderlip   and  Mr.   Davison   did   good 

195 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

work  during  the  war  for  a  dollar  a  year,  Mawruss," 
Abe  said,  "and  no  one  should  speak  nothing  but 
good  of  them." 

"Did  I  say  they  shouldn't?"  Morris  retorted. 
"All  I  am  driving  into  is  this,  Abe;  we've  got  a  lot 
of  big  business  men  which  during  the  war  for  a 
dollar  a  year  give  up  their  time  to  advising  the 
United  States  what  it  should  do,  y'understand,  who 
are  now  starting  in  to  advise  the  world  what  it 
should  do  and  waiving  the  dollar,  Abe,  and  if 
there  is  anything  which  is  calculated  to  make  a 
man  unpopular,  Abe,  it  is  giving  free  advice,  so 
therefore  I  would  advise  all  them  dollar-a-year 
men  to — " 

"And  is  any  one  paying  you  to  give  such  ad 
vice?"  Abe  asked.  "Furthermore,  Mawruss,  no 
body  asks  you  for  your  advice,  whereas  with 
people  like  Mr.  Vanderlip,  Mr.  Davison,  the 
Crown  Prince,  Samuel  Gompers,  and  Mary  Pick- 
ford,  y'understand,  they  couldn't  stick  their  head 
outside  the  door  without  a  newspaper  reporter  is 
standing  there  and  starts  right  in  to  ask  them 
their  opinion  about  the  things  which  they  are 
supposed  to  know." 

"And  what  is  the  Crown  Prince  supposed  to 
know?"  Morris  asked. 

"Not  much  that  Mary  Pickford  don't  about 
things  in  general,"  Abe  said,  "and  a  good  deal 
less  than  she  does  about  moving  pictures,  but 
otherwise  I  should  put  them  about  on  a  par,  ex 
cept  that  Mary  Pickford  has  got  a  brighter  future, 
Mawruss,  which  I  see  that  one  of  these  here  news- 

196 


JULY  THE  FIRST  AND  AFTER 

paper  fellers  got  an  interview  with  the  Crown 
Prince  which  'ain't  been  denied  as  yet.  It  took 
place  in  an  island  in  Holland  where  the  Crown 
Prince  is  living  in  retirement  with  a  private  chef, 
a  private  secretary,  a  couple  of  private  valets,  his 
personal  physician,  and  the  nine  or  ten  other  per 
sonal  attendants  that  a  Hohenzollern  cuts  himself 
down  to  while  he  is  roughing  it  in  Holland,  Maw- 
russ.  When  the  newspaper  feller  spoke  to  him  he 
was  wearing  the  uniform  of  a  colonel  in  the  Eighth 
Pomeranian  Crown  Prince's  Own  Regiment,  which 
is  now  known  as  the  William  J.  Noske  Associa 
tion,  of  black  tulle  over  a  midnight-blue  satin 
underdress — the  whole  thing  embroidered  in  gray 
silk  braid  and  blue  beads.  A  very  delicate  piece 
of  rose  point-lace  was  arranged  as  a  fichu,  Maw- 
russ,  and  over  it  he  wore  a  Lavin  cape  of  black 
silk  jersey  with  a  monkey-fur  collar  and  slashed 
pockets.  It  would  appear  from  the  article  which 
the  newspaper  feller  wrote  that  the  Crown  Prince 
didn't  seem  to  be  especially  talkative." 

"In  these  here  interviews  which  newspaper  fel 
lers  gets  in  Europe,  Abe,"  Morris  commented,  "the 
party  interviewed  never  does  seem  to  be  talkative. 
In  fact,  he  hardly  figures  at  all,  because  such 
articles  usually  consist  of  fifty  per  cent,  what  a 
lot  of  difficulties  the  correspondent  was  smart 
enough  to  overcome  in  getting  the  interview, 
twenty-five  per  cent,  description,  twenty-two  and 
a  quarter  what  the  correspondent  said  to  the 
party  interviewed,  and  not  more  than  two  and 
three-quarters  per  cent,  interview." 

197 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

"Whatever  way  it  was,  Mawruss,  the  Crown 
Prince  didn't  exactly  unbosom  himself  to  this  here 
reporter,  but  he  said  enough  to  show  that  he 
wasn't  far  behind  Mr.  Vanderlip  when  it  comes  to 
taking  a  dark  view  of  things  as  a  result  of  losing 
his  job,  Mawruss,"  Abe  continued. 

"Probably  he  took  even  a  darker  view  of  it 
than  Mr.  Vanderlip,"  Morris  suggested,  "because 
there  are  lots  of  openings  for  bank  president,  but 
if  you  are  out  of  a  job  as  a  crown  prince,  what  is 
it,  in  particular  if  your  reference  ain't  good?" 

"He  didn't  seem  to  be  worrying  about  his  own 
future,"  Abe  continued,  "but  he  seemed  to  think 
that  if  the  old  man  got  tried  by  the  Allies,  Maw 
russ,  the  shock  would  kill  him." 

"Many  a  murderer  got  tried  by  the  Court  of 
General  Sessions,  even,  and  subsequently  the  shock 
killed  them,  Abe,"  Morris  said.  "What  is  elec 
tric  chairs  for,  anyway?" 

"But  he  told  the  reporter  that  you  wouldn't 
have  any  idea  how  old  the  old  man  is  looking," 
Abe  went  on. 

"He  shouldn't  take  so  much  wood-cutting  exer 
cise,"  Morris  said.  "The  first  thing  you  know, 
he  would  injure  himself  for  life,  even  if  he  ain't 
going  to  live  long." 

"Don't  fool  yourself,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said,  "the 
Kaiser  ain't  going  to  die  from  nothing  more  violent 
than  a  rich,  unbalanced  diet,  y'understand,  and 
as  for  the  Crown  Prince,  he's  got  it  all  figured  out 
that  he  will  return  to  Germany  and  go  into  the 
farming  business,  and  there  ain't  no  provided-I- 

198 


JULY  THE  FIRST  AND  AFTER 

beat-the-indictment  about  it,  neither,  because  he 
knows  as  well  as  you  do  that  the  Allies  would 
never  have  the  nerve  to  try  either  one  of  them 
crooks." 

"Nobody  seems  to  have  the  nerve  to  do  any 
thing  nowadays,  except  the  Bolshevists,  Abe," 
Morris  said,  with  a  sigh.  "Here  up  to  a  few  days 
ago  the  Bolshevist  government  of  Russia  had  been 
running  a  New  York  office  on  West  Forty-second 
Street,  with  gold  lettering  on  the  door,  a  staff  of 
stenographers,  and  a  private  branch  exchange,  and 
the  New  York  police  didn't  pay  no  more  attention 
to  them  than  if  they  would  of  been  running  a  pool 
room  with  a  roulette-wheel  in  the  rear  office. 
The  consequence  was  that  when  them  Bolshevists 
finally  got  pulled,  Abe,  they  beefed  so  terrible 
about  how  they  were  being  prosecuted  in  viola 
tion  of  the  Constitution  and  the  Code  of  Civil 
Procedure,  y'understand,  that  you  would  think 
the  bombs  which  Mr.  Palmer  and  them  judges 
nearly  got  killed  with  was  being  exploded  pursuant 
to  Section  4244  of  the  United  States  Revised 
Statutes  and  the  acts  amendatory  thereof,  Abe." 

"And  we  let  them  cutthroats  do  business  yet!" 
Abe  exclaimed. 

"Well,  in  a  way,  I  don't  blame  the  Bolshevists 
for  not  knowing  how  to  take  the  behavior  of  the 
American  government  towards  them,  Abe,"  Mor 
ris  declared.  "If  we  only  had  one  way  of  treating 
them  and  stick  to  it,  Abe,  it  would  help  people 
like  this  here  ex-custom-house  feller  Dudley  Field 
Malone  and  this  ex-Red  Cross  feller  Robins  to 

199 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

know  where  they  stood  in  the  matter  of  Bolshe 
vism.  But  when  even  the  United  States  army 
itself  don't  know  whether  it  is  for  the  Bolshevists 
or  against  them,  Abe,  how  could  you  expect  this 
here  Robins  to  know,  either,  let  alone  the 
Bolshevists?" 

"But  I  thought  this  country  was  against  Bol 
shevism,"  Abe  said. 

"As  far  as  I  can  gather,  Abe,  the  United  States 
is  against  Bolshevism  officially  on  Monday, 
Wednesday,  and  Friday,  and  on  Saturday  from 
nine  to  twelve,  and  it  is  for  Admiral  Kolchak  on 
Tuesday  and  Thursday,"  Morris  said.  "At  any 
rate,  that's  what  one  would  think  from  reading  the 
newspapers.  Fiume  is  the  same  way,  Abe.  The 
United  States  is  in  favor  of  ceding  Fiume  to  the 
Italians  during  three  days  in  the  week  of  eight 
working-hours  each,  except  in  the  sporting  five- 
star  edition,  when  Fiume  is  going  to  be  interna 
tionalized.  However,  Abe,  the  United  States 
wants  to  be  quite  fair  about  preserving  the  rights 
of  small  nationalities,  so  we  concede  Fiume  to  the 
Jugo-Slobs  in  at  least  two  editions  of  the  pink 
evening  papers  and  in  the  special  magazine  sec 
tion  of  the  Sunday  papers." 

"Well,  the  way  I  feel  about  Bolshevism,  I  am 
against  it  every  day  in  the  week,  including  Sun 
days,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said,  "and  if  I  would  be 
running  a  newspaper,  I  would  show  them  up  in 
every  edition  from  the  night  edition  that  comes 
out  at  half  past  eight  in  the  morning,  down  to  the 
special  ten-o'clock-p.m.  extra,  which  sometimes  is 

200 


delayed  till  as  late  as  five  forty-five.  Further 
more,  while  variety  makes  a  spicy  life,  Mawruss, 
newspapers  are  supposed  to  tell  you  the  news, 
and  while  it  may  be  agreeably  exciting  to  some 
people  when  they  read  on  Monday,  Wednesday, 
and  Friday  that  the  Germans  would  positively 
sign  the  amended  Treaty  of  Peace,  and  on  Tues 
day,  Thursday,  and  Saturday  that  they  positively 
wouldn't  do  nothing  of  the  kind,  y'understand, 
I  am  getting  so  used  to  it  that  it  don't  even  make 
me  mad  no  longer." 

"The  newspapers  has  got  to  suit  all  tastes,  Abe," 
Morris  observed. 

"But  the  taste  for  Bolshevism  ain't  a  taste, 
Mawruss,  it's  a  smell,"  Abe  concluded,  "and  who 
ever  has  got  it  shouldn't  ought  to  be  encouraged. 
He  should  ought  to  be  disinfected,  and  that's  all 
there  is  to  it." 


XXI 

WHAT     THE    PUBLIC     WANTS,    ECONOMICALLY    AND 
THEATRICALLY 

'  T  SEE  where  a  minister  said  the  other  day  he 

-••  couldn't  understand  why  it  was  that  fellers  in 
the  theayter  business  goes  to  work  and  puts  on 
the  kind  of  shows  which  they  do  put  on,  Mawruss," 
Abe  Potash  said,  a  few  days  after  the  ministerial 
controversy  over  a  certain  phase  of  the  Broadway 
drama. 

"Maybe  they  got  hopes  that  quite  a  number  of 
people  would  pay  money  to  see  such  shows,  Abe," 
Morris  suggested,  "because  so  far  as  I  could  tell 
from  the  few  fellers  in  the  theayter  business  whose 
acquaintance  I  couldn't  avoid  making,  Abe,  they 
are  business  men  the  same  like  other  business  men, 
y'understand,  and  what  they  are  trying  to  do  is  to 
suit  the  tastes  of  their  customers." 

"But  what  them  ministers  claims  is  that  them 
customers  shouldn't  ought  to  have  such  tastes," 
Abe  said. 

"That  is  up  to  the  ministers  and  not  the  fellers 
in  the  theayter  business,"  Morris  said.  "Theay 
ter  managers  ain't  equipped  in  the  head  to  give 
people  lectures  on  how  terrible  it  is  that  people 
should  like  to  see  the  plays  they  like  to  see,  be- 

202 


WHAT  THE  PUBLIC  WANTS 

cause  as  a  general  thing  a  feller  in  the  theayter 
business  is  the  same  as  a  feller  in  the  garment 
business  or  grocery  business — he  didn't  have  to 
pass  no  examination  to  go  into  such  a  business, 
and  what  a  theayter  feller  don't  know  about  de 
livering  sermons,  Abe,  if  a  minister  would  know 
it  about  the  show  business,  y'understand,  instead 
of  drawing  down  three  thousand  a  year  telling 
people  to  do  what  they  don't  want  to  do,  under 
stand  me,  he  would  be  looking  round  for  a  nice, 
fully  rented,  sixteen-story  apartment-house  in 
which  to  invest  the  profits  from  a  show  by  the 
name,  we  would  say,  for  example,  'Early  to  Bed. ' ' 

"But  the  trouble  with  the  theayter  fellers  is 
that  they  think  any  show  which  a  lot  of  people 
would  pay  money  to  see,  Mawruss,  is  a  good 
show,"  Abe  declared. 

"Why  shouldn't  the  managers  think  that?" 
Morris  asked.  "If  the  ministers  had  the  people 
trained  right,  any  show  which  a  lot  of  people 
would  pay  money  to  see  should  ought  to  be  a  good 
show." 

"You  think  the  ministers  could  train  people  to 
like  a  good  show!"  Abe  exclaimed.  "It's  human 
nature  for  people  to  like  the  kind  of  show  they  do 
like,  Mawruss,  and  how  could  ministers,  even  if 
they  would  be  the  biggest  tzadeekim  in  the  world, 
change  human  nature?" 

"That's  what  I  am  trying  to  tell  you,  Abe," 
Morris  said.  "The  theayter  managers  simply 
supply  a  demand  which  already  exists,  Abe,  and 
they  are  as  much  to  blame  for  the  conditions 

15  203 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

which  creates  that  demand  as  you  could  blame  a 
manufacturer  of  heavy-weight  underwear  for  cold 
winter  weather." 

"But  why  should  the  theayter  manager  try  to 
supply  an  unhealthy  demand,  Mawruss?"  Abe 
asked 

"The  demand  for  heavy  winter  underwear  is 
also  unhealthy,  Abe,"  Morris  said.  "In  America, 
where  the  houses  is  heated,  heavy  underwear 
would  give  you  a  cold,  whereas  in  Norway  and 
Sweden  the  demand  for  heavy  underwear  is 
healthy  because  Norway  and  Sweden  houses  is 
like  Norway  and  Sweden  plays,  Abe,  they  are 
constructed  differently  from  the  American  fash 
ion.  They  are  built  solid,  but  there  ain't  no  light 
and  heat  in  them,  and  yet,  Abe,  the  highbrows 
which  is  kicking  about  the  American  style  of 
plays  is  crazy  about  these  here  Norway  and 
Sweden  plays  and  want  American  theayter  man 
agers  to  put  on  plays  like  them.  In  other  words, 
Abe,  they  are  arguing  in  favor  of  the  manufacture 
and  sale  of  heavy  winter  underwear  for  an  exclu 
sively  B.  V.  D.  trade,  and  so,  therefore,  such  high 
brows  could  be  ministers  or  they  could  be  dramatic 
crickets,  Abe,  but  they  might  just  so  well  save 
their  breath  with  such  arguments,  because  the 
customer  buys  what  he  wants  to  buy,  and  what 
the  customer  wants  to  buy  the  manufacturer  manu 
factures,  and  that's  all  there  is  to  it." 

"And  now  that  you  have  settled  this  here  ques 
tion  of  them  *  Early  to  Bed'  plays,  Mawruss," 
Abe  said,  "would  you  kindly  tell  me  what  the  idea 

204 


WHAT  THE  PUBLIC  WANTS 

of  them  Germans  was  in  sinking  all  them  white- 
elephant  war-ships  which  everybody  with  any 
sense  wished  was  at  the  bottom  of  the  ocean, 
anyway,  y'understand?" 

"Well,  I'll  tell  you,  Abe,"  Morris  began.  "Them 
Germans  being  German,  y'understand,  and  having 
signed  an  armistice  where  they  agreed  to  take 
them  war-ships  to  an  Allied  port  and  keep  them 
there,  y'understand,  just  couldn't  resist  breaking 
their  word  and  sinking  them  war-ships." 

"But  don't  you  think,  Mawruss,  that  when 
the  Allies  allowed  the  Germans  to  sign  such  an 
armistice  they  was  awful  careless,"  Abe  said, 
"because  if  they  wanted  them  war-ships  to  stay 
afloat,  Mawruss,  all  they  had  to  do  was  to  make 
the  Germans  sign  an  agreement  not  to  take  them 
war-ships  to  Allied  ports  and  sink  them  there,  and 
the  thing  was  done." 

"How  do  you  know  that  the  Allies  didn't  get 
them  Germans  to  agree  the  way  they  did,  so  as 
to  get  rid  of  all  them  war-ships  without  the 
trouble  and  expense  of  blowing  them  up?"  Morris 
asked. 

"I  don't  know  it,"  Abe  admitted,  "but  even 
to-day  yet,  Mawruss,  them  Allied  diplomatists  is 
acting  like  they  thought  deep  down  in  their  hearts 
that  there  was  a  little  honor — a  little  truth — left 
in  them  Germans  somewhere,  Mawruss,  so  the 
chance  is  that  when  that  armistice  was  signed, 
the  Allies  thought  that  at  last  the  Germans  was 
going  to  stand  by  a  signed  agreement.  However, 
it  seems  to  me,  Mawruss,  that  there  should  ought 

205 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

to  be  an  end  to  this  here  better-luck-next-time 
attitude  towards  the  Germans'  idea  of  honor  on 
the  part  of  the  Allies." 

"Well,  what  are  you  going  to  do  with  such  peo 
ple,  Abe?"  Morris  asked. 

"To  me  it's  a  business  proposition,  Mawruss," 
Abe  said,  "and  the  way  I  feel  about  this  here 
Peace  Treaty  is  that  it  is  nothing  but  composi 
tion  notes,  signed  by  the  Germans  without  in 
dorsement  by  anybody.  Now  you  know  as  well 
as  I  do,  Mawruss,  if  a  bankrupt  owes  you  money 
and  he  has  got  same  assets,  you  ain't  going  to 
take  composition  notes  for  the  entire  amount  of 
debts  and  let  the  bankrupt  keep  the  remains  of 
his  assets,  because  composition  notes  without 
indorsements  don't  deceive  nobody,  Mawruss.  If 
I  get  from  a  bankrupt  unindorsed  composition 
notes,  I  simply  put  them  away  in  my  safe  and 
forget  about  them,  which  if  a  bankrupt  ever  paid 
his  unindorsed  composition  notes  he  would  be 
adding  murder  to  his  other  crimes  on  account  the 
holders  of  such  composition  notes  would  drop 
dead  from  astonishment." 

"The  death-rate  from  such  a  cause  among  busi 
ness  men  ain't  high,  Abe,"  Morris  commented. 

"If  I  was  an  accident-insurance  company's 
actuary,  I  would  take  a  chance  and  leave  such  a 
cause  of  death  out  of  my  calculations,"  Abe  agreed. 
"It  never  happens,  and  so,  therefore,  Mawruss,  if 
Germany  lives  up  to  the  terms  of  the  Peace  Treaty 
it  would  only  be  because  the  German  signature  is 
guaranteed  by  the  indorsement  of  a  large  Allied 

206 


WHAT  THE  PUBLIC  WANTS 

Army  of  Occupation,  and,  therefore,  if  we've  got 
to  do  it  first  as  last,  why  monkey  around  with  a 
new  German  Cabinet?  Why  not  close  up  the 
Peace  Conference  sine  die,,  tell  Germany  her  com 
position  notes  ain't  acceptable,  y'understand,  and 
proceed  to  make  a  levy  and  sale  with  the  com 
bined  armies  of  the  Allies  as  deputy-sheriffs,  Maw- 
russ,  because  not  only  are  the  Germans  bank 
rupts,  but  they  are  fraudulent  bankrupts,  and  on 
fraudulent  bankrupts  nobody  should  have  no 
mercy  at  all?" 

"But  don't  you  think  it  might  be  just  as  well  to 
give  the  Germans  a  few  days'  grace  and  see  how  this 
here  new  Cabinet  goes  to  work?"  Morris  suggested. 

"You  don't  have  to  know  how  it  works,  Maw- 
russ,"  Abe  replied.  "All  you  have  to  do  is  to 
know  how  it  was  formed  and  you  can  guess  how  it 
would  work,  which  I  bet  yer  that  Erzberger  got 
together  with  von  Brockdorff-Rantzau  and  they 
combed  over  the  list  of  candidates  to  get  just  the 
right  kind  of  people  for  a  German  Cabinet,  be 
cause  the  ordinary  tests  which  they  use  in  Eng 
land,  France,  or  America,  Mawruss,  don't  apply  to 
Germany.  You've  got  to  be  awful  careful  in 
forming  a  German  Cabinet,  Mawruss,  otherwise 
you  are  liable  to  have  slipped  in  on  you  just  one 
decent,  respectable  man  with  an  idea  of  keeping 
his  word  and  doing  the  right  thing,  Mawruss,  and 
by  a  little  carelessness  like  that,  understand  me, 
the  whole  Cabinet  is  ruined.  However,  Mawruss, 
you  could  take  it  from  me  that  a  couple  of  experi 
enced  Cabinet-formers  like  this  here  Erzberger 

207 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

and  von  Brockdorff-Rantzau  didn't  fall  down  on 
their  job,  and  I  bet  yer  that  every  member  of  the 
new  Cabinet  is  keeping  up  the  best  traditions  of 
the  good  old  German  spirit,  which  is  to  be  able  to 
look  the  whole  world  straight  in  the  eye  and  lie 
like  the  devil,  y'understand." 

"Then  you  think  this  Cabinet  wouldn't  act  no 
different  to  the  other  Cabinets?"  Morris  said. 

"Not  if  the  Allies  don't  act  different,"  Abe  said, 
"and  where  the  Allies  made  their  first  big  mistake 
was  the  opening  session  at  Versailles,  when  the 
usher  or  the  janitor  or  whoever  had  charge  of 
such  things  didn't  take  von  Brockdorff-Rantzau, 
by  the  back  of  his  neck  and  yank  him  to  his  feet 
after  he  started  to  talk  without  rising  from  his 
chair,  because  the  Germans  is  very  quick  to  take 
a  tip  that  way,  Mawruss.  Whatever  they  put  over 
once,  they  think  they  could  put  over  again,  and 
since  that  time  all  arguments  the  Germans  has 
made  about  the  Peace  Treaty  have  been,  so  to 
speak,  delivered  by  the  German  people  and  the 
German  Cabinet,  not  only  seated,  y'understand, 
but  also  with  the  feet  cocked  up  on  the  desk,  the 
hat  on,  and  in  the  corner  of  the  mouth  a  typical 
German  cigar  which  is  made  up  of  equal  parts 
hay  and  scrap  rubber  blended  with  the  Vossicher 
Zeitung  and  beet-tops  and  smells  accordingly." 

"Well,  it  is  one  of  the  good  qualities  of  the 
American  people  that  before  they  get  good  and 
sore,  as  they  have  a  right  to  do,  Abe,  they  will  put 
up  with  a  whole  lot  of  bad  manners  from  people 
that  they  deal  with,"  Morris  said.  "Take,  for 

208 


WHAT  THE  PUBLIC  WANTS 

instance,  these  here  foreign-born  Reds  which  they 
held  a  meeting  in  Madison  Square  Garden  the 
other  evening,  and  if  they  said  in  any  other  country 
about  the  government  what  they  said  in  Madison 
Square  Garden,  y'understand,  the  owner  of  Madi 
son  Square  Garden  would  of  pocketed  thousands 
of  dollars  for  the  moving-picture  rights  of  the 
bayoneting  alone.  But  we  don't  do  business  that 
way.  There  ain't  no  satisfaction  in  bayoneting  a 
lot  of  people  for  being  fresh  and  not  knowing  how 
to  behave.  Fining  them  and  putting  them  in 
prison  is  also  no  relief  to  our  feeling,  neither. 
What  we  really  itch  to  do,  Abe,  is  to  act  the  way 
a  man  would  act  if  he  gives  somebody  food  and 
shelter  in  his  home,  and,  as  soon  as  such  a  schnorrer 
feels  refreshed  by  what  he  has  eaten  and  the 
good  bed  he  has  slept  in,  he  turns  on  his  host  and, 
after  insulting  the  members  of  the  household, 
tries  to  wreck  the  furniture  and  set  the  house  on 
fire.  Such  a  feller  you  would  first  kick  as  many 
times  as  you  had  the  strength;  you  would  then 
duck  him  in  the  nearest  body  of  water,  provided 
it  was  muddy  enough,  and  after  he  had  come  up 
for  the  third  time  you  would  fish  him  out  and  ride 
him  on  a  rail  to  the  town  limits  and  there  you 
would  advise  him  never  to  show  his  face  around 
them  parts  again." 

"But  as  I  understand  this  here  Red  meeting, 
Mawruss,"  Abe  said,  "it  was  something  more  as 
not  knowing  how  to  behave.  Practically  every 
speaker  told  the  audience  that  they  should  rise 
up  against  the  government." 

209 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

"Sure  I  know,  Abe,"  Morris  agreed,  "but  the 
audience  was  composed  of  people  who  had  al 
ready  made  up  their  minds  that  they  should  rise 
up  against  the  government,  and  there  is  only  one 
thing  which  prevents  them  from  rising  up — they 
'ain't  got  the  nerve.  Furthermore,  them  speakers 
could  go  on  advising  till  they  got  clergyman's 
sore  throat  from  the  violent  language  they  was 
using,  and  that  audience  could  sit  there  being 
advised  till  the  management  of  Madison  Square 
Garden  dispossessed  the  meeting  for  non-payment 
of  rent,  y'understand,  and  still  that  audience 
wouldn't  have  the  nerve.  Them  Reds  are  a  lot 
of  rabbits,  Abe.  They  could  rise  up  in  Russia 
and  Hungary  against  a  lot  of  rabbits,  y'under 
stand,  but  over  here  the  most  them  rabbits  has 
got  the  courage  to  do  is  to  plant  a  few  bombs,  of 
which  one  or  two  has  been  ungrateful  enough  to 
bite  the  hand  that  threw  them,  understand  me, 
but  as  soon  as  them  Red  rabbits  discovers  that  the 
percentage  of  mortality  among  bomb-throwers  is 
equal  to  the  death-rate  from  some  such  rare  dis 
ease  as  sleeping-sickness  or  beriberi,  Abe,  they 
wouldn't  even  have  the  nerve  to  throw  bombs." 

"Still,  I  think  the  District  Attorney  should 
ought  to  do  something  about  that  Madison  Square 
meeting,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said,  "because  even  if 
Madison  Square  Garden  would  have  been  only 
one-tenth  filled,  considering  the  high  price  of  rails 
in  the  present  steel-market  and  the  distance  of 
Madison  Square  from  muddy  water,  Mawruss,  it 

would  be  anyhow  unpractical  to  duck  or  ride  on 

210 


WHAT  THE  PUBLIC  WANTS 

rails  the  number  of  Reds  which  attended  that 
meeting,  even  supposing  enough  respectable  peo 
ple  could  be  found  who  would  take  the  trouble." 

"As  a  matter  of  fact,  Abe,"  Morris  said,  "it 
don't  even  pay  to  encourage  them  speech-making 
Reds  by  thinking  they  are  important  enough  to 
be  ducked  in  muddy  water.  After  all,  most  of 
them  are  still  young  and  sooner  or  later  they 
would  got  to  go  to  work,  and  once  a  man  goes  to 
work  in  this  country  it  is  only  a  matter  of  time 
when  he  gets  up  into  the  capitalistic  class." 

"There  is  also  another  thing  to  be  considered 
about  these  here  Reds,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said.  "As 
Reds,  they  couldn't  be  taken  altogether  seriously, 
because  Reds  would  be  Reds  only  up  to  a  certain 
point.  After  that  they're  Yellow." 


XXII 

THEY    DISCUSS    THE    SIGNING    OF    IT 

"\7"ES,  Mawruss,  when  the  history  of  this  here 

-*•  Peace  Conference  is  written,  y 'understand, 
a  whole  lot  of  things  which  up  to  now  has  been 
mysteries  will  be  made  very  plain  to  the  people 
which  has  got  twenty-five  dollars  to  invest  in 
such  a  history  and  the  spare  time  in  which  to 
read  it,"  Abe  Potash  said  to  his  partner  Morris 
Perlmutter  a  few  days  after  the  treaty  was  signed. 

"There  will  be  a  great  many  people  who  will 
try  to  find  the  time  at  that,"  Morris  commented, 
"because  I  see  by  the  morning  paper  that  one 
of  Mr.  Wilson's  relatives  has  bought  for  him  in 
Southern  California  a  piece  of  property  especially 
for  Mr.  Wilson  to  write  the  history  of  the  Peace 
Conference  in,  and  why  should  he  go  to  all  that 
expense  if  there  wasn't  a  big  market  for  such  a 
history?" 

"I  wonder  did  Mr.  Wilson  have  to  pay  much 
money  for  the  history  rights  to  the  Peace  Con 
ference?"  Abe  asked. 

"  What  do  you  mean — did  he  pay  much  money?" 
Morris  exclaimed.  "Anybody  can  write  a  his 
tory  of  the  Peace  Conference  without  paying  a 
cent  for  the  privilege,  and  even  if  they  couldn't, 

212 


THEY  DISCUSS  THE  SIGNING  OF  IT 

y'understand,  who  is  going  to  bid  against  Mr. 
Wilson,  because  when  it  comes  to  what  actually 
happened  at  them  confidential  meetings  between 
Mr.  Wilson,  Clemenceau,  and  Lord  George,  Abe, 
Mr.  Wilson  had  a  monopoly  of  the  raw  material 
in  the  history  line.  He  didn't  even  let  Colonel 
House  in  on  it,  so  you  can  bet  your  life  if  there 
was  any  competitors  of  Mr.  Wilson  trying  to  get 
a  few  ideas  for  a  competing  line  of  popular-price 
Peace  Conference  histories,  Abe,  Mr.  Wilson 
didn't  exactly  unbosom  himself  to  them  historians, 
neither,  because  a  diplomatic  secret  is  a  diplomatic 
secret,  Abe,  but  when  in  addition,  the  diplomat 
is  counting  on  writing  a  history  of  them  diplo 
matic  doings,  Abe,  diplomatic  secrets  become 
trade  secrets." 

"It  seems  to  me,  Mawruss,  that  while  you 
couldn't  blame  Mr.  Wilson  for  writing  a  history 
of  the  Peace  Conference  for  a  living  after  he  loses 
his  job  in  March,  1921,"  Abe  continued,  "still  at 
the  same  time,  considering  that  Mr.  Wilson  has 
taken  such  a  prominent  part  in  this  here  Peace 
Conference,  and  considering  also  that  Mr.  Wilson 
is  only  human,  no  matter  what  Senator  Reed 
might  say  otherwise,  don't  you  think  he  is  going 
to  have  a  difficult  time  in  deciding  for  himself 
just  where  history  leaves  off  and  advertising 
begins?" 

"The  probabilities  is  that  he  wouldn't  give 
himself  a  shade  the  worst  of  it,  if  that's  what  you 
mean,"  Morris  observed,  "but  as  to  whether  or 
not  such  a  history  would  be  the  equivalent  of  an 

213 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

actor  writing  a  criticism  of  his  own  performance, 
Abe,  that  I  couldn't  say,  because  the  chances  is 
that  when  Lord  George  gets  through  with  the 
job  of  chief  Cabinet  Minister  or  whatever  his  job 
is  called,  he  would  also  try  his  hand  at  writing  a 
history,  and  if  that  is  the  case,  you  could  make  up 
your  mind  to  it  that  Clemenceau  ain't  going  to 
sit  down  at  his  time  of  life  and  let  them  two  his 
torians  put  it  all  over  him.  So,  therefore,  if  Mr. 
Wilson  should  feel  like  writing  in  his  history: 
'At  this  point,  things  was  at  a  standstill  and 
nobody  seemed  to  know  what  to  do  next,  when 
suddenly  some  one  made  a  suggestion  which 
cleared  up  the  whole  situation.  It  was  Woodrow 
Wilson  who  spoke' — y 'understand,  he  will  figure 
that  Lord  George  is  probably  going  to  say  in  his 
history:  'At  this  point  the  Peace  Conference  was 
up  against  it  and  it  looked  like  the  bottom  had 
fallen  out  of  everything,  when  like  a  voice  from 
heaven,  somebody  made  a  remark  which  smoothed 
away  all  difficulties.  It  was  Lord  George  who 
came  to  the  rescue.'  The  consequence  will  be 
that  both  of  them  historians  will  beat  Clemenceau 
to  it,  by  giving  credit  for  the  suggestion  to  the 
feller  who  made  it,  even  if  it  would  have  been 
Orlando  himself." 

"But  suppose  Mr.  Wilson  actually  did  make 
the  suggestion,  Mawruss,  and  in  the  interests  of 
telling  the  strict  truth  about  the  matter,  he  feels 
that  he  is  obliged  to  mention  it  in  his  history," 
Abe  said,  "he's  bound  to  run  up  against  a  big 
chorus  of  Yows!" 

214 


THEY  DISCUSS  THE  SIGNING  OF  IT 

"Well,  so  far  as  I  could  see,  nobody  compels 
Mr.  Wilson  to  write  a  history  of  that  Peace  Con 
ference  if  he  don't  want  to,"  Morris  replied,  "and 
if  he  should  decide  not  to  do  so,  he  could  always 
rent  that  Southern  California  property  furnished 
for  the  season,  or  if  he  feels  that  he  must  occupy 
it  himself  for  history  business  purposes,  he  could 
anyhow  write  a  domestic  History  of  the  United 
States  from  December  5,  1918,  to  July  6,  1919, 
both  inclusive,  in  which  his  name  need  hardly 
occur  at  all.  But  joking  to  one  side,  Abe,  when 
the  history  of  this  here  Peace  Conference  gets 
written,  it  don't  make  no  difference  who  writes 
it,  he  ain't  going  to  be  able  to  ignore  Mr.  Wilson 
exactly.  In  fact,  Abe,  the  history  of  this  here 
Peace  Conference  is  going  to  be  more  or  less 
principally  about  Mr.  Wilson,  and  if  the  feller 
who  writes  it  wouldn't  be  exactly  Senator  Lodge, 
y'understand,  the  truth  is  bound  to  leak  out  that 
Mr.  Wilson  did  a  wonderful  job  over  in  Paris. 
Of  course  he  made  a  whole  lot  of  enemies  over  here, 
but  then  he  also  made  a  whole  lot  of  peace  over 
there,  Abe,  and,  after  all,  that  is  what  he  went 
there  for." 

"Still  I  couldn't  help  thinking  that  from  a 
business  point  of  view,  Mawruss,  the  Peace  Con 
ference  suffered  a  good  deal  from  poor  manage 
ment,"  Abe  said.  "Take  for  instance  the  signing 
of  the  Peace  Treaty  in  Mirror  Hall,  Versailles,  and 
properly  worked  up,  the  Allies  could  of  made 
enough  out  of  that  one  show  alone  to  pay  for  all 
the  ships  that  Germany  sank  a  few  days  ago, 

215 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

which  holding  a  thing  like  that  in  a  hall,  Mawruss, 
is  a  sample  of  what  kind  of  management  there 
was." 

"They  had  the  Germans  sign  that  Peace  Treaty 
in  that  hall  because  it  was  the  same  hall  where 
them  Germans  made  the  French  sign  the  Peace 
Treaty  in  1870,"  Morris  explained. 

"Sure  I  know,"  Abe  said,  "but  what  did  they 
know  about  such  things  in  1870?  Even  grand 
opera  they  gave  in  halls  in  them  days,  which,  con 
sidering  the  amount  of  interest  there  was  in  the 
signing  of  the  Peace  Treaty,  Mawruss,  I  bet  yer 
enough  people  was  turned  away  from  Mirror  Hall, 
Versailles,  to  more  than  fill  five  halls  of  the  same 
size.  As  it  was,  Mawruss,  so  many  people  crowded 
into  that  Mirror  Hall  that  nobody  could  see  any 
thing,  and  the  consequence  was  that  when  Clemen- 
ceau  begun  his  speech  the  disorder  was  something 
terrible." 

"I  suppose  his  opening  remark  was:   'Koosh! 
What  is  this?      A  Kaffeeklatsch  or  something?" 
Morris  remarked,  satirically. 

"It  might  just  so  well  have  been,  for  all  any 
body  heard  of  it,"  Abe  went  on.  "In  fact,  the 
papers  say  that  all  through  it  there  was  loud 
cries  of,  'Down  in  front!'  from  people  which  had 
probably  bought  their  tickets  at  the  last  moment 
off  of  a  speculator  who  showed  them  a  diagram 
of  Mirror  Hall,  Batesville,  and  not  Versailles,  on 
which  it  looked  like  they  was  getting  four  good 
ones  in  the  fifth  row,  center  aisle,  Mawruss." 

"Probably  also  while  Clemenceau  was   speak- 

216 


THEY  DISCUSS  THE  SIGNING  OF  IT 

ing,  there  was  difficulty  in  calling  off  the  score- 
card  and  ice-cream-cone  venders,"  Morris  said. 

"I  am  telling  you  just  exactly  what  I  read  it 
in  the  newspapers,"  Abe  said,  "which  there  ain't 
no  call  to  get  sarcastic,  Mawruss.  The  signing 
of  that  treaty  was  arranged  just  the  same  like 
any  other  show  is  arranged,  except  that  the 
arrangements  wasn't  quite  so  good.  The  idea  was 
to  make  it  impressive  by  keeping  it  very  plain, 
and  that  is  where  the  Allies,  to  my  mind,  made 
a  big  mistake,  because  the  people  to  be  impressed 
was  the  Germans,  and  what  sort  of  an  impression 
would  that  signing  of  the  Peace  Treaty  by  dele 
gates  in  citizen  clothes  make  on  a  country  where 
a  station  agent  looks  like  a  colonel  and  a  colonel 
looks  like  the  combined  annual  conventions  of 
the  Knights  of  Pythias  and  the  I.  O.  M.  A." 

"The  chances  is  that  the  Allies  did  the  best  they 
could  with  the  short  time  they  had  for  prepara 
tion,  because  you  must  got  to  remember  that  the 
Germans  didn't  make  up  their  minds  to  sign  till 
two  days  before  the  signing,  and  considering  that 
the  President  of  the  United  States  wears  only  the 
uniform  prescribed  by  the  double-page  advertise 
ments  of  Rochester,  Chicago,  and  Baltimore 
clothing  manufacturers  for  people  who  ride  in 
closed  cars,  two  days  is  an  awful  short  time  to 
hire  a  really  impressive  uniform,  let  alone  to 
have  one  made  to  order,  Abe,"  Morris  said. 
"Furthermore,  Abe,  the  signing  of  that  Peace 
Treaty  could  have  been  put  on  by  the  feller  that 
runs  off  these  here  Follies  with  the  assistance  of 

217 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

George  M.  Cohan  and  the  management  of  the 
Metropolitan  Opera  House,  y'imderstand,  and 
the  costumes  could  have  been  designed  by  Ring- 
ling  Brothers,  with  a  few  hints  from  Rogers,  Peet, 
understand  me,  and  I  don't  believe  them  Ger 
mans  would  stick  to  the  terms  of  the  treaty 
anyway." 

"Europe  should  worry  about  that,  Mawruss," 
Abe  said.  "The  main  thing  is  that  the  peace 
is  signed  and  the  last  of  our  boys  would  soon  be 
home  again  from  Europe,  and  once  we  get  them 
back  again  in  this  country,  Mawruss,  it  oser 
would  make  any  difference  to  us  whether  Germany 
keeps  the  treaty  or  she  don't  keep  it,  Mawruss, 
the  chances  of  us  sending  our  boys  back  again 
is  pretty  slim." 

"But  under  section  ten  of  the  League  Covenant, 
Abe,"  Morris  began,  "the  time  might  come  when 
we  would  got  to  send  them." 

"Maybe,"  Abe  admitted,  "but  if  any  of  them 
European  nations  has  got  the  idea  that  because 
Germany  is  going  to  be  slow  pay  we  would 
oblige  with  a  few  million  troops,  Mawruss,  they've 
got  another  idea  coming.  We  are  a  nation,  not  a 
collection  agency,  and  no  amount  of  section  tens 
is  going  to  make  us  one,  either." 

"Well,  that  is  the  danger  of  this  here  League 
of  Nations,  Abe,"  Morris  said,  "and  if  the  Senate 
ratifies  it,  we  are  not  only  a  collection  agency, 
but  a  burglar  insurance  company  as  well,  and  in 
fact  some  of  the  Senators  goes  so  far  as  to  say 
that  we  ain't  so  much  insuring  people  against  the 

218 


THEY  DISCUSS  THE  SIGNING  OF  IT 

operations  of  burglars  as  insuring  burglars  against 
the  loss  of  their  ganevas." 

"I  know  the  Senators  is  saying  that,  and  I  also 
know  that  Mr.  Wilson  says  it  ain't  so,"  Abe  agreed, 
"but  this  here  fuss  about  international  affairs 
has  got  what  the  lawyers  calls  a  statue  of  limita 
tions  running  against  it  right  now,  and  I  give  both 
Mr.  Wilson  and  the  Senate  six  months,  and  they 
will  be  going  round  saying:  'Do  you  remember 
when  six  months  ago  we  got  so  terrible  worked  up 
over  that — now — National  League,'  and  some 
body  who  is  sitting  near  them  will  ask,  for  the 
sake  of  having  things  just  right,  'You  mean  that 
League  of  Nations,  ain't  it?'  and  Mr.  Wilson  will 
say:  *  League  of  Nations!  National  League! 
What's  the  difference?  Let's  have  another  round 
of  Old  Dr.  Turner's  Favorite  Asparagus  Tonic  and 
forget  about  it.' " 

"So  you  think  that  all  this  international 
politics  will  be  forgotten  as  quickly  as  that?" 
Morris  commented. 

"Say!"  Abe  said,  "it  won't  take  long  for  Mr. 
Wilson  to  settle  down  into  American  ways  again. 
Of  course  it  will  be  pretty  hard  for  him  during 
the  first  few  weeks,  whenever  he  gets  a  sick  head 
ache,  to  send  out  for  a  doctor  instead  of  an  ad 
miral,  and  he  may  miss  his  evening  schmooes 
with  Clemenceau,  Lord  George,  and  Orlando,  but 
any  one  that  will  have  such  a  lot  of  clav  hasholom 
times  to  talk  over  as  Mr.  Wilson  will  for  the  rest 
of  his  life,  even  if  he  does  have  to  hold  out  some 
of  the  stuff  for  his  History  of  the  Peace  Con- 

16  219 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

ference  in  three  volumes,  price  twenty-five  dollars, 
Mawruss,  would  never  need  to  play  double  soli 
taire  in  order  to  fill  in  the  time  between  supper 
and  seeing  is  the  pantry  window  locked  in  case 
Mrs.  Wilson  is  nervous  that  way.  Then  again 
there  is  things  happening  in  this  country  which 
looked  very  picayune  to  Mr.  Wilson  over  in 
France,  and  which  will  seem  so  big  when  he  arrives 
here  that  almost  as  soon  as  he  sets  his  foot  on  the 
dock  in  Hoboken,  the  League  of  Nations  will 
get  marked  off  in  his  mind  for  depreciation  as 
much  as  a  new  automobile  does  by  merely  having 
the  owner's  number  plates  attached  to  it,  even 
if  it  ain't  been  run  two  miles  from  the  agency  yet." 

"I  never  thought  of  it  that  way,"  Morris 
admitted,  "but  it  is  a  fact  just  the  same  that  this 
here  League  of  Nations  is  only  being  operated 
at  the  present  time  under  a  demonstrator's  license, 
so  to  speak,  and  as  soon  as  it  gets  its  regular 
number,  the  manufacturers  and  the  agents  won't 
be  so  sensitive  about  the  knocks  that  the  pros 
pective  customers  is  handing  it." 

"And  just  so  soon  as  the  demonstrations  have 
gone  far  enough,  Mawruss,  just  you  watch  all  the 
nations  of  the  earth  that  ain't  made  up  their 
minds  whether  they  want  to  ride  or  not,  jump 
aboard,"  Abe  said.  "Also,  Mawruss,  this  League 
of  Nations  is  to  the  United  States  Senate  what  a 
new-car  proposition  is  to  the  head  of  any  respect 
able  family.  If  the  wife  wants  it  and  the  children 
wants  it,  it  may  be  that  the  old  man  will  think  it 
over  for  a  couple  of  weeks,  and  he  may  begin  by 

220 


THEY  DISCUSS  THE  SIGNING  OF  IT 

saying  that  the  family  would  get  a  new  car  over 
his  dead  body,  and  what  do  they  think  he  is  made 
of,  money?  y'understand,  but  sooner  or  later  he  is 
going  to  sign  up  for  that  new  car,  and  don't  you 
forget  it.  And  after  all,  Mawruss,  if  the  other 
big  nations  is  in  on  this  League  of  Nations,  we 
could  certainly  afford  to  pay  our  share  of  what 
it  costs  to  run  it." 

"Maybe  we  could,"  Morris  concluded,  "but  if  a 
new  League  of  Nations  is  like  a  new  automobile, 
we  are  probably  in  for  an  expensive  time,  because 
with  a  new  car,  Abe,  it  ain't  what  you  run  that 
costs  so  much  money.  It's  what  you  back  into." 


XXIII 

THE   RECENT    UNPLEASANTNESS    IN    TOLEDO,  OHIO 

:'TF  we  would  only  had  our  wits  about  us  the 
-••  day  we  sent  for  the  policeman  to  put  out  that 
feller  we  had  running  the  elevator,  Mawruss, 
we  could  of  made  quite  a  lot  of  money  maybe," 
Abe  Potash  remarked  to  Morris  Perlmutter  a 
few  days  after  the  heavy-weight  title  changed 
hands. 

"If  we  would  only  had  our  wits  about  us  and 
you  had  taken  my  advice  to  let  the  feller  sleep 
off  his  jag  instead  of  hauling  in  a  policeman  to 
wake  him  up  and  throw  him  out,  Abe,"  Morris 
said,  "they  wouldn't  of  broken,  between  them, 
fifty  dollars'  worth  of  fixtures  and  ruined  a  lot  of 
garments  on  us." 

"Well,  that's  what  I  mean,  Mawruss,  which  is 
forty-five  thousand  people  could  be  persuaded 
into  paying  anywheres  from  ten  to  a  hundred 
dollars  apiece  to  see  that  nine-minute  affair  in 
Toledo  where  the  two  loafers  didn't  have  nothing 
against  one  another  personally  and  couldn't  of 
kept  their  minds  on  the  fight  anyhow  for  trying 
to  figure  their  share  of  the  profits,  y'understand, 
what  would  them  forty-five  thousand  meshugoyim 
paid  to  see  for  twenty  minutes  a  couple  of  fellers 

222 


RECENT  .UNPLEASANTNESS  IN  TOLEDO 

which  they  really  and  truly  wanted  to  kill  each 
other  without  any  intermissions  of  so  much  as 
two  seconds,  Mawruss?"  Abe  said. 

"Well,  I'll  tell  you,  Abe,"  Morris~said,  "these 
here  fight  fans  are  the  same  like  moving-picture 
fans;  they  would  a  whole  lot  sooner  pay  out 
money  to  see  the  imitation  article  than  the  real 
thing.  Tell  one  of  these  here  fight  fans  that  for 
ten  cents  you  would  let  him  know  where  at  half 
past  nine  o'clock  on  Monday  morning  an  iron- 
molder  has  got  an  appointment  to  meet  a  steve 
dore  who  used  to  be  engaged  to  the  iron-molder's 
sister  and  now  refuses  to  return  the  twenty-five 
dollars  he  borrowed  from  her  to  get  the  wedding- 
ring  and  the  marriage  license,  and  the  fight  fan 
would  ask  you  what  is  that  his  business.  Tell 
a  moving-picture  fan  that  there  is  a  family  over  on 
Tenth  Avenue  where  the  father  is  a  ringer  for 
William  S.  Hart  and  is  also  in  jail,  y 'understand, 
and  that  such  a  family  is  about  to  be  dispossessed 
for  non-payment  of  rent,  understand  me,  and  if 
you  made  an  offer  to  such  a  moving-picture  fan, 
that  for  a  contribution  of  fifteen  cents  toward 
finding  the  family  a  new  home,  you  would  show 
him  a  close-up  of  the  landlord,  of  the  notice  to 
quit  and  of  the  court-room  of  the  Municipal  Court 
of  the  City  of  New  York  for  the  Eleventh  Judicial 
District  where  such  proceedings  are  returnable, 
understand  me,  the  moving-picture  fan  wouldn't 
come  across  with  a  nickel,  not  even  if  you  under 
took  to  engage  the  entire  combined  orchestras 
of  the  Strand,  the  Rivoli,  and  the  Rial  to  moving- 

223 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

picture  theaters  to  play  'Hearts  and  Flowers' 
while  the  furniture  was  being  piled  on  the  moving- 
van.'* 

"I  wouldn't  blame  the  moving-picture  fan  at 
that,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said,  "because  if  such  a 
moving-picture  fan  would  see  one  of  these  here 
harrowing  William  S.  Hart  and  Mary  Pickford 
incidents  in  real  life,  Mawruss,  when  it  reached 
the  point  where  the  moving-picture  fan's  heart  is 
going  to  break  unless  there  would  be  a  quick  happy 
ending,  y'understand,  not  only  would  there  not 
be  a  happy  ending,  but  also,  Mawruss,  instead 
of  the  next  incident  being  a  Mack  Sennett  comedy 
in  real  life,  Mawruss,  it  might  be  something  so 
sad,  y'understand,  that  if  a  moving-picture  cor 
poration  would  try  to  reproduce  it  on  the  screen, 
it  would  cost  them  a  fortune  for  glycerin  alone." 

"A  moving-picture  fan's  heart  don't  break  so 
easy  as  all  that,  Abe,"  Morris  said.  "Moving- 
picture  fans  is  like  doctors  and  undertakers,  Abe. 
They've  got  so  used  to  other  people's  misfortunes 
that  it  practically  don't  affect  them  at  all.  Moving- 
picture  fans  can  see  William  S.  Hart  come  out  of  jail 
to  find  his  wife  married  to  the  detective  who  not 
only  arrested  him  in  the  first  reel,  but  is  also  giving 
terrible  makkas  to  Mr.  Hart's  youngest  child  in 
the  second  reel,  y'understand,  and  wrings  that 
moving-picture  fan's  heart  to  the  same  extent  like 
it  would  be  something  in  a  tropical  review  entitled: 
'Eighth  Annual  Convention  of  the  United  Ice 
men  of  America,  Akron,  Ohio.  Arrival  of  the 
Delegates  at  the  Akron,  Union,  Depot,'  y'under- 

224 


RECENT   UNPLEASANTNESS  IN  TOLEDO 

stand.  Yes,  Abe,  the  effect  of  five-reel  films  on 
a  moving-picture  fan's  heart  is  like  the  effect 
of  five-star  Scotch  whisky  on  a  typical  club 
man's  life.  It  hardens  it  to  such  an  extent 
that  it  practically  ceases  to  do  the  work  for 
which  it  was  originally  put  into  a  human  body, 
Abe." 

"To  tell  you  the  truth,  Mawruss,  I  'ain't  got 
no  use  for  any  kind  of  a  fan,  and  that  goes  for 
moving-picture  fans,  fight  fans,  baseball  fans,  and 
pinochle  fans,  not  to  mention  grand-opera  fans, 
first-night  theayter  fans,  and  every  other  fan  from 
golluf  downwards.  Take  these  here  fight  fans 
which  chartered  special  trains  for  Toledo,  Ohio, 
and  paid  a  hundred  dollars  for  a  ringside  seat, 
Mawruss,  and  to  my  mind  it  would  take  one  of 
these  here  insanity  experts  to  figure  out  just 
what  made  them  do  it  at  a  time  when  on  account 
of  the  raise  in  rent  and  living  expenses,  so  many 
heads  of  families  is  staying  home  with  their 
families  these  hot  Sundays  and  reading  the  papers 
about  the  fight  fans  chartering  special  trains  and 
paying  a  hundred  dollars  for  ringside  seats, 
and  not  feeling  the  heat  any  the  less  because  of 
reading  such  things.  Also,  Mawruss,  as  one 
business  man  to  another  who  has  had  the  experi 
ence  of  riding  on  a  sleeper  and  making  Cleveland, 
Toledo,  Detroit,  and  Chicago  even  under  normal 
travel  conditions,  Mawruss,  I  ask  you,  where  is 
the  pleasure  in  such  a  trip?" 

"Them  fight  fans  don't  do  it  for  pleasure,  Abe," 
Morris  said.  "They  do  it  for  a  reputation." 

225 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

"A  reputation  for  what?"  Morris  asked. 

"A  reputation  for  having  paid  the  United  States 
Railroad  Administration  twice  the  regular  fare 
to  Toledo  for  a  railroad  journey,  and  also  the 
reputation  for  having  paid  the  manager  of  this 
here  prize-fight  fifty  times  the  regular  price  of 
a  ticket  for  a  legitimate  entertainment,"  Morris 
replied. 

"But  what  for  a  reputation  is  that  for  a  sane 
man  to  get?"  Abe  asked. 

"Well,"  Morris  commented,  "for  that  matter, 
what  kind  of  a  reputation  does  the  same  man  get 
when  he  pays  fifty  dollars  to  reserve  a  table  at  a 
Broadway  restaurant  on  New- Year's  Eve?  That's 
where  your  friend  the  insanity  expert  comes  in, 
Abe.  It's  the  kind  of  a  reputation  which  the 
people  among  which  such  a  feller  has  got  it— 
when  they  talk  about  it  says:  'And  suppose  he 
did.  What  qf  it?" 

"It  seems  to  me,  Mawruss,  that  when  a  feller 
gets  the  reputation  for  having  such  a  reputation, 
his  friends  should  ought  to  tip  him  off  that  if  he 
don't  be  mighty  careful,  the  first  thing  you  know 
he  would  be  getting  that  kind  of  a  reputation," 
Abe  said,  "because  there  is  also  a  whole  lot  of 
other  people  among  which  he  got  that  reputation, 
who  wouldn't  stop  at  saying:  'Suppose  he  did. 
What  of  it?'  They  would  try  to  figure  out  the 
answer  upon  the  basis  that  a  feller  who  pays  a 
hundred  dollars  for  a  ringside  seat  to  see  a  fight 
which  lasted  nine  minutes,  y'understand,  and  his 
money,  understand  me,  are  soon  parted,  and 

226 


RECENT  UNPLEASANTNESS  IN  TOLEDO 

the  first  thing  you  know,  Mawruss,  that  poor 
nebich  of  a  prize-fight  fan  would  be  unable  to 
attend  the  next  annual  heavy-weight  champion 
ship  of  the  world  to  be  held  in  Yuma,  Arizona, 
or  some  such  summer  resort,  in  August,  1921, 
simply  because  the  United  States  Railroad  Admin 
istration  refused  to  accept  for  his  transportation 
in  lieu  of  cash  two  thousand  shares  of  the  Shapiro 
Texas  Oil  and  Refining  Corporation  of  the  par 
value  of  one  hundred  dollars  apiece,  notwith 
standing  that  he  also  offers  to  throw  in  a  couple 
of  hundred  shares  of  a  farm-tractor  manufacturing 
corporation  and  lots  120  to  135,  both  inclusive, 
in  Block  654  on  a  map  filed  in  the  office  of  the 
clerk  of  Atlantic  County,  New  Jersey,  entitled 
Map  of  Property  of  the  East  by  Southeast, 
Atlantic  City  Land  and  Development  Company." 

"Well,  it  would  serve  such  a  feller  right  if 
such  a  thing  did  happen  to  him,"  Morris  com 
mented,  "because  any  one  who  takes  an  interest 
in  such  a  disgusting  affair  as  this  here  fight  should 
not  only  lose  his  money,  but  he  should  ought  to 
go  to  jail." 

"I  give  you  right,  Mawruss,"  Abe  replied. 
"And  why  the  newspapers  print  the  reports  of 
such  a  thing  is  a  mystery  to  me.  Here  there  are 
happenings,  happenings  over  in  Europe  which  is 
changing  the  historv  of  the  world  every  twenty- 
four  hours,  Mawruss,  and  to  this  one  prize-fight 
which  a  man  has  got  to  be  a  loafer  not  to  get  sick 
at  his  stomach  over  it,  Mawruss,  they  are  devoting 
practically  the  entire  newspaper.  I  give  you  my 

227 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

word,  Mawruss,  it  took  me  pretty  near  three 
hours  to  read  it  last  night." 

"At  the  same  time,  Abe,"  Morris  said,  "you 
would  think^that  a  man  of  this  here  Jeff  Willard's 
fighting  record  wouldn't  of  give  up  so  easy." 

"Look  what  he  was  up  against,"  Abe  reminded 
him.  "There  'ain't  been  a  fighter  in  years  with 
this  feller  Dempsey's  speed  and  science,  Mawruss." 

"But  I  don't  think  that  Willard  was  trained 
right,  Abe,"  Morris  said. 

"What  do  you  mean — not  trained  right?"  Abe 
retorted.  "From  what  the  newspapers  has  been 
saying  during  the  past  few  weeks,  Mawruss.  he 
was  in  wonderful  condition,  and  his  sparring 
partners  seemingly  could  hit  him  on  any  part 
of  his  face  and  body,  and  it  never  seemed  to 
affect  him  any." 

"Sure  I  know,"  Morris  agreed,  "but  what  for  a 
training  was  that  for  a  rough  affair  like  this  here 
prize-fight  turned  out  to  be,  which  if  I  would  of 
been  this  here  Jeff  Willard's  manager,  Abe,  I 
wouldn't  of  put  no  faith  in  sparring  partners.  A 
sparring  partner  is  only  human — that  is  to  say, 
if  any  prize-fighter  could  be  human — and  naturallv 
such  a  sparring  partner  ain't  going  to  do  himself 
out  of  a  good  job  by  going  too  far  and  seriously 
injuring  a  heavyweight  champion.  The  conse 
quences  was,  Abe,  that  this  here  Jeff  Willard 
went  into  the  ring,  confident  that  he  couldn't  be 
knocked  down  by  a  blow  from  a  fighter  like 
Dempsey,  simply  because  he  had  no  experience 
in  being  knocked  down  by  a  blow." 

2*8 


RECENT  UNPLEASANTNESS  IN  TOLEDO 

"Maybe  he  couldn't  of  been  knocked  down  by 
a  blow  from  his  sparring  partners,"  Abe  suggested. 
"Maybe  they  weren't  strong  enough. " 

"That's  just  what  I'm  driving  into,  Abe," 
Morris  said,  "which  if  instead  of  Willard's  man 
ager  wasting  time  by  trying  to  have  sparring 
partners  knock  him  down,  he  would  have  gone 
to  work  and  had  Willard  knocked  down  by  some 
thing  which  could  really  and  truly  knock  him 
down,  like  a  Fifth  Avenue  stage  or  a  heavy  auto 
mobile  delivery  truck,  y'understand,  the  result 
might  have  been  very  different." 

"Sure  I  know,"  Abe  said,  "but  you  could  easy 
overdo  such  a  training  method,  Mawruss,  and 
end  up  with  an  autopsy  instead  of  a  prize-fight. 
Also,  Mawruss,  the  way  it  looked  to  experts  after 
this  here  fight  had  been  pulled  off,  where  Willard 
made  his  mistake  was  in  training  to  receive 
punishment  instead  of  training  to  give  it." 

"Willard  didn't  believe  in  training  to  give 
punishment,"  Morris  said.  "If  he  had  believed 
in  it,  he  could  have  gone  over  to  Europe  and 
received  pretty  nearly  a  year  and  a  half  of  the 
very  best  training  a  prize-fighter  could  get  in 
giving  punishment,  Abe,  and  also,  Abe,  he  would 
have  avoided  getting  called  a  slacker  by  some 
of  them  prize-fight  fans,  who  seemed  to  be  sore 
that  Willard  should  have  quit  after  losing  only 
half  his  teeth  and  having  still  another  eye  to  see 
with,  the  right  one  being  blinded  in  the  first 
round,  Abe." 

"Well,  the  chances  is  that  when  \Villard  goes 

229 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

to  consult  a  doctor,  which  he  would  probably 
have  to  do  after  the  licking  he  got,  Mawruss," 
Abe  said,  "before  he  would  get  the  opportunity 
to  tell  the  doctor  that  he  had  been  in  a  prize-fight, 
the  doctor  will  give  one  look  at  him  and  lay  the 
whole  trouble  to  abscesses  at  the  roots  of  the  teeth, 
and  he  will  order  Willard  to  go  and  have  the  rest 
of  them  drawn  right  away,  so  he  might  just  as 
well  have  stayed  one  more  round  and  let  Dempsey 
finish  the  job.  Also,  Mawruss,  them  fight  fans 
oser  cared  whether  Willard  had  served  in  the 
army  or  not.  Willard  was  the  loser,  and  naturally 
them  Broadway  fight  fans  didn't  have  no  sym 
pathy  with  a  loser,  so  even  if  there  hadn't  been  no 
European  war  for  Willard  not  to  serve  in,  Mawruss, 
they  would  of  tried  to  think  of  some  other  name 
to  shout  at  him  as  he  staggered  out  of  the  ring,  like 
Prohibitionist  or  League-of-Nationer." 

"Of  course  them  fight  fans  had  in  a  way  a  right 
to  get  sore,  Abe,"  Mawruss  remarked,  "because 
a  whole  lot  of  them  had  bet  money  on  Willard 
to  win." 

"Sure  they  did,"  Abe  agreed,  "but  gambling 
on  the  personal  injuries  of  two  human  beings, 
even  if  they  do  agree  of  their  own  will  to  see  how 
long  they  can  stand  such  injuries  without  growing 
unconscious,  Mawruss,  is  my  idea  of  nothing  to 
gamble  about.  But  I  suppose  the  typical  fight 
fan  don't  feel  that  way  about  it.  Probably 
when  some  member  of  his  family  has  got  to  go 
through  an  operation,  he  wipes  away  his  tears 
with  one  hand  and  makes  a  book  on  the  result 

£30 


RECENT   UNPLEASANTNESS  IN  TOLEDO 

with  the  other.  He  probably  offers  his  friends 
even  money  that  the  party  won't  come  out  of  the 
ether,  one  to  two  that  the  party  wouldn't  rally 
from  the  shock,  and  one  to  three  against  complete 
recovery  inside  of  a  month,  or  he  will  make  a 
combination  offer  whereby  his  friends  can  play 
the  operation  across  the  board  as  a  two  or  three 
proposition,  Mawruss." 

"And  his  friends,  being  also  prize-fight  fans, 
will  probably  take  him  up,"  Morris  suggested. 

"Certainly  they  will,"  Abe  concluded,  "be 
cause  to  a  prize-fight  fan  suffering  is  not  a  sight 
which  is  to  be  avoided.  It  is  something  which  a 
typical  prize-fight  fan  would  take  a  special  train 
and  pay  a  hundred  dollars  any  time  to  see." 


XXIV 

FEEDING  THE  PEACE  CONFERENCERS  AND  THE 
HOUSEHOLD 

"  ANYBODY  which  don't  arrange  beforehand 
x~V.  what  the  price  is  going  to  be,  Mawruss, 
is  never  overcharged,  no  matter  how  much  he 
gets  soaked  in  the  bill,"  Abe  Potash  said  to  his 
partner,  Morris  Perlmutter,  a  few  days  after  the 
Hotel  Crillon  filed  its  claim  against  the  American 
peace  mission  for  two  million  francs,  "which,  if 
the  .way  the  United  States  government  arranged 
with  the  management  of  the  Hotel  Crillon  for  the 
board  and  lodging  of  them  Peace  Conferences 
is  any  criterium,  Mawruss,  we  would  got  to  start 
a  recruiting  drive  for  fifty  thousand  certified  pub 
lic  accountants  for  service  abroad,  with  a  chance 
to  see  the  wonderful  scenery  and  bookkeeping  of 
France." 

"I  thought  the  United  States  government 
didn't  make  any  arrangement  with  the  Hotel 
Crillon  before  them  Peace  Conferences  went  over, 
Abe,"  Morris  said. 

"That's  what  I  mean,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said, 
"which,  when  President  Wilson  made  up  his  mind 
to  send  all  them  experts  over  to  France  he  sent 
for  Ambassador  Sharp  and  asked  him  where's  a 

232 


FEEDING  THE  PEACE  CONFERENCERS 

good  place  for  them  Indians  to  stay,  and  Sharp 
told  him  the  Hotel  Crillon,  and  when  Mr.  Wilson 
asked  him  is  it  a  good  medium-price  place,  Mr. 
Sharp  says  he  shouldn't  worry,  that  Jake  Crillon 
is  a  good  feller  and  wouldn't  overcharge  nobody, 
y'understand,  and  for  to  leave  it  to  Jake,  and  so 
Mr.  Wilson  done  so,  Mawruss,  and  naturally  this 
is  the  result." 

"Why,  what  for  a  bill  did  the  management  of 
the  Hotel  Crillon  put  in  against  the  United  States 
government,  Abe?"  Morris  asked. 

"They  'ain't 'put  in  any  bill  as  yet,  Mawruss," 
Abe  said.  "This  here  is  only  a  preliminary  claim 
of  two  million  francs,  on  account  of  the  loss  of 
regular  customers  because  the  hotel  has  been  oc 
cupied  for  such  a  long  time  by  them  American 
Peace  Conferencers." 

"Well,  wouldn't  most  of  the  regular  customers 
come  back  if  the  management  promised  that  after 
them  Peace  Conferencers  went  home  they  would 
disinfect  the  hotel  and  give  it  a  thorough  over 
hauling  or  something?"  Morris  asked. 

"The  question  'ain't  been  argued  as  yet,  Maw 
russ,"  Abe  said,  "but  you'll  have  to  admit  that 
if  two  years  from  now  a  guest  of  the  Hotel  Crillon 
complains  to  the  management  of  something  about 
his  room  smelling  awful  peculiar,  y'understand, 
and  if  the  management  should  go  to  work  and 
tear  up  the  floor  and  overhaul  the  plumbing,  only 
to  find  that  it's  a  case  of  the  room  not  having 
recovered  from  an  American  Jugo-Slob  expert 
holding  conferences  with  the  Jugo-Slob  delegates 

233 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

to  the  Peace  Conference  in  it,  understand  me,  two 
million  francs  ain't  going  to  go  such  a  long  ways, 
in  especially  at  the  present  rate  of  exchange, 
Mawruss." 

"Perhaps  you're  right,  Abe,"  Morris  said. 
"Perhaps  it  is  better  that  a  lump  sum  like  two 
million  francs  would  be  charged  rather  as  go  into 
the  items  themselves,  because,  for  instance,  if 
that  American  mission  to  negotiate  peace  had  been 
staying  at  the  hotel  which  we  stayed  at,  Abe,  a 
bill  would  have  been  submitted  like  this,  Abe: 

"  MM.  American  Mission  to  Negotiate  Peace 

To  HOTEL  SE'ESCROQUERIE  ET  LONDRES,  DR. 

Terms,  net  cash  300  rooms;  8  baths 

Tel.:  6060Rivoli 

March,  1919:     To  entertaining  MM.  Orlando  and 

Sonnino,  as  follows: 

Table  overturned  and  following  articles 
broken : 

1  inkstand  and  mucilage-bottle Fr.    24.50 

1  table-cover  damaged  by  mucilage.  .          45.00 
Chairs  injured  as  follows: 

1  light  chair  thrown  through  window.          58.00 
1  heavy  chair  thrown  through  window.          85.00 
Labor  as  follows: 

Sweeping  up  broken  eye-glasses 2.00 

Sweeping  up  hair 3.00 

Removing  blood-stains  from  carpet.  .  4.50 

Credit: 

By  one  unclaimed  hat,  labeled  '  Mike, 

the  Popular  Rome  Hatter ' .20 

Total Fr.  382.40 

and  not  only  would  it  have  given  away  a  whole 
lot  of  diplomatic  secrets,  but  the  American  mission 

234 


FEEDING  THE  PEACE  CONFERENCERS 

would  also  have  got  to  pay  a  luxury  tax  of  ten. 
per  cent,  on  the  hotel's  telephone  number  and  a 
little  mistake  of  a  hundred  francs  in  the  addition." 

"But  this  here  Hotel  Crillon  was  a  strictly  first- 
class  hotel,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said,  "and  with  strictly 
first-class  hotels  it's  the  same  in  Europe  as  it  is 
'in  this  country,  Mawruss;  the  rates  are  so  fixed 
that  it  ain't  necessary  for  the  management  to 
make  mistakes  in  the  bill,  while  the  accounting 
department  always  figures  the  overhead  so  as  to 
include  the  hotel's  telephone  number,  the  number  of 
the  guest's  room,  and,  in  the  case  of  mountain-resort 
hotels,  the  altitude  of  the  hotel  above  sea-level." 

"Well,  that's  just  what  I  am  driving  into,  Abe," 
Morris  said.  "Even  when  hotel  bills  are  sub 
mitted  weekly  and  the  management  has  got  his 
signed  checks  to  show  for  it,  Abe,  nobody  never 
realizes  that  he  owes  all  that  money  to  a  hotel, 
y'understand,  and  when  at  the  end  of  the  peace 
commission's  tenancy  the  hotel  management  sends 
in  its  final  bill,  Abe,  there's  going  to  be  considerable 
argument  between  Mr.  Joseph  Grew,  the  secretary 
of  the  commission,  and  all  them  Peace  Confer- 
encers,  expert  and  otherwise,  as  to  who  ordered 
what  and  when,  y'understand,  which  I  see  by  the 
newspapers,  Abe,  that  Mr.  Grew  has  already 
begun  an  investigation  about  who  authorized  the 
serving  of  one  hundred  bottles  tchampanyer  wine 
on  June  14th,  and  if  Mr.  Grew  couldn't  trace  the 
party  which  signed  for  one  hundred  bottles 
tchampanyer  wine  on  June  14th,  y'understand, 
what  chance  does  he  have  of  finding  out  who  is 

17  235 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

responsible  for  each  and  every  one  of  the  hundreds 
of  checks  with  illegible  signatures  which  is  bound 
to  show  up  in  the  final  accounting  for  such  articles 
as  scrambled  eggs,  bacon,  and  coffee,  which  any 
Peace  Conferencers  might  have  signed  for,  whether 
his  home  town  was  in  a  dry  state  or  not,  Abe." 

"And  Mr.  Grew  wouldn't  get  no  sympathy  from 
the  President,  neither,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said, 
"which,  when  the  morning  mail  arrives  at  the 
White  House  nowadays  just  as  Mr.  Wilson  is 
saying  to  Mrs.  Wilson,  'Some  coffee,  mommer!' 
—because  the  average  American  has  got  to  be 
home  from  Europe  at  least  a  month  before  a 
good  cup  of  coffee  ceases  to  become  a  miracle, 
Mawruss — it  won't  take  more  than  two  letters 
from  Mr.  Grew  asking  Mr.  Wilson  does  he  re 
member  whether  at  the  conference  between  him, 
Clemenceau,  Lord  George,  Venezuelas,  and  Baron 
Ishii,  held  in  Parlor  A  on  March  22d,  did  or  did 
not  somebody  order  a  rye-bread  tongue  sandwich 
and  a  split  of  Evian  water,  and  if  so  to  please  sign 
inclosed  check  for  same,  non  pro  tune  as  of  March 
22d,  1919,  understand  me,  before  the  only  effect 
an  envelope  addressed  in  the  handwriting  of  Mr. 
Grew  will  have  on  Mr.  Wilson  is  that  he  is  going 
to  throw  it  unopened  into  the  waste-paper  basket 
without  so  much  as  saying,  'I  wonder  what  that 
schlemiel  wants  from  me  now.' " 

"As  a  matter  of  fact,  Abe,  the  price  of  food  'ain't 
interested  Mr.  Wilson  since  a  few  days  ago  when 
he  asked  Mrs.  Wilson,  'How  much  are  we  paying 
now  for  coffee,  mommer?'  and  Mrs.  Wilson  says 

236 


FEEDING  THE  PEACE  CONFERENCERS 

fifty-eight  cents  a  pound,  and  Mr.  Wilson  says 
for  the  love  of  Mike,  and  then  asks  what  she  is 
paying  for  eggs,  and  Mrs.  Wilson  says  at  Gins- 
burg's  Economy  Market  eighty-five  cents  a  dozen, 
and  Mr.  Wilson  says  he  would  just  as  lieve  have 
some  hash  from  last  night's  rib  roast,  and  Mrs. 
Wilson  says  she  doesn't  blame  him  and  so  would 
she,  but  that  they  are  going  to  have  that  rib 
roast  cold  for  lunch  on  account  Ginsburg  is  prac 
tically  schenking  his  customers  rib  roast  for  fifty- 
five  cents  a  pound,"  Morris  said. 

"And  how  did  you  come  to  hear  about  this 
conversation,  Mawruss?"  Abe  asked. 

"I  didn't  hear  about  it,"  Morris  replied,  "but 
I  presume  it  took  place  the  morning  after  the 
newspapers  printed  the  report  of  the  Federal 
Trade  Commission  about  the  packing-houses,  Abe, 
because  a  similar  conversation  happened  at  my 
breakfast-table  that  morning,  and  I  presume  it 
also  happened  at  yours." 

"Well,  it's  time  that  business  men  begun  to  take 
a  little  interest  in  the  cost  of  what  they  are  eating, 
Mawruss,"  Abe  said.  "On  account  of  the  increase 
in  the  price  of  food,  Mawruss,  the  business  man  is 
now  paying  more  money  to  all  the  people  which 
is  working  for  him,  except  his  wife." 

"Sure,  I  know,"  Morris  said,  "but  the  business 
man  which  is  mean  enough  to  hold  down  his  wife 
to  twenty  dollars  a  week  housekeeping  money 
simply  because  the  principle  of  the  closed  shop 
and  collective  bargaining  can't  be  applied  to  an 
American  household  the  way  it  could  to  a  Turkish 

237 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

harem,  Abe,  don't  live  so  well  as  he  used  to. 
Former  times  when  such  a  man  complained  to  his 
wife  that  the  chicken  was  a  little  tough,  y'under- 
stand,  she  used  to  say,  'What  do  you  want  for 
twenty  dollars  a  week  housekeeping  money — 
mocking-birds?'  Nowadays,  however,  the  best 
that  such  a  man  has  got  to  complain  about  being 
tough  is  round  steak,  and  his  wife  now  says, 
'What  do  you  want  for  twenty  dollars  a  week 
housekeeping  money — chicken?"3 

"And  the  standard  of  living  for  even  business 
men  is  going  down  so  fast,  Mawruss,  that  next 
year  when  such  a  man  complains  that  the  tripe 
is  tough,  she  is  going  to  say,  *  What  do  you  expect 
for  twenty  dollars  a  week  housekeeping  money — 
round  steak?'"  Abe  said,  "and  if  them  packers 
goes  on  trying  to  control  the  entire  bill  of  fare 
from  soup  to  cereals,  Mawruss,  it  would  only  be 
a  matter  of  a  few  years  when  such  a  husband  is 
going  to  complain  that  the  puffed  jute  is  tough, 
and  his  wife  is  going  to  ask  him,  'What  do  you 
expect  for  twenty  dollars  a  week  housekeeping 
money — ensilage?'  which,  if  something  ain't  done 
pretty  soon  to  stop  dealers  boosting  the  price  of 
food,  Mawruss,  twenty  dollars  a  week  housekeep 
ing  money  ain't  going  to  feed  a  family  of  hearty- 
eating  canary -birds." 

"I  suppose  that  in  the  end,  Abe,  the  business 
man  would  be  obliged  to  admit  that  the  high  cost 
of  living  is  just  as  expensive  for  his  wife  as  it  is 
for  his  other  employees,"  Morris  concluded,  "and, 
without  the  formality  of  a  strike,  the  wives  of 

238 


FEEDING  THE  PEACE  CONFERENCERS 

business  men  will  be  conceded  a  new  wage-scale 
of  from  thirty  to  forty  dollars,  in  place  of  the  old 
scale  of  twenty  dollars,  for  a  working-week  of  one 
hundred  and  sixty-eight  hours,  because  it  don't 
make  no  difference  if  the  Senate  confirms  the 
League  of  Nations  or  not,  Abe,  married  business 
men  will  never  live  up  to  the  clause  which  pro 
vides  for  an  international  working-day  of  eight 
hours — anyhow,  so  far  as  their  wives  is  concerned." 

"That  ain't  the  only  clause  of  the  Peace  Treaty 
which  wouldn't  be  lived  up  to,  Mawruss,"  Abe 
said,  "because  I  see  that  already  the  Germans  is 
having  their  troubles  restoring  to  the  British 
government  this  here  skull  of  the  Sultan  Mkwiwa, 
Mawruss,  which,  according  to  Section  Eight,  I 
think  it  is,  of  the  Treaty  of  Peace,  was  removed 
from  German  East  Africa  and  taken  to  Germany." 

"But  the  Germans  claim  that  it  was  never  taken 
from  German  East  Africa,  but  was  buried  there, 
and  they  misremember  the  name  of  the  cemetery," 
Morris  declared. 

"I  know  they  do,  and  I  couldn't  understand 
their  attitude  in  the  matter,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said. 
"Why  don't  they  go  to  work  and  send  England 
any  old  skull,  which  a  skull  is  a  skull,  ain't  it? — 
and  one  skull  is  just  as  much  like  another  skull 
as  two  pinochle  decks  with  the  same  backs,  and 
who  is  going  to  check  them  up  on  it  no  matter 
what  kind  of  a  skull  they  send?  Besides,  Maw 
russ,  the  people  who  had  pull  enough  to  get  that 
skull  section  inserted  in  the  Treaty  of  Peace  is 
going  to  be  divided  into  two  classes  when  that 

239 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

skull  arrives  in  East  Africa,  anyway — namely, 
those  who  will  throw  a  bluff  that  they  recognized 
the  skull  as  the  sultan's  skull  as  soon  as  they 
laid  eyes  on  it,  y'understand,  and  those  who  will 
refuse  to  concede  that  any  skull  is  the  sultan's 
skull.  There  will  also,  of  course,  be  a  large  class 
of  East  Africans  who  won't  give  a  nickel  one  way 
or  the  other;  so  if  Germany  couldn't  find  the 
sultan's  skull,  let  them  send  England  an  ersatz 
sultan's  skull  with  a  genwine  sultan's  label  on  it. 
They've  been  doing  that  sort  of  thing  for  years 
with  American  safety-razors,  American  folding- 
cameras,  and  American  typewriters;  why  should 
they  now  take  it  so  particular  with  a  German 
East  African  sultan?" 

"Then  you  think  there  is  something  suspicious 
about  the  way  Germany  is  acting  over  this  here 
skull?"  Morris  suggested. 

"I  wouldn't  call  it  exactly  suspicious,  Mawruss," 
Abe  said,  "but  at  the  same  time  I  wouldn't  put 
it  beyond  the  Germans  that,  after  the  Allies  gets 
through  discussing  together  whether  or  not  the 
sultan's  skull  is  genwine,  they  would  suddenly 
awake  to  the  fact  that  at  least  two  of  the  million- 
mark  bills  which  Germany  paid  over  in  the  indem 
nity,  y'understand,  are  not.  So,  therefore,  my  ad 
vice  to  England  is,  examine  the  German  indemnity 
carefully,  and  don't  let  no  returned  sultan's  skull 
distract  your  attention,  even  if  it  would  be  made  of 
plaster  of  Paris  with  a  round  hold  on  top  for  keeping 
matches  in  it,  and  on  the  bottom  a  sign,  reading : 

"Griiss  Aus  Schveningen." 

240 


XXV 

WHAT    ARE   YOU    GOING    TO    DO    ABOUT    IT?      THIS 

INCLUDES    LIBELED    MILLIONAIRES,    ENFORCED 

PKOHIBITION,    AND    SHANTUNG 


'  Mawruss>"  Abe 
said,  recently,  "I  doubt  very  much  if  I 

would  be  able  to  say  offhand  who  Arnold  Benedict 
was  if  I  would  be  asked  such  a  question  by  a  smart 
lawyer  in  a  court-room  full  of  reporters,  which, 
if  they  hadn't  happened  to  be  there  at  that  par 
ticular  moment,  would  of  probably  gone  to  their 
graves  without  even  the  faintest  suspicion  that 
you  didn't  spell  ignorant  idealist  with  two  Ps, 
y  'understand." 

"Still,  Abe,  you  ve  got  to  admit  that  plaintiff 
in  a  libel  suit  don't  deserve  much  sympathy  if 
he  don't  post  himself  before  going  on  the  stand 
as  to  the  meaning  of  the  libel,  so  as  to  anyhow  be 
able  to  say  that  it  was  a  libel  and  not  a  compli 
ment,  understand  me,"  Morris  said. 

"He  took  his  lawyers'  word  for  it  that  it  was  a 
libel,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said,  "and,  anyhow,  Maw 
russ,  nobody  has  got  a  right  to  call  anybody  an 
ignorant  philantropist  even,  no  matter  how 
ignorant  such  a  philantropist  might  be  about 
what  the  word  philantropist  would  mean." 

241 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

"And  do  you  know  what  it  means?"  Morris 
asked. 

"A  philantropist  is  a  feller  who  gives  big  sums 
of  moneys  to  orphan-asylums,  hospitals,  and  col 
leges,  and  if  he  could  afford  it  he's  a  philan 
tropist,  Mawruss,  and  if  he  couldn't,  then  he's  a 
sucker,  and  that  is  what  is  called  a  philantropist," 
Abe  said,  "  which,  if  I  didn't  know  what  it  meant, 
Mawruss,  I  ain't  such  an  ignorant  idealist  that  I 
would  use  such  a  word  in  front  of  you  and  expect 
you  not  to  try  to  trip  me  up  on  it." 

"I  see  you've  also  been  looking  up  what 
ignorant  idealist  means,"  Morris  observed. 

"And  I  ain't  very  peculiar  that  way,  neither, 
Mawruss,"  Abe  admitted,  "because  I  bet  yer 
that  in  the  last  two  days  at  least  five  million 
people  has  been  looking  up  in  the  dictionary  what 
that  word  idealist  means  and  not  knowing  even 
then  what  it  means,  y'understand,  and  still  that 
'ain't  prevented  them  from  knocking  Mr.  Ford, 
Mawruss." 

"But  the  fact  remains,  Abe,  that  them  five 
million  people  ain't  suing  nobody  for  calling  them 
ignorant  idealists,"  Morris  interrupted. 

"Also,  Mawruss,  they  ain't  running  one  of  the 
largest  industrial  plants  in  the  country  on  a  profit- 
sharing  basis  with  several  thousand  employees," 
Abe  declared,  "which  there  is  a  whole  lot  of  big 
manufacturers  in  this  country  who  could  go  on 
the  stand  at  a  moment's  notice  and  pass  a  cross- 
examination  with  a  hundred-per-cent.  mark  on 
all  them  words  which  you  read  in  them  medical 

242 


WHAT  ARE  YOU  GOING  TO  DO  ABOUT  IT? 

journals  you  pick  up  from  the  doctor's  desk  in  his 
private  office  when  he  excuses  himself  for  a 
minute  to  answer  the  'phone  and  which  you  put 
down  so  quick  and  pretend  you  'ain't  been  reading 
when  he  comes  back  again,  if  you  know  what  I 
mean.  And  furthermore,  if  these  same  big  manu 
facturers  was  elected  to  the  United  States  Senate 
to-morrow  they  could  make  a  speech  against  doing 
away  with  child  labor  in  words  of  six  syllables, 
y'understand,  and  would  probably  make  such  a 
speech,  because  the  trouble  with  most  big  manu 
facturers  is  not  that  they  are  ignorant,  under 
stand  me,  but  that  they  ain't  idealists,  Mawruss." 

"Just  the  same,  Abe,  a  man  should  ought  to 
know  what  he  don't  know  and  side-step  it," 
Morris  said. 

"But  the  way  it  is  in  this  country,  Mawruss, 
a  multimillionaire  can't  side-step  it.  The  news 
papers  won't  let  him,  because  if  he  gets  a  reputa 
tion  for  having  made  fifty  million  dollars  in  the 
safety-pin  business,  we  would  say,  for  example, 
and  news  gets  so  scarce  in  the  newspapers  that 
somebody  starts  a  discussion  about  which  is  the 
biggest  musician,  Kreisler  oder  Zimbalist,  y'under 
stand,  right  away  the  editor  sends  out  reporters 
to  interview  the  most  prominent  men  in  the 
country  as  to  what  their  opinion  is  in  the  matter, 
and  naturally  one  of  the  first  men  such  a  reporter 
would  call  on  is  Harris  J.  Rosenbaum,  the  Safety- 
pin  King.  Now,  what  is  Rosenbaum  going  to 
do  under  the  circumstances?  Is  he  going  to  admit 
to  the  reporter  that  up  to  date  he  has  been  so 

243 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

busy  in  his  safety-pin  plant  that  he  'ain't  had 
time  to  post  himself  as  to  whether  Kreisler  and 
Zimbalist  is  performers  on  the  trombone  oder 
the  mouth-organ?  Oser!  He  finds  out  from  the 
reporter  that  these  two  fellers  has  got  a  piece-work 
wage-scale  for  playing  on  the  fiddle  of  five  dollars 
a  note,  net  cash,  and  he  says  that  both  of  them 
is  wonderful  fiddlers,  y'understand,  but  that  to 
his  mind  Kreisler  plays  with  more  of  the  artistic 
temperature  than  Zimbalist,  or  if  he  doesn't 
actually  say  so,  y'understand,  the  reporter  goes 
back  to  his  newspaper  and  says  he  said  so,  and 
the  consequence  is  that  when  in  next  Sunday's 
paper  Rosenbaum  reads, 

KREISLER  GREATER  ARTIST 
SAYS  SAFETY-PIN  KING, 

he  not  only  begins  to  believe  that  he  did  say  it, 
but  also  that  it's  funny  how  a  man  can  go  on  for 
years  being  an  expert  on  fiddle-playing  and  only 
find  it  out  by  accident,  as  it  were." 

"And  I  suppose  that  a  few  months  later,  on  the 
strength  of  what  he  don't  know  about  fiddle- 
playing,  Abe,"  Morris  remarked,  "Harris  J. 
Rosenbaum,  the  Safety-pin  King,  is  running  for 
United  States  Senator  and  comes  pretty  near 
getting  elected,  too." 

"There  don't  seem  to  be  no  reason  why  he 
wouldn't  be,"  Abe  declared,  "because  just  so  long 
as  United  States  Senators  is  selected  by  election 
and  not  by  a  competitive  examination,  Mawruss, 

244 


WHAT  ARE  YOU  GOING  TO  DO  ABOUT  IT? 

there  will  always  be  a  certain  percentage  of  Harris 
J.  Rosenbaums  in  the  United  States  Senate,  which 
you  can't  keep  millionaires  out  of  public  office, 
if  they  want  to  fool  away  their  time  in  such 
things,  and  after  all,  Mawruss,  it  ain't  having 
brains  which  makes  a  man  a  millionaire,  it's 
having  a  million  dollars." 

"Then  you  don't  blame  Mr.  Ford  for  the  way 
he  has  behaved  himself,  Abe?"  Morris  asked. 

"Not  in  the  least,"  Abe  said.  "Millionaires 
behave  the  way  their  fellow-countrymen  encour 
ages  them  to  behave,  Mawruss,  which  to  my  mind, 
Mawruss,  the  only  way  to  learn  a  millionaire  like 
Mr.  Ford  his  place  is  not  to  notice  him  and,  in 
particular,  not  to  pay  no  attention  to  anything 
he  says,  and  such  a  millionaire  would  quick  sub 
side  and  devote  himself  to  the  manufacture  of 
safety-pins  or  the  best  four-cylinder  car  for  the 
money  in  the  world,  as  the  case  may  be,  which  I 
see  in  the  paper  that  the  refusal  of  the  United 
States  Senate  to  confirm  the  Treaty  of  Peace 
looks  quite  certain  to  them  people  to  whom  the 
winning  of  the  Willard-Dempsey  fight  by  Jeff 
Willard  looked  quite  certain,  Mawruss." 

"Well,  to  my  mind,  Abe,  them  round-robins  is 
right  to  look  into  the  Treaty  and  the  League  of 
Nations  covenant  before  they  confirm  them," 
Morris  said.  "Also,  Abe,  you  couldn't  blame 
them  Senators  for  getting  indignant  about  the 
Shantung  settlement." 

"Personally  I  couldn't  blame  them  and  I 
couldn't  praise  them,  Mawruss,  because,  like  a 

245 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

hundred  million  other  people  in  this  country, 
not  being  in  the  silk  business,  Mawruss,  I  never 
had  the  opportunity  to  find  out  nothing  about 
even  where  Shantung  was  on  the  map  till  they 
printed  such  a  map  in  the  papers  last  week,  and 
if  you've  got  to  go  and  look  it  up  on  a  map  first 
to  find  out  whether  you  should  ought  to  be  indig 
nant  or  not,  Mawruss,  you  couldn't  get  eractly 
red  in  the  face  over  Japan  taking  Shantung,  un 
less  you  are  a  Senator  from  the  Pacific  coast, 
where  people  have  got  such  a  wonderful  color  in 
their  cheeks  that  Easterners  think  it's  the  climate, 
when,  as  a  matter  of  fact,  it  is  thinking  about 
Japanese  unrestricted  immigration  that  does  it." 
"But  the  Senators  represents  the  people  which 
elects  them,  Abe,"  Morris  said,  "and  if  it  don't 
take  much  to  make  a  Californian  indignant  about 
any  little  thing  he  suspects  Japan  is  doing, 
y'understand,  then  Senator  Hiram  Johnson  has 
got  a  right  to  go  'round  looking  permanently 
purple  over  this  here  Shantung  affair.  As  for  the 
other  Senators,  Abe,  the  theory  on  which  they 
talk  each  other  deaf,  dumb,  and  blind  is  that 
they  are  doing  a  job  which  it  is  impossible  for  the 
hundred  million  people  of  this  country  to  do  for 
themselves.  They  are  saving  their  constituents 
the  trouble  of  leaving  their  homes  and  spending 
a  lot  of  time  on  government-controlled  railroads, 
going  to  and  from  Washington  to  make  their  own 
laws,  y'understand.  That  is  what  representative 
government  is,  Abe,  and  if  the  people  of  this 
country  couldn't  get  indignant  over  what  ain't 

246 


right  in  this  here  Treaty  of  Peace  and  League 
of  Nations  without  working  up  such  indignation 
by  several  days'  careful  investigation  of  the 
reasons  for  getting  indignant,  then  it  is  up  to  the 
United  States  Senate  to  get  indignant  for  them, 
even  if  the  individual  Senators  has  got  to  sit  up 
with  wet  towels  'round  their  heads  and  strong 
black  coffee  stewing  on  the  gas-stove,  so  as  not 
to  fall  asleep  over  the  job  of  letting  their  feelings 
get  the  better  of  their  judgment  in  working  up  a 
six-hour  speech  which  will  give  the  country  the 
impression  that  it  just  came  pouring  out  on  the 
spur  of  the  moment  as  a  consequence  of  the 
Senators'  red-hot  indignation  about  this  here 
Shantung." 

"It's  too  bad  that  the  House  of  Representatives 
couldn't  be  mind-readers  like  the  Senate,  Mawruss, 
and  get  off  indignant  speeches  about  what  is  mak 
ing  certain  sections  of  the  country  so  indignant, 
Mawruss,  that  if  their  Congressmen  is  going  to 
really  and  truly  represent  them,  there  would  be  a 
regular  epidemic  of  apoplexy  in  Washington," 
Abe  said,  "which  I  am  talking  about  the  enforce 
ment  of  prohibition,  Mawruss." 

"For  myself,  Abe,  I  couldn't  understand  why 
it  should  be  necessary  to  pass  a  law  to  enforce  a 
law,"  Morris  remarked,  "because,  if  that  is  the 
case,  what  is  going  to  be  the  end?  After  they 
pass  this  here  law  to  enforce  the  prohibition  law, 
are  they  going  to  pass  another  law  to  enforce  the 
law  to  enforce  prohibition,  or  do  they  expect  that 
this  here  enforcement  law  will  enforce  itself,  and 

247 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

if  so,  then  why  couldn't  the  prohibition  law  be 
enforced  without  a  law  to  enforce  it?" 

"To  tell  you  the  truth,  Mawruss,  a  dyed-in- 
wool  Dry  could  be  as  hopeful  as  a  man  could 
possibly  be  on  soft  drinks,  and  in  his  heart  of 
hearts  he  must  got  to  know  that  if  Congress 
would  sit  from  now  till  the  arrival  of  Elia  Hanov'e 
and  did  nothing  all  that  time  but  pass  an  endless 
chain  of  enforcement  laws,  prohibition  will  never 
be  enforced  except  in  the  proportion  of  2.75  en 
forcement  to  97.25  violation,  anyhow  in  those 
parts  of  the  country  where  the  hyphen  Americans 
live  and  like  their  beverages  with  a  hyphen  in  it, 
because,  Mawruss,  where  a  hundred  per  cent,  of 
the  population  of  a  certain  district  has  been 
drinking  beer  and  light  wines  since  12  A.M.  on 
Rosh  Hashonah  in  the  year  one  up  to  and  includ 
ing  twelve  midnight  on  June  30,  1919,  y'under- 
stand,  and  seeing  no  harm  in  it,  understand  me, 
not  only  would  an  act  of  Congress  fail  to  change 
the  hearts  and  conscience  of  such  people,  but  there 
could  be  an  earthquake,  a  cyclone,  and  anything 
else  which  a  confirmed  Dry  would  call  a  judgment 
on  them  people,  and  still  they  wouldn't  see  no 
harm  in  it." 

"Then  what  is  the  country  going  to  do  to  en 
force  the  prohibition  law?"  Morris  asked. 

"I  don't  know,"  Abe  said;  "but  one  thing  is 
certain,  you  can't  change  people's  habits  on  and 
after  a  certain  hour  on  a  certain  date  by  putting 
a  law  into  effect  on  such  date.  You  might  just 
so  well  expect  that,  if  the  Senate  should  confirm 

248 


the  provision  handing  over  Shantung  to  the  Jap 
anese,  all  the  Chinamen  in  Shantung  is  immedi 
ately  going  to  open  stores  for  the  sale  of  imitation 
expensive  vases  and  fake  silk  embroidery,  start 
factories  for  the  manufacture  of  phony  Swedish 
safety-matches,  and  do  all  the  other  things  which 
Japanese  do  so  successfully  that  any  reputable 
business  man  is  willing  to  take  a  chance  on 
getting  indignant  about  Shantung  without  even 
asking  his  stenographer  to  look  it  up  for  him." 

"But  I  thought  you  thought  that  prohibition 
would  be  a  good  thing,  Abe?"  Morris  said. 

"I  do,"  Abe  said.  "I  think  brown  stewed  fish, 
sweet  and  sour,  the  way  my  Rosie  cooks  it,  is  a 
good  thing,  but  at  the  same  time,  Mawruss,  I 
realize  that  my  taste  in  this  respect  is  supported 
only  by  what  you  might  call  a  very  limited  public 
sentiment,  consisting  of  Rosie  and  me,  y'under- 
stand,  and  the  rest  of  the  household  couldn't  stand 
to  eat  it  at  all.  So,  therefore,  when  we  have 
sweet  and  sour  fish  we  cook  for  the  rest  of  the 
family  eggs  or  meat,  and  in  that  way  we  have 
happiness  in  the  home.  Now  a  country  is  a  home 
for  the  people  in  it,  ain't  it,  and  the  main  thing 
is  that  they  should  stick  together  and  be  happy, 
and  how  could  they  be  happy  if  even  the  great 
majority  of  the  people  tells  the  rest  what  they 
should  and  shouldn't  eat  or  drink?" 

"But  you  admit  that  schnapps  is  harmful,  don't 
you?"  Morris  insisted. 

"And  I  also  admit  that  sweet  and  sour  fish 
ain't  exactly  a  health  food,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said. 

249 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

"In  fact,  you  wouldn't  believe  what  a  lot  of 
'bicarbonate  of  soda  Rosie  and  me  uses  up  be 
tween  us  after  we  eat  that  fish;  but  even  so, 
Mawruss,  after  you  have  said  all  you  could  say 
against  that  fish,  the  fact  remains  that  Rosie 
and  me,  we  like  it." 

"Well,  even  if  the  people  do  like  booze,  and  it 
does  them  harm,  I  say  they  shouldn't  have  it," 
Mprris  said. 

"I  agree  with  you  down  to  the  ground,  Maw 
russ,"  Abe  said.  "And  I  don't  care  if  it  is  booze 
or  sweet  and  sour,  you  are  still  right;  but  if 
sweet  and  sour  fish  was  prohibited,  although  the 
fish  and  the  onions  and  the  sugar  and  the  vinegar 
which  you  make  it  out  of  wasn't,  y'understand, 
and  in  spite  of  the  law,  Rosie  and  me  liked  it  and 
wanted  to  continue  to  eat  it,  the  question  then 
is  and  the  question  is  going  to  continue  to  be: 

"How  ARE  You  GOING  TO  STOP  IT?" 


XXVI 

THE  APPROACHING  ROYAL  VISIT 

"  ¥  SEE  where  the  King  of  England,  to  show  his 
A  appreciation  of  what  we  done  it  during  the 
war,  Mawruss,  is  going  to  send  his  eldest  son, 
the  King  of  England,  junior,  or  whatever  his 
name  is,  to  visit  us,"  Abe  Potash  said  to  his 
partner,  Morris  Perlmutter. 

"Yes?"    Morris    replied.     "Well,    why    don't 
the  King,  senior,  come  himself?" 

"You  must  think  that  kings  has  got  nothing 
better  to  do  with  their  time  than  fool  it  away 
on  ocean  steamers,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said.  "A 
king  of  England  is  a  very  busy  man,  Mawruss, 
which  I  bet  yer  right  now  he  is  dated  up  as  far 
ahead  as  Purim,  1921,  laying  corner-stones, 
opening  exhibitions,  making  the  speech  of  the 
afternoon  or  the  evening,  as  the  case  may  be,  at 
assorted  luncheons,  teas,  and  dinners;  trying  on 
uniforms;  signing  warrants  at  a  fee  of  two  guineas 
and  sixpence — not  including  three  cents  war  tax — 
for  the  appointment  of  tea,  coffee,  or  cocoa  manu 
facturers  as  purveyors  of  tea,  coffee,  or  cocoa 
to  the  royal  household,  y'understand,  and  doing 
all  the  other  things  which  a  king  does  in  England 
and  a  prominent  Elk  does  in  America." 

18  251 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

"Well,  anyhow,  I  suppose  the  King  of  England, 
junior,  must  of  done  a  lot  of  hard  work  during 
the  war  which  makes  the  King,  senior,  think  that 
it  is  time  the  boy  had  a  vacation." 

"Oser!"  Abe  said.  "So  far  as  I  can  make  out, 
the  young  feller  made  a  couple  of  tourist's  tours 
of  the  battle-fields,  Mawruss,  and  maybe  helped 
out  once  or  twice  with  the  corner-stone  laying; 
but  otherwise,  for  all  the  actual  fighting  he  did, 
instead  of  being  the  King  of  England's  son  during 
the  war,  he  might  just  so  well  have  been  Mr. 
Ford's  son." 

"Well,  kings,  junior  or  senior,  ain't  supposed  to 
fight,  Abe,"  Morris  said.  "The  most  their  coun 
tries  expects  of  them  is  that  they  should  share  the 
privations  of  their  subjects  by  reducing  the  cost 
of  running  their  homes  till  they  are  living  as 
economically  during  war-times  as  a  Texas  oil 
millionaire  does  during  peace-times.  There  was 
days  together  there,  in  the  terrible  winter  of 
1916-1917,  when  the  only  dishes  which  appeared 
on  the  tables  of  European  kings,  outside  of  green- 
turtle  soup  and  roast  pheasant,  was  hothouse 
asparagus  and  fresh  strawberry  ice-cream,  Abe. 
The  sufferings  of  kings,  junior  and  senior,  during 
the  war  'ain't  half  been  told  in  the  newspapers, 
Abe." 

"The  Kings  of  England,  junior  and  senior,  is 
very  popular  in  England  at  that,  Mawruss,"  Abe 
said,  "which  every  week  the  illustrated  papers 
prints  picture  after  picture  of  both  of  them  Kings 
looking  every  inch  kings,  or  anyhow  openers  or 

252 


THE  APPROACHING  ROYAL  VISIT 

better,  y'understand;  and  in  fact,  Mawruss,  the 
English-reading  public  never  seems  to  get  tired 
of  seeing  pictures  of  building  operations,  just  so 
long  as  there  is  one  of  them  Kings  in  it  laying 
the  corner-stone  or  turning  the  first  sod  of  the 
excavation." 

"For  that  matter,  Abe,  them  brown  illustrated 
supplements  to  American  Sunday  newspapers 
which  rubs  off  so  on  Palm  Beach  suits  and  ladies' 
white  gloves,  'ain't  absolutely  declared  a  boycott 
on  kings'  pictures,  neither,"  Morris  declared. 
"I  suppose  that  pictures  of  them  Kings  with  or 
without  Marshal  Haig  reviewing  soldiers  and 
handing  out  medals  is  easy  worth  several  hundred 
dollars  a  week  to  the  dry  cleaners  of  New  York 
City  alone." 

"Did  I  say  they  didn't?"  Abe  asked.  "Which, 
considering  the  trouble  and  expense  this  country 
was  put  to  over  the  Declaration  of  Independence, 
Mawruss,  you  would  be  surprised  how  much 
interest  a  whole  lot  of  ladies  takes  in  the  English 
royal  family.  Here  a  short  time  ago  the  King, 
senior's,  father  a  brother's  daughter  got  married 
beneath  her  to  one  of  the  chief  stockholders  of  the 
Canadian  Pacific  Railroad,  Mawruss,  and  you 
would  think  from  the  way  my  Rosie  carried  on 
about  it  that  the  girl's  mother  was  going  round 
saying  what  did  she  ever  do  that  her  daughter 
should  go  to  work  and  marry  a  feller  that  made  his 
living  that  way,  and  what  a  mercy  it  was  the 
grandmother  didn't  live  to  see  it;  the  theory 
being,  Mawruss,  that  when  a  king's  relation 

253 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

marries  a  healthy  young  chief  stockholder  with 
nothing  flowing  in  his  veins  but  the  blood  of  a 
couple  of  generations  of  managing  directors, 
y'understand,  it  is  the  equivalence  of  a  bank 
president's  daughter  eloping  with  a  professional 
dancer  in  a  cabaret." 

"And  when  the  King,  junior,  arrives  in  this 
country  there  is  going  to  be  a  lot  of  disappointment 
among  them  ladies  which  also  gets  their  pictures 
printed  by  the  Sunday  supplement  sitting  around 
cross-legged  in  ankle-length,  awning-striped  skirts 
at  dawg-shows,  in  such  a  way  that  even  the  dawgs 
must  feel  embarrassed  if  they've  got  the  ordinary 
dawg's  sense  of  decency,  Abe,"  Morris  said, 
"because  I  see  by  the  paper  that  the  King,  senior, 
has  instructed  his  son  that  while  in  New  York 
he  should  live  on  board  the  English  battle-ship 
which  is  bringing  him  here  so  as  not  to  have  no 
truck  with  any  millionaires." 

"I  suppose  the  old  man  thinks  that  one  manag 
ing  director's  child  in  the  royal  family  is  enough/' 
Abe  suggested. 

"Well,"  Morris  said,  "looking  at  him  from  the 
King's  standpoint,  it  will  save  the  young  feller's 
mother  a  lot  of  anxiety  to  know  that  he  is  safe  on 
board  an  English  battle-ship  every  night  instead 
of  running  around  the  streets  of  a  country  where 
everybody,  up  to  and  including  the  President 
himself,  is  the  young  feller's  social  inferior." 

"And  also,  you  can't  blame  the  old  man  if  he 
ain't  taking  no  risks  when  the  young  feller  gets 
home  and  his  mother  asks  him  did  he  have  a 

254 


THE  APPROACHING   ROYAL  VISIT 

good  time,  that  two  Right  Honorable  General 
Practitioners  in  Waiting  would  got  to  work  over 
her  for  an  hour  or  so  bringing  her  out  of  one  swoon 
after  another  as  the  result  of  her  son  saying, 
Til  say  I  did,'"  Abe  observed. 

"Still,  at  the  same  time,  Abe,"  Morris  said, 
"it  is  going  to  be  a  wonderful  opportunity  for 
the  young  feller,  even  if  he  gets  home  again,  he 
would  occasionally  use  the  words,  '  You've  said  it,' 
instead  of  '  Quite  so.' ' 

"But  that  ain't  the  idea  in  the  King's  sending 
him  over  here,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said.  "The  in 
tention  is  that  it  is  a  wonderful  opportunity  for 
the  American  people  to  see  how  a  king  looks  and 
at  the  same  time  not  have  it  come  off  on  your 
gloves.  In  other  words,  Mawruss,  it's  as  a  favor 
to  us  that  the  young  feller  is  coming  over  here, 
and  the  chances  is  that  his  personal  feelings  in 
the  matter  is  very  much  the  same  as  yours  or 
mine  would  be  if  we  was  about  to  make  Sarahcuse, 
Rochester,  Buffalo,  Detroit,  and  Chicago  with  a 
line  of  popular-price  garments.  We  would  do  it 
in  the  course  of  making  a  living  and  not  for  the 
education  of  the  thing." 

"Then  my  advice  to  the  young  feller  and  his 
father  is  that  he  should  stay  home  in  these  times 
when  the  building  trade  is  looking  up  so,  Abe, 
and  help  out  with  the  corner-stone  laying," 
Morris  said,  "and  give  the  people  of  this  country 
a  real  treat  by  sending  over  Lord  George  or 
Marshall  Field  Haig,  which  while  this  here  King, 
junior,  is  a  decent,  respectable  young  feller  and 

255 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

his  father  is  also  a  gentleman  that  nobody  could 
say  a  word  against  no  matter  if  it  does  cost  the 
English  people  sixpence  in  the  pound  of  the  ten 
shillings  in  the  pound  which  they've  got  to  pay 
income  tax  in  order  that  the  English  royal  family 
should  continue  to  live  in  the  style  to  which  it 
has  become  accustomed  during  the  past  five 
hundred  years,  Abe,  still,  at  the  same  time,  if  I 
could  be  standing  on  the  curb  watching  Lord 
George  or  this  here  Haig  driving  by,  it  would  give 
me  a  real  thrill  to  think  that  I  am  at  last  looking 
at  the  face  of  a  man  who  for  over  four  years  has 
been  working  night  and  day  to  put  over  the 
biggest  thing  that  has  ever  been  put  over  in  the 
history  of  the  world,  y 'understand;  whereas,  what 
for  a  thrill  would  I  get  from  looking  at  the  face 
of  a  man  who,  putting  it  big,  has  been  laying  as 
many  corner-stones  as  all  the  bricklayers'  unions 
in  the  American  Federation  of  Labor  and  has  been 
presiding  at  as  many  banquets  as  this  here  Irving 
J.  Cobb  and  Gustave  Thomas  combined?" 

"At  that,  there  will  be  a  whole  lot  of  ambulance 
calls  for  people  who  has  fainted  away  in  the 
crowds  that  will  collect  to  see  the  King,  junior, 
drive  up  Fifth  Avenue,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said. 

"I  know  there  will,"  Morris  said;  "and  if  it 
rested  with  me,  Abe,  I  wouldn't  spend  so  much 
as  two  cents  for  mathematic  spirits  of  ammonia 
to  bring  them  to,  neither,  because  them  crowds 
in  America  is  helping  along  a  European  idea 
which  we  sent  across  several  million  American 
soldiers  to  wipe  out.  Them  American  crowds  will 

256 


THE  APPROACHING  ROYAL  VISIT 

be  encouraging  European  kings  to  believe  that 
even  in  America  we  still  think  it  is  all  right  for 
the  ordinary  people  of  Europe  to  sacrifice  their 
lives  and  their  property,  in  order  that  them 
corner-stone  layers  shall  cop  out  the  credit." 

"As  a  matter  of  fact,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said, 
"Mr.  Wilson  invited  the  young  feller  to  visit 
America." 

"Fow,  President  Wilson  invited  him!"  Morris 
exclaimed.  "After  the  experience  President  Wil 
son  had  in  Paris  staying  with  the  Murats  he  must 
have  a  pretty  good  idea  what  it  means  to  be  eaten 
out  of  house  and  home  by  the  people  that  tags 
along  with  a  king  or  a  president,  which  I  bet  yer 
the  most  that  Mr.  Wilson  said  when  he  was  visit 
ing  England  last  Christmas  was  that  he  told  the 
King,  senior,  if  he  was  ever  in  Washington  to  be 
sure  and  look  him  up,  or  to  not  to  fail  to  let  him 
know  if  he  was  ever  in  Washington,  or  that  the 
latch-string  was  always  out  at  the  White  House, 
or  any  one  of  the  hundreds  of  things  that  ordinarily 
the  most  inhospitable  person  in  the  world  is  per 
fectly  safe  in  saying  without  any  one  taking  him 
up  on  it." 

"Well,  that's  where  Mr.  Wilson  made  a  big 
mistake,  Mawruss,"  Abe  said,  "because  evidently 
this  here  King,  junior,  couldn't  take  a  joke, 
y 'understand;  which,  the  way  it  looks  now, 
Mawruss,  even  if  Mr.  Wilson  had  said,  *I  hope 
to  see  you  again  sometime,'  he  would  of  immedi 
ately  taken  out  of  his  vest  pocket  such  a  little 
book  which  you  put  memorandums  in  it  and  said 

257 


how  about  August  30,  1919,  or  would  September 
10th  suit  Mr.  Wilson  better,  and  that's  the  way 
it  would  of  went." 

"Anyhow,  that's  neither  here  nor  there,  Abe," 
Morris  said,  "because,  no  matter  how  many 
times  nowadays  Mrs.  Wilson  is  going  to  ask  Mr. 
Wilson  why  he  couldn't  of  said  good-by,  King, 
and  let  it  go  at  that,  because  such  people,  if  you 
give  them  the  least  little  encouragement,  they 
would  use  you  like  you  was  running  a  boarding- 
house  already,  understand  me,  it  ain't  going  to 
improve  matters  for  Mr.  Wilson  when  the  young 
feller  does  arrive." 

"Say!"  Abe  exclaimed.  "It  wouldn't  do  that 
King,  junior,  no  harm  to  rough  it  a  little  there  at 
the  White  House,  Mawruss." 

"What  do  you  mean — rough  it?"  Morris  de 
manded.  "Don't  you  suppose  the  President  of 
the  United  States  eats  just  so  good  in  his  own 
home  as  the  King  of  England  does  in  his,  Abe? 
It  would  be  the  least  of  Mr.  Wilson's  worries  if 
the  young  feller  would  expect  chicken  a  la  king 
and  fillet  of  kingfish  for  breakfast,  dinner,  and 
supper  already,  but  when  it  comes  to  making  up 
a  list  of  the  guests  which  would  be  invited  to  meet 
this  here  King  of  England,  junior,  that  is  where 
Mr.  Wilson  is  wise  he  would  get  himself  run  over 
by  a  trolley-car  or  something,  and  sustain  enough 
injuries  to  keep  him  confined  to  his  bed  from  a 
few  days  before  the  young  feller  arrives  until  the 
morning  after  the  British  ambassador  successfully 
slips  it  to  the  young  feller  that  the  people  in 

258 


THE  APPROACHING  ROYAL  VISIT 

Washington  is  beginning  to  wonder  if  a  king 
of  England  'ain't  got  no  home,  y 'understand." 

"But  why  couldn't  Mr.  Wilson  give  one  big 
dinner  for  the  King,  junior,  to  which  he  would 
invite  the  Senate  and  House  of  Representatives  in 
a  body,  and  have  the  whole  thing  over  at  one 
schlag,  y 'understand?" 

"Say,"  Morris  said,  "the  dining-room  at  the 
White  House  is  a  big  place,  but  it  ain't  exactly 
Madison  Square  Garden,  and  it  ain't  even  Childs's 
Boardwalk  restaurant,  neither." 

"Then  let  him  invite  them  to  a  series  of  meals 
in  rotation  alphabetically,  and  let  it  go  at  that," 
Abe  suggested. 

"Before  that  would  get  him  out  of  his  troubles 
and  not  hold  up  the  confirmation  of  the  Peace 
Treaty  and  League  of  Nations,  Abe,  Mr.  Wilson 
would  first  got  to  get  an  act  of  Congress  passed 
amending  the  order  of  the  alphabet  and  making 
L  for  Lodge,  J  for  Johnson,  and  R  for  Reed  come 
ahead  of  H  for  Hitchcock,  who,  of  course,  wouldn't 
mind  helping  out  Mr.  Wilson  by  allowing  himself 
to  be  shifted  to  the  third  or  fourth  sitting,"  Morris 
said. 

"Maybe  it  would  be  a  good  thing  to  let  the 
alphabet  stand  and  square  things  with  Borah 
and  Brandegee,"  Abe  retorted. 

"It  might  even  be  still  better  if  Mr.  Wilson 
would  write  the  King,  junior,  to  be  so  good  and 
postpone  his  visit  until  after  Inauguration  Day, 
1921,  and  put  the  entire  problem  up  to  the  next 
President,  whoever  he  might  be,"  Morris  said. 

259 


POTASH  AND  PERLMUTTER  SETTLE  THINGS 

"He  might  even  be  Mr.  Wilson,"  Abe  con 
cluded;  "because,  when  it  comes  to  a  job  like 
entertaining  this  here  King,  junior,  what  American 
is  anxious  to  tackle  it,  even  if  by  doing  so  he  could 
become  President  even?  Am  I  right  or  wrong?" 


THE  END 


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